Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns.

Most of you know I'm a commie pinko liberal chardonnay swilling arugula chomping egghead elitist feminist. That said, I don't agree with all the molly coddling going on these days where points don't matter and we're all winners and everyone gets a trophy for being mediocre and attendance counts for 90% of your grade. Just showing up doesn't cut it.

In the high school of the blog world, Jess is one of the kids sitting in the back row, nodding off during lectures and drawing pictures of boobs. He shows up for class, but makes no effort. He doesn't do homework and scribbles verbal diarrhea on his pop quizzes. And he's not even providing a useful cultural service, like fuck up or class clown or skank or frighteningly scary dude with dead eyes and a collection of serial killer memorabilia.

The template is completely devoid of personality, with baby poop green and short bus yellow accents. The little overeater fat guy in the banner is cute and appropriate, but the rest of the design is bland with text that is entirely too small. I will say that at the very least it's not cluttered. Yet. But the blog is only a couple of months old, so give it time. And as for the name of the blog, Jess, does your problem have a life? Or is life your problem? The apostrophe usage is utterly confusing.

Speaking of syntax errors, this blog is an editor's nightmare, thus it is my nightmare. It's full of random capitalizations, run on sentences (and not the cute kind, like mine), spelling atrocities, and a complete disregard for the difference between your and you're. I am itching to take a red pen to your blog and mark that shit up.

Look, Jess is a nice guy. Seriously. He's a loving son and fiance. His family and friends mean a lot to him. And I gotta give it up to him for losing over 100 lbs. He seems like a genuinely good person. But there's nothing here. He posts frequently enough, but there's no personality, no connection, no insight, and ultimately, I'm sorry to say, no talent for writing. You don't have to be a great writer, or even a good writer, to blog. But if you're not, you better have something to say, even if you can't say it well. You better have a story to tell or a life full of train wrecks or a unique voice or a personality that transcends grammatical snafus or a big dick to take pictures of, because otherwise you're just there, taking up space and wasting time.

Apparently, Jess has gone this route before with us and come out with a shiny new "I fucking love you." I don't know what he did then to garner such an award, but now he's walking away with a bag full of flaming fingers.






Jess, you've got some work to do. Tighten up your writing, refrain from posting about how you're not posting, stop with the asinine jokes reminiscent of Dane Cook on his worst day, and for shit's sake give us a little personality! Right now you're just showing up and expecting credit. Do the work, get involved, lay it out there, tell a story, tell us who you are and why we should care and make it worth our while to read. Otherwise you might as well be posting updates on your MySpace page.

John Bender: [after Claire flips him off] Oh, obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl.

125 comments:

  1. Miss Missives10/15/2008 11:56 AM

    Great analogy Calamity. If he gotten me as a reviewer, I'd have made him stay after class and write, "I will not bore people" and "I will not write unless I have something to say" one-hundred times on the blackboard.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ouch. I'm glad I have a photogenic cock.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Don't lie Ghost, you have a wooden cock.

    ReplyDelete
  4. All I said was 'photogenic'. Bitch.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks for the review. I appreciate you being honest with me and kicking me in the dick.

    I have to believe I needed this in a way.

    Anyone want to create a new template for me?...lol

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'd like to read some of his old stuff, if it's supposed to be so fucking lovely and wonderful. I cannot imagine this guy as a DJ, as of right now.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I can't either. But my imagination is still in the toddler phase.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Can someone tell me what the fuck the first reviewer was on?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Jess, thanks for taking it on the chin.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hey, Problem: why did you delete your old site? I want some credible verification that you're good at this.

    Meaning I want to read it with my own brain.

    ReplyDelete
  11. The now defunct TooBig.com (or whatever) must have been a paragon of blogdom. Or Kitty Kat was hittin' the catnip. And by catnip I mean crack.

    ReplyDelete
  12. To be honest, I feel out of love with it one day, woke up and deleted it. Not saving a single post.

    It's hard to explain, I'll be honestly my grammar has not changed, but I guess I was more controversial back then.

    I got a lot of recognition for pushing the envelope so to speak. I was doing my radio show, was publicly known. People tuned in more. Now I'm just me. And to most people that make me boring.

    I lost friends, pissed friends off, Disappointment of family members.

    I did have stories to tell back then.

    I think now though something tells me to hold them back and I don't know why.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I guess I just can't see you ever going full throttle.

    Don't hold back. What's the point of hiding from friends and family? If you have to hide yourself, they're not that good to you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I mean, if you want to squirrel away stories about your friends and family, that's fine. It's respectful.

    But you shouldn't have to do that with yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I thought the referenced post about the five things your girlfriend should do before you marry her is bunk. Everyone knows you don't get anal without a ring on her finger, uh, unless your gok.

    ReplyDelete
  16. FF, fuck! Where were you with that pearl of fucking wisdom when I started takin it up the ass?

    ReplyDelete
  17. True story. Thanks for the nod, FF.

    ReplyDelete
  18. With gok it's okay, though, because if I'm not mistaken, nothing pleases him more than a thumb up his ass.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Rassles,

    I agree with you. I guess it's hard to explain.

    Here is one reader of my sites opinion

    “This is a very personal site. It almost seems as though you maintain the site for your own use and allow others to visit your emotions when they dare.”

    and to some degree he's right on. I need to break my shell.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Rassles, that's the quickest way on this planet to getting your face broken.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh, DPH, you have to hold out for jewelry on that one. Anal= at least 1 carat.

    ReplyDelete
  22. rassles, when gok's girls do the finger up da bum, they're just making sure he knows their ring size.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Or they're channeling Judith Light.

    ReplyDelete
  24. And when I look longingly into your eyes know that it's probably because I have a credit line at the glass eyeball warehouse.

    ReplyDelete
  25. FF, I couldn't agree more. That stuff costs.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Fuck it. Let's dance whores. Whaddya got?

    ReplyDelete
  27. http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c261/toobigdotnet/pooper.jpg"

    worked for me...LMAO

    ReplyDelete
  28. I got an socketful of dick and a mad case of pink eye.

    Fuck.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Rassles, I hope you got at least 10 carats for that hole.

    ReplyDelete
  30. You know, DPH, I hear glass eyes make excellent anal beads. Teach gok a lesson.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Never thought of that. I was just going to use a police baton or my wooden leg. Imagine the ass splinters from that.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Go ahead, Rass, show everyone all the carrots you got for that hole.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Dph, Colorado is a shitty place to be buried.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I deserve a goddamn diamond garden.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Ghost, so is Allie's huge vagina, but her husband seems to enjoy it.

    ReplyDelete
  36. A diamond garden. I just shivered a little bit.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Dph, unlike a grave, I was under the impression that once in, nothing would ever return from her vagina. Jesus rose again, but he never had to deal with the vortex of decay that is Allie's huge vagina.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Cal: I bet you did. That's a lot of anal.

    ReplyDelete
  39. You Mean I have to buy multiple rings?

    ReplyDelete
  40. Do they make diamond eyeballs?

    ReplyDelete
  41. Oh, do I want a garden or an eyeball? My diamonds are conflicted.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Dude, no, you paid (too much) already. Fuck, I need to start counseling male bloggers.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Rass, they make diamond grills, I would imagine they make diamond eyeballs.

    ReplyDelete
  44. I got it our of a supermarket candy machine. Come on man 25 cents is not that much.

    What ever happened to just telling a woman you loved her.

    I thought that used to get you whatever you wanted, no it all driven by the mighty dollar.

    ReplyDelete
  45. It's also driven by the sparkly.

    ReplyDelete
  46. DPH: You don't think the diamond eye will be tasteless, do you?

    "Hey, what's that glint in your eye?"

    "The blood of the innocent."

    ReplyDelete
  47. Fuck no!

    Everyone deserves to have a little something extra. For me, it's my magical vagina.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Lucky.

    Right now all I got is two turntables and a microphone.

    ReplyDelete
  49. I'm very depressed that I've already undersold my ass to my boyfriend. DAMMIT. Where are you people when I'm making crucial life decisions? Couldn't one of you have posted this information like, 3 weeks ago, when I thought taking the forbidden trail "might be fun"?

    ReplyDelete
  50. I knew there was a reason I was withholding the "booty" from my dear husband! Thanks for the advice, everybody ;) I'm not much of a diamond girl, but I'm sure I can come up with something that would make it worthwhile on my end...

    ReplyDelete
  51. rachie!, you can also negotiate the booty for other high ticket items like vacations and furniture. Like, hey hubs, you know what would go great with this bedroom set? Butt sex.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Nice, FF.

    You could slip him little love notes, too.

    Dear Mr. Me,

    Speaking of unfulfilled fantasies, I've always wanted to take it up the bum on a five-day fjord cruise in Norway. Keep me warm.

    Love,
    Me

    ReplyDelete
  53. What would make it worthwhile on your end? Lube. Lots and lots of lube.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Yeah, if your lady sees anal as leverage, you better have deep pockets. For some reason, some women find this variety of whoring 'acceptable'. Hold on to that ladies, the way things are evolving you won't have this luxury for long.

    ReplyDelete
  55. I'm glad Calamity got my "on my end" joke...
    I like where you're going with this FF and rassles...
    We're already taking a nice trip for 2 weeks in November... what I really want is a canon digital rebel 12 mp camera -
    so maybe
    Dear Mr Me
    In return for my dream camera to shoot our dream vacation, I'll let your shoot something of your dreams in the place formerly referred to as "in your dreams"
    Love
    Me

    ReplyDelete
  56. rachie! that is really funny and you don't think he'd run and get you that camera tonight?

    ReplyDelete
  57. GOK, don't be angry that women don't pay for sex. Or marriage. Why buy the pig when you can get the sausage for free was what I've always said.

    ReplyDelete
  58. Oh I'm not mad at all, I applaud your efforts. What you do with pigs is your business, not mine. I'm just sharing facts. If it weren't for my job, said leverage wouldn't exist. I'd be paid to give seminars on this shit. Every minute a new batch of payforanal suckers are born.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Yeah, why pay for anal when rape is free?

    ReplyDelete
  60. Not my point, Rass, but I like the way you think.

    ReplyDelete
  61. Your job and those cute little ankle bracelets are keeping you from giving seminars.
    DPH, I might need some buttsex advice. I think my hubby just agreed to give me a camera.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Actually, the monitor that had me geographically frustrated was removed a month ago.

    ReplyDelete
  63. damn. I hate when I incorrectly accuse someone of being limited due to their ankle bracelets. I might be able to set you up with a seminar down here. No, not that "down here", I don't want to fight DPH - I think she'd kick my ass.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Common mistake. I guess I could do my part and engage in more 'legal' activities. Yeah, my famous 'down here' seminars got shelved a few months ago.

    ReplyDelete
  65. Key, you're such a fucking pimp today.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Thanks Rass. It was all the talk of breaking faces and glass eyeballs that gave me away, wasn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  67. We need to get you cane. With a diamond handle.

    ReplyDelete
  68. "we need to get you cane"

    add an "a" in there. Before cane.

    ReplyDelete
  69. rachie, I'm pretty sure DPH could kick the ass of just about anyone.

    Prolly not Obama. He's lean, but he's wiry.

    ReplyDelete
  70. I have a hard time beating up the handicapped, so I'd probably just take the ass-whooping from DPH.

    ReplyDelete
  71. Yes, I understood. I prefer to use a pipewrench. See if you can find one of those with a hooker eye stuck to it.

    ReplyDelete
  72. Mentally or physically handicapped? Or both?

    ReplyDelete
  73. I don't like to beat up people who are mentally or physically handicapped.
    As for where DPH falls in, I'll let you be the judge. She does have a wooden leg. She also uses body wash for lotion.

    ReplyDelete
  74. Look, I don't 'like' to either, but when you've got a one legged mute that's into you for eighty bucks, business is fucking business.

    ReplyDelete
  75. Sound slike DPH isn't the only hooker. "into you" for 80 bucks?

    ReplyDelete
  76. No that would be 'in' me. I went old school for a second. Here: owes me 80 dollars.

    ReplyDelete
  77. Fuck, I go into a conference call and I miss all the good shit.

    Rachie, fuck you for the lotion comment. I will give you bad advice about anal for that. Whore.

    Rass, I could fuck Obama up just by looking at his dumbo looking ass.

    ReplyDelete
  78. Here's some bad anal advice: Body wash works just fine as lube. Basically the same, really. Very, very slippery.

    ReplyDelete
  79. I'm guessing you won't be falling for that again, LB.

    ReplyDelete
  80. I apologize, DPH. I only make fun because I've done it myself!

    ReplyDelete
  81. What the?

    Anyway, I was just curious about the old site:

    http://web.archive.org/web/*/http://toobig.net

    http://web.archive.org/web/20070715021453/http://www.toobig.net/

    I feel bad, now that I know he's a Daniel Johnston fan.

    ReplyDelete
  82. Now, I fucking LOVE Daniel Johnston. Still apathetic towards Jess, though. Bummer.

    ReplyDelete
  83. I enjoyed the comments much more than the review.

    I can't find the blog you reviewed so what is the fun of this??!! Now all that is left are the flaming fingers and the comments. How sad.

    ReplyDelete
  84. Dear Anonymous:

    There are at least 10 links to the blog that was reviewed IN THE REVIEW. Hope that helps.

    ReplyDelete
  85. I remember watching "his" radio show. I also remember the other person on it with him, Dave, who spent hours working on the website for the radio show and getting NO credit because someone was too busy talking about what a big deal HIS radio show is. I believe someone else has a large amount of credit owed to them when discussing "his" radio show.

    ReplyDelete
  86. If you're talking about my cousin Dave, I've never once taken away any credit that he deserves. We both put a lot of hours into that radio show. He knows this. It wore us both out.

    The radio show was just as much his as it was mine.

    So I have no idea what you're getting at with the above comment.

    ReplyDelete
  87. oh and for the record Katie Pushed Play, Ask Dave and He'll tell ya that we both worked on that website together. (knockoutradio)

    ReplyDelete
  88. If anonymous can't find the blog I reviewed, s/he's got double diamond eyeballs from all the socket fucking.

    ReplyDelete
  89. Methinks Katie has a personal axe to grind here.

    Myproblems, it appears you've hit a new level of blogger celebrity: You have stalkers.

    ReplyDelete
  90. I'm easy to find.

    I guess people like to cause trouble with me because I'm an easy target.

    No biggie, I see Dirty decided to post one of my blogs on her site. I'm confused by this, but at least I have people out there that think about me

    I really though I'd get reviewed and then forgotten about

    but unless you all kick me out then I'll stick around

    ReplyDelete
  91. We don't kick people out. We spank them until they run away on their own. Mostly they cry. Sometimes they take down their sites. A few have been shuffled off to institutions where they spend their days rocking in corners muttering about minions from hell.

    Renfield might have been one of our reviewees.

    ReplyDelete
  92. You didn't run away crying, so that's an improvement over the norm.

    ReplyDelete
  93. Nope I'm good, if you honestly want me gone just tell me, I'll leave. I was over here before just never opened my mouth, maybe I should have might have been able to build a rapport with you all, but I hardly doubt that would have really happened.

    I don't blame you all though, you do what is asked and that's to review peoples bogs. If I could handle people calling me fatty or could take honest criticism then I wouldn't have a blog in the first place.

    But leaving because people call me fatty or any childish insults would not be a reason for me leaving.

    there was two things in the review that I was very impressed with, one you used my Name and my real name a lot of other sites liek these would not have done that, I appreciated that, And 2 even though my blog was not a blog that you liked nor would prob visit on a daily basis you were able to see what type of person I was and were my time was devoted in my posts.

    That's all I really needed, because if you see that then most other intelligent readers not looking for something just to bash me on will see too.

    ReplyDelete
  94. I don't believe we've ever chased anyone away from here.

    ReplyDelete
  95. Some people can hang, others self segregate from us.

    ReplyDelete
  96. People getting 'ran off'? With all the sunshine around here I would imagine people would be flocking to this place I record numbers. Maybe my view of reality is slightly distorted.

    ReplyDelete
  97. I don't believe we've ever chased anyone away from here

    Speaking of which, does anyone know what happened to Gorgeous George?

    ReplyDelete
  98. Why should you leave? Don't leave. You didn't act like a pissy little bitch and that's yet another thing to respect you for.

    ReplyDelete
  99. George pops up occasionally, but elicits very little attention these days.

    ReplyDelete
  100. I actually think he IS acting like a little bitch.

    "oh, is it okay if I hang out with you guys? If not that's cool, I'll just go over there. I know you don't like me because I'm fat."

    All that lack of self-assurance? He thinks people are actually making fun of fat people? Half of the people here are overweight.

    If he complained about being skinny, then he's an anorexic little bastard who should hang out at slaughterhouses and beg for scraps. If he says he loves his reptile pets, he's a turtle fucker. If his favorite movie is Brian's Song, then he's got a hard on for James Caan. And cancer.

    Problem: if you want to stay, then do so. Don't let anyone push you around.

    It's the fucking internet, man.

    ReplyDelete
  101. I'm not crying or acting like a little bitch, I was just saying that if you don't want me here then fine I'll leave. This has nothing to do with my weight.

    As for the cancer comments, please refrain from making them, if you did take the time to read my blog you would see that I lost my father to a 13 month battle with cancer. I don't care how you were trying to use it in your comment but it wasn't appreciated.

    The difference is I don't come on here beating anyone up or making fun of them.

    But please and this goes out to everyone else, talk about how fat I am all you want but please keep any cancer comments to your self.

    I can handle me getting beat up but when it comes to that topic it's just to much. I would hope you would all show some class and respect that.

    ReplyDelete
  102. Yes, yes you are acting like a little bitch. And don't play the fucking cancer card, there's no way in hell she meant it like that. Look, we don't know you. Most of us didn't read all of your posts. Because they are fucking verbal Lunesta. Sorry for your loss, but none of us were there. Look, I laugh at the disfigured but there's nothing funny about losing your father. Sorry for your loss, but nobody here was trying to take shots at that aspect of your suffering. Chin up, fatty.

    ReplyDelete
  103. If you had made that "Chins up, fatty" I would have offered to blow you.

    ReplyDelete
  104. Well, to be fair, he lost some weight and I didn't know if it was in the face. Never know.

    ReplyDelete
  105. regardless, that's my point.

    You don't know, me and you prob didn't read my posts. so then maybe you shouldn't comment about me at all.

    ReplyDelete
  106. Stow your rolls, playa. As someone that has been reviewed twice, you should be familiar with the fine print found on the Submission Agreement. You (or someone else) knew the consequences of submitting. Maybe you should go read over the agreement again, Slim.

    ReplyDelete
  107. Problems, what I meant was: Whatever you go on about is what we will mock you for. That's how it works. I'm sorry about your father. When I was fourteen, I lost my best friend to leukemia. Obviously, I deal differently.

    But you're right, I don't know you. None of us do.

    If you want no feedback, and no one to comment about you, then why do you keep asking if you can stay?

    ReplyDelete
  108. I guess by getting reviewed I would have thought the comments would have been Helpful not an attack on me. It like you all get your jolly's by bashing the people who submit their site for reviews on this page. What does that say about you.

    I felt like bad review and nothing but poor class and attack at me not my blog but at me was a sign of leave or your just gonna get more of this treatment.

    I wasn't asking for permission from anyone.

    the fact is besides knowing that I'm fat obese etc, your just creaming at the chance to bash me for what I'll say next instead of possibly finding out who I really am.

    I only say that because once again I don't come on here saying anything bad about anyone. It's not who I am.

    ReplyDelete
  109. It's bonding through creative mockery, and not taking anything too seriously. We make fun of each other, and ourselves, just as much if not more. Conflict is fun.

    ReplyDelete
  110. So I have to stoop to all of your levels and bash you back to gain your respect. It's not me I wouldn't know what to do.

    ReplyDelete
  111. Xbox, you're funny.

    Problems, take it easy with the stooping. It'll take hundreds of us to pull you back up.

    ReplyDelete
  112. Problems, you're in over your head. Way, way over your head.

    No one has it out for you, and although vile and barbed, most of the slings and arrows shot around here are an exercise in verbal sparring. We pick and tease and hit below the belt and jerk each other off and one up each other for shits and giggles.

    You have to have a ready wit, thick skin, and a really disgusting mind to get along over here.

    Bashing what you say next is part of the fun. The point is, can you bash yourself before we can. Point and counterpoint. Feint and parry.

    See? I told you you were in over your head.

    But stay. No one's telling you to go. But if you get your feelings hurt, if someone steps over the line, don't go crying foul. Because there really are no lines.

    ReplyDelete
  113. no that's cool, I guess I just have to come to terms that I'm a fat douche bag that needs to find his game again in the world of blogging, get a spell checker and probably hire a proofreader?

    I guess I walked passed a mirror this morning

    ReplyDelete
  114. Oh, good grief. Stop acting like a whiny little bitch face, Problems. We don't delete posts here, and we roll with things. If you want to comment here, comment here. But nothing is off limits here, not even cancer. There is plenty of trash-talking here, but also some genuine affection.

    You're starting to sound like a Clash song. If you go there will be trouble, if you stay it will be double... No one is singling you out for a hard time, everyone has fun here, if you define fun as throwing monkey poo and seeing if any of it sticks.

    it's a good time, you're welcome to stay, or go, as you like.

    ReplyDelete
  115. Why is Problems getting so much of rope anyway? If anyone else were this whiny, you guys would have been on him like priests on a five-year old boy.

    Is he Jesus? Are you being fearful?

    ReplyDelete
  116. I didn't say that anything needed to be deleted. As far as Cancer goes, I won't stand for it, if it's related to me or my father and call me a whiny bitch for that than fine so be it. It's just still pretty fresh for me and when she wrote that it hit a little hard for me, she explained herself and it's all good. I'm staying. I've made a nice little indent in that spot right over there with my large ass and I'll have some fun with you all.

    Have a great weekend

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.