Monday, November 17, 2008

The One Where I Don't Swear

I usually find meta-criticism to be about as useful as peanut-butter on a pool table, but when it’s me taking a photo of a photo, I think it’s a brilliant endeavour. Reviewing a blog that does reviews of its own? Let’s get in there amongst the gristle and bone and delve into the art of critique; let’s get down deep and dirty to the heart of it, the epicentre of analysis, and see if we can’t fish out some...

Wait, what’s this?

Y'know what makes me laugh? The fact that someone out there decided to name their cellphone company Virgin Mobile. VIRGIN Mobile. The company, and all its phone citizens, have never....well, you get it right?

Oh, no.
There are soooo many things I hate in the world. And since I have about two whole hours of Internet time, here are some of them, courtesy of my brain. Don't be mad if you're not included; I still hate you, I just can't list the PEOPLE I hate because I hate everyone, until they prove themselves worthy of my liking that is.

I hate the dentist. Why would you allow a stranger who you never met stick their gloved hands down their throats and scrape at their pearly whites? I'm ready to bet money that the so-called "dentists" are gonna find a "cavity" and "take it out" in order to get some more cash from my mom.

Look, I’m going to be completely honest with you here, whoever it is that is authoring Hazardous Material: you’re fifteen, maybe sixteen; I am going purple holding my profane tongue so as not to be accused of contributing to the delinquency of minors, and you’re not making this very easy for me. Here, let me show you what I mean:
I've been watching a lot of the 08 Olympics in Beijing lately. Every morning I tune in to see what's going on in the fantastic world of sport events, and I'm particular interested in swimming. It has been mostly focused on Michael Phelps, a fellow American who holds plenty of records, one I think for most gold medals. As I watching one day my mom pointed out that he has big feet, so I put two and two together and realized that his large feet help him swim faster than most others. Like flippers, haha.

Now, I’m not a writing teacher; I’m an incredibly insensitive, incandescently irritable sometime-blog reviewer who spends a little bit of his time focusing on the writing of blogs I am set to review. That, up there above that I’ve quoted from your Olympics-piece? It is terrible, and a good example of how spell-check only catches words that are spelled incorrectly – you still need to read the thing over before you hammer that "publish" button – and a stark reminder that there is a massive gulf between "commentary" and "typing words into a blog".

I’m going to assume that you’re still in high-school, and I’m presumptive enough to suggest that you really listen to your English teacher. I mean really listen; take notes, ask questions, ponder, ruminate, cogitate, give yourself the benefit of forethought and actually work through a piece before you post it instead of shoving whatever comes to mind out onto the interweb.

You need to think about what you’re writing and why anyone would want to read what you’ve done, who your audience is, because other than those less-than-stellar attempts, you’re just regurgitating things you’ve read elsewhere while jamming YouTube videos into your posts. It’s the equivalent of having a diary and filling the pages with stickers: what’s the point? Get a sticker book.


  1. "Get a sticker book". My friend, that is brilliance.

  2. Dude, I just posted that; your comment scared the shit out of me. Of course, a thank you is in order, but I literally thought I had typed something in the comments accidentally...

  3. Gabriel,

    Three words your english teacher might not mention in class:

    Ruminate: 1. To turn a matter over and over in the mind. 2. To chew cud.

    Cogitate: To take careful thought or think carefully about; ponder.

    Regurgiate: To cause to pour back, especially to cast up (partially digested food)

    Hope this helps in deciphering the cryptic nature of the advisory column.

  4. Indeed Nutjobber. Excellent!
    This review makes me think this might be a good place to request feedback from my fellow bloggers. My blog is not something I want read by anyone under 18 (the 'contributing' thing Nutjobber mentions in this review).
    I recently clicked over to the blog of a new commenter and discovered she is 15 or 16.
    I penned a lengthy response to her comment about 'my blog has mature content' and 'you should have permission from your parents', blahblahblah. But ended up simply deleting her comment and using the WordPress option to 'black list' her url.
    Best way to handle that? Any other ideas?
    And're just the kind of adult whose tires I would have slashed the fuck out of when I was in high school. are an adult aren't you?
    Nutjobber, your tires would have been completely safe darling.

  5. Oh gee, Mongoliangirl.. +20 points to you. For going to high school.

    + 200 points for gainfully utilising your time in school slashing tires.

    And people have the gall to say that education is a waste of time!


  6. I don't know, Mongo. As far as I can tell, there aren't many things that aren't appropriate for sixteen year olds.

    The onslaught of maturity is more relevant to being jaded than being older.

  7. Ugh. I would rather read shitty goth poetry. Naked. Gabriel, how about you stop writing until you actually have something original to say. Much like the doctor that delivered you, I am not one to abstain from using foul language. Stay in school, leave this writing shit to someone that can actually write. You fucking fuck.

  8. Good point Rassles. (As usual, eh?)
    Proving my point, Joe. How? Trying to give points who couldn't give a shit about your points. Try again, bitch.

  9. Joe, I see your charm has struck again. Oh my.

  10. I think little Joey has a thing for Mongolian muff.

    Sadly, Gabriel and his hemorrhoidally welcome updates of inanity will see action before him.

  11. Unfortunately I feel certain that little would be the operative word when it comes to Joe.

  12. MG, is that the best you could come up with?

    I think i'll stick to exchanges with Gene, at least he comes up with lines worth a response. (there's a tip for you, right there, MG)

    GoK, it has it's perks, it does.

    Gene, the only thing that gets any action in Mongolia are the yaks. Mongolian muffs are about as tempting as a pile of manure on your dinner plate.

    Goat milk, on the other hand, is quite worth the squeeze, i'm told.

  13. Wait... You mean I'm encouraging you?

    Jesus do I ever regret failing silence vow class now.

  14. Too little, too late, Gene. The shame is exclusively yours to bear.

    Something about sowing and reaping comes to mind.

    Or did you fail Theology 101 too?

  15. Seriously, the comments section here has evolved into a rather dull Sunday School lesson.

  16. Gee thanks Joe! I never thought you would make my one dream about you come true...that you would stop talking to me.

  17. I wouldn't mind some mongolian muff =)

  18. Awwww. Thanks DPH! That's why you're one of my favorites, Pookie Muffin.

  19. I enjoy seeing original artwork and photos. straight reposts of others' stuff is an immediate turnoff.


  20. I am deeply discouraged by shit like this. You don't have to wait until you're at State U to think independently. I hope Gabriel reads this. Seriously, start today. Stop writing shit that you think people want to read about.

  21. Ky!

    Hey, uh huh huh
    Hey, uh huh huh

    What I like about you, you hold me tight
    Tell me I'm the only one, wanna come over tonight, yeah

    You're whispering in my ear
    Tell me all the things that I wanna to hear, 'cause that's true
    That's what I like about you

    What I like about you, you really know how to


    Just kidding.


    Just kidding again.

    I hate when people tell me to smile.

  22. Ooooh, talk dirty to me Gap. if it weren't for you being a lesbian and me having a smoking hooker of a girlfriend, I would totally lay my healing hands on you. I suppose, if you don't mind, I could let you stalk me.

  23. You smiled. I know you did.

    Thuhhhhhhhhhh sun will come out tomorrohhhhhh, betcher bottom dollarrrrrrrrrrr....

    You smiled.

    I'm going to take the compliment. 'Though I am old enough to be your older sister. Or an aunt. No, older sister. The other thing I hate more than being told to smile is when my 13 y/o niece calls me aunt. I'm not really good at talking dirty. Not very good at being lesbian either, actually.

  24. So you're going to accept my stalker offer and be the bustle in my hedgerow? Sorry, but that's what you get for throwing lyrics at me. Don't feel bad about the age thing, I have cured a few mature women in my time. Lol. I've learned more from hitting on lesbians than you could imagine.

  25. Yes! I graciously accept the position of bustle in your hedgerow

    as soon as I'm in a better mood-and that will happen when the right kitten shows up. I used to talk dirty to my cat Maui. He was such a stud, a serious stud of a cat, and so smart that he'd look both ways before crossing streets. If I ever end up falling all over myself over a man he'd better be ready to outstud the memory of that cat.

    Nom sain, stud?

  26. Gap, if you need any lessons in talking dirty, just email me. Oh the things I could teach you.

    And thanks for the tips you emailed me the other day, one of them worked well!

  27. I hate black backgrounds, but I do have to say that I liked the header. That's about all the further that I got before I had to zap the text back to back on white.

    One of these days, when this fella gets a flaming abscess that swells his face up like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Float, he will get down on his knees and praise the gods of dentistry and offer up significant amounts of his own money for them to dig deep into his throat (or tooth, whatever) with or without Novocaine.

    It's just a growing up process. At least he knows how to access the web and write. Let's just hope that all of his facebook buddies don't start submitting or you might have to G-Rate.


Grow a pair.