Monday, November 24, 2008

...

Shawn, Jesus Christ.

Your blog, Empty Sea, is atrocious. Typically, when one delivers bad news such as this, the messenger feels the need to spare the recipient’s feelings, adding a jaunty 'sorry', perhaps, or some vague allusion to 'fighting the good fight', like 'you’ll get ‘em next time' or 'keep that eye of the tiger, champ'. I am not saying that here, Shawn. I am saying, flat-out, with no reservations or regrets, that your blog is awful.

White text on a standard black blogger-template? Half-written in a tongue I can’t understand? Look, imagine me, ol’ Nutjobber, your friendly neighbourhood lily-white suburban Canadian boy, reading this scintillating exchange between you and 'Vicky':

Vicky: 'Theek hai. Lekin kal sab kuch karte hai ha.'
Shawn: 'Ya dude 100%'
I guess I missed the punchline? I fucking hate missing the punchline, Shawn, but do you honestly think I’m going to go try and translate this for my own edification? No, no I’m not. In fact, for the same reason I haven’t yet submitted my own blog to that Japanese blog-review site I Will Be Your Co-Pilot, Have Plans For Sparkling Summer* is the same reason I don’t understand why you would submit this painful, grammarless, forethought-free blog to us. Is it because you tried to warn your readers beforehand?

I am really not good at writing and my thoughts are quite incoherent and never logically arranged (and ya i do make a lot of typos too) so please bear with me.But till then, happy reading!
Until when, Shawn? 'Happy reading' until that monstrous landslide of typos drags me into an abyss of teeth-chattering madness? 'Happy reading' until the abysmal combination of emoticons and improper comma-usage forces me to hang myself with an electrical-cord?

If I invited you over to my house for dinner, Shawn, and as you sat in my kitchen twitching your fingers nervously in response to the black plume of smoke hanging over the stove and the grotesque smear of peanut-butter and fish-entrails congealing on the windows, I proceeded to regale you with stories of how rare I like my chicken cooked, of how I consider the recent anti-bacterial hysteria a product of liberal-government brainwashing, of how my proper hand-washing technique involves frequent bathroom-breaks, well, how would I, as a rational, understanding human being, end this horrifying conversation?

I would say, 'run for your life, I’m a food-murderer'; you would say, 'happy eating'.

Shawn, from his 'About Me' [sic]: Don't stereotype me! I wont fit into any of those boxes of your's!

Nutjobber: I disagree.



*This site, to my knowledge, does not exist.

32 comments:

  1. NJ, you pull some shitty straws. I hope this guy dies of testicular cancer. If that's possible.

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  2. "Atrocious" is a compliment for this one.

    NJ, admit it, you were salivating with delirious bloodlust when you were handed this particular straw.

    GoK, mere testicular cancer? You woke up in a charitable mood today?

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  3. He could fit nicely into a box labeled "Doesn't know how to use apostrophes."

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  4. I love that you found the perfect graphic to complement this review. You do so rock my world, Jobba.

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  5. I don't understand the fake accent thing. Why does he keep on talking about people with fake accents? Who fucking does that? I mean, sure, I've used a fake accent, but I was goddamn twelve and making prank calls.

    Doesn't "Theek hai" mean "okay?"

    This blog is like bad brain surgery. Scatter. Jesus, Krishna, Mana-Yood-Sashai, I am so confused.

    Where's my Indian friend when I need him...CROW?

    HELP. Gahhhh.

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  6. I'm two days away from seeing a certain hooker, so I guess I'm playing nice today. Fuck it, I hope he catches a nasty case of 'random anvil falling from the sky'. That's an illness, right?

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  7. Here, let me do it.

    Vicky:- "Okay. But we'll do everything tomorrow, ok?"

    Shawn:- "Yeah, dude. 100%"

    I guess it's a little scintillating. Leaves you tantalised.

    (All punctuation marks inserted by me.)

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  8. I didn't think it was possible, Arjun, but I believe I dislike you even more after that comment.

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  9. More than him? Come on.

    Yeah, there's a little grammar Nazi in me that refuses to die. I'm working on it.

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  10. Seriously, you two are in the same boat. Please paddle harder.

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  11. Sometimes, gok, you're just nasty.

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  12. You know that in key's world, nasty is a compliment.

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  13. And, dude, ease up on the Arjun. I spent at least an hour last week obsessing about the fact that I'd left a comment where I'd used volumns in place of volumes. Blah!

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  14. Until Shawn shows up to defend his shitty blog, Arjun is in the crosshairs. For now.

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  15. I probably deserve to be in the crosshairs. I'm up at 1:20 AM working.

    Where the fuck is Shawn anyway? He doesn't have George's punctuality. Or that Laurie's derring-do.

    Shit, I said derring-do. Bring it on, gok.

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  16. I think I might love me some Arjun.

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  17. Oh, so derring-do is beneath you?

    [Love Bites] Heh, I think I might love me a little me too. And a little you. I also love Keywork (in an impartial, manly way), but he's a little testy today.

    Seriously, the reviewer doesn't even bother giving the review a title and the blog owner's hackles haven't been raised?

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  18. Know what else is about to be below me?

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  19. Dig in deeper Arjun - in Ancient Rome, three dots was rumored to be the Emperor's way of granting approval for insertion of a buttplug into a wannabe gladiator.

    Alternatively, three was also the number of dots required in covering the length of the world's first condom for the Chinese.

    This place is all about the sublimal messages, you know?

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  20. How fucking right you are, whore.

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  21. Funny stuff, anyways you have been reviewed, suck it! Have a great day!!

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  22. Ladies & gentlemen, if you haven't yet been over to that 'review' by that Damian-dipshit, you must.

    DPH had our backs before I even knew what was going on...speaking of which, because I can't possibly separate DPH & Key at this point, Key - testicular cancer? Fuck.

    Not that I didn't laugh my bag off, but fuck.

    I really need to figure out a way to participate during the day, like old times... 'member those?

    Those were fun.

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  23. Yeah thats great, so do i still get a review? I didn't hurt your feelings to much?

    Ya need a hug and a tickle?

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  24. Awww, that's so cute. Damian thinks we have feelings.

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  25. And, that we care what some retard who can't spell or read our FAQ thinks about us. heh.

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  26. That "review" kind of made my day.

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  27. NJ: I could have wished something much worse on him, I know. I do miss the daily exchanges, its true.
    LB: did I get a 'disgusting pig' out of you? Damn, I'm getting good.

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  28. I've always thought you were a disgusting pig, Key. This surprises you? ;)

    Re: the review. I can't go on that site again. Teh stupid hurts me. I.e., that much stupidity, en masse, causes me physical and emotional pain.

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Grow a pair.