Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I'm Just Not that into You

Dear Catherinette,

We need to talk. Do you remember last week when you asked me if everything was okay and I said it was? I wasn't being honest with you and the truth is I can't do this anymore. Listen, it's been good getting to know you but I think we need some space. Maybe we should take a break, you know, see other people. It's just not going to work out between us and I really want what's best for you, for us. You deserve someone better, you know, someone who can love you the way you need to be loved, someone who can treat you right. I still care about you, but I don't feel the same way you do. I love you but I'm not in love with you. And let's face it, we're both so young, I just can't think about forever. Plus, work has been so busy, I really need to focus on my career right now—I just don't have time for a relationship. You understand don't you? It's me, it's not you. Really. We can still be friends right?

Oh, by the way, I fucked your sister.

Sincerely,
The Internets
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Catherinette, breaking up is hard to do, no? Let Miss Missives state up front that it is you. We can smell the desperation dear, and in the blogging world as in the dating world, desperation is kryptonite. Posts like this one stink of it and then there's this one from Dec.10 :

"I am this close to pitching a fit, having a cow, and breaking some shit. What the fuck?? Yesterday I was number 5 of Humor Blogs, and now I’m not even listed! What the hell is that about?? Whose dick do you have to suck to stay in the god damned ranks??Seething with rage right now…"
Not being ranked in the Top 5 on Humorblogs really sent you into a tail spin? Really? We've reviewed a bunch of the 'humor blogs' and I can tell you from experience that what you don't have to have to be part of Humorblogs is humor. You link to no fewer than one of three other blogs on nearly every post. Humorblogs? Kizmeet? Twolia? Please don't settle for being mediocre in three places.

There are several things about your blog I don't like but here are the big ones. The first big no-no is having 'click to continue' posts. It would be irritating even if you were Chuck freaking Palahniuk but your intros aren't anywhere near attention grabbing enough to get away with it. This post I was actually inclined to read but the link to another site loaded so slow I gave up. There might have been some really good writing buried in your blog but I couldn't be bothered to link over to another site. The second thing that irked me is it would appear you are so inclined to get an award or be featured on other sites that you spend far too much time driving traffic and campaigning and far too little time writing.

I like that you have a countdown to the last time you had a peen in your vag on your homepage, and you use tabs well, however, your Cast of Characters at thirty, borders on unreadable and you need to pare down your sidebars, dump the calendar and move your Blog Roll to a tab.

There are things I like about you Catherinette. I liked this, while it wasn't exactly finely crafted, showed you have a sense of humor and wit about you. This was definitely TMI but gives me a sense of you. I like your Just the Tip Tuesday feature if for nothing more than a little man candy.

I can see what you're going for but it didn't connect for me. You're spreading yourself far too thin dear. You are not yet a talented or prolific enough writer to cast so many lines. You need to focus on your one blog and let the other ones go. You are both trying too hard and not putting enough effort into your writing.

I don't know if you'll be willing to do the things necessary to make your blog more readable but lucky for all of us, even if you don't, there are still plenty of fish in the sea. And when you get sloppy like this, give us a call and we'll be on you for a quickie hookup like white on rice.

30 comments:

  1. I really enjoyed the most recent guest post, though. Maybe it really is me, not you.

    Holy Christ, MM, I fucking love the intro to this review. Makes me want to propose a three way: You, me, my fiancee. Naked, maybe with some exotic oils. And a camera. Kidding. Sorta.

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  2. Read the review. Not going to that blog. I don't want my self to irritate my self for having read something that might irritate my self.

    I believed your review. That's good enough for my self.

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  3. Ky, (time stamps!) are you lurking everywhere at all times? can't I ever be alone?????

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  4. Nope. You should know by now that I am omnipresent, omnipotent, omnisexual.

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  5. Okay, whew, the time stamp curse seems to be broken.

    I think you waited a few minutes. You're that kinda sweetheart.

    meow

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  6. Okay, I'm drunk and I really dug that drunk post. Perfect.

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  7. I'm omniskeptic of that comment.

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  8. Miss Missives, this one is gold (the review, obviously). What is it with humorblogs? Anyone that needs a label that says "Yo, I'm funny" is just setting themselves up for being limp dicks. I don't get it. Wouldn't you just rather casually be funny and sort of catch people that share your sense of humor on the surprise factor instead of slapsticking your stupid ass all over the internets?

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  9. I haven't read a member of HumorBlogs I liked. Not once. These days I figure anyone who is a member of that site must by default be entirely unfunny.

    You, however, Miss Missives, crack my shit up.

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  10. Miss M, that was the funniest review ever. Ever.

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  11. Thank you, thank you. Yes, I think humorblogs is a self selected site where you just sign up and whomever drives the most traffic be it clicks, votes, gets ranked the highest. It may not be exactly that but I must be pretty close. There's a few decent onesin their but someone needs to go in there with the giant hook they used on the Gong Show and clean that place up.

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  12. yes i've seen several blogs that have clever ways to get you to click on the humorblog site which effects how the bloggers are listed. So apparently, the more people you get to click over there, the funnier you are.

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  13. I HATE the sites that do "click to continue reading". Especially when I've never been to your site before, so now I have to click to continue reading every fucking post.
    Great review. You really showed what humor is all about. For me, at least.

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  14. They really should rename that site 'Humor Me Blogs'. Check their top ten and find something funny, I dare ya. C'mon, humor me.

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  15. Seriously, when I see the HumorBlogs banner on a blog, I feel like I'm seven years old, all over again, trying on clothes for mom. Creepy, itchy, painful.

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  16. the problem with labeling yourself funny, is that suddenly the expectations are so much higher than regular people who aren't dumb enough to do that, and now I'm gonna be looking at your shit with the most critical eye ever.

    Don't tell people you're funny. That ruins it. It's like meeting a nice guy but then he starts bragging about about how nice he is to people all the time and then pretty soon you think he's an asshole.

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  17. I think that's a problem when you label yourself as anything. Unless you're labeling, you know, LB as a glorious bitch, or GoK and DPH as hypersexual.

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  18. We nice guys are all gay.

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  19. People who say they're funny are kind of like the guys who always talk about what great lovers they are.

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  20. Women who don't suck cock and take it in the ass are not good lovers.

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  21. I just want to say I really enjoyed this review. You always make me laugh. Which is strange because you didn't tell me you were funny. You just are funny. Hmmm. That's what is so annoying about "humorblogs" to me. Humor is such a personal and subjective thing. It's like how dare you tell me what I'm supposed to think is funny? If you are funny then I'll let you know by telling you or laughing. If you have to tell me when something is funny then it makes it very not funny. And that includes things that may actually have been humorous had you not told me how hilarious I should be finding it.

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  22. Again, I'm going to agree with anonymous. Gotta think outside the box.

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  23. The reason I don't like Humor Blogs is because they degrade Sponge Bob Square Pants with that strange purple rendition of him running through the grass. Or is that supposed to be a cat. Fuck. I don't know.
    Oh, and I would like to propose that Anonymous suck my vibrator and then shove it in his/her ass so I can assist him/her in saying s/he is good at something. Hey, I'm just tryin' to help.

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  24. The guy who runs "Humorblogs" is a huge fucking shithole as well as being a complete ass. Basically, he wouldn't know funny if it walked up and bit him in the ass. And that would be the only thing biting him in the ass because he's one ugly ass motherfucker.

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  25. Amazed that you reviewed this site and dissed it. I imagined that this was the nexus of what every blog wants to be. Shows how little I know of the blog world!

    I discovered the blog of Catherinette back in April. She writes well and looking through some of her archives there was some honesty, humour and moments of fragility.

    I did however note that over time she seemed to become more concerned with driving people to other sites and endlessly trying to propel herself up an assortment of blog rankings.

    Now I understand that a blog is another form of self publicity and that there's no point in writing if you don't want people to read it but it made you feel like another digit on the hit meter rather than a willing visitor.

    You found yourself wondering how much was written warts and all, as opposed to what might portray her as more popular.

    Add to this that she seems to have a great body, is intelligent, funny and has regular interaction with males and it became hard to feel any sympathy with her supposed lonely single plight, which is meant to be the fundamental of her site.

    Especially when you are a bitter loner like myself.

    It became just another blog to scratch off as not worth reading because it’s just too popular. Quick replies and empty entries.

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Grow a pair.