All the News That's Fit to Ignore

See, I enjoyed Bitterly Books' writing way more than his blog. There is a difference, you know. What's funny, other than Bitterly's wit and deadpan detail, is this blurb he wrote about his blog: Bitterly Books takes caustic, uncomplimentary tours through ill-advised and poorly executed nonfiction. Hey, Bitterly? Put that shit in your "About" section. Feel me? Holla.


Dear The Editor,

Your blog, "Complaints on a Plate," is either the bare minimum of lashing something together for Adsense banner ads, or you need to seriously re-examine some of the life choices you've made. I've got no idea what you're trying to do here.

The "about" page promises "Interviews, reviews, views and musings on people, places, events, times and things." This may be the first in series of cultural misunderstandings between us, but here on the good side of the Atlantic, you don't talk about "musings" unless you're a pre-teen girl on myspace—or possibly a married man pretending to be a pre-teen girl so he can troll for cybersex.

I'm getting a sense that you're taking the "ironic news for laughs" angle, probably because your March 8 post uses the word "ironic" four times in two sentences. Looking elsewhere, I see a telling quote in your July 1 post. "The problem is that the UK churns out media graduates at the rate of thirty thousand a year into a job market that is quite frankly in its death throes". You wouldn't happen to be one of those media graduates, would you? I'm just asking because setting up a site posting fake news articles seems like an unusual choice for, say, a doctor or a car salesman.

So you've set up your own funny blog on your own terms because the news outlets won't pay you and the Onion won't publish you as is. A lone wolf pointing out the foibles and absurdity of news media, free from censorship. Well, are you familiar with that quote about fighting monsters? When you mock the tedious, you run the risk of becoming monstrously tedious yourself.¹ Your entry about George Smedge is so believable that it's boring; I'm not sure what joke you were trying to make. Similarly, I assume that the entry "inspired by Alan Shearer" was mocking sloppy journalism and opinion pieces devoid of fact, but it comes across as sloppy and meandering itself. Both of them take a joke and stretch it too far.

Let's look at the fake excerpt from Targets. You're using more than 1100 words to make three jokes:

• Pick Up Artists (PUAs) have a disturbingly predatory attitude towards women.


• PUAs are supposed to dominate women and control the situation, but the book's author dominates and controls would-be PUAs


• PUAs are pro-abortion²

Look at that. Just as (un)funny, but only 35 words—96% shorter! You're welcome.

Brevity, wit. Coming up with enough short jokes to make something of a decent length is a pain in the ass, but try editing, The Editor. (I had a longer "physician, heal thyself" joke here, BUT I EDITED IT OUT. See how that works?) The Framley Examiner is a great example for making more out of less.

In your Penge O'Clock piece, look at how your jokes ("everyone in this neighborhood studies 'new media'," "reporter gets excited and uses exclamation points when talking about money!" and "all the sources need to mention that they feel safe") get lost in the huge crush of words. Try inserting paragraph breaks to make them stand out more:

I met up with some of the new hip locals to see what exactly it is that makes Penge so amazing.

Annanana Karickiszi is heiress to a Russian oil fortune and studies Media and Godknowswhat at Lewisham College, she is a fan of Sartre and hopes to one day become a poet or fashion editor. She is wealthy! “I love the area.” She says while gazing out the window of her £700 a month bedsit. “There is always somewhere new to go, something new to do. It is cool but not pretentious. There is a community. People are friendly. I feel safe”

Calvin works in New Media, he emigrated from America two years ago. He is financially sound! “There is a lot of history here and it’s quirky, very British.” He owns a small studio above an Icelands. “It’s a friendly area. People say hello. I feel safe.”

James works in New Media and rents a flat in a converted pub. He is solvent! “It’s fun and exciting. There’s lot’s of night life and culture. There are supermarkets but also small independent stores. I love it. People talk to each other. I feel safe”

I also caught up with Gregg, a Railway Station Toilet Professional who has lived in Penge all his life. “Things are definitely changing.” He tells me. “It’s all gastro this and Starbucks that. Just give me a good old cuppa tea” he quips. The old Petrol Station opposite Gregg’s house is now the smoking area for a late night gay club called Fatigué, I ask him what he makes of the many provocatively dressed gentlemen that now reside in the area. “Well, at least they are driving out the nignogs” he quips.

That gives the reader a fighting chance to find it funny. And this time around, I noticed the dig at media graduates! BURN! So, keep your pieces short and break up your paragraphs more. Now let's talk about your screen name, The Editor.

If any competent editor saw Complaints on a Plate, they'd seize your title and leave your broken husk in a dumpster dripping with red ink. Putting aside your callous disregard for comma placement, other missing punctuation, and my assorted style quibbles, there are some major fuck-ups on your watch:

• Writing "cliental" (having to do with a client) for "clientele" (the people who patronize an establishment)


• Writing "physic" (a medicine, or the practice of medicine) for "physique" (the physical structure of a person)


• Writing "manger" (think of baby Jesus) for "manager" (the person in charge)


• Writing "anti-percipient" (percipient means either the ability to perceive or one who perceives) for "antiperspirant" (dumbass)


• Writing "you no nothing about" for "you know nothing about" (ironic, no?)


• Writing "cacogenic" (causing defects in offspring) for "carcinogenic" (cancer-causing)


• Writing "cloistral" (secluded, sheltered, like a cloister) for "cholesterol" (the lipoprotein associated with cardiovascular disease)


• Writing "wacaday" (a television show) for "workaday" (mundane or commonplace)


• And many more!³

These might be intentional problems that you introduced for laughs, in which case congratulations are in order. You have annoyed the only person who will ever give a fuck.

You also need to work on your packaging. Could you have done a worse job with your title graphic? I guess you want to use the cake-holding housewife image as a brand logo or something (it's also on your blogger profile page and your facebook page), but a title graphic should do better than the mangled results of Norman Rockwell's fight with a taffy pulling machine. Even plain text on a colored background would be better.

The best I can say about your layout is that it's simple and uncluttered. But for what you're trying to do here, it may be too simple. You aren't putting your entries in any sort of context, and the jumble of fake news, reviews, and opinion pieces leaves me baffled as to your ultimate purpose.

I give people the benefit of a doubt when it looks like they're trying to be a smartass as long as there's some style to it, but this whole blog feels unfinished. I'd give work like this a solid "meh," but it tries so hard to wrap it all up in a "fake news for comedy" package—and fails so spectactularly at it—that I'm giving "Complaints on a Plate" the short bus.








_{1) This entry being exhibit A.
2)Actually, one of the main justifications of PUA behavior is that your evolutionary imperative drives you to get out there and distribute your seed, so routine hook-ups are just practice. Unwanted pregnancies are proof that you can successfully distribute your genes, and not your problem.
3) Other problems:
"Perpetually transmogrify villages," in that context, should be "perpetually transmogrifying villages"
"Bright young thing" should be plural "things"
For "sciencesque-like" I recognize that you're reaching to make a joke about your study's validity, but either "sciencesque" or "science-like" get the point across without overkill.
"Scientists long-held theory" should have an apostrophe.
"Vote's green," if used to mean "voting for the green party" shouldn't have an apostrophe.
"Everyday" (adjective meaning "mundane") should be "every day" (occurring each day)
"You maybe wondering" should be "you may be wondering"}

Not George. Not Dave. Not even Elmer or glue.

Another guest review from Ellie over at the Daily Smoke.

I like to think I’m funny. Not like a comedian funny, but generally jocular in my day-to-day dealings. (Trevor: Please note, instead of ‘day-to-day’ I might have used ‘quotidian’ or ‘diurnal’ or even ‘circadian’, if my thesaurus is to be believed. Sometimes, though, the simplest way of saying something is best.)

I’m living with a dog and working from home these days. Before I chose this life for myself, my Mondays consisted of back-to-back management meetings that frequently overran. I often blurted out a quip or bon mot or wisecrack to lighten up the very important and serious matters that occupied us during our important and serious, overrunning Monday meetings. My sallies were always well received. My colleagues would chuckle or slap their knees; any tension that had resulted from our serious and important discussions would have dissipated. From time to time I would bite my tongue rather than share the wit, because there is a time and a place for everything; and sometimes it’s just not professional to joke in the midst of important and serious dealings. I am, above all, professional.

Maybe in my current isolation, I am losing my sense of humour because I did not find Trevor to be rip-roaring, laugh-out-loud funny.

I make a quick mental inventory of my sense of humour. My assessment reveals that whilst I might not be making as many jokes these days (the dog has no sense of humour), I still enjoy a good gut-busting guffaw or even a mild tee-hee titter. And, I don’t discriminate: whether funny is of a sophomoric caliber or of a more refined palate, I like it. I suppose at this point I should provide examples as proof.

Low brow examples: I love South Park (Has anyone seen the Medicinal Chicken episode?!!!) and American Pie and The Hangover. Oh! And the season of America’s Next Top Model, the one with Jade. She was a hoot!

High brow examples: I get a kick out of Catch-22, and Sheridan’s Mrs. Malaprop from The Rivals and George Bush. That guy is a brilliant comedian.

There we have it: even if I am not myself funny, I do have a sense of humour.

Despite my self-acknowledged sense of humour, I had never visited a self-proclaimed humour blog until I was chosen to review Write in the Kisser. Blogging humourists get a bad rap around these parts. I mulled this over as I mentally limbered up to write this snippet. I asked myself, “Are the folks at AAYSR being fair or are they suffering from having a foreign something up their own asses?”

I negotiated a 2-week deadline and dove into funny with enthusiasm, prepared to prove the naysayers wrong.

Almost immediately after diving in, I scrambled out of the cold, brackish, not-so-funny blog. Over the course of the next ten days, I tried to re-immerse myself. I’d stick my big toe in or my pinky finger, but I couldn’t last in the un-funny. There was always something more fun calling: laundry, filling out expenses, walking the humourless dog, and shaving my legs, to name a few. Reviewing this blog was very much like doing taxes: the dread of the chore hangs over your head for weeks, you tackle the chore in fits and starts, you have to ask for an extension, finally you muster up the energy it will require to do the bare minimum just to get it done and out the door. Trevor drove me to do the bare minimum.

Why didn’t I find Trevor’s blog funny? (BTW Trevor: it’s not a weg, nor will it ever be a weg. Are your repeated references to ‘weg’ your attempt to be funny or have you been misinformed?)

Quick internal aside:

Jesus fucking God when am I going to be done with this review?

Let’s just get this over with already: click on ‘Ranked’ in AAYSR's header and scroll down to ‘anti-humour’ you will find a lot has already been written, which sums up my feelings about Trevor’s blog.

For example,

1. “If you tell me you’re funny, you already suck.”

Trevor: it’s a bit audacious to describe yourself as the love child of George Carlin and Dave Barry; and when you fail to deliver, you just come off as pretentious.

2. “Fucking tries too hard and fails miserably”

Trevor: you have a varied vocabulary. Good for you. The way you use it though makes you sound contrived. Here’s a teensy example of how your choice of words pain me.

"Hmmm," you muse.
...

"Yes," I aver, tiring of the conceit.

Sometimes, authenticity in writing requires you put your dog-eared copy of Roget's back on the shelf. Maybe you should try it.

3. Trevor “with your fantastical nonsense, I sense you are sitting there, buttocks clenched, waiting to be told how wonderful you are. So here goes: You're not really. You could be, but we’ll come back to that.”

Trevor, I don’t think you don’t have a sense of humour. I simply think it’s limited to recognising funny, rather than being funny. You find some outlandish, funny-in-its-wackiness stuff out there. If your blog were just a compendium of links to the stuff you find funny, I might like it more.

You, however, feel compelled to add your own narration. You are not a bad writer. You seem to follow grammatical conventions. You use commas and apostrophes and italicised print in all the right places. It's your tone that doesn't sit well with me. My ears hear immaturity trying real hard to be all grown up. Your use of sarcasm is bland and flat. If you're going to be sarcastic, make it wither shit on the vine. Sarcasm needs to be biting as hell, otherwise, it's just a sign of the sad aloofness of someone trying too hard to be cool.

I suspect that if you shed the whole 'humour' blog persona, you would write more freely, perhaps gain some confidence, and maybe even have something interesting to say.

A couple of quick fixes could be made: put something about you in your About page. As it is now it tells us shit all that we can't figure out from a two minute scan of your blog. And as Rassles wrote to another un-funny "I’m like motherfuckin’ Encyclopedia Brown. Give us an “About Me” page ..."

Finally, consider changing the graphic in your banner. Write in the Kisser is a clever(ish)title, but the way the graphic presents it, it reads Write Kisser In The.

I'm giving you the short bus. I wish it hadn't taken me so long.








* Sincere thanks to Madame Bellicose, Love Bites, Father Gene, and Rassles for paving the un-funny road before me.

Fwd: fwd: fwd: fwd: cut that out, already

Hey kids! Ginny of Praying to Darwin here. Madame Bellicose asked me to fill in, do a review, post SOMETHING for the love of god. She sends her regrets, and will be back as soon as she can. I'm not at liberty to give any details; suffice it to say that when you are picking a "safe" word for the evening, maybe avoid citrus fruits, because in the heat of the moment, it's hard to remember whether it was "tangerine" or "clementine" that meant stop. And by the time you remember which was which, or even which one has seeds, enough time has elapsed for some really freaky shit to go down.

But I digress.

If you were to hack into my email, right now (don't though, please, because I am far too busy/lazy to change my passwords), you'd find a metric butt load of forwards. Forwards from well-meaning folks. Folks who think that by forwarding mildly racist jokes and kookily captioned pictures, they are making my day. And maybe making me think that they, by association, are funny. But they don't make me laugh. They make me sad. Sad that I wasted my time. Sad that although these (mostly semi-elderly) people have figured out the gull-durned interwebs, they're only using it to spam me with this crap.

I read blogs to get away from that.

And then I get to review Venom, Secrets, & Lies.

Uh oh.

Because Venom doesn't just let these high-LARIOUS forwards sit in her inbox. Nope. She turns 'em into posts. A lot. Of posts.

And when she's not posting tired email forwards, she's flogging the living shit out of something called HumorBloggers.com. To the point where I wonder what these people have on her. (In a post where she contemplates shutting the blog down, she second guesses herself based solely on the idea that changing her blog will get her punted by these people. That scares me.)

So it would be easy to dismiss her.

But I can't.

Because when she just lets loose and tells you what's going on in her life, tells you a bit about herself, or sets up her very own, original joke, she's easy to like. When she just talks to you, and stops trying so hard, she's all potential. Her writing style makes me feel like we're having a conversation at her kitchen table, over coffee laced with not-cream. And I like it.

So Venom, here's my two cents (and since we're both Canadian, there's no pesky exchange rate to get in the way): break free. This whole HumorBloggers thing you've gotten yourself into is hemming you in, restricting you, and not in a fun, S&M kind of way. I think there's someone in there, worth reading. When you get her out, on a regular basis, I'll want to read regularly.

The email forward/HumorBlogger stuff gets you a flaming finger.

But damned if I can't stop myself from giving you a star,

because I want to come to Manitoba and talk to you and not hear jokes my grandpa already forwarded me.

P.S.: Please don't think I'm hating on HumorBloggers.com. I understand the idea of community building as a reason to blog. I really do. I just don't like what it's doing to this particular blogger. So there.

Newsflash: If you tell me you're funny, you already suck

Imagine a friend sets you up with some dude. When you ask what he looks like, your friend can't even remember, probably because there is absolutely nothing about his colorless appearance that distinguishes him in any way from the 6 billion other people walking around. He's blander than cardboard dipped in liquefied brown rice.

But you can get beyond looks and so you agree to a phone conversation that could potentially turn into a date if he dazzles you with his personality.

The dude calls you up and for a few seconds seems normal, even coherent, besides the fact that he speaks about himself in third person and goes on and on about his childhood for the first 20 seconds of your conversation, and has a terrible habit of repeating stupid shit he's already said. You decide to let it slide assuming maybe he's a poor planner and didn't know what the fuck to say.

Before you have even had a full minute to decide how this person comes across, he informs you that he is funny, and lets on that he has Humor Bloggers Disease, the bloggers' STD of self-flattery usually based on the number of morons they can get to click on a banner in their ugly-ass sidebar. In mere seconds, his lexical frying pan just killjoyed your disappointed face.

Now that he has prematurely publicized his funniness, thereby insulting you by assuming you lack the wherewithal to decide what funny consists of, every single thing that now comes out of his unmemorable pie hole is examined with unmitigated scrutiny. This then renders whatever would have been even remotely funny no longer fucking funny at all.

Three fat jokes, one Muslim joke, one Mexican joke, and one retard joke later and you tell him:

You know what?









And you hang up the phone.

So when you see her standing there...she won't be wearing underwear

So this dude comes up to you in a bar. The first thing you notice is that he's wearing a stupid hat, and has his fingernails painted black, and then you realize that it looks like he had his hair done by the same people that used to style Cyndi Lauper.

And you think, "What the hell is he wearing? What heterosexual man would ever be caught dead wearing a purple velvet blazer and ankle boots? Please don't talk to me. Please don't talk to me. Please don't talk to me."

Your attempt to redirect him with mind powers fails. Like a mosquito, he unerringly hones in on you, coming right up into your business and invading your personal space with his buzz.

And that seems bad enough, but then he opens his mouth.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

Your doelike eyes stare into his headlights, stunned by the fact that this tool has singled you out as if you have "pick me, douche" scrawled on your forehead.

"Ummm, come again?"

"Are you okay?" he asks again, more slowly this time.

"Sure," you say, turning away, slightly, to offer him your teflon-coated shoulder of doom.

"I just wondered," he says, breathing from his mouth, "because that must have been a long fall from heaven." He chokes on his own laughter.

You smile unsmilingly, and turn fully away from him, stifling his enthusiasm with indifference. He waits a while, then says, "Hey." You ignore him. "Hey," he repeats, a bit more loudly. You wish for him to leave.

"Fucken bitch," he mutters under his breath as he turns and splooges away, back to his corner.

Problems with this blog:
1) Hideous template
2) Ten million ads.
3) Humor that stopped being humorous when I was about 15.
4) FUCKING TRIES TOO HARD AND FAILS MISERABLY.

In short, I offer you the following site description, from the author himself:

WARNING:
This blog may or may not contain adult themes and may or may not be suitable for small children or nuns. Scary evil people and axe murderers will find this blog enjoyable.
If your are a small kid and you've somehow come across this site then make sure you tell all your friends about it, it will make you popular and rich!

We Don't get paid so make sure you leave a comment, subscribe, Stumble, Digg and all that other stuff. Fame and possible future profits are our award!
If you forget you might die, seriously its happened before, maybe.

Did I mention its a humor blog?

If you have to tell people that it's a humor blog, it isn't. Please stop polluting the blogo-sphere with your yak shit. This is one blog that should have been killed in utero before it was ever birthed in puke and sweat onto the interwebs.

Vanilla, Chocolate, Pirate.

Today's scheduled victim was in a terrible trebuchet accident and the kind crew here decided it would be easier on the family not to run his review. Instead, we have one of our guest reviewers to fill in. If there's anyone Miss Missives would call to take over a lashing session, it would be the Dirty Pirate Hooker. She's clearly a masochist and a sadist because she is voluntarily walking down the aisle with Ghost of Keywork in the near future. She is flexing her mean muscle here a little in preparation for married life where she'll have to keep her dirty little raccoon in line. -Miss Missives


Good morning, it is I, the Dirty Pirate Hooker. I’ve been dying to do a guest review and when the lovely Miss Missives popped up in my inbox with today’s review, I was excited! I was expecting a blog about some wannabe whore that I could shame in front of the masses. Instead I got this.

Let's talk about your template, shall we? First of all let me say, that 20 posts per page are way too fucking many, and because of how many you have on each page, your blog takes forever to load. The first thing my eyes are assaulted with upon visiting your blog is your ginormous fucking header. You boast on your header about your "twisted" sense of humor, but the only thing I found funny on your blog was your disgusting need for people to like you. I mean come on honey, have some dignity. Do you really need 14 ways for someone to follow you? That just screams, "I'm fucking desperate, love me". Also, the navigation on your blog sucks. Get a drop down for your archives and do it by month and year. Nothing irritates me more than clicking on "older posts".

I need to clue you in on a little secret. Are you listening? Blog awards are like getting a medal at the special olympics. You may be a winner, but you're still fucking retarded. Sure there's something to say about being given an award, but you file away that fuzzy feeling and you leave it at that. You don't post them up on your blog and list the number of times these awards have been given to you. And seriously? You have a humorblog button that lists how many people voted for you? You're not even funny, like at all. The only thing I'm going to say about your pathetic attempt to make money off of your blog is, that design sucks and all of the clothes on there are ugly.

As for the content, I really have nothing nice to say. My first thought when I started reading was, "can I be mean to a woman who just got punched by her ex"? Then I kept reading and decided yes, I can. Lisa, you don't take responsibility for anything, which is clearly evidenced here , here, the second half of this post, I could keep going but I think you all get the point. I fear that blogging is like a popularity contest for you. Bitch, you're addicted to your blog and are blogging for all the wrong reasons. You don't even write about anything in particular. It's all just crap that I have no interest in reading and I can't even fathom why others would want to either.

The only time that I laughed out loud while reading this waste of space was during this post. I want to be bff's with the kid who texted you and then later wrote the apology letter. I want him/her to have their own blog because that was some truly entertaining shit right there.

Lisa, I hate your blog and wish that it would die a slow and painful death. For that reason, I am giving you 3 flaming fingers, and this one as well. It seems so fitting.

I Wish This Fucking Day Would End

This isn't his first time guest reviewing here at Ask. Ghost of Keywork, lovingly referred to as Gok around these parts, probably finished having any firsts about the time he was fifteen. According to his mom he's a whore, but whores of a feather flock together and somehow he crossed starry paths with our favorite hooker and they'll be heading down the aisle pretty soon to make it official. Sure he's gone private, but if you want to get a load of the goods, you might want to ask nice and bring lots of lube. - Miss Missives

Hello, I believe we all know who I am. I won't lie, this review is rather short and to the point. I don't know anyone like today's blogger, and after reading his blog, I'm glad. Really, it is that bad. Before I dig into my next victim, go here and have a laugh. Because there is absolutely no humor to be found anywhere at A Day In The Life. Monday's post was the closest that you came to making me contemplate laughter. Seriously, dude, you've been going at this since 2003. Obviously, blogging is not your thing, stick to graphic design. I have friends that work in your field, and they are, for the most part, funny. Entertaining even. I wish they would blog. Sadly, they don't, and you do. Thanks. Ok, let us get to your journal. Tell you what, let me show the good people why you should never post again.


Exhibit A: Enthralling!


Exhibit B: Captivating!


Exhibit C: Oh, Fuck, I Can't Fake It Anymore.


Look, I'd love to know what you did yesterday, but you can't be bothered to give me any fucking details. So, fuck you. No, really, fuck you. Your template is pathetic. So is mine, but my writing more than makes up for it. The only thing your writing does is make everyone feel better about their writing. Again, you have been getting away with this spineless shit for a few years now. Stop. If you want to put your spin on the news, then fucking put your spin on it. I don't want to waste any more time than I already have, so I'm going to lay it down right now:

If I were on fire, burning to death, and you had more than enough water(I'm likening your blog to life-giving water) to extinguish me, I would pay you to take your water(blog) and go fuck yourself. I would rather die in an entertaining fashion than run the risk of living after being exposed to your boring fucking water(blog). Seriously.

Oh, get rid of the ads, shorten up your blog roll, fix your goddamned archives, and hire someone else to write for you. Here are two things that I will now address, from your blog:

This. Yeah, God really has it in for you. Look, a funny raccoon post. What? My blog is being reviewed by a dead raccoon? Fuck. Yeah, you didn't do yourself any favors by posting that lolcoon. The post was fine without it.

And this. What, I didn't link anything? That's right, I didn't. On your blog, you have a link that I can click on to donate money for 'all the work you do around here'(referring to your blog, I assume). This was the icing on your boring cake of a blog.

Please, cut off all your fingers and stay away from the internet. Can we make that a new rating?

Nonsense indeed

Oh joy. A "humour" blog.

All the Indian emos must be busy queuing up for my chemical romance tickets.

Anyway, Mr VE with your fantastical nonsense, I sense you are sitting there, buttocks clenched, waiting to be told how wonderful you are.

So here goes: You're not really. You could be, but we’ll come back to that.

Humour bloggers are starting to become the bane of my existence. This one is more or less the same as all the rest. Post after post of nothingness surrounding yet another quirky picture stolen from the internet, that a thousand other gormless humour bloggers are copy/pasting into another thousand worthless posts in the name of entertainment somewhere else on the planet.

That’s the bulk of your stuff I'm sorry to say. But, there are glimpses of hope, all is not lost. You are, if nothing else, occasionally original. You manage to squeeze out entries on a regular basis where there should be no fodder.

You show that you can write up a storm from almost nothing. This is what I see as your redeeming feature. You are a writer. Unfortunately you are a writer wasting your time on a "LOL" and "I think I threw up a little in my mouth" audience.

Write about yourself, about what you do, about the shit you put up with daily, the ins and outs of the ordinary, the mundane, and the reality. Turn your language skills and fluid vocabulary to that instead of today's Yahoo wacky news headline.

You do the haggard old humour blog "well", and that's as objective as I'm going to get about it, considering I hate everything about it at this stage. What you could do is endless. You have a nice turn of phrase, a purposefulness when you write, and an interesting dark humour that deserves a more substantial subject matter.

I think you are wasting your time doing what you do now, but of course that's personal opinion. I ask you are you proud of what you produce? all of it?

I spent hours reading through you last week and I couldn't come up with anything more than major 'meh'. So in an attempt to not be completely guided by my prejudices, I came back to it this week.

You do a neat humour blog, which to me is akin to performing a tidy home abortion, but each to their own. Two stars through my gritted teeth, with endless possibilities if you changed your focus.

= = = = =

An aside. Lest I be accused of hating an entire sub-continent, I must refer to an earlier review of the cynic's bar. A shit load of potential, but Joe had a tendancy to never shut the fuck up. It was almost unreadable without huge effort.

Fast forward 5 or 6 months and have a look at an infinitely improved template, and posts that actually read like they were edited with being read by another human in mind. You can now see the black humour in almost every entry, the alternating touches of self deprecation and obnoxiousness, and a sinister grumpiness that I enjoy.

It's different, in written pace and origins, and although the comments tend to spiral into incomprehensible screeches and grunts, overall it's no real bad thing.

You are not a cynic, you're just a grumpy fucker, but one who wanted critique, took it on the chin, and acted. A pretty fucking unique effort and I think it deserves a few of these.

I havent got a fucking clue why there are a billion stars in this post, and I can't be arsed trying to fix it any more. To clarify, 2 for funny man and 3 for the slumdog millionaire.

You’re Everywhere, But You’re So Hard To Find

Have you ever fantasized about a woman who has an American doll costume in her role playing menagerie? Have you ever thought razor sharp wit and drunken buffoonery are a super sexy combo? Do you look like a little like this guy? Then sidle up and spend a few minutes with this week's guest reviewatrix, Rassles. She'll organize your drunk choo-choo party, or best you with her Live Band Karaoke. Then if you're really good, she'll make you some of Chicagoland's best stroganoff, what what. -Miss Missives

Okay, so sometimes you have a coworker, and she’s all like, trying to set you up with a guy she’s friends with because he’s “totally funny” and her “face hurt from laughing so hard” and you’re thinking, “Finally, someone with which to create a comedic duo that would rival Nichols and May,” but then you meet him he’s kind of cautious, and sometimes savvy, but not the raucous laugh factory you expected, so instead of hitting it off with an amusing guy you’re all shattered and grumpy and forlorn and get really, really drunk to make up for it.

That’s kind of how I feel about Free the Unicorns. And I mean, sure, technically the preceding story in no way relates to why I’m reviewing a blog today, but fucking whatever.

This is a comedy blog. Chowner is a man who wants to be very, very clever. And sometimes he is, really, but unfortunately, the skill is usually buried in posts that are exhausting in simplicity, or full of overused pop culture commentary and an abundance of obvious lines that were funny when I was twelve.

Still, you’re lucky, because I’m currently undergoing a second adolescence.

His writing is intentionally distancing and sarcastic, which I have no problem with, because he’s not obnoxious about it. There’s a thin line separating satire from sadism, and he doesn’t cross it. Still, if you’re looking for a blog bleeding personal details, you won’t find it here. This blog is like the auxiliary gym for C-Team at The Onion, or Something Awful’s slightly annoying but surprisingly engaging and informed little brother. You won’t find thought-provoking exhibitions on the human condition, and sometimes the humor is recycled and obvious, but there’s this artful wit lurking in the corners that makes me want him to be hilarious.

Chowner, in nearly every post, your last line is the best line, especially with the dialogue posts. But if your goal is banter: watch your pacing. Clip things down, because you’re dragging your rhetoric throughout the middle of the posts. The bitch of it is, if you cut out half of the crap, focus on the title and the last several lines you crank out, we’ll find prowess in your restraint.*

Your lists are strong, and some are downright crazy awesome, but I’m partial to lists, and I feel like this is where your personality inches closer to your readers. I know you’re not journaling here, in fact it feels like you’re building up a little comedic resume for that McSweeney’s submission, but slipping in little cubes of you will give your humor more edge and less monotony. Own your fucking jokes, personalize them, spit ‘til they shine. And I want to hear more about your failing one-man crusade for Unicorn Freedom, because somewhere in your past you had to have some conversation of hilarity to inspire such temerity.

The template is simple and has a horny pony, so you know. Win.

Using my unparalleled powers of inference, I have determined that Chowner is male, married to Sydney Bristow, and Canadian. I’m like motherfuckin’ Encyclopedia Brown. Give us an “About Me” page or I’ll find you and shave off your eyebrows in your sleep. And if you think that’s a hollow threat, I can introduce you to a Schick Quattro and a pair of fisticuffs aching to attest to my resolve.

Next, post your archives. I know you’ve only been writing since September, but I still want to hit up your past posts because I am nosy, and I hate clicking “Older Entries” over and over and over again. Oh, and just don’t do that continuing post bullshit, because it’s irksome, and you know…Razors and Fisticuffs: The Fucking Sequel.

Seriously, Chowner, you’ve got some gold: don’t make us bitches dig for it.

For being funny and pissing me off about it, I give you






And for making me go all Philip Marlowe on trying to find out who you were and whether or not you were funny, you get this:







*As I’m writing this, I want nothing more than to go back to my own blog and cut all of my posts in goddamn half, just to prove a point.

I'm Just Not that into You

Dear Catherinette,

We need to talk. Do you remember last week when you asked me if everything was okay and I said it was? I wasn't being honest with you and the truth is I can't do this anymore. Listen, it's been good getting to know you but I think we need some space. Maybe we should take a break, you know, see other people. It's just not going to work out between us and I really want what's best for you, for us. You deserve someone better, you know, someone who can love you the way you need to be loved, someone who can treat you right. I still care about you, but I don't feel the same way you do. I love you but I'm not in love with you. And let's face it, we're both so young, I just can't think about forever. Plus, work has been so busy, I really need to focus on my career right now—I just don't have time for a relationship. You understand don't you? It's me, it's not you. Really. We can still be friends right?

Oh, by the way, I fucked your sister.

Sincerely,
The Internets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Catherinette, breaking up is hard to do, no? Let Miss Missives state up front that it is you. We can smell the desperation dear, and in the blogging world as in the dating world, desperation is kryptonite. Posts like this one stink of it and then there's this one from Dec.10 :

"I am this close to pitching a fit, having a cow, and breaking some shit. What the fuck?? Yesterday I was number 5 of Humor Blogs, and now I’m not even listed! What the hell is that about?? Whose dick do you have to suck to stay in the god damned ranks??Seething with rage right now…"

Not being ranked in the Top 5 on Humorblogs really sent you into a tail spin? Really? We've reviewed a bunch of the 'humor blogs' and I can tell you from experience that what you don't have to have to be part of Humorblogs is humor. You link to no fewer than one of three other blogs on nearly every post. Humorblogs? Kizmeet? Twolia? Please don't settle for being mediocre in three places.

There are several things about your blog I don't like but here are the big ones. The first big no-no is having 'click to continue' posts. It would be irritating even if you were Chuck freaking Palahniuk but your intros aren't anywhere near attention grabbing enough to get away with it. This post I was actually inclined to read but the link to another site loaded so slow I gave up. There might have been some really good writing buried in your blog but I couldn't be bothered to link over to another site. The second thing that irked me is it would appear you are so inclined to get an award or be featured on other sites that you spend far too much time driving traffic and campaigning and far too little time writing.

I like that you have a countdown to the last time you had a peen in your vag on your homepage, and you use tabs well, however, your Cast of Characters at thirty, borders on unreadable and you need to pare down your sidebars, dump the calendar and move your Blog Roll to a tab.

There are things I like about you Catherinette. I liked this, while it wasn't exactly finely crafted, showed you have a sense of humor and wit about you. This was definitely TMI but gives me a sense of you. I like your Just the Tip Tuesday feature if for nothing more than a little man candy.

I can see what you're going for but it didn't connect for me. You're spreading yourself far too thin dear. You are not yet a talented or prolific enough writer to cast so many lines. You need to focus on your one blog and let the other ones go. You are both trying too hard and not putting enough effort into your writing.

I don't know if you'll be willing to do the things necessary to make your blog more readable but lucky for all of us, even if you don't, there are still plenty of fish in the sea. And when you get sloppy like this, give us a call and we'll be on you for a quickie hookup like white on rice.

Leave it to Steadman

The tree has been set ablaze, the presents have been exchanged, and the charges have all been dropped.

I stand before you naked and reborn and hungry to be driven. Driven to enlightenment, sadness, and laughter.

So what have you brought to offer me as means to take me there? You bring me a guy's guide to Oprah.

Seriously? that's it? Bollocks.

A poor idea, averagely executed, and short lived.

A gray mass of bored husband, started last Summer and dead in the water by early October.

It's hard enough to encourage me to read the drivel puked up by the general public at the best of times, but if you can't even be bothered to continue to write it you've been licking too many windows if you think I'm going to stretch myself to review it.

Lick on Jeeves.

The entries are dull overall. The original idea of a daily Oprah show review stroke commentary was a novelty that just could not be sustained, not without a glimmer of effort at least.

I'm sickened to my semen filled stomach with this plague of averageness. Another bright idea, another humor blog, another lame attempt full of excuses and lazy six-out-of-ten efforts.

There's plenty of okay, amusing, vaguely not ripped from a wrapper but already done to death entries, but nothing spectacular, or even really good.

This especially goes astray as a humor blog when the episode being reviewed is less than full of joy.

What really concerned me was that on many an occasion you actually did just summise the show, no slant, no joke, just summary. That's worse than going for the jugular with and entry and failing miserably.

In the end you developed crippling stomach pains and ended up in hospital. (Your wife is funny.)

It's possible that you may be dead.

Oh well, next....

Tears of a clown

This is going to sound hypocritical coming from a girl who calls herself Calamity and writes for a blog with vulgarity and threatened violence in the URL. But honestly? I don't like haters. Blogs that exist for the sole purpose of tearing others down and spewing bile and basically hating on everyone and everything turn me off.

I know. One could argue that we here at Ask spew our own particularly virulent brand of vitriol and gleefully take people down a notch or two. Or 47. And that's true. BUT! I truly believe we have altruistic intentions. We are merely here to serve, to entertain, and to clean up the blog world, one flaming finger at a time. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. And it's funnier.

So, yes, I'm a hypocrite. I can own that.

Which brings me to my review of Site Insights, which the owner claims is "A site with a few insights into life in the digital age, including pop culture humor, observations and thoughts from a new media douchebag.... As well as satirical and sarcastic commentary on being a middle aged geek in a twenty something world." And to that I say, well, at least he's honest. Except about the humor bit. Also, middle aged? Man. I thought he was 26, tops.

All we're told in his "about" spiel is that this person hates everything. Now, that's not boring in the least, is it? No interests, no personal history, no name, no gender, no background, no insight of any kind into who the author is. "Just Sayin'" is all we get, which, as a phrase, got old at least 3 years ago.

The design is website-y and a little befuddling. And unsettling. I'm not sure where to look. Call me simple-minded, but I need something more straightforward. And I hate this "click to read more" shit. Although, in Just Sayin's case, it does allow me to skip over those posts that don't interest me, which happens kind of a lot.

There's way too much stuff in the sidebar and footer. JS, you've got top posts, recent posts, recent comments, and another top posts. Why? Get rid of all of it and stick with an archive and category list and a blogroll. You're killing me with all that busy shit. This is a blog design for a magazine, or a team blog, not some guy venting about Paris Hilton and why rednecks are stupid.

And I can't deal with the little linky ad shit in the posts. I can't tell when you're sending me somewhere for emphasis to back up your writing, or if you're going to send me to a site about lower interest rates, which, if I wanted to find out about lower interest rates I'd goddamn go to Google, not a post on your blog that relates in no way whatsoever to the sites/ads that are linked. It's infuriating.

Moving on to the content: The "list of eleven" crap appended to every list is kind of pathetic. It doesn't take a real genius to recognize when the funny has left the building. There's some uneven posting, unless I'm missing some navigation option, which is entirely possible as this design overwhelms me. April 2008 has like four billion posts, while July has three. And they're all pop culture-related. And not even the good pop culture, like Buffy or James Bond or Dallas. Also, this guy is more into girly pop culture than any girl I've ever known.

The humor -- and I use that term loosely -- is tired, stereotypical (which he at least admits to), juvenile, and repetitive. And the writing is sophomoric. The ellipses have taken over the joint. It's a rambling, stream of consciousness mess of misogynism and ba-dum-bum-isms. I just picture this guy chortling to himself, cackling with glee over how funny he is. Thing is, he's just not. At least not to me. I didn't even crack a smile. Now, I remember what happened the last time I said someone with a humor blog was unfunny, don't y'all? Yeah, it wasn't pretty. But it was, ironically, funny.

You want to be a blogging god but aren't sure how? Well, me neither. But I know how you can stop being a blogging douche:

Your most interesting and revealing post didn't try to be funny. And that's what this blog has a lot of -- attempts at humor. Don't try so hard. Stop trying to convince everyone you're funny. The strain has to be killing you. It's a bit like Pollyanna writing a sex blog -- forced and uncomfortable and, ultimately, liable to break you out in hives.

So, ok, maybe some people think you're funny. I'm only one person, after all, and I'm not the arbiter of humor. (Although, dammit, why can't I be?) Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is, maybe you have some amusing insight into pop culture or "new media." But what you're publishing is just the same old crap someone else is publishing, only yours has less forethought, precision, and care. Seriously, the ellipses are your crutch and you've got to cast those things aside and say you're healed, because they aren't helping you at all. It's lazy, and it saves you from having to form complete thoughts, cohesive paragraphs, and polished posts.

I can't tell you how to be funny, but I can tell you how not to suck. Write what you know, take some time crafting your posts, be honest, let us in a little bit, tell us about yourself instead of whatever celebrity every other humor/pop culture/gossip blog in the world is covering, or if you insist on devoting time to celebrity news, try to bring something original, something fresh. And above all, tell us who you are, not who you want us to think you are -- the jaded, hateful cynic with talons to sharpen. Because it doesn't ring true. I sense (barely) a real person under all this contrived snark and false bravado. A person who, I suspect, would be more interesting than the guy you're playing at.

So only the first 15 minutes is free then?

I don't have long as I've got to be back at work soon, so I'm going to grab a quick sandwich and tell you that simply put, 15 minute lunch is tight.

What's the difference between this humour blog and a lot of the rest?

He spends his time being funny instead of telling us he's funny.

Johnny Virgil tells us some good funny stories from his own day to day, he picks some of the more obscure stuff from the net and world news, and sometimes he just lets the imagination run.

Consistent, thorough, carefully crafted, and most often, quite amusing.

You could dip into this blog at any time and find a post that tickles your fancy. His unassuming tone, and just on the right side of self deprecating voice, is a nice read, and you chuckle along with him because he doesn't hit you over the head with the 'I'm so funny' rubber mallet.

There really isn't much more to say, it's a tight ship, it promises and delivers.

If I'm going to be picky, and it's my party, so I will be, there are a few things you should do.

A better template, there's nothing really wrong with the one you have, but blue isn't funny is it? and as your posts tend to be quite long, a wider writing space would suit. You're good enough to deserve a nicer stage.

Your archive is crap, that list of yearless months is just dumb.

Those long posts, I admire your dedication and thoroughness but as someone who had to, and wanted to, read your archives it became heavy going, for a light hearted blog. I'm sure you plan posts in advance, mix it up a little, break up the flow a bit and throw out some short sharp shocks of funny once in a while.

Too much scrolling. Far too much, long posts plus a front page that goes back to August is no
good. 3, maybe 5 per page is enough for what you have there.

All in all, this is just nitpicking at what is a very well written humour blog, no clown shoes, no pie in the face, just original humour.

Hardly Cringe* Worthy

The great part about keeping a journal is that you can write anything you want to or need to without fear of censure or hurting someone's feelings. You can put your most closely held desires on paper, acknowledging them without putting them up to the scrutiny of others. You can ease the burdens of painful experiences by letting part of them go in a safe place.

With daily or almost daily journaling, you can date important events in your life for later and get a glimpse of yourself in your younger days. You can see the way you wrote, how you felt about things and because it's you reading words you wrote, you can almost step back in time and remember what that felt like.

But when you keep a Livejournal and you invite others to read it and you submit your journal for review, you lose most of these wonderful things. You also seek attention or validation for things that are never going to be interesting to other people. Unless your life is truly fascinating or you write exceptionally well, someone else's journal is mealy meat loaf, tinny tasting overcooked greenbeans and tuna casserole. It might be food but it's not a meal. It's like the three-recipe repertoire homecook trying to compete along side the Iron Chef, sure it's not in the ballpark, but really it's not even the same game.

Now many writers who keep blogs, chronicle parts of their lives in a way that's akin to journaling but we read them because of their humor or eloquence or ability to perfectly capture something we have felt or experienced. We read them because they have a knack for storytelling and can spin nearly anything into an entertaining tale. There are also some people who use their blogs almost exclusively for journaling and maybe they aren't natural storytellers but they have a highly compelling individual story, no matter how it's told. So what do you have when you have a journal keeper who lacks specific writing talent absent a compelling story? You have Crazy Stuff in My Head.

I won't soften it, I don't like this blog. One reason is Livejournal which just feels to me like a handful of the worst of Myspace and Facebook without their better features. Did you know that Livejournal's mascot is Frank the goat? Well, Miss Missives wants to kick Frank in the teeth. I cannot link to anything specific here because the entries don't have their own page. Frankly, it doesn't matter because none of the entries are written for a larger audience. The topics are mundane and the writing is cursory and thoughtless. There is also very little information about the journal keeper adding another difficulty in connecting with this material in any way.

Now I'm not suggesting that she shouldn't keep a journal or that it lacks any purpose or meaning, only that this particular journal is important to only one person and interesting to maybe seven more. She shouldn't stop writing the mundane, everyday happenings of her life just stop looking for reader's or stranger's approval.

As for the space itself, it needs a header. The whole thing is very nondescript, much like the writing. The font is too small but the space is spare and the sidebar relatively clean. This whole thing feels like your mom's tuna casserole. If she's your mom, yeah, you'll eat it but you would never ask for the recipe, pass it along, order it out and you're definitely not having seconds.

For you, a trifecta.







*Cringe is an open mic reading series where brave souls come forward and read aloud from their teenage diaries, journals, notes, letters, poems, abandoned rock operas, and other general representations of the crushing misery of their humiliating adolescence.

Open Water

The proliferation of so many unfunny, funny blogs must certainly be a sign of the coming blogopolypse. Miss Missives decreed it in her last few reviews and now it's official:

Blogging truth #37- Any blog that has 'humor' in the title will not have humor in the content.

Angry Seafood: An Original Humor Blog, is where Chris goes to get his write on. Contrary to what people might think, Miss Missives doesn't want to be unnecessarily cruel. I'm not here with the intent of crushing Chris's spirit like I'm the pointy stiletto and he's the soft, furry gerbil. Unlike so many of the tools I've come across lately, Chris doesn't blog to blog. It's clear he actually enjoys his blog and tries to be clever, witty, a little offbeat and funny. It's just not hitting the mark.

Here are the things I take issue with:
1.If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed! Vote for me on humor blogs. Want to be on my blogroll? How about a reciprocal link, want to twitter me, twatter me? It's enough to give Miss Missives a gigantic, temple pulsing, sinus ripping, anvil to the back of the head migraine. Guess what, these are gimmicks and if your writing is good, you don't need them. I understand wanting to utilize available tools to get people reading your stuff but how much is too much?

2.An original humor blog? This has been done more times than the Dirty Pirate Hooker, and better. For the joke to work you have to set it up right.
Him: Would you like to dance?
Her: No.
Him: No, what I said was you look fat in those pants.

The crux of the joke is that "want to dance" sounds vaguely like "fat in those pants," one does not work without the other. Plus, she's wearing a skirt in the illustration.

Again, this is just a reworking of something that wasn't that great to begin with. This is okay, but again, it's been done better. There is quite a bit of recycled pilfered jokes here, and really, it's material that isn't even worth lifting.

3.Not to split hairs, but as to this from his About page:

“I am a professional aspiring freelance writer”

You are either a professional freelance writer or an aspiring freelance writer but you are not a professional aspiring freelance writer.

4.The writing is clunky. For example:

"I guess that is like saying there is humor in a funeral or a car crash. But more like a train wreck, these two complete pieces of entertainment crap were what we had for choices to spend our recreational time on this weekend."

"If the Back to the Future franchise, one that is a tenth as valuable as the Star Wars one had the decency to try and maintain some kind of coherent continuity, what does that say about Lucas?"

"The other night I realized why and I have it down to two things: reality television and bad movies late at night."

"I have tried not to see Batman and Robin because of my weakness and my fears were confirmed."

"Polygamists from Little House on the Prairie, Texas headed into the big city where the cement walkers live Friday to face the courts in a child custody case.

You say you're all about the writing but when I started slogging through it, the most recent posts were not at all focused on writing. You have a list of popular television shows that had been published elsewhere with a small amount of static commentary from you. You have an interview where you ask many of the questions you ask in all the interviews. You have an announcement of contest winners. There's more of an interview, then finally a small piece of writing/commentary and the setup for a contest. Snore. I looked through no less than thirty posts and I just couldn't find any winners. The best posts on this site are the interviews with other bloggers . The questions are generally the same from interview to interview but some of the subjects are funny.

Now that Miss Missives has made chowder out of you, how about the good news? This was okay and Miss Missives knows you're trying. This was pretty funny, though it could be amped up with some additional examples and editing. There was one thing about Angry Seafood I really liked, the template. The colors, design, layout, and font size makes this easy on the eyes if not belly achingly funny. Your header is unique, the blues and greens are nice to look at and you've made good use of tabs. The only thing I would change is add a drop down archive and clean up your sidebar.

I don't want to discourage you because I know you are very serious about trying to develop as a writer. As far as constructive advice, I can offer a little. One, spend less time on quantity and more time on quality. You need to clean up your writing after you get it down. You need to look it over and ask yourself, "how can I make this more clear." If this writing thing is something you really want to do, I would suggest taking a creative writing course. Your writing needs fine-tuning, it needs polish, flow and you need feedback.

Meh-diocre

Nothing to write home about dear.