Vanilla, Chocolate, Pirate.

Today's scheduled victim was in a terrible trebuchet accident and the kind crew here decided it would be easier on the family not to run his review. Instead, we have one of our guest reviewers to fill in. If there's anyone Miss Missives would call to take over a lashing session, it would be the Dirty Pirate Hooker. She's clearly a masochist and a sadist because she is voluntarily walking down the aisle with Ghost of Keywork in the near future. She is flexing her mean muscle here a little in preparation for married life where she'll have to keep her dirty little raccoon in line. -Miss Missives


Good morning, it is I, the Dirty Pirate Hooker. I’ve been dying to do a guest review and when the lovely Miss Missives popped up in my inbox with today’s review, I was excited! I was expecting a blog about some wannabe whore that I could shame in front of the masses. Instead I got this.

Let's talk about your template, shall we? First of all let me say, that 20 posts per page are way too fucking many, and because of how many you have on each page, your blog takes forever to load. The first thing my eyes are assaulted with upon visiting your blog is your ginormous fucking header. You boast on your header about your "twisted" sense of humor, but the only thing I found funny on your blog was your disgusting need for people to like you. I mean come on honey, have some dignity. Do you really need 14 ways for someone to follow you? That just screams, "I'm fucking desperate, love me". Also, the navigation on your blog sucks. Get a drop down for your archives and do it by month and year. Nothing irritates me more than clicking on "older posts".

I need to clue you in on a little secret. Are you listening? Blog awards are like getting a medal at the special olympics. You may be a winner, but you're still fucking retarded. Sure there's something to say about being given an award, but you file away that fuzzy feeling and you leave it at that. You don't post them up on your blog and list the number of times these awards have been given to you. And seriously? You have a humorblog button that lists how many people voted for you? You're not even funny, like at all. The only thing I'm going to say about your pathetic attempt to make money off of your blog is, that design sucks and all of the clothes on there are ugly.

As for the content, I really have nothing nice to say. My first thought when I started reading was, "can I be mean to a woman who just got punched by her ex"? Then I kept reading and decided yes, I can. Lisa, you don't take responsibility for anything, which is clearly evidenced here , here, the second half of this post, I could keep going but I think you all get the point. I fear that blogging is like a popularity contest for you. Bitch, you're addicted to your blog and are blogging for all the wrong reasons. You don't even write about anything in particular. It's all just crap that I have no interest in reading and I can't even fathom why others would want to either.

The only time that I laughed out loud while reading this waste of space was during this post. I want to be bff's with the kid who texted you and then later wrote the apology letter. I want him/her to have their own blog because that was some truly entertaining shit right there.

Lisa, I hate your blog and wish that it would die a slow and painful death. For that reason, I am giving you 3 flaming fingers, and this one as well. It seems so fitting.