Thursday, March 06, 2008

Bitches, please.

Woot, a double review. How fun is that? Seriously, I'm covering two reviews for people who are under the weather, and this day has sucked ass in ways I cannot begin to describe. So, I pity the fools that are having their blogs reviewed on this particular day. But they asked, and now they shall receive.

The first victim is Kim's Korner. Kim has an ugly standard blogger template, and only posts about once a month. When she does post, her posts are about 3 times longer than they should be.

Kim: Resubmit when you decide to be a real blogger. I don't know why anyone who can only be bothered to post once a month would even submit their blog to us. The posts aren't terrible, but they would be a lot better if you took about half the words out of each one of them. I've said more and better to other people who have similar writing issues. And you submitted for a review after those were written, so you had to know we were going to rip you to shreds.

I'm going to assume that's what you want. If not, read back over the past couple of months, and take my previous advice, which applies even more to you than it did to the other folks who got reviewed in January and February.

One specific bit of feedback I'll give you is this: whittle down your "about me" section in your sidebar, it's annoying. I can't even rate you, because there is nothing on your blog to work with, so I'm giving you this for submitting to us and wasting my time:

Next victim: Biddy's World. I like her header image...cute. I lurve the font, it's delicious.

But then, the subtitle: "Leave the bitching to me."

Bitch, please. Leave the bitching to ME. I am really fucking sick of the overuse of this word right now. Let me also add snarky and snark to that list. Why do women feel like they need to be bitches all of the goddamn time? Who likes a bitch? Who wants to BE a bitch? And, why do people think it's cool to have a blog solely for the purpose of bitching? Who wants to read THAT shit? Nobody, that's who. The terms bitches, snarky and snark are so five years ago. Get with the fucking program.

Even worse...when you actually read the posts, THERE IS NO BITCHING. So, and this is also typical, here we have a female blogger claiming to bring the snark, who CAN'T. So, she's a fake poser bitch. It is a rare person who can do the snark well, without coming off as a whiny hag. So, seriously--stop. It's not cute or trendy anymore, it's not unique, it's not cool. It's just dumb. And overdone. And boring. There are fourteen-year-olds in the blogosphere these days who can bring the snark better than this, and one lives in my house. This blog makes me want to punch you in the ovaries.

The writing is nothing special. Mostly I just don't care. There is nothing to interest me (though your grandpa was adorable), and much to annoy me. The ghetto Obama is offensive as hell. I can forgive the racial insensititivity and stupidity, but I can't forgive someone who thinks a photoshop this idiotic is humor. It's crass and tasteless, and NOT FUNNY, and coming from me, that's saying something. Mostly, it's stupid.

God, I hate teh stupid. HATE IT. Please, people, stop with the stupid. I don't want to have to go around norplanting you with a sniper rifle so you don't breed.

Get rid of the gadgets and clutter in your sidebar. You don't have peeps, that term went out 16 years ago, and I personally hate that gadget with a passion.

Stop focusing on little stylistic elements that don't mean shit to us here, and start WRITING. I mean, really writing. When you write a post, edit, edit, edit. Trim out the unnecessary words. Get to the fucking point. Use proper grammar. Capitalize. Don't make me go all red pen on your ass.

You get

Clearly, you have some design skills and some writing skills, but you aren't doing shit with them on your blog. It's hard for me to care when you clearly don't. Again, if you want writing tips, they are here and here. Focus, for god's sake.

I'm starting to wonder if you people even pay attention at all. Because, how could you NOT realize, based upon reviews we've posted in the past, that your blogs were steaming piles of dung?


  1. Getting the pre-sale code to buy The Cure tickets a day early and now this review have made my entire fucking day.

    And for the record I prefer to call myself and asshole. I'm not a bitch. I'm an asshole, more people should be.

    And if fat ass asshole didn't sound entirely redundant then that's what my business card would read. Screw my blog header.

    If only you'd worked in ass-faced whore then I could die right now. A happy, fat assed asshole.

  2. I kept trying to figure out a way to make ass-faced whores work. You tell me.

    God, I love the cure. I realized a couple of weeks ago that I could never date a man who doesn't.

  3. Oh, now you know I'm in love with your right?

    I'm not a man, but I love The Cure.

    A couple years ago my husband and I went as Siouxsie and Robert Smith for Halloween and doing his make-up was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

    What can I say? I'm easy to please, obviously.

    Can more things be titled Ass-Faced Whores? Because the world would be a much better place if more people realized that's all they are.

  4. "Fake poser bitch" is why I keep coming back to this site. And you're dead right about the "bitchiness". It mostly just comes off as whinging (as they like to say in the Commonwealth) and it is just dreary.

    Love it when you get out the red pen.

  5. "Get with the fucking program."

    Is that opposed to the bitching program and the snarking program? Please, tell me more about this fucking program, and how it will change my life.

  6. "This blog makes me want to punch you in the ovaries" is the funniest thing ever written on this site.

    And, on a completely unrelated topic, I think I'm going to try and bring back the word "twat".

    Look for it!

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Grow a pair.