Tuesday, October 14, 2008

This place always smells like sex

I can't promise a purely objective view of this tawdry site. I'll be honest, I like it too much for that. But, I'll do my best.

Keywork first started slumming in these parts after his pal, Laurie, received a fairly cordial yet tepid review of her blog, and whined, loudly. Spankings and mayhem resulted.

And, we've been fast (albeit sexually exhibitionist) friends ever since.

It's rather humorous that Key has finally submitted his blog here, long after doing a few reviews for us. And, knowing how bitchy I am, still hasn't fucking fixed his template.

But, all in good time, my pets.

Without further adieu, the template. Apparently, key's huge penis is doing all the thinking these days, because the template is hideous. It has improved, believe it or not, but it still looks like donkey ass. I dunno, maybe they like donkey ass a little too much out in western Colorado, if you catch my drift.

Key: Use a graphic in the header. If you need it, I'll personally create a header bar for your blog that features this. It should be at the top of your blog.

Second, the fucking font does not need to be this large, unless you're publishing books in large print for elderly readers. And, seniors should be advised AGAINST your blog because your content might give them a heart attack. Thus, scale your font down to some normal size, you retard.

I would recommend, as I always do, something with navigation buttons across the top. These designs are generally clean and user-friendly, and would help. How about something like this or this? Or, maybe even this? All of those are simple and clean, and will make navigation easier for your readers. Move your archive up on your sidebar, put some of these pictures and headings behind navigation buttons, and clean up your sidebar. That will help emphasize your charitable causes, which currently are competing with photos of your electronic monitoring anklets (you fucking criminal).

You might even consider putting pictures of yourself as "hot marlboro marine" in your header bar, though not in the dimension of 1024 x 968 pixels.

In my opinion, you should only read this blog if you like stories about sex. Or, stories about sex with prosthetic limbs. Or, you should read it if you're a fucking retard, doomed to failure. Or, if you have hot geek crushes and want to feel normal (relatively speaking). Or, if you have sympathy for drunken suicide attempts that (thankfully) failed. Or, if you want to learn about rimjobs.

Keywork, you're a fucking cluster. A fuster cluck, or clusterfuck, in the truest sense of the military phrase. You need to get your shit together. I wish you wrote more, because when you actually write posts (versus whoring for votes and/or causes), your posts are profane, hilarious, deeply wrong in all the right ways, and surprisingly touching. You're the non-douchey Tucker Max. You're a fucking screw-up with more than one screw loose, and I want to take you in and serve you chocolate pudding, and then lick it off your hot, naked, frighteningly pale body. Yes, DPH can join in.

What can I say? You're our Key, and we loves you. Even if you don't clean up your blog template and the abomination of large fonts, I will still keep immersing myself in your personal sewer. Because I like it, dammit.

54 comments:

  1. Man, I fucking hate that guy.

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  2. I like it too.

    This is one of the few blogs that actually makes me laugh out loud while sitting alone in my office. Not just a little snicker either.

    Reading Key´s blog is like reading someone´s awesomely perverted stream of consciousness. It doesn´t even bother me that shuns the use of structured paragraph format.

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  3. Now his retarded head is going to blow up even bigger than it was before.

    Yeah, I like him, even if he is an asshole.

    And he knows I mean that the nicest way possible.

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  4. I can join in? Well thank you so much, LB.

    Does this mean I have to go all gay on LB though? I mean, I'm cool with that, just curious. From what I can tell, she has a huge rack. And this hooker loves some boobs.

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  5. I can't tell you how many times LB has hinted at me changing my template. Maybe I should look into that. Chocolate pudding? You've been going through my garbage again, haven't you? I'm putting that Tucker Max reference on my business cards.

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  6. I honestly thought I was the only one that knew who Tucker Max was. I've never considered the comparison until now. Key Max. Yeah, that's about right.

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  7. Fuck paragraphs. Chris, that's one of the nicer things I've ever had someone say about me. Lb, you did save your receipt from Hot Topic, right? Otherwise you're stuck with a store credit.

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  8. key, your blog is the only one i know of that actually works without paragraphs. Others that try it make my eyes bleed and my brain hurt, like listening to someone that won´t shut the fuck up and take a breath of air.

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  9. Thanks, Bluestreak. I can't legally kill my old english prof, so the paragraph deal was the next best thing. I'm a dirty tramp, blah, blah, blah.

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  10. What did I buy at Hot Topic, Key? Remind me again.

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  11. All the dirty whores know who Tucker is. But Key is way, way better.

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  12. Also, Key, I demand that you post this review, in it's entirety, on your blog. It's only fair.

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  13. key - no paragraphs probably works as your content already makes most people hyperventilate that they don´t need those mental breaths of air that paragraphs allow for. Either that or there´s so much heavy breathing going on while reading that further breaths of air would be redundant.

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  14. I will on my lunch break. You purchased your personality there, remember? Tucker Max is like a trust-fund version of me.

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  15. Fuck you, you fucking fucker. I ain't no Hot Topic poseur. I had this personality before that ass lick company even existed.

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  16. And speaking of hot topic, nice goth bod.

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  17. Tucker Max is you with a smaller dick, no balls, and no PTSD.

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  18. Thanks again, Blue. Maybe you're on to something.
    LB: Hey, you brought it up.

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  19. Tucker Max is a walking bag of smashed dicks.

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  20. Thanks, LB, but you're still a bitch for the tan remark.

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  21. Yes, I loves me some dirty raccoon, you can gok on me anyday:)

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  22. FF is a master of disguise. Rass, you are a dirty whore after all! Good on ya.

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  23. Don't even get me started on him. He was funny, sure, until he fucked my old roommate.

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  24. Key- The Catholic school girl outfit is hardly a disguise.

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  25. We all know Ghost is an asshole.

    Just today he has essentially called me ugly and told me how stupid I am.

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  26. Oooohhh, damn...that might have come out wrong.

    So I read his book, and think, "Damn, this guy has great comedy coupled with god awful writing," and find out that old roommate knew him in college, and hated him. And then we're at this bar and he's there, being the walking bag of smashed dicks that he is.

    So he makes fun of her for being a hipster, goes on about we would be so much hotter if we were this super asian/Irish half breed with my tits and her legs, and takes her home and she never realizes who he is.

    I called her while she was in the cab and he stole the phone from her and was like, "Stop trying to ruin her fun, you fat bitch. Keep your tits out of this."

    So I started laughing and hung up the phone, because that was hilarious. And then roommate was pissed the next day that I didn't try to stop her.

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  27. Sorry. That was my Tucker Max story.

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  28. Now if only I had a Keywork story...

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  29. BB: I did, didn't I? Huh.
    FF: Oh my.

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  30. Good thing I disliked Kendrick if the fallout is Keywork and his delectable nastiness.

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  31. We´ll have to rely on DPH for the Key stories. I hope you two have loads to moan about on your blogs after that encounter. And you know I don´t mean moan like when the brits say it instead of "bitch".

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  32. I told you your template sucked!

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  33. Yeah, the excommunication from Laurieland followed swiftly. Oh well. And I know all you bitches are looking forward to the blogging aftermath following the meeting of our genitals. Guess you'll just have to wait.

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  34. He'll definitely be moaning after the meeting of our genitals. More of less from the horrid VD I'll be packing, but whatever.

    Hey Ghost, maybe after this weekend your neighbor will refer to you as the 'one who makes bitches moan'. Just sayin.

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  35. Oh and Ghost, the VD she's packing is just my little way of say "thanks for being a dickhead."

    Don't ask how I made that happen, just take your anti-biotics and shut up.

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  36. Bring it, whore. BB: fuck you very much. You stupid ugly child. I'm available for kids birthdays, weddings and other important events that need a good ruining.

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  37. Ghost, you are starting to give me that same ache in my liver that the bitch who wanted to argue about trailer parks in Texas gave me.

    Basically, you make me want to vomit today.

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  38. No, the neighbor will refer to him as "one who makes crazy pirate whores moan and whose dick subsequently falls off after contracting venereal diseases".

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  39. The beta test was successful. Tuesdays are now officially 'Hate on Betsey Booms Tuesdays'.

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  40. Well I officially give up.

    You and your diseased, zombie dick win.

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  41. That's going on a tshirt, Blue.

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  42. that needs to go on your business card.

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  43. Tits, don't let that homo win! Even if he is my whore, keep up the good fight woman!

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  44. He owes it all to me.

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  45. BB's comment belongs on a t-shirt.

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  46. I called it!

    Who wouldn't love it?

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  47. Can you tell from a blog that someone has a huge rack? I mean, other than BB?

    Sometimes I feel like this comment section is one big circle jerk. Key's usually running the activities, or at least, presiding over them like a sort of twisted Ghost of Christmas Present, making sure that we all have good technique and whatnot.

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  48. HAHAHAHAHA.

    Ghost of Christmas Present.

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  49. Circle jerk? Pretty much. I encourage 'show and tell'. Look, someone has to monitor this orgy, some of you might set your parts on fire otherwise.

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  50. I went to therapy for that, Key, I don't do that shit anymore.

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  51. Are you paying over $5 per pack of cigarettes? I buy my cigarettes over at Duty Free Depot and this saves me over 60%.

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Grow a pair.