Friday, November 21, 2008

Little Boxes on the Hillside

Do you ever have days where you want to do something, really you do, but you just can't make it work? Welcome to my Friday.

Vinyl Village, darlin', I love the concept and the name, but fuck me. I don't like your blog, I can't tell a lie. Your blog is Agrestic, without the chiva, and its bland sameness gets on my last goddamn nerve. Your blog is cheese grits without the cheese and salt. It's a hot dog without a bun, without a beer, without relish, without mustard, without chili, without cheese, without onions, just a sad little shriveled weiner lying there naked and cold on a plate. Your blog is Thanksgiving with an overcooked turkey breast and out of the box stuffing. HELP ME HELP YOU, man. I want to work with you, but fuck me, you've got to give me something.



Your content is mostly borrowed from other people, whether it's clipart from collegehumor.com, or quotes from other bloggers, or rehashing of news stories that I, for one, don't want to read about. Who exactly wants to hear about some dude who jizzes in pasta sauce? Why do you even have a blog, if this is all you want to say? The best I can figure, you fall into the category of "person who needs a blog because everyone else has one," just like the average Agrestic resident needs a tricked out SUV because all the neighbors have one.

The layout isn't horrible, in fact, it's appropriate to the title of the blog, but jeez, the content is beyond boring. You do need to clean up your sidebar, but that's the least of your concerns. For the record: I hate your lists. I hate your news coverage of men who have sex with pasta sauce. I hate your stupid douchebag humor. I hate your regurgitation of other bloggers' words.

Your lists are nothing more than filler..."Oh, goddamn, it's Tuesday already and I need to write something, so here's a bunch of shit in numerical form. Eat up!" Yum, yum, yum, muthafuckas.

I searched for a half hour on your blog to find something substantive, something that means something, something that isn't other people's regurgitated content. I couldn't find it. The best I could do was your "about me." C'mon, dude. You're cute. Why "the Vinyl Village"? Give us more. A naked shot might have improved your score, frankly, but soul-baring is way better.

Your blog is labeled more appropriately than you know. It's a ticky tacky little non-custom home built during the late 1990s, covered with vinyl siding in "sand buff," with beige carpeting and beige interior flat paint, settled amongst a million other beige homes that look exactly like it. It has no depth, it has no substance, it has nothing interesting about it.

Please. I know you can do better than this. If not, consider relocating your ticky tacky blog-dwelling to myspace with the rest of the abercrombie-wearing blog poseurs where it belongs.



And, since your blog has gotten this song stuck in my head, here it is in all its glory:

32 comments:

  1. Damn you LB! That song will now be in my head for days! Or until "I Like Big Butts" takes over again.

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  2. Hey. Don't knock the 'Space.

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  3. You know how I feel about the space, and who belongs there.

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  4. I know. I just felt the need to stand up for something.

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  5. Rass: good clean fun?

    Lb: couldn't agree more.

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  6. "just a sad little shriveled weiner lying there naked and cold on a plate."

    good stuff LB

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  7. This review leaves me desperately seeking a hot dog. I think wienerschnitzel is on the menu for lunch today.

    Thanks a lot. No song stuck in my head. Just a longing for weener. Which should really be nothing new for me.

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  8. I would think a day without weener would be a day without sunshine for you, DPH. really, for most of us, if I'm completely honest. I only WISH i'd gotten some weiner today.

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  9. Perhaps if I had some weener I would be happier today. Soon enough though, soon enough. Looks like weener is on the menu for Thanksgiving.

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  10. You're going to let me sit between you and your mom, right whore?

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  11. I'm trying to decide whether you will sit between me and my mom, or my brother and my mom.

    Either way, you're going to get groped. Hope you're up for it, buttfucker.

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  12. As long as there's groping, I should be able to hold my own.

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  13. hey I submitted to get some feedback, and I appreciate it.

    I will attempt to grow from the pain :-)

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  14. Will someone kill/rape/maim Nancy Botwin already? I mean, she's gotten away with enough ridiculous shit alread, am I right?

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  15. And now I want some cheeba. As usual.

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  16. You know what makes me smile? reaming someone, and then they respond by writing an actual post. Yay for Vinyl Villager for doing some actual writing. The transition in the middle is a bit awkward, but much much better than the damn lists.

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  17. Love Bites...thanks! It's not the first actual writing though. Theres more in there if ya dig. (the mylife category maybe?)Appreciate the review...can't promise an end to the monday lists, but Ill try to give you some more "meat". Im flattered you thought I was young enough for Abercrombie :-)

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  18. I'm always game for more meat.

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  19. I hear that a lot...

    I just now watched the clip from WEEDS...too funny! Looks just like my neighborhood in the morning. Some friends visited for the first time, and one of them said "I feel like Im on the set of the fucking Truman Show"

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  20. I think it's wrong for you to be hearing that a lot. On levels I don't even want to get into with you. Of course, I say it a lot. I can never really get enough meat. Especially if meat is a metaphor for penis.

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  21. Yeah, vv, maybe you should consider penile enlargement. Lb, I believe you.

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  22. You have no idea how penis-starved I am at this precise moment in time. It's just about killing me. And yes, I have an awesome boyfriend with a totally impressive penis, but life keeps intruding on my sex life.

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  23. That might be TMI anywhere but here.

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  24. Yeah, kids are the new 'I have a sexually transmitted disease'.

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  25. LOL, apparently so am I. Cause I just tested positive for G-A-M-E.

    Oh, it never stops being funny.

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  26. You are SO catching a donkey punch for that one, slut.

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  27. I don't know why you think that's a threat. You know I enjoy that sort of thing.

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  28. I wasn't threatening you. Just engaging in some light foreplay.

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  29. Well you certainly know the way to this hooker's heart

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  30. Ghost...I already tried the penis enlargement thing...

    "http://thevinylvillage.wordpress.com/2008/04/29/strange-things-ive-done-to-my-penis/"

    But thats not how I meant it...Im not sure I can say how I meant it here without coming off as a disgusting pig.

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  31. Lucky for you, we like disgusting pigs here. Why do you think Key feels so at home?

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Grow a pair.