Thursday, January 15, 2009

Leave it to Steadman

The tree has been set ablaze, the presents have been exchanged, and the charges have all been dropped.

I stand before you naked and reborn and hungry to be driven. Driven to enlightenment, sadness, and laughter.

So what have you brought to offer me as means to take me there? You bring me a guy's guide to Oprah.

Seriously? that's it? Bollocks.

A poor idea, averagely executed, and short lived.

A gray mass of bored husband, started last Summer and dead in the water by early October.

It's hard enough to encourage me to read the drivel puked up by the general public at the best of times, but if you can't even be bothered to continue to write it you've been licking too many windows if you think I'm going to stretch myself to review it.

Lick on Jeeves.

The entries are dull overall. The original idea of a daily Oprah show review stroke commentary was a novelty that just could not be sustained, not without a glimmer of effort at least.

I'm sickened to my semen filled stomach with this plague of averageness. Another bright idea, another humor blog, another lame attempt full of excuses and lazy six-out-of-ten efforts.

There's plenty of okay, amusing, vaguely not ripped from a wrapper but already done to death entries, but nothing spectacular, or even really good.

This especially goes astray as a humor blog when the episode being reviewed is less than full of joy.

What really concerned me was that on many an occasion you actually did just summise the show, no slant, no joke, just summary. That's worse than going for the jugular with and entry and failing miserably.

In the end you developed crippling stomach pains and ended up in hospital. (Your wife is funny.)

It's possible that you may be dead.

Oh well, next....

33 comments:

  1. Oh, the joy.

    The lost / MIA pastor has been found.

    Damn, where's that fucking choir when you need it?

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  2. I see we've begun the new year with a bunch of flaming finger...woohoo

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  3. He needs a new life focus, see, men aren't supposed to get Oprah. You're not supposed to know how to kegal, just like we're not supposed to know what it's like to come ever time we have sex. It's unnatural.

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  4. You don't cum every time you have sex? Oh, sweetie...

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  5. "It's possible that you may be dead.

    Oh well, next...." This is good.

    Well, it seems that none of the reviewers got what they wanted for Christmas. Everyone's surly and I like it.

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  6. Queen: clearly, you're doing it wrong. Or with the wrong person, the wrong equipment, the wrong lube. Basically, if you aren't coming everytime, something is wrong. Poor thing.

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  7. This guy really wasn't that bad, was he? I mean, you know. Clever enough.

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  8. Define 'clever enough'. Would you take time out of your day to regularly check his blog? I wouldn't. I also wouldn't watch Oprah and I'll be goddamned if I want to read a review of each days' episode. Also, I'm pretty sure I'm already goddamned, so I will clarify: dude, you have no business watching that show. Steadman doesn't even watch.

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  9. FG, this is the only review of yours that has ever made me laugh. But I fucking laughed, and hard.

    Nicely done.

    I fucking love Ask this week.

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  10. Oh my, I just noticed the label. FG, have you been getting lessons from Gok?

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  11. My way puts the semen in someone elses' stomach. He's doing something wrong.

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  12. Ghost, or in someone else's ass...

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  13. Also, I have NOT been fucking FG in the ass. Just wanted to clear that up.

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  14. Fucking right it does, cumdumpster.

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  15. "I'm sickened to my semen filled stomach" is an odd remark, considering that you rarely seem to have anyone's proverbial dick in your mouth, especially when they so clearly don't deserve it.

    I know it's not very cool of me to admit that I don't get it, but please explain.

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  16. Lord...

    I'm sickened, full stop.

    What my belly is full of is irrelevant. I just like to share.

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  17. Whacker, he's a Father, as in, of the cloth? Therefore he's full of choir boy semen. Obviously.

    And yeah, a guy's guide to Oprah sounds like a fairly useless tool. Like one of those Slap Chop things Vince is always prattling on about.

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  18. Hey hey hey, I got a slapper chopper for Christmas and IT. IS. AWESOME.

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  19. That was good, boys, but I have a fever. And the only cure is more flaming finger!

    Also, I never thought I'd say this, but welcome aboard, Dick Whackman. Oh,that is funny.

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  20. Sigh. I must be the only one.

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  21. You know what I hate more than watching Oprah? Listening to other people talk about Oprah.

    This year has got off to quite a start what with all the flaming fingers inserted into bung holes and what not.

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  22. Queen Mutha - sadly, you're not, which suddenly makes me sound rather frigid if not handicapped around this joint.

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  23. First rule, find your sexy. If you don't feel sexy, you certainly won't appear sexy to anyone. Trust me, I would rather fuck a moving couch than a woman that doesn't find herself appealing.
    Second rule:If you can't find your sexy, dress like the couch. And move around a lot.

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  24. Key - I take it the couch fucking bit is based on experience? You need to see DPH more often, I'm worried about your furniture being raped. May I suggest a rolled up sleeping bag which may be more cooperative?

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  25. The couches belong to my ex wife so I try to defile them as often as possible. Mostly because I dislike her. And all of my enemies deserve semen scented furniture.

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  26. Key, it's already clear that you like to sit in pools of your own semen, so it would only make sense that you would defile the seating in your home.

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  27. Look, when I finish I turn the cushions over.

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  28. In all fairness to Blue and Mutha, I NEVER had orgasms with my ex-husband. And that's pretty freaking ironic because these days, I am the world's easiest orgasm.

    I think it was him.

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  29. I hate Oprah and have no desire to read a blog written about her show, even if it's supposed to be a humor blog.

    The whole orgasm thing, I faked them often with my ex-husband just to get him off me faster. After that divorce I swore I'd never do that again. I haven't. Now if he isn't getting it quite right, I let him know what needs to be done.

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  30. When all else fails and your circuits won't fire, grab the Hitachi.

    And LB, I don't want to see that up as qoute of the week.

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  31. Grab a gas grill? And how exactly do you orgasm with a gas grill?

    OW.

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  32. Hitachi woman, not hibachi.

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  33. Whew. That makes me feel better.

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Grow a pair.