Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns.

Most of you know I'm a commie pinko liberal chardonnay swilling arugula chomping egghead elitist feminist. That said, I don't agree with all the molly coddling going on these days where points don't matter and we're all winners and everyone gets a trophy for being mediocre and attendance counts for 90% of your grade. Just showing up doesn't cut it.

In the high school of the blog world, Jess is one of the kids sitting in the back row, nodding off during lectures and drawing pictures of boobs. He shows up for class, but makes no effort. He doesn't do homework and scribbles verbal diarrhea on his pop quizzes. And he's not even providing a useful cultural service, like fuck up or class clown or skank or frighteningly scary dude with dead eyes and a collection of serial killer memorabilia.

The template is completely devoid of personality, with baby poop green and short bus yellow accents. The little overeater fat guy in the banner is cute and appropriate, but the rest of the design is bland with text that is entirely too small. I will say that at the very least it's not cluttered. Yet. But the blog is only a couple of months old, so give it time. And as for the name of the blog, Jess, does your problem have a life? Or is life your problem? The apostrophe usage is utterly confusing.

Speaking of syntax errors, this blog is an editor's nightmare, thus it is my nightmare. It's full of random capitalizations, run on sentences (and not the cute kind, like mine), spelling atrocities, and a complete disregard for the difference between your and you're. I am itching to take a red pen to your blog and mark that shit up.

Look, Jess is a nice guy. Seriously. He's a loving son and fiance. His family and friends mean a lot to him. And I gotta give it up to him for losing over 100 lbs. He seems like a genuinely good person. But there's nothing here. He posts frequently enough, but there's no personality, no connection, no insight, and ultimately, I'm sorry to say, no talent for writing. You don't have to be a great writer, or even a good writer, to blog. But if you're not, you better have something to say, even if you can't say it well. You better have a story to tell or a life full of train wrecks or a unique voice or a personality that transcends grammatical snafus or a big dick to take pictures of, because otherwise you're just there, taking up space and wasting time.

Apparently, Jess has gone this route before with us and come out with a shiny new "I fucking love you." I don't know what he did then to garner such an award, but now he's walking away with a bag full of flaming fingers.






Jess, you've got some work to do. Tighten up your writing, refrain from posting about how you're not posting, stop with the asinine jokes reminiscent of Dane Cook on his worst day, and for shit's sake give us a little personality! Right now you're just showing up and expecting credit. Do the work, get involved, lay it out there, tell a story, tell us who you are and why we should care and make it worth our while to read. Otherwise you might as well be posting updates on your MySpace page.

John Bender: [after Claire flips him off] Oh, obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl.

103 comments:

  1. Great analogy Calamity. If he gotten me as a reviewer, I'd have made him stay after class and write, "I will not bore people" and "I will not write unless I have something to say" one-hundred times on the blackboard.

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  2. I'd like to read some of his old stuff, if it's supposed to be so fucking lovely and wonderful. I cannot imagine this guy as a DJ, as of right now.

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  3. I can't either. But my imagination is still in the toddler phase.

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  4. Can someone tell me what the fuck the first reviewer was on?

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  5. Jess, thanks for taking it on the chin.

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  6. Hey, Problem: why did you delete your old site? I want some credible verification that you're good at this.

    Meaning I want to read it with my own brain.

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  7. The now defunct TooBig.com (or whatever) must have been a paragon of blogdom. Or Kitty Kat was hittin' the catnip. And by catnip I mean crack.

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  8. To be honest, I feel out of love with it one day, woke up and deleted it. Not saving a single post.

    It's hard to explain, I'll be honestly my grammar has not changed, but I guess I was more controversial back then.

    I got a lot of recognition for pushing the envelope so to speak. I was doing my radio show, was publicly known. People tuned in more. Now I'm just me. And to most people that make me boring.

    I lost friends, pissed friends off, Disappointment of family members.

    I did have stories to tell back then.

    I think now though something tells me to hold them back and I don't know why.

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  9. I guess I just can't see you ever going full throttle.

    Don't hold back. What's the point of hiding from friends and family? If you have to hide yourself, they're not that good to you.

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  10. I mean, if you want to squirrel away stories about your friends and family, that's fine. It's respectful.

    But you shouldn't have to do that with yourself.

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  11. I thought the referenced post about the five things your girlfriend should do before you marry her is bunk. Everyone knows you don't get anal without a ring on her finger, uh, unless your gok.

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  12. True story. Thanks for the nod, FF.

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  13. Rassles,

    I agree with you. I guess it's hard to explain.

    Here is one reader of my sites opinion

    “This is a very personal site. It almost seems as though you maintain the site for your own use and allow others to visit your emotions when they dare.”

    and to some degree he's right on. I need to break my shell.

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  14. Rassles, that's the quickest way on this planet to getting your face broken.

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  15. Oh, DPH, you have to hold out for jewelry on that one. Anal= at least 1 carat.

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  16. rassles, when gok's girls do the finger up da bum, they're just making sure he knows their ring size.

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  17. Or they're channeling Judith Light.

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  18. And when I look longingly into your eyes know that it's probably because I have a credit line at the glass eyeball warehouse.

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  19. FF, I couldn't agree more. That stuff costs.

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  20. http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c261/toobigdotnet/pooper.jpg"

    worked for me...LMAO

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  21. Rassles, I hope you got at least 10 carats for that hole.

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  22. Rass, I intend to this weekend.

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  23. Never thought of that. I was just going to use a police baton or my wooden leg. Imagine the ass splinters from that.

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  24. Go ahead, Rass, show everyone all the carrots you got for that hole.

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  25. Dph, Colorado is a shitty place to be buried.

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  26. I deserve a goddamn diamond garden.

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  27. A diamond garden. I just shivered a little bit.

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  28. Dph, unlike a grave, I was under the impression that once in, nothing would ever return from her vagina. Jesus rose again, but he never had to deal with the vortex of decay that is Allie's huge vagina.

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  29. You Mean I have to buy multiple rings?

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  30. Do they make diamond eyeballs?

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  31. Oh, do I want a garden or an eyeball? My diamonds are conflicted.

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  32. Rass, they make diamond grills, I would imagine they make diamond eyeballs.

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  33. I got it our of a supermarket candy machine. Come on man 25 cents is not that much.

    What ever happened to just telling a woman you loved her.

    I thought that used to get you whatever you wanted, no it all driven by the mighty dollar.

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  34. It's also driven by the sparkly.

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  35. DPH: You don't think the diamond eye will be tasteless, do you?

    "Hey, what's that glint in your eye?"

    "The blood of the innocent."

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  36. Lucky.

    Right now all I got is two turntables and a microphone.

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  37. I'm very depressed that I've already undersold my ass to my boyfriend. DAMMIT. Where are you people when I'm making crucial life decisions? Couldn't one of you have posted this information like, 3 weeks ago, when I thought taking the forbidden trail "might be fun"?

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  38. I knew there was a reason I was withholding the "booty" from my dear husband! Thanks for the advice, everybody ;) I'm not much of a diamond girl, but I'm sure I can come up with something that would make it worthwhile on my end...

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  39. rachie!, you can also negotiate the booty for other high ticket items like vacations and furniture. Like, hey hubs, you know what would go great with this bedroom set? Butt sex.

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  40. Nice, FF.

    You could slip him little love notes, too.

    Dear Mr. Me,

    Speaking of unfulfilled fantasies, I've always wanted to take it up the bum on a five-day fjord cruise in Norway. Keep me warm.

    Love,
    Me

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  41. What would make it worthwhile on your end? Lube. Lots and lots of lube.

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  42. Yeah, if your lady sees anal as leverage, you better have deep pockets. For some reason, some women find this variety of whoring 'acceptable'. Hold on to that ladies, the way things are evolving you won't have this luxury for long.

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  43. I'm glad Calamity got my "on my end" joke...
    I like where you're going with this FF and rassles...
    We're already taking a nice trip for 2 weeks in November... what I really want is a canon digital rebel 12 mp camera -
    so maybe
    Dear Mr Me
    In return for my dream camera to shoot our dream vacation, I'll let your shoot something of your dreams in the place formerly referred to as "in your dreams"
    Love
    Me

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  44. rachie! that is really funny and you don't think he'd run and get you that camera tonight?

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  45. GOK, don't be angry that women don't pay for sex. Or marriage. Why buy the pig when you can get the sausage for free was what I've always said.

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  46. Oh I'm not mad at all, I applaud your efforts. What you do with pigs is your business, not mine. I'm just sharing facts. If it weren't for my job, said leverage wouldn't exist. I'd be paid to give seminars on this shit. Every minute a new batch of payforanal suckers are born.

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  47. Yeah, why pay for anal when rape is free?

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  48. Not my point, Rass, but I like the way you think.

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  49. Your job and those cute little ankle bracelets are keeping you from giving seminars.
    DPH, I might need some buttsex advice. I think my hubby just agreed to give me a camera.

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  50. Actually, the monitor that had me geographically frustrated was removed a month ago.

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  51. Common mistake. I guess I could do my part and engage in more 'legal' activities. Yeah, my famous 'down here' seminars got shelved a few months ago.

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  52. Thanks Rass. It was all the talk of breaking faces and glass eyeballs that gave me away, wasn't it?

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  53. We need to get you cane. With a diamond handle.

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  54. "we need to get you cane"

    add an "a" in there. Before cane.

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  55. rachie, I'm pretty sure DPH could kick the ass of just about anyone.

    Prolly not Obama. He's lean, but he's wiry.

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  56. I have a hard time beating up the handicapped, so I'd probably just take the ass-whooping from DPH.

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  57. Yes, I understood. I prefer to use a pipewrench. See if you can find one of those with a hooker eye stuck to it.

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  58. Mentally or physically handicapped? Or both?

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  59. I don't like to beat up people who are mentally or physically handicapped.
    As for where DPH falls in, I'll let you be the judge. She does have a wooden leg. She also uses body wash for lotion.

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  60. Look, I don't 'like' to either, but when you've got a one legged mute that's into you for eighty bucks, business is fucking business.

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  61. Sound slike DPH isn't the only hooker. "into you" for 80 bucks?

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  62. No that would be 'in' me. I went old school for a second. Here: owes me 80 dollars.

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  63. Here's some bad anal advice: Body wash works just fine as lube. Basically the same, really. Very, very slippery.

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  64. I'm guessing you won't be falling for that again, LB.

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  65. I apologize, DPH. I only make fun because I've done it myself!

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  66. What the?

    Anyway, I was just curious about the old site:

    http://web.archive.org/web/*/http://toobig.net

    http://web.archive.org/web/20070715021453/http://www.toobig.net/

    I feel bad, now that I know he's a Daniel Johnston fan.

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  67. Now, I fucking LOVE Daniel Johnston. Still apathetic towards Jess, though. Bummer.

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  68. I enjoyed the comments much more than the review.

    I can't find the blog you reviewed so what is the fun of this??!! Now all that is left are the flaming fingers and the comments. How sad.

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  69. It is what it is I guess.

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  70. Dear Anonymous:

    There are at least 10 links to the blog that was reviewed IN THE REVIEW. Hope that helps.

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  71. I remember watching "his" radio show. I also remember the other person on it with him, Dave, who spent hours working on the website for the radio show and getting NO credit because someone was too busy talking about what a big deal HIS radio show is. I believe someone else has a large amount of credit owed to them when discussing "his" radio show.

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  72. If you're talking about my cousin Dave, I've never once taken away any credit that he deserves. We both put a lot of hours into that radio show. He knows this. It wore us both out.

    The radio show was just as much his as it was mine.

    So I have no idea what you're getting at with the above comment.

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  73. oh and for the record Katie Pushed Play, Ask Dave and He'll tell ya that we both worked on that website together. (knockoutradio)

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  74. Methinks Katie has a personal axe to grind here.

    Myproblems, it appears you've hit a new level of blogger celebrity: You have stalkers.

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  75. I'm easy to find.

    I guess people like to cause trouble with me because I'm an easy target.

    No biggie, I see Dirty decided to post one of my blogs on her site. I'm confused by this, but at least I have people out there that think about me

    I really though I'd get reviewed and then forgotten about

    but unless you all kick me out then I'll stick around

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  76. We don't kick people out. We spank them until they run away on their own. Mostly they cry. Sometimes they take down their sites. A few have been shuffled off to institutions where they spend their days rocking in corners muttering about minions from hell.

    Renfield might have been one of our reviewees.

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  77. You didn't run away crying, so that's an improvement over the norm.

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  78. Nope I'm good, if you honestly want me gone just tell me, I'll leave. I was over here before just never opened my mouth, maybe I should have might have been able to build a rapport with you all, but I hardly doubt that would have really happened.

    I don't blame you all though, you do what is asked and that's to review peoples bogs. If I could handle people calling me fatty or could take honest criticism then I wouldn't have a blog in the first place.

    But leaving because people call me fatty or any childish insults would not be a reason for me leaving.

    there was two things in the review that I was very impressed with, one you used my Name and my real name a lot of other sites liek these would not have done that, I appreciated that, And 2 even though my blog was not a blog that you liked nor would prob visit on a daily basis you were able to see what type of person I was and were my time was devoted in my posts.

    That's all I really needed, because if you see that then most other intelligent readers not looking for something just to bash me on will see too.

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  79. I don't believe we've ever chased anyone away from here.

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  80. Some people can hang, others self segregate from us.

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  81. People getting 'ran off'? With all the sunshine around here I would imagine people would be flocking to this place I record numbers. Maybe my view of reality is slightly distorted.

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  82. I don't believe we've ever chased anyone away from here

    Speaking of which, does anyone know what happened to Gorgeous George?

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  83. George pops up occasionally, but elicits very little attention these days.

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  84. I'm not crying or acting like a little bitch, I was just saying that if you don't want me here then fine I'll leave. This has nothing to do with my weight.

    As for the cancer comments, please refrain from making them, if you did take the time to read my blog you would see that I lost my father to a 13 month battle with cancer. I don't care how you were trying to use it in your comment but it wasn't appreciated.

    The difference is I don't come on here beating anyone up or making fun of them.

    But please and this goes out to everyone else, talk about how fat I am all you want but please keep any cancer comments to your self.

    I can handle me getting beat up but when it comes to that topic it's just to much. I would hope you would all show some class and respect that.

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  85. If you had made that "Chins up, fatty" I would have offered to blow you.

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  86. Well, to be fair, he lost some weight and I didn't know if it was in the face. Never know.

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  87. regardless, that's my point.

    You don't know, me and you prob didn't read my posts. so then maybe you shouldn't comment about me at all.

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  88. Stow your rolls, playa. As someone that has been reviewed twice, you should be familiar with the fine print found on the Submission Agreement. You (or someone else) knew the consequences of submitting. Maybe you should go read over the agreement again, Slim.

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  89. Problems, what I meant was: Whatever you go on about is what we will mock you for. That's how it works. I'm sorry about your father. When I was fourteen, I lost my best friend to leukemia. Obviously, I deal differently.

    But you're right, I don't know you. None of us do.

    If you want no feedback, and no one to comment about you, then why do you keep asking if you can stay?

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  90. I guess by getting reviewed I would have thought the comments would have been Helpful not an attack on me. It like you all get your jolly's by bashing the people who submit their site for reviews on this page. What does that say about you.

    I felt like bad review and nothing but poor class and attack at me not my blog but at me was a sign of leave or your just gonna get more of this treatment.

    I wasn't asking for permission from anyone.

    the fact is besides knowing that I'm fat obese etc, your just creaming at the chance to bash me for what I'll say next instead of possibly finding out who I really am.

    I only say that because once again I don't come on here saying anything bad about anyone. It's not who I am.

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  91. It's bonding through creative mockery, and not taking anything too seriously. We make fun of each other, and ourselves, just as much if not more. Conflict is fun.

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  92. So I have to stoop to all of your levels and bash you back to gain your respect. It's not me I wouldn't know what to do.

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  93. Xbox, you're funny.

    Problems, take it easy with the stooping. It'll take hundreds of us to pull you back up.

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  94. Problems, you're in over your head. Way, way over your head.

    No one has it out for you, and although vile and barbed, most of the slings and arrows shot around here are an exercise in verbal sparring. We pick and tease and hit below the belt and jerk each other off and one up each other for shits and giggles.

    You have to have a ready wit, thick skin, and a really disgusting mind to get along over here.

    Bashing what you say next is part of the fun. The point is, can you bash yourself before we can. Point and counterpoint. Feint and parry.

    See? I told you you were in over your head.

    But stay. No one's telling you to go. But if you get your feelings hurt, if someone steps over the line, don't go crying foul. Because there really are no lines.

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  95. no that's cool, I guess I just have to come to terms that I'm a fat douche bag that needs to find his game again in the world of blogging, get a spell checker and probably hire a proofreader?

    I guess I walked passed a mirror this morning

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  96. Oh, good grief. Stop acting like a whiny little bitch face, Problems. We don't delete posts here, and we roll with things. If you want to comment here, comment here. But nothing is off limits here, not even cancer. There is plenty of trash-talking here, but also some genuine affection.

    You're starting to sound like a Clash song. If you go there will be trouble, if you stay it will be double... No one is singling you out for a hard time, everyone has fun here, if you define fun as throwing monkey poo and seeing if any of it sticks.

    it's a good time, you're welcome to stay, or go, as you like.

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  97. Why is Problems getting so much of rope anyway? If anyone else were this whiny, you guys would have been on him like priests on a five-year old boy.

    Is he Jesus? Are you being fearful?

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  98. I didn't say that anything needed to be deleted. As far as Cancer goes, I won't stand for it, if it's related to me or my father and call me a whiny bitch for that than fine so be it. It's just still pretty fresh for me and when she wrote that it hit a little hard for me, she explained herself and it's all good. I'm staying. I've made a nice little indent in that spot right over there with my large ass and I'll have some fun with you all.

    Have a great weekend

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Grow a pair.