Monday, November 10, 2008

Get Cho' Groove On


All right, ladies: you’re at that club, the kind of club that attracts all manner of swarthy nogoodniks, and your weary eyes scan the floor as you slam back your third vodka-cooler, desperate to make someone appear even remotely appetizing, when, literally out of the blue you find yourself face-to-face with Dad the Dude.

"Hmm," you think to yourself, looking over that inescapable melon of his. "Well, he’s got all his teeth, and he looks clean."

You strike up a conversation, and Dad the Dude (whom I shall refer to from here on in as "Craig" because he looks like a Craig) seems charming enough, and he’s mildly amusing, isn’t he? Then again, you are three drinks in and, strangely, getting thirstier all the time, so you double-up on the vodka and let Craig do the talking.

[white noise]
[white noise]
[white noise]

You get it – he’s got some sort of Paul Reiser-thing going on, a "Dadhood" thing with unfortunate dalliances into really, really nondescript storytelling. You can tell Craig’s having a blast, but your eyes keep creeping back over to the dance-floor, and after a few more of his anecdotes you’re only nodding at him politely and wondering if a switch to whiskey will make him more interesting. Craig offers to put your Manhattan on his tab, but you decline, settling your eyes on that brash, coarse loudmouth holding court ten feet away. God, he was repulsive when you walked in, wasn’t he? Maybe that’s why you can’t stop staring at him?

Craig starts into a topical story about Jim Beam, but you’ve tuned him out, already rationalizing your planned move over to the jerk, and when he preemptively asks for your number, you say and drunkenly apologize:

"You’re just not my type, Craig."

10 comments:

  1. Craig? Huh.... never thought of myself as a Craig.

    Have you been following me at bars?

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  2. Brash , coarse? I'll take that as a compliment.

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  3. I liked him okay. Some of his stuff was pretty funny and "some" is way more than you get at most blogs.

    And he looks like he flosses. So that's a big plus.

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  4. Man, you're a bit of a bitch Nutter. I don't disagree with you, but you are a bit of a bitch.

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  5. "Craig"

    If it makes you feel any better, in my single days, I would have gone home with you anyhow. I just would never have returned your phone call afterward. Maybe it's the teeth.

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  6. It's always hardest to comment on the "meh" blogs. Cuz you know. Meh.

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  7. I just figured out who you remind me of. The horny agent on Californication.

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  8. He grew up next to Luke and Owen Wilson, therefore I love him. I'm a sucker for proximity, apparently.

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  9. it took me a few days to digest the review. At first I was stuck on the "Craig"... I'm not sure I know anyone named Craig but he would bore the shit out of me.

    I was hoping for a little guidance, even if it was on fire and scalded my ass. I was looking for something.

    at first I thought all that was offered was that I should tell everyone in the bar to fuck off and then buy the bar a shot.. even if formerly fun still won't return my calls.

    everyday I've come back, reading it again. I can't accept the Meh, but I appreciate it. I think I know what your saying now.

    Damn you for making me think. No, fuck you for making me think.

    Drinks are on me.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.