Thursday, January 29, 2009

You’re Everywhere, But You’re So Hard To Find

Have you ever fantasized about a woman who has an American doll costume in her role playing menagerie? Have you ever thought razor sharp wit and drunken buffoonery are a super sexy combo? Do you look like a little like this guy? Then sidle up and spend a few minutes with this week's guest reviewatrix, Rassles. She'll organize your drunk choo-choo party, or best you with her Live Band Karaoke. Then if you're really good, she'll make you some of Chicagoland's best stroganoff, what what. -Miss Missives

Okay, so sometimes you have a coworker, and she’s all like, trying to set you up with a guy she’s friends with because he’s “totally funny” and her “face hurt from laughing so hard” and you’re thinking, “Finally, someone with which to create a comedic duo that would rival Nichols and May,” but then you meet him he’s kind of cautious, and sometimes savvy, but not the raucous laugh factory you expected, so instead of hitting it off with an amusing guy you’re all shattered and grumpy and forlorn and get really, really drunk to make up for it.

That’s kind of how I feel about Free the Unicorns. And I mean, sure, technically the preceding story in no way relates to why I’m reviewing a blog today, but fucking whatever.

This is a comedy blog. Chowner is a man who wants to be very, very clever. And sometimes he is, really, but unfortunately, the skill is usually buried in posts that are exhausting in simplicity, or full of overused pop culture commentary and an abundance of obvious lines that were funny when I was twelve.

Still, you’re lucky, because I’m currently undergoing a second adolescence.

His writing is intentionally distancing and sarcastic, which I have no problem with, because he’s not obnoxious about it. There’s a thin line separating satire from sadism, and he doesn’t cross it. Still, if you’re looking for a blog bleeding personal details, you won’t find it here. This blog is like the auxiliary gym for C-Team at The Onion, or Something Awful’s slightly annoying but surprisingly engaging and informed little brother. You won’t find thought-provoking exhibitions on the human condition, and sometimes the humor is recycled and obvious, but there’s this artful wit lurking in the corners that makes me want him to be hilarious.

Chowner, in nearly every post, your last line is the best line, especially with the dialogue posts. But if your goal is banter: watch your pacing. Clip things down, because you’re dragging your rhetoric throughout the middle of the posts. The bitch of it is, if you cut out half of the crap, focus on the title and the last several lines you crank out, we’ll find prowess in your restraint.*

Your lists are strong, and some are downright crazy awesome, but I’m partial to lists, and I feel like this is where your personality inches closer to your readers. I know you’re not journaling here, in fact it feels like you’re building up a little comedic resume for that McSweeney’s submission, but slipping in little cubes of you will give your humor more edge and less monotony. Own your fucking jokes, personalize them, spit ‘til they shine. And I want to hear more about your failing one-man crusade for Unicorn Freedom, because somewhere in your past you had to have some conversation of hilarity to inspire such temerity.

The template is simple and has a horny pony, so you know. Win.

Using my unparalleled powers of inference, I have determined that Chowner is male, married to Sydney Bristow, and Canadian. I’m like motherfuckin’ Encyclopedia Brown. Give us an “About Me” page or I’ll find you and shave off your eyebrows in your sleep. And if you think that’s a hollow threat, I can introduce you to a Schick Quattro and a pair of fisticuffs aching to attest to my resolve.

Next, post your archives. I know you’ve only been writing since September, but I still want to hit up your past posts because I am nosy, and I hate clicking “Older Entries” over and over and over again. Oh, and just don’t do that continuing post bullshit, because it’s irksome, and you know…Razors and Fisticuffs: The Fucking Sequel.

Seriously, Chowner, you’ve got some gold: don’t make us bitches dig for it.

For being funny and pissing me off about it, I give you






And for making me go all Philip Marlowe on trying to find out who you were and whether or not you were funny, you get this:







*As I’m writing this, I want nothing more than to go back to my own blog and cut all of my posts in goddamn half, just to prove a point.

53 comments:

  1. Um, I want to sign up for the Razor Blade/Fisticuffs treatment for my bachelor party. Um, the doll outfit comes with the package, right? Just sayin. My groomsmen deserve to be Rassified.

    Moving on, great fucking review, Ms. Rass. I like his lists. Not as much as yours, but the Jeopardy list was awesome.

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  2. I dunno. He can write, but I don't see the funny.

    Guess my sense of humor's just different. I agree with GoK, though - great review!

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  3. Fucking itsk up alreadY? Shit.

    Is it just me, or are the links all fucky? I prolly did that wrong, and I'm sure it's my fault for being very awful at that sort of thing.

    I call horseplay.

    seriously, when I'm sober I should link this mosquito thing he wrote about, because it's great. And theres this other one about McEnroe that I did not link, but is still clever but LONG

    And Miss Missives, I am frustrated with the fucky links. As I previously stated. Iterate once again: horseplay.

    Oh, I'm going to hate myself tomorrow morning.

    so going to bed now.

    PS: Dude, my title is totally a quote from a Foreigner song, because I love all things Foreigner. URGENT.

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  4. Fuck, that sounded ungrateful.

    I like reviewing.

    And GoK and wolf: Thanks.

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  5. Rassles, have I told you lately that I love you? I love you for seeing the good in people while simultaneously threatening them. It must be the unicorn in you.

    I can't get into blogs that don't give us part of themselves in some way. To me this whole thing is about sharing and communicating (not to sound like a big blubbering self-helper). Yeah, I like Go Fug Yourself and celeb and pop culture commentary and the like, it can be funny, but it's not what drives me to go back to a blog. What drives me to go back is being interested in who they are, what they are going to say next because of what I've learned about them, and how somewhere in there I can find some glimmer of something I can relate to as a human being. Internet communication is cold enough as it is. You have to add bits of your soul in there to make it worthwhile, in my opinion.

    Unfortunately, I don't even know if this blogger gives any of himself, because when I saw there was no about page, I closed the window (that and clicking on the "bumper sticker" that I thought was funny and that reminded me of The Big Lebowski but which led me to away from his blog). Get an About Page, Chowner. Most readers are busy and have a shitload of other blogs they read that they KNOW are interesting and will prefer this rather than sifting through mountains of posts to determine if they give two shits about reading further and adding you to their reader, much less digging into the archives.

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  6. Thank you for saying that Blue Streak. My thoughts exactly, well not exactly, but what I would have written if I were actually eloquent. Anyway, I'm new to the "blogosphere" (sort of hate that word), and I'm just starting to add certain blogs to my reader. I want to read blogs that take chances, that put the person on the line, so to speak. I love when something is at stake. I love when a person isn't afraid to tell an embarrassing story or an awkward experience. I want to relate in some way to the writer and feel like I'm actually getting to know their personality, flaws and all. That's interesting to me - true humanity, raw and unfiltered. But I guess there is a blog for everyone. I do agree that this guy is funny and writes well.

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  7. Rassles-the links all work on my end, anyone else having a problem or is she just caught in a Rassle*?

    *difficulty doing something you do every day because of too much Stella Artois or PBR.

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  8. Jesus, I was drunk last night.

    For some reason, all of the links for me are "people I'd like to fight to the death in a steel cage match."

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  9. As long as noone gets Munson'd we're good.

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  10. Peter Noone?

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  11. Sure, why not? I'm glad I didn't get stuck with a name like 'Peter'. Or 'Anonymous'.

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  12. UnicornMan moderates his comments. I just can't get behind that--seem Fascist, no?

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  13. Not golden, ponyboy. I hate moderated comments.

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  14. Oh, and I just want to add: Fucking Alexander Hamilton is the sexiest man on U.S. currency.

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  15. I don't understand moderated comments either. What kind of crazy shit are people trying to comment that you need to protect the internet from their inappropriateness? Or are you afraid people are gonna criticize you and you want to double check to see if you want to let them or not?

    Just trying to make sense of it. Maybe there's a legitimate reason that I have missed. I do see it a lot and always wonder. On the other hand, I've never had any crazy mutha commenting sick ass shit on my blog.

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  16. That's not true, Blue. I commented at least once.

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  17. Fucking Alexander Hamilton on his futon is the awesome.

    Is it just me or did we just acquire some new commenty type folks? Yay for new blood.

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  18. Gwen is a Texan. Good to have another on board. New blood tastes better than old blood.

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  19. I moderate the fuck out of my comments. Should I stop this?

    Also, fantastic review, Rass. I've been looking forward to this. 'Bout time Ask for Rassified.

    Unicorns mean I have to like him, at least a little. I mean, come on, unicorns! But he's not allowed to harm the pretty face or body of Matthew McHottie.

    And Bluestreak, you nailed how I feel about blogging, too. Way to be all insightful.

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  20. Blue, do me a favor and don't get another job.

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  21. Er... that should be "'Bout time Ask GOT Rassified."

    I suck.

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  22. I suck too, apparently. Gwen, I got you confused with another blogger, my bad. Gwen is not a Texan.

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  23. Unicorns can be cool as shit, like on Rassles sweatshirt, or they can be like horses with strap-ons on their heads, which might be kinda cool too, depending on your bestiality tendencies.

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  24. I never noticed before but Alex Hamilton is smoking fine. That Romanesque schnoz, the chin, cheekbones... He is definately the most doable of the Prez. I'd like to get his declaration in my independance.

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  25. key, chances of me staying unemployed are pretty high, although it seemed like i had a lot more time to blog when I was fucking around on the job as opposed to looking for a job.

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  26. Been Fuckin' Franklin1/30/2009 11:40 AM

    Hamilton was never a Prez.

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  27. I meant present, Prez is slang for the present, duh.

    So he is, of our country's (*clears throat)statesmen, the most doable currently.

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  28. Can a chief of staff be a statesman? Because I'd do Rahm Emanuel. I'd like to be the chief of his staff.

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  29. Uh, when's the talent portion of the competition? You betcha!

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  30. I'm probably going to hell for wishing I had known Ulysses S. Grant in the biblical sense...if that means I got to rotate around on his chief of staff anyway.
    And, I have no clue what to do with myself after having been Rasslefied on Ask. We may very well have discovered the one thing Mongoliangirl simply cannot withstand. Well, that blog that just got Rasslefied.

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  31. I love this mother fucker. True story.

    VERY nice review Rassles. I made GoK read it to me over the phone last night and I was laughing my fucking ass off.

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  32. Hey all,

    First off, thanks for reviewing my blog. I can assure you, there will be no tears. I work in advertising, so I've heard a lot worse. Hell, I got 1.5 stars, not a flaming middle finger. I'll take that with a smile and use the advice to tighten up my blog.

    Speaking of which, as I write this I'm putting together an about page. And return visitors will notice the archives are now available.

    On another note, when it comes to moderating my comments, I'm not super tech-savvy so I don't know how to change the settings in Wordpress to allow everything to post immediately.

    Also, the links are fucky Rassles. How come so many link back to the Steel Cage Match post?

    Anyway, thanks again.

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  33. Thanks, peeps.

    And now, seriously, where are you, Chowner?

    I'm prolly gonna keep on reading him, just because he really IS funny sometimes. Like this.

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  34. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  35. And I don't know why there are so many links back to the Cage Match post. It's probably because I get drunk and do things incorrectly.

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  36. Rassles, you were right, I live in Canada. Toronto to be exact.

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  37. I think the links are not working for you Wordpress mongrels because they are all going to correct post for me.

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  38. That's okay. I don't mind being "accused" of being Texan. In fact it's so fucking cold here in PA that I wish I lived in Texas. Maybe I will move there so you can be right.

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  39. That would be appreciated, Gwen.

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  40. I moderate comments on my blog. The only ones I've ever moderated (censored?) were ones that were blatantly commercial:

    "Go to http://XXXXXX for free into on vasectomy reversal and discount coupons for Wii extended warrantees"

    ... and the like. So sue me.

    Many (all?) reviewers here seem to dislike blogs filled with commercial ads, and yet this seems to be a legitimate reason to moderate comments.

    No?

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  41. I didn't care that he didn't have an "About Me". I liked the impersonal touch. Because then it was all way more one-night-standish. Get in, laugh, get out, smoke. Repeat if necessary.

    Great, awesome, wonderful review, Rass.

    (BTW, YEAH CANADA!!!! Except, you know, Celine Dion, Rush, etc. Sorry about that.)

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  42. Also, GoK, nice Kingpin reference. Not enough of those around, if you ask me.

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  43. Ptd, I'm still waiting for Canada to issue a formal apology for Bryan Adams. Heinous. Thank you, I love Kingpin.

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  44. Free the Unicorns is hilarious – I love this guy.
    Who gives a shit about "About Me", it isn't a dating service. I've always assumed moderating comments was due to spam.

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  45. How much spam do you fuckers ACTUALLY get??? Also, how hard is it to just delete the comment after it's posted? Excuses, excuses.

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  46. It's too confusing. You try to comment and then you're all like, where the fuck is it, so you hit publish like 8 times before you figure out your comment is 'awaiting moderation'. It just keeps me from commenting cause I'm all like, where is my instant gratification?? Hmm?

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  47. Yeah, that's very true. I don't know why but I have this weird need to see my comment after I post. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to reassure myself that I actually exist. That's sort of a pathetic way to do that. I am unlikely to post comments after I realize that the comments are moderated. Isn't the point of those captcha (spelling?) things to prevent spam? I would assume just putting that feature on your comments would eliminate major spamming problems, no? I could be wrong. I'm new here. What the hell do I know?

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  48. Beaesse. One would have to receive tons of spam to justify the I get spam reasoning. Just delete; hello? Better yet, block all comments.

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  49. Point the first: yay for a Rassles review. She meted out crude but effective justice.

    Point the second: I don't much care for the "about me," but then again, I slip from shadow to shadow under cover of night, so maybe that's just my thing.

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Grow a pair.