Thursday, April 17, 2008

All Apologies

And it isn't just a kick ass song from Nirvana, either. I speculated (wildly and irresponsibly) that anonymous was in fact Laurie Kendrick HERSELF. Turns out that I was mistaken. However, one of Laurie's readers has reviewed us. I'd love to hear what you think of his review. Quite hilariously, we've been linked to the downfall of the west at the hands of the liberal elite. Given my longterm Republican voting history and overall conservative/libertarian political views (YES, I SAID IT!), I find that fucking hilarious. Anyway...

Dear Laurie: My bad. I hear you were quite gracious by e-mail about your review (even though you were a bit of a cry-baby on your blog) so kudos to you, and smacks to me. Never let it be said that I don't take my spankings with a smile. Or,that I can't take it as well as I dish it out. Or, something similarly perverse.


  1. This is all very touching. Where, I'm not really sure. I quit visiting blogs that are aesthetically pleasing, mostly because I find that they are generally lacking in the um, well, smarts. I like red.

  2. This is all very touching. Where, I'm not really sure

    Hopefully, someplace dirty. We're freaks like that.

  3. I'm all for blaming everything short of cancer on this Nigel fool, but I don't think he's anonymous.

    I think he's a tool.

    But he's a self-promoting tool. It doesn't fit.

    ~ Driz

  4. Nigel, although he is a British metrosexual DB with bad teeth who fancies himself a bit of a man about the blogosphere, isn't anonymous. Or so he says.

    I should probably look at our sitemeter and investigate more, but frankly, I don't care enough.

    I am enjoying the drama, though. ;)

  5. I get that. Drizitche, I will tell you that any tool worth having pretty much sells itself. If it doesn't fit, maybe you're trying to put it in the wrong place.

  6. Oh! Dude! I get it. Nigel is one of those "as seen on TV" tools. ;)

  7. And, as much as I'm enjoying the drama, I'm pretty sure Nigel is enjoying the traffic to his pale blue blog o' wonder. ;)

  8. Thanks for giving Laurie her well-deserved apology. I'll be noting this on my pile of poop blog.

    And Love, you SHOULD always check your sitemeter before making such an accusation...especially where calling someone a coward comes into play. I don't know if you did it or another commenter, but allowing that to go forth was unfair. My silly "review" would never have gone up had you all not piled on Laurie like that.

    For the record, I am not "Anonymous". I am not a paid writer with a "successful" blog. A simple check of my IP address against "anonymous" will confirm that.

    Driz...were I "self-promoting", wouldn't I have come over here to comment in the first place? If anything, I am actually self-deprecating...but unless you had an hour or so to waste to read my crap you might not know that.

    But I am a tool. You got that pegged...

    And Love...not British...teeth are great. I aspire to beats the crap out of asexualism...

    From here on out, no hard feelings. At least on my side.

  9. Everyone is someone's tool.

  10. Nigel, Dahling:

    (Whyever do I want to write your name like that?)

    No hard feelings from me, EVER. We do this for fun, Dude. Fer realz. I'm a 42-year-old mom. For the most part, people seem to know what they've signed up for, and to take it in good spirits and with good humor. Hence our FAQ.

    This is all about amusing ourselves on slow/boring days. That's all.

    Keywork: Good point. I hope to be my boyfriend's "tool" this evening. I don't think he'd mind me saying that. ;)

  11. p.s. if you have any special connections to "Anon," please tell him to come back and play. Our reaaders seemed to enjoy him. I know I did. I'm never happy unless, as a rabid feminazi, I can emasculate at least one male per day.


  12. Ahem.

    You were a self-promoting tool on Laurie's site. I saw it. Na-na-na-na-boo-boo.

    And self-deprecating? My balls. Please, you're woefully underqualified - let me deprecate you instead.

    ~ Driz

  13. I guess it really depends on what kind of a tool you want to be. I'm a velvet hammer.

  14. Well, as a girl who loves her tools (and who has her own toolchest full of them), I'm thinking I'll be a socket wrench tonight.

  15. That means you have to make the clicking noise. Too much effort.

  16. And self-deprecating? My balls. Please, you're woefully underqualified - let me deprecate you instead.

    I love this quote. It sounds like something Churchill would have said.

    Key: I LOVE the clicking noise. LOVE it. Yes, in real life, I am a huge dork.

  17. Biter, leave the commie liberal tree-hugging feminazi elitist stuff to me, the "nice one." ;)

    Also, I keep thinking that says "self-defecating," which is funnier.

  18. I haven't self-defecated in a while, not since I made that last batch of curry.

    I prefer the term "shart" though. That's how I generally self-defecate.

  19. Well, you would have to. While I love nailing things, I also enjoy crushing a few fingers every now and again. Hence, the hammer. My elife and real life have merged so unfortunately, I'm me, everywhere I go.

  20. Ah, the dorkness. Yes, it seems to come through quite clearly in a digital sense, as well.

  21. For me, I mean. Bah. Stupid blogger commenty mechanism.

  22. Uh oh...Keywork I think you've found another playmate. Careful "Love", Key can get pretty...uh...colorful.

    Pale blue blog 'o wonder? Now that's funny,. I'm stealing that you full credit of course.


    I don't know how I am self-promoting on Laurie's site, but you can enlighten me if you like. Or not. I usually do my self-promoting over at Ace of Spades HQ.

    I'm glad this turned out with no hard feelings.

  23. Oh, for clarity: unfortunately for OTHERS, I am always me in both worlds. And yes, colorful is a compliment I will accept.

  24. I can always use another playmate. Especially a younger man who thinks I've purchased my personality at hot topic. ;)

    I do love that store, btw. Of course, I was wearing goth when goth was hopelessly uncool and the pretty kids beat us up.

    How are you on spankings, Key?

  25. Nigel:

    You have no idea how funny we can really be. Stick around. You seem subversive enough to like it here. ;)

  26. Thank you, Love Bites. Apology accepted.

    But one exception: Cry Baby? Nah, I was defending myself. My e-mail was littered with quotes from you guys that were oh, let's say less than complimentary. Do you think for one minute I was going to sit back and tolerate a prison rape without at least a little dab of Anal-Ease??

    Understand the position you put me in: you were relentlessly convinced I was "Anonymous" and well, frankly, I was convinced you were Satan's spawn.

    Cooler heads prevail.

    And let's be honest, we both profiteered from this exchange. You and your readers now have "Anonymous" to loathe, and I got a tremendous number of new readers who are coming back. Thank you for sending me traffic.

    So, let's consider doing this again.

    Hey..I got it!!! Maybe I'll start up a "Mommie Blog". That should keep the hatred flowing for weeks.

    We could even sell advertising!

    Thanks again,

  27. Oh, let me be clear. I don't hate Anon. I FUCKING LOVE anon. Please, send him back to comment, regularly. We have great fun with his ilk. This blog would be totally boring without them.

    Much love, dear.

  28. I give them out frequently. The spankings. Oh, the store. I don't know, you could have bought it somewhere else, the stitching looked familiar though. I miss the DIY aspect of the pre-HT days. I was the only mohican at my high school. But I was on the basketball team, so I missed out on the beatings. But with great hair comes great responsibility. So while I missed out on the beatings, I also passed on doing the beating.

  29. I miss the days when punk/goth intersected on a much friendlier level. Those days fucking kicked ass.

    And, the days of shopping for goth gear at Goodwill. I swear, kids these days. Fucking poseurs.

    But with great hair comes great responsibility

    Dude...the truth of that statement. I bow before your greatness. I say that to Cal, who has REALLY GREAT HAIR, almost daily.

    God missed me when he was giving out the good hair, but thank baby Jesus that I got the Hooters titties.

  30. Damn, I'm late to this party. Fucking real job interfering with my time on my favorite website.

    Nigel is definitely not anonymous.

    (The stalker has spoken.)

    And I also apologize to Laurie for the five minutes I thought it was her.

  31. Laurie, if you start up a mommy blog I will know the end is nigh and it will be time to stock up on canned goods, dark chocolate, and batteries (I don't plan to face Armageddon without my vibrators.)

  32. calamity: just make sure you can face your vibrators when Armageddon is on you.

    love: That's why I roll incognito. Everyone is posing for something these days. Oh, and bowing is always appreciated.

  33. Oh, uh, I didn't actually intend to talk shit, but my hands started typing and my wit got the best of me.

    It might have all turned out with no hard feelings, but I never leave a war of words without a certain hard feeling turning up.


    I gotta go attend to this before I end up spending another night at the hospital.

    ~ Driz

  34. I also thought it was her, but I'm a spineless gimp so I kept my trap shut.

    but while we are slating this site, folks, what does one have to do to get an RSS feed around here, I miss all the good shit.

  35. Like Maggie, I showed up late to this party as well and had to a lot of back reading.

    Honestly, the orignial review was quite tame in comparison to so many others on here.

    Laurie's blog isn't my cup of tea either. Anonymous is a wordy baby bitch. And that review of Ask was a fucking riot. You know, if riot is synonymous with the pot calling the kettle sophomoric.

    Sickening. Really. Why do these readers defend so hardcore?

    I'm not spouting anything original, crawling back under my rock now.

  36. Cool, the reviewer becomes the reviewee! I'm on my way.

  37. Well I giggled at the complaints about the lack of a sidebar. That was pretty funny. The rest was kinda so-so, but a nice try. Parodies can be tough to do well.

    But I really had trouble getting into it at all. Because the news that LB is a Republican (shudder) was almost more than I could deal with. If I could see her great hooters that she boasts of, I could almost forgive it... but... I dunno.

  38. I can't believe someone reviewed this blog without mentioning that the newest reviewer uses third person. And then first person. In the same paragraph. I'm anti-third person almost always, but if you're into it, at least stick with it!

  39. You just got served...

  40. You have GOT to be kidding me!

    The photographer gets flaming fingers and a "meh". What does he do? He takes the advice and immediately starts to improve his blog!

    This chick gets a fucking star! She needs to put her big girl panties on and get over it already.

    And this anonymous person is just scary. He/she can't handle someone else's rejection. Can you imagine what would happen if you guys reviewed that blog and didn't like it? I think we'd be talking boiling bunnies on your doorstep.

    This has been hilarious.

  41. I fucking love anonymous. We need at least one crazy person per month to make this a winning proposition.

    Plus, the opportunities for hilarity and wasted work hours have abounded. ;)

    Angel: I fucking agree.

    Jessica: The newest reviewer? Are you talking about Mutha? She's a guest reviewer. We're pretty lenient with our guests

    I do want to make a comment about Laurie. Laurie does need to get some big girl panties. Nowhere was she criticized PERSONALLY, until about 60 posts deep in the thread, when we started to think that anonymous's intimate familiarity with her in-depth bio was suspicious. Her WRITING product was criticized. One would think that a professional writer would know the difference, and would have a well-developed enough hide to be able to absorb valid feedback and learn from it.

    Laurie may well be an experienced media professional, but her blog is strictly amateur. This is not a criticism of Laurie herself, but of Laurie's persona on the web. These are very different things.

    Many of the people who jumped to such a spirited defense of Laurie DO NOT REPRESENT THEMSELVES with such slipshod work online.

    And, many of those who jumped on the "Ask is a bunch of big meanies" bandwagon, such as Kim, would do well to take the review they received to heart. If you really want to blog, and be read, and have your web presence expand, experienced bloggers have learned that there are tactics for making this happen. If you can't handle the truth, or if you only post once a month, or if you post repeats of e-mail forwards, you are going to get ripped here.

    And you know what? You deserve to.

    It takes us time to go and review a blog. We take the time to look at template, posts, voice, etc. At least you have the obligation to make sure that you've put the same amount of time INTO YOUR BLOG that we put into reviewing it.

    Kim: You got a shitty review because as it stands, your blog sucks. You could have taken that and learned from it, but instead, you chose to pretend to some sort of victim status.

    Someone needs to call the wah-mbulance for you.

  42. Kim's Well-Deserved Review

    What? Another e-mail forward? This is why you got ripped, Laurie. Not because we're haters.

  43. Eventually, I'm sure, this topic will die an ugly, miserable, throat-rattling death, and I will be remembered as that damn woman who inadvertently incited woe and mayhem and bruised egos, that self-aggrandizing and talentless hack who knows not who she reviews, whose pompous preenings spanned three (no, FOUR!) blogs.

    My work is done.

    Next week I better get a blog I fucking well love.

  44. LMFAO!!! You're bringing ME into this?!?!?!? Apparently my comment on Laurie's blog must have offended you in some way Ms Bites.

    I thanked you for my review. I did not whine, I did not bitch, I didn't cry to my friends that you didn't like me ... either in other people's comments or on my own blog ... but you already know that since you (or someone from your site) continued to check my blog for updates after you told me it was a steaming pile of dung. You do that simply so you can come back to this site and say what 'cry babies' people are don't you?

    My review was done about two months ago, you've hated lots of blogs since then, but I make ONE COMMENT, to ONE PERSON, who I happened to feel a connection with, and I'm getting reamed out on here again?!?!?!?

    Since my review, I posted one additional comment on this site about someone else's review, simply trying to clarify that NOT everyone reads your reviews before submitting, as you continuously assume they do. I was not rude to you, I did not insult you, I STILL at that time did not complain about the review I'd been given.

    Did the review sting? Sure. Nobody likes being told their thoughts are 'steaming piles of dung'. My blog or it's (in)frequency haven't changed because in the big scheme of things, I really don't give a shit what you think of it. I know who my readers are, I know how many hits my blog has had in the last two years. I'm not looking to gain international readership from what I have to say. I simply blog for my friends and family ... and me! I'm a firm believer that blogging is the cheapest form of therapy!!!

    Someone else wants to read what I have to say ... GREAT! Pull up a chair, grab a coffee and start reading! Come on back if you like! If you don't like it .... that's ok too. It really doesn't impact me one way or the other. I requested the review on a 'what the heck' premise. Curiousity. Nothing more.

    I did NOT portray myself as a victim in my comment to Laurie. I simply stated I didn't know what 'you people' are looking for because your reviews are contradictory to what you say you like about blogs. I had a 'smiley face' when I said you hated me. I joked about sharing a freakin' t-shirt with her!!! Where do you get 'oh woe is me' out of that?!?!?! Oh but that's right ... you don't GET Laurie's humour so I guess you would have missed that. How is making one comment to one person jumping on a bandwagon? I could have picked any number of wagons around here to jump on long ago!!! Nevery mind, it doesn't really matter anyway.

    I had never heard of this site before I sent in my request for review. I kept coming back here afterwards because I have found some interesting and funny blogs from the reviews. Usually the blogs you hate are the ones I like. Go figure.

    Calamity ... I did enjoy your reviews.

    NJ ... you did give me a good chuckle at times :-)

    Booty ... of the couple of reviews I read, you struck me as trying to be fair.

    However, after today I will try to take the very good advice I've received, and simply forget this site exists.

    There are definitely easier ways of finding great blogs than dealing with people like you Ms Bites. You certainly come off as a very hateful person. You may not be *in real life*, but on here, that's the impression you leave.

    Thanks for all the site traffic though LOL. I did get SOMETHING out of this experience. Oh, wait, I got two things ... I made a new friend in Laurie :-)

    P.S. And before you throw out a retaliation comment to the effect that I 'took half an hour to type up a whiney assed bitchey comment back to you' ... I just got back from lunch and whipped this off ... I'm a fast typer and this really took me no time at all LOL

  45. I do want to make a comment about Laurie. Laurie does need to get some big girl panties.


    Yes, I came back.

    Let's not start this thing all over again, OK? To me it's water under the bridge. I think everything that needs to be said on this matter has already been said and anything else at this point is just piling on...unless there is something new to add. And piling on is a 15-yard penalty...

    Uh..."Anonymous" (the same one?)...I appreciate that you linked me here in the comments...but Dude (or Dudette) I think the peeps here already know about my faux-review because they linked it themselves.


  46. You're reading in emotions that don't exist. I found it humorous, Kim. I'm perfectly happy to link back to that review because it is still accurate.

    I may be a bitch, but at least, I'm an honest one, not a passive aggressive one.

    I think I'm okay with that.

  47. "Piling on." That's dirty, isn't it? Or is that a pile up?

    Nigel, I laughed at Anon linking to you again. I was like, "Sheesh, catch up already!"

  48. So, Nigel, what is the penalty for beating dead horses? I should probably get cited for that quite often. ;)

  49. I must confess, I enjoyed taking a poke at Kim...ah, i'm evil. Evil to the black core of my hot-topic clad soul.

  50. p.s. Also, what would Cal and I have to do to instigate a Calamity/Nigel/Key/LoveBites pile?

  51. Not much, it's Friday, and I'm fucking bored.

  52. I will say all sincerity:

    I love y'all's sense of humor...almost as much as I love to use ellipses.

    Is that the same "Anon"? Just curious. Let me just say to you "Anon"...I LOVE YOU, MAN! Thanks for linking me here. But don't be afraid to click on those red words up in the main body of the post...

    Piling on is a football's when you tackle someone again after they've already been tackled and the whistle has blown.

    So Calamity...yes, it would be "dirty"...though not the same kind of "dirty" Keywork is looking for.

    As far as Love aforementioned "pile"'d better put me on the bottom because I'd crush you all if I was the last one in (I go about 280).

  53. Nigel, you never know. I could be looking to play contact sports. I threw a frisbee yesterday. I do wear pants sometimes. But, I guess I exude a special brand of 'dirty'.

  54. Holy guacamole, bat man. You're definitely on the bottom of a Key/Cal/Bite-wich.

    Here is what calamity said to me just now by IM:

    you're like a badger. if we're ever in a street fight, i want you on my side

    Which, is kind of hilarious because I am the girl you want to go see black flag with. Even though I'm 5'4, 130.

    So, since we already beat the tool discussion into the ground, what animal would YOU be if you were an animal?

    Clearly, Cal has answered for me: I'm a badger with her teeth in the throats of the blogologically inept.

    Key: I think I speak for many of us here when I say I like your special brand of dirty(tm).

  55. I'm a raccoon. Really. Mostly. Happy to be received. Really.

  56. Also, this is wrong of me, but I linked to Kim purely out of ego. I loved this line from that dual review:

    "This blog makes me want to punch you in the ovaries."

    I fucking love it that I wrote that. Yes, I am that shallow/pathetic/self-congratulatory. I'm not ashamed to admit it.

  57. Also, you get to be the first people to know that Calamity and I have decided to add a new feature to Ask: comment of the week. Watch for it on Saturday/Sunday, depending on how hungover I am from the show we're going to tonight.

  58. Oh, man. I'm not self-actualized enough to recognize what my animal totem would be.

    Probably a bunny, because I'm round and soft and I like to screw a lot. But sometimes, like in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, you have to watch out for bunnies.

  59. I'm pretty nocturnal, so it all makes sense. And I like shiny stuff. Rabbits make good pets from what I hear. But you have to buy two. Well, that's what the lady at PetsMart says. I think she's lying to cover up her Ark fetish. What a bitch.

  60. Speaking of nocturnal, after all of the Indian food I just ate, I need a nap.

  61. Naps ruin me. I just say no. To naps.

  62. Naps are all that is good. Particularly with a belly full of curry. Nothing better than a 2:30 p.m. nap., unless it's a little 2:30 a.m. drilling.

  63. I'm more for the a.m. Naps make me much more irritable and vile than normal. So maybe I should take a nap before I go out tonight.

  64. Key:

    I've been stalking you (oops, scratch that), I mean reading your blog, and I think I'm a little bit in love with your sordid self.

    p.s. I'm definitely having a nap before we go to the show tonight. We're seeing Mae, Between the Trees, The Honorary Title and some other band. I have to get some freaking sleep between now and then, or horror of horrors, I'll be showing my age by nodding off during the last act.

    I'm annoyingly perky almost all the time, even during a 2:30 a.m. drilling. It really pisses people off. You'd never know that though when I review blogs. Muahhahha

  65. Stalking sounds more exciting, though. My self enjoys flattery, so stalk away. Thanks for hiding in my garage.

  66. Stalking definitely sounds dirtier and more violating than reading.

    Dude: you seriously need to clean this mess up. I almost killed myself on some paint cans.

  67. Yeah, I tend to thrive on 'dirty' and 'violating'. A far as the cleaning of the garage, make me. I like to keep my stalkers on their toes.

  68. Ah, so the garage is the obstacle course to weed out the stalkers who can't hang. I understand. I assure you I am up to the challenge. Soon your pair of bunnies will be boiling on the stove.

    For what it's worth, dirty is probably my favorite compliment.

  69. Yes, an obstacle course. Boiling? Well, that means less time on the grill I guess. I'll make sure to leave a few surprises in the garage for later. Hint: shards of glass and jolly ranchers.

  70. You're so thoughtful to leave me something to suck on.

    p.s. dude, is this the week that will not end, or what? This day is killing me. Having only slept for 4 hours isn't helping.

  71. I'm thoughtful like that. Well, that, and the neighbors made me stop handing them out to their children. Something about projectile diarrhea. Pussies.

  72. I hate over protective parents. I let my kids scrounge for cheetohs on the living room floor.

  73. Survival: it's not just for adults anymore.

  74. EXACTLY! That's what is wrong with America today. Kids have it too soft. They don't have to struggle, claw, and scratch their way into adolescence.

    I think my children will be stronger and better for having to duke it out in the mosh pit.

  75. Yeah, my best friend's son was really pumped when he found out his dad got his foot fractured in the pit a few weeks ago. I was pumped because I fractured his foot. He has yet to return the favor. Kids need good role models. Really.

  76. Positive role models are so important. what bands?

  77. Some sloppy local hardcore band. Couldn't tell you their name, but I do know it was the bassist's birthday. He drives around town in an old hearse. We don't get much in the way of music out here, so we take what is given. And drink heavily.

  78. Oh, you do live in BFE. I spent 10 years in SLC. Great band scene.

    My son went to his first hardcore show this year: Revolution Mother. The lead singer is a pro-skater, so he was in heaven. Opened for Tiger Army, who was fun.

  79. Living out in western colorado would explain both your perversion and your bitterness. ;)

  80. And I've only been here for two years. Honestly, I was born in Austin and raised all over Texas. Between that, the private schools, the military school, and four years in the Marine Corps, I'm truely amazed that I haven't been permanently institutionalized. I hate Pepsi products.

  81. You were a marine? Keep talking, hot meat.

    Actually, boyfriend is Navy. I love those white officer uniforms. Hawt.

    The only kind of carbonated beverage I drink is made from apples and alcohol.

    I was just thinking that the best thing about going to a hardcore show with your kids is that everyone at the show suddenly feels alot less badass when they see you there...

    "Fuck yeah!"
    *fists pumping*
    *crowd surfing*

    "Dude, it's someone's mom..."
    "Dude, someone's mom just kicked your ass in the mosh pit."

    Okay, that last one was just pretend. But still, a girl can dream.

  82. It could happen, but I'm telling you I look out for moms in the pit. The last thing someones' kid wants to hear is "Your mom got stomped in the pit!"

    You drink Night Train? That's hardcore. Yeah, I'll keep talking. Hot meat. That's almost endearing.

  83. I tried reading the Kendrick blog, but the only funny entry was the one in which she shit herself. Everything else was so wordy I could not bear reading it. Now my head hurts. Your review was really very kind.


Grow a pair.