Monday, February 23, 2009

So when you see her standing there...she won't be wearing underwear

So this dude comes up to you in a bar. The first thing you notice is that he's wearing a stupid hat, and has his fingernails painted black, and then you realize that it looks like he had his hair done by the same people that used to style Cyndi Lauper.

And you think, "What the hell is he wearing? What heterosexual man would ever be caught dead wearing a purple velvet blazer and ankle boots? Please don't talk to me. Please don't talk to me. Please don't talk to me."

Your attempt to redirect him with mind powers fails. Like a mosquito, he unerringly hones in on you, coming right up into your business and invading your personal space with his buzz.

And that seems bad enough, but then he opens his mouth.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

Your doelike eyes stare into his headlights, stunned by the fact that this tool has singled you out as if you have "pick me, douche" scrawled on your forehead.

"Ummm, come again?"

"Are you okay?" he asks again, more slowly this time.

"Sure," you say, turning away, slightly, to offer him your teflon-coated shoulder of doom.

"I just wondered," he says, breathing from his mouth, "because that must have been a long fall from heaven." He chokes on his own laughter.

You smile unsmilingly, and turn fully away from him, stifling his enthusiasm with indifference. He waits a while, then says, "Hey." You ignore him. "Hey," he repeats, a bit more loudly. You wish for him to leave.

"Fucken bitch," he mutters under his breath as he turns and splooges away, back to his corner.

Problems with this blog:
1) Hideous template
2) Ten million ads.
3) Humor that stopped being humorous when I was about 15.
4) FUCKING TRIES TOO HARD AND FAILS MISERABLY.

In short, I offer you the following site description, from the author himself:

WARNING:
This blog may or may not contain adult themes and may or may not be suitable for small children or nuns. Scary evil people and axe murderers will find this blog enjoyable.
If your are a small kid and you've somehow come across this site then make sure you tell all your friends about it, it will make you popular and rich!

We Don't get paid so make sure you leave a comment, subscribe, Stumble, Digg and all that other stuff. Fame and possible future profits are our award!
If you forget you might die, seriously its happened before, maybe.

Did I mention its a humor blog?


If you have to tell people that it's a humor blog, it isn't. Please stop polluting the blogo-sphere with your yak shit. This is one blog that should have been killed in utero before it was ever birthed in puke and sweat onto the interwebs.

70 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry I had to read that. Run-on sentences, misspellings, crap humor... He says somewhere that he's 26, but it reads like a MySpace blog. A piss-poor MySpace blog.

    I agree with the rating, but I'd throw in a few flaming fingers as well.

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  2. This is all my fault. I left a comment last week to the effect of: 'it can't get any worse'. Medammit, it got a lot worse. Fucking pathetic.

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  3. I really don't like repetitive mosaic background pictures, I didn't like his humor, and he belongs to way to many blog directories and blog subscription sites [attention whore]

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  4. More with the "humor blogs", gasp.

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  5. Oh my fucking Keywork! This was painful, and I didn't even make it through the first post.

    Still gagging.

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  6. I wonder how long it's been since this blogger got laid.

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  7. I wish this blogger would make like an 'angry serpent' and swallow himself. Implode, bitch, implode.

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  8. It doesn't take a lot for me to not like a blog. But it's a rare day when I don't like the person writing the blog.

    I do NOT like him. He is very, very unlikable. And I feel guilty about that, like, I should accept him, but fuck if I want to ever be around him. Ever.

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  9. Um, Rassles? Don't you mean you don't want to be around him ... "EVA"?

    Yes, still gagging.

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  10. He's the unholy offspring of an Anna Nicole Smith and Fred Durst mating ritual.

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  11. Fowl smelling? Dude. This guy smells chickens. Or possibly pigeons. There's something super wrong with him.

    But there ain't nothin' wrong with this review.

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  12. Yes, LB, but without the entertainment value.

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  13. I think I know someone who would wear a purple velvet blazer. He has hands that could be counted deadly weapons. For mice. Or small gerbils. Or mosquitos.

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  14. True, at least with Anna and Fred, you could watch them fight.

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  15. Cal,

    Does he have thin, almost delicate wrists?

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  16. He does. And a predilection for black nubby dildos.

    I've said too much.

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  17. With ANS, at least there'd be boobs. Boobs make everything better.

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  18. Better: boobs AND drugs.
    Best: boobs, drugs, AND trimspa, baby.

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  19. What is trimspa? cal: You have mail.

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  20. The upside for me is that so far the bar for this week has been set pretty low.

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  21. That trimspa shit so does not work. I don't want to talk about how I know that.

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  22. Doug, you are sorely mistaken. When a train hits a certain speed, it will keep going until it hits another train. Well, liken the 'train' to 'reviewer's disgust and hatred'.

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  23. You're confusing Newtonian mechanics with a Grateful Dead song.

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  24. No, I'm not Doug. Listen to any of those 'Dead bootlegs? neverending. Also, this blog is up for an 'obnoxious' award so I would expect the reviews to only get nastier from here on out.

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  25. LB, this review was fucking awesome. I just sat there giggling to myself while I read it.

    Ghost, you didn't check it out, did you? Too many clowns for you.

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  26. DPH,

    The sad thing is...I'm writing from personal experience here. Hasn't EVERY WOMAN encountered THAT GUY in a bar?

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  27. I don't really plan on getting anymore obnoxious than i already am, frankly. I'm already skirting the boundaries of behaviors that might get me stoned in Iran.

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  28. Honestly, there was that one post where he said ' EVA ' so many times I wondered if he was getting paid by Lifetime to subliminal message me into watching Desperate Houswives.

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  29. Sometimes you just have to flush as quickly as you can.
    Otherwise you end up staring at it and wanting to give it a name.

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  30. I'm confused, MG, are we talking about shit or ugly fetuses?

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  31. I was actually thiking of three things, your Holiness.
    1) The blog reviewed today
    2) Feces
    3) The mass of blood clots that fell into the toilet just after I assisted a friend in the removal of his catheter

    Don't ask.

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  32. Don't you think that it works well for whatever category this misbegotten blog falls into?

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  33. Nobody mentioned how funny the term "yak shit" is?

    Impossible - I just must have missed it.

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  34. Ok, I got confused watching the clot video. Just because I know everything, doesn't mean I remember it. I don't have to. Cause I'm omni-bitchin!

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  35. Don't you think? I thought that was an excellent double entendre.

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  36. I think miscegenation is EXACTLY the right word to describe this blog's creation.

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  37. This blog is fucking taintsweat. But less appealing.

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  38. This blog is like biscotti dipped in smegma.

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  39. Taint. Gets back to LB's comment about miscegenation, eh?
    It taint all the way this, and it taint all the way that. We don't know what the hell it is.

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  40. Seriously, Rass, this guy needs to shave his blog's ass and teach it to walk backwards.

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  41. This guy needs to be ass-raped by a Ford Taurus.

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  42. Or maybe just run over by a Taurus.

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  43. Zack Morris' cell phone?

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  44. Large cacti? The National Deficit?

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  45. Little scamps! I am a Taurus and would be more than happy to ass rape the clown. Well, if he first signs an agreement to shave his ass and tidy up that taint.

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  46. There is actually a difference between "your" and "you're", use it.

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  47. can't sleep... clown'll tell more bad jokes... can't sleep... clown'll tell more bad jokes... can't sleep... clown'll tell more bad jokes... can't sleep... clown'll tell more bad jokes...

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  48. It's probably really wrong how bad I want these guys to see this review and comment.

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  49. Ahhh College students are da BOMB yes the 90s called me and want their saying bk.

    S0 yall hte bad spelling? Yeah me 2.

    Glad ya liked my blog thanks for the review and I'm everything and moar that was said in the review and the following comments kinda sad hey?

    Ah I farken luv it keep em coming this shiznit iz gold.

    If I could I would root you all!

    Cheers Damo.

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  50. College students? Where? I thought we got rid of all the kids last week.

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  51. Yeah, uh, Douche_Chicken? That thing I said about being willing to ass rape you? I shouldn't have said that. I'm really sorry man, but I think the honest thing to do is just go on home now and catch up on the latest PBS special.

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  52. Wow, she picked PBS. That's pretty medamned pitiful, Douche.

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  53. Good god, could there be anymore adverts on that site!

    Why do people look at blogging as a way of making money? I know times are hard but it can't be that much and all you are doing is 'selling out' the supposed nature of blogging.

    Surely it's meant to be a looking glass into an individual rather than a business venture. Ever the blogging romantic me.

    I also tire of people bashing Tom Cruise. It's not clever and it's predictably tedious.

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  54. Ah, the vinegar vagina fluid fowl rears his ugly head. Dude...you're 26. Do you get that you are at least 10 years past this level, OR SHOULD BE?

    There is obnoxious immaturity that's funny (us), and then there is just obnoxious immaturity that makes you want to pop some douche in the jaw. And that ain't funny, and you can break your hand doing that shit, yo.

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  55. Especially if you have sweet little delicate hands.

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  56. Or, like a big black nubby cock up your ass.

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  57. Also, Cal, I'll have you know that those hands are registered as a lethal weapon in 16 countries.

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  58. Ok, bitches, tell me about the fucking golf shoes. I hate being left out.

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  59. Lethal, for sure. They're so precious and fey, they could splinter and you could get a sliver under your nail and then it could migrate to your heart and kill you dead.

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  60. Those hands would shatter into a million delicate but deadly curves, like broken porcelain.

    God, Cal, I totally have a girl crush on you right now.

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  61. So, uhm...what did you think of his friend, Project Julio? I did the Pro-Cannibalism series and also played an extra on an episode of Full-House. Please send some anger, love or angry-love my way also. www.projectjulio.blogspot.com

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  62. You can find the Cannibalism series I did for him here: http://angryclown.blogspot.com/2009_01_01_archive.html

    Also, there are TWO ADS...one at the top and one at the bottom...TWO...is TWO "two-many"?

    Also, Irrespectively to his blog, I'm fat. Fat people need to stick together before all you "skinnies" try to feed us to the poor Africans. Damn Liberal Media and your damn "charities" and damn "universal health care" and damn "tax breaks for people who don't make $8-Million per year"...

    ReplyDelete
  63. Interesting post as for me. It would be great to read a bit more concerning that topic. Thanks for sharing this information.
    The only thing your blog miss is such photo like on california escorts :)
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    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.