Lawrence, we're going to need considerably bigger buns

It's Friday, and I'm working at home while watching a movie. One of the best things about working at home is being able to wear sweats and a baseball cap, without heels and a skirt. Goddamn, it's so much nicer.

Madame Huff, you're just lucky you caught me in a good mood. I'm not even joking here.

First off, Karen, you are revealing way too much about yourself here. As chief safety officer, you should be aware that teh internets, they are full of freaks. And I'm not even talking about Balls, Nutjobber, or Ryan here. Please don't put this much about yourself "out there." Just not a good idea.

About your template. You've been blogging about a year now, semi-regularly for the past couple of months. Your sidebar should be listed in the following order, top to bottom, for optimal use by readers:

1. Profile
2. Archives
3. Links
4. Ads (if you must, do you really think you're going to make money this way?)
5. Pay per post crap

I see so many "fake" blogs these days, for the sole purpose of generating ad clicks, that if i see an ad on the top, I almost automatically click --- AWAY. Please, stop with it. Secondly, take the two paragraph long description OUT OF THE HEADER of your blog, and put it into your "about me."

The template is pretty, I have no real objections to it, but if you really want to increase readership, you have to do two things. First, start building your blogroll of blogs you read, and who read you. Comment on other blogs, and introduce yourself. You will make friends and get more readers.

Secondly, you must focus on your content. Most of your posts are reposts of e-mail spam, and while they don't totally suck, they are also far too long, and they are the blog content equivalent of styrofoam. This post hcould easily have been broken into five separate posts, over time. The first story, while poignant, could have been greatly enhanced had you posted that short blurb, and then MADE IT PERSONAL. Why did you choose to post that e-mail? What did it mean to you? What did you hope your readers would learn? How has the experience of relating to all people, at every level, changed you? When have you had a similar experience. For the record, I think most of these "stories" in this e-mail forward you've posted here are false and added in just for effect.

Successful blogs don't just repost e-mail spam. They connect the reader to the writer on a PERSONAL level. They are, in essence, a personal journal, that tells a story that engages us.

At present, Karen, you are just regurgitating your daily events with no real emotional hook, and reposting e-mail spam. If you want readers, you have to do more. You have to WRITE.

Let me give you an example from a blog you read. Do you see how REAL it is? How it lets us live inside of her head and experience exactly what she was feeling and thinking? That's what a REAL blog does...

And, if you're going to blog, please do this. For the love of God.

If you do it, though, they will come. The readers, I mean. You don't have to do anything hokey, you don't have to do pay for post, you don't have to do anything but just BE REAL.

Oh, and take a couple of hours to watch Calendar Girls, which will help you get in touch with your own 49-year-old inner exhibitionist.

For now, I give it a . But, I'm going to suggest that you resubmit at a later point.