A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Can O' Whup Ass

Steven, hi!

Oh, I'm sorry, am I interrupting? I know you have so much going on right now with your play and such but maybe we could sidle over to that corner booth and order a Mojito or seven so we can get buzzed enough to be honest with ourselves. How does that sound?

So here's the deal. Miss Missives is no fruit-fly and I'm not swayed by the fact that you are a playwright. Or even that your plays have actually been produced because well, you know, so was Moose Murders.

Anyone who calls Pamela Anderson "a state-of-the-art fellatrix", chastises Nicki Hilton for being “a tank of lard with cottage cheese thunder thighs,” admonishes Sharon Stone for wearing a dress that resembles “a menstrual hurricane,” and compares Heather Locklear to plastic surgery freak show Jocelyn Wildenstein, clearly has a penchant for snark.

You are like Perez Hilton for the literati intelligentsia, all the gossip and celebmongering minus the blatant coveting and a bit like GofugYourself with a homo bent. I like you, I do, though you are an acquired taste. So here's what makes me want to implore you to donate some of that magnificent wordsmith DNA of yours and turkey baste the perfect loquacious lovechild with Miss Missives:

1.Your categories/features are funny and well-organized.
2. You have a talent for poking fun with a very sharp stick.
3. You write clever Paris Hilton Dog Ode Fauxetry.
4. You are nimble with dialogue.
5. I will always love you a little for the Cindy McCain country album review.

These are so great in part because anyone can poke fun but only a select few can do it with such a sparkly bag of literary tricks. As for the design and structure, it's clean, spare and easy to read. The graphics blend well with each feature, adding to the overall effect rather than feeling thrown in as an afterthought.

Now be a dear and swig down the last of that Mojito so I can deliver the bad news without you turning into a big, sweet, goateed man-puddle on the floor here. This is what you need to work on:

1. About Me- I don't want your pat theater bio that's floating around the web. Tell us about you. My chief complaint with your material is it's clever but a bit distant. Knowing more about you would help bridge that distance. Use your Meet the asswhupper post as the starting point but put it in the 'About Me' so people don't have to dig for it like I did.

2.The Haiku (with my criticism delivered in Haiku form)
A few hit the mark
A few arrive DOA
Not my favorite.

3.Edit, edit, edit. Unlike your plays, your blog cannot hold a reader captive for two hours in a rickety, worn, velvet seat. Blog readers have notorious short attention spans and while I wouldn't change the way you write, I'd edit more aggressively.

4.Don't ever apologize for not posting, just start posting again and skip the mea culpas.

I like you and when I feel like sharpening these claws of mine, I'll read you. So down the last of the Mojitos and pay the tab already.