Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Newsflash: If you tell me you're funny, you already suck

Imagine a friend sets you up with some dude. When you ask what he looks like, your friend can't even remember, probably because there is absolutely nothing about his colorless appearance that distinguishes him in any way from the 6 billion other people walking around. He's blander than cardboard dipped in liquefied brown rice.

But you can get beyond looks and so you agree to a phone conversation that could potentially turn into a date if he dazzles you with his personality.

The dude calls you up and for a few seconds seems normal, even coherent, besides the fact that he speaks about himself in third person and goes on and on about his childhood for the first 20 seconds of your conversation, and has a terrible habit of repeating stupid shit he's already said. You decide to let it slide assuming maybe he's a poor planner and didn't know what the fuck to say.

Before you have even had a full minute to decide how this person comes across, he informs you that he is funny, and lets on that he has Humor Bloggers Disease, the bloggers' STD of self-flattery usually based on the number of morons they can get to click on a banner in their ugly-ass sidebar. In mere seconds, his lexical frying pan just killjoyed your disappointed face.

Now that he has prematurely publicized his funniness, thereby insulting you by assuming you lack the wherewithal to decide what funny consists of, every single thing that now comes out of his unmemorable pie hole is examined with unmitigated scrutiny. This then renders whatever would have been even remotely funny no longer fucking funny at all.

Three fat jokes, one Muslim joke, one Mexican joke, and one retard joke later and you tell him:

You know what?









And you hang up the phone.

75 comments:

  1. Have you read the comment section of his blog? It's a weird sub culture of douchiness over there. I had no idea that many people found such blatant non-humor funny.

    But then again he has triple the number of followers i have on google which I guess just means that I need to start courting Douches more.

    And who knew there was a female version of douche bag man?

    Seems all his female readers are just like him. I think you call those chicks massengills.

    Hahah, Yeah the folks over at mind of spaz can take that joke and run with it.

    I don't want the copyright.

    I just wanted to add that I do a lot of offensive stuff on my blog but I don't think it comes across the same way. But maybe I am just fooling myself.

    ReplyDelete
  2. He looks like the kind of guy that would belch in your face as a way to come on to you.

    And what's with all the "balls" references? Lame..

    ReplyDelete
  3. Another Maddox wannabe.

    Can I go back to eating my own vomit now?

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  4. I'm funny. Oh, and I figured out who you are finally, Madame.

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  5. I believe a number of the people posting comments on his site are other members of "humor bloggers dot com."

    According to their website, they have your funny.

    Who knew?

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  6. Just count then number of typos in these two sentences. Waaaay over the limit:

    So he fixed my furnace so quickly and efficiently I barley even noticed that he hasn’t washed his jumpsuit or himself since Allah parted the red seas. Or made the seas red with the blood of the infedels.

    If the writer can't be bothered with the basics, I won't bother to read.

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  7. I think I dated that guy once. I need another shower just thinking about it.

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  8. Fuck...a typo in my comment about typos...THE not THEN.

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  9. Once I was desperate enough to place a person ad. One of the guys who responded spoke of himself in the third person, "Sven likes to work out." Yes. Sven. He spoke of his antics with his son in the third person too, "Sven and little Sven like to work out."

    I never met him face to face. Only the queen gets to use the third person.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Having read more of this asshole, I think you were to gentle on him. As a mother of a child that he would call a retard, I hate him. As a person who's not skinny, I hate him more. What a fucking asshole.

    Really, there should have been more blood. Where's the blood?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Making fun of obesity can be funny. Telling racist jokes can also be humorous. But it takes a certain touch and a modicum of intelligence that Spaz couldn't begin to glimpse with a high powered NASA telescope.

    I couldn't get past his not being able to differentiate between "there," "their" and "they're." And when he spelled dude "dood," I couldn't read any more because I had already cut my eyes out of my own head.

    But Romius is right, the single most disturbing thing I found is the number of people who leave comments who seem to genuinely think this waste of carbon is funny.

    Madame, I understand Spaz isn't worth your time, but you still let him off easy.

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  12. I'm disturbed by the stupiding of America. When did this happen, exactly? Or, have we always been this dumb?

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  13. There is no amount of stupidity left in this country that could surprise me at this point.

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  14. "Or, have we always been this dumb?
    "

    My guess is that we have always been this dumb. Just in previous generations, the dumb stayed local. Now we're able to spray our stupid globally with little expenditure on our part.

    The Internet -- the real world test of the "infinite number of monkeys on an infinte number of typewriters with infinte amounts of free time" premise.

    So far, damn little Shakespeare.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm with Daddy Files on that whole, it-takes-intelligence-to-tell-fat-jokes thing. Because let's face it, sometimes it's funny.

    More importantly, I want to light this guy's blog on fire.

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  16. Fuck that, I want to light him on fire. That, at least, might be interesting for 13.6 seconds.

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  17. You know, I'm wondering if the reviewer here liked my shitty blog, if you all would agree?

    Regardless, that was an awesome review. Just what I was going for.

    Thanks Ask And Ye Shall Receive. At least one of us got a smile today!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Please, the 'stupiding' of the world. You'll find stupid everywhere, not just from sea to shining sea.

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  19. Mike, quit pondering total impossibilities.

    Jesus you peeps are blood thirsty. I suppose I should have started a whole new chapter of this post that started after hanging up the phone entailed most certainly more blood and definitely fire. Well, that is if this fucker didn't live in Canada.

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  20. 'AND entailed' ...whatever you get it.

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  21. I have to agree that stupiding is a global phenomenon.

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  22. I think it's awesome that you all can hate a person so much after reading just a few blog posts!

    As if I actually did or said anything like what I say or do in my shitty blog.

    Hey! You said the word retard! Rip his limbs off!

    I'm pretty sure some of my stupidity is spread around here too, huh?

    ReplyDelete
  23. I always agree with the reviewer. but of course I got mad love.

    Not that I am rubbing that in or anything, or suggesting to you that I also write fat jokes, so I think that the reviewers actually love fat girl jokes, mostly because they are the kind of girls that volunteer to be participants in that gross degrading porn (that I am sure Mike never watches) by himself, in the basement , of his mother's cottage, messing with the ancient rabbit ears on a 16 inch portable b&w television, that's propped up on sofa cushions, he underneath his grandmothers quilt, nervously peeling back the covers to expose himself, just in case his step-cousin walks in to the flapping, and then he can jizz himself on the floor, and have his pet raccoon lick his spilled seed off the bare cement floor, the raccoon thus poisoned by the toxic effects of Steve's man goo wanders off into the night to disturb mike's neighbor's trashcans in the hopes of finding antibiotics or spilled medications or at perhaps a used prescription that he might trick some unsuspecting druggist to reuses, all in the vain hope that the nervous disease that now inflicts the raccoon will be managed by left over pills, or packets of mustard...which we all know will do nothing for the raccoon and we should just hope that the raccoon will see this, we hope that the raccoon will decide to live out his final moments with some dignity, but I think we are too late for such things...

    ReplyDelete
  24. I go to your site, Mike, and the first thing I see is "You can all…go suck on my biggest ball."

    This is not interesting or funny to more than 0.002 percent of the humor seeking population.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Um, Mike? I thought you were busy fucking yourself.
    And you, Madame, thank you for getting straight to the point.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Mike, I think it's awesome that you're trying to dismiss your blog as nothing when you took the time to submit for review! Well done!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I would like to clearly state to all involved that this comment means nothing. Really. Seriously. Don't read a think into it.

    ReplyDelete
  28. ...or a thing.
    Whatever.
    Really.
    Nothing.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Dood,

    Mike, you submitted your site for review. You are clearly seeking acceptance and validation. But that's OK. Hell, I submitted my blog for review a couple months ago and if they rip me, I'm going to be hurt. Dismayed. Possibly even melancholy.

    I want these people to like me. And so do you. But you have to own that shit. You can't hide behind the "Well I say stuff on my blog that I wouldn't ordinarily say in real life" mentality. That is bullshit. Never put anything in writing that you wouldn't cop to in real life. For if you do, you are a fraud. A fat fraud. A fat retard Mexican fraud who says "dood."

    And really, who wants that?

    ReplyDelete
  30. Mike...these bloggers are so fun to mess with...don't take it all so seriously. Play their game. Oh here, I'll do it for you...

    Let's see, hmmm, oh, I know, I'll go out and read some of their blogs and write some random choice comments about them just like they do about you. Here, let's see:

    “Today I raked the center aisle of our barn” --Now there’s a riveting subject from one of their main peeps…

    One of them has a bunch of html spewed across their post that they didnt didn’t bother to correct. Maybe Dan Brown can write a novel deciphering their drivel…

    One of their main bloggers has two posts about Wells Fargo in the last six posts…two! I shit you not… Oh, and they’re obviously highly qualified with a blog opinion because they posted once in August, twice in September, and now three times in October. Honey, at the rate you're going, you’ll get carpal tunnel in the year 2525 (omit cheesy sixties music in background).

    Another of their main assembly has a blog so depressing and angst I had to go to YouTube and listen to “It’s a Small, Small World” to counterbalance my equilibrium again.

    A few of them have “private” blogs. Thank God…

    See, Mike, how easy this stuff is? Seriously, I doubt they could write comedy either...and let's all celebrate that they don't try.

    I laugh...they do some decent reviews here but they're not good at some genres because, well, they really just don't get them. That's ok... until they review one like they think they get it.

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  31. Shut up bitch.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Actually, the only validation here I was looking for was for my own.

    After reading this blog, I said to myself "these guys are going to hate me for sure"

    And I was right!

    Thank you to all the Ask and ye shall receive zombies that are just keeping me entertained. I'll keep checking back here until you move onto the next.

    Thanks again guys.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Oh, and please do keep up the personal insults. I find that the most entertaining.

    Thanks again!

    I'll let you know when my post is up so you can come give me some hate comments!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Now these comments you're leaving...

    they're funny!

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  35. Now these comments you're leaving...

    they're funny!

    ReplyDelete
  36. Now these comments you're leaving...

    they're funny!

    ReplyDelete
  37. (because really, things are funnier in threes)

    ReplyDelete
  38. VE:

    Wow. I think you've nailed it. People don't like Mike's blog because WE'RE not sophisticated enough. Our sense of humor hasn't evolved to the point where we can appreciate high-brow humor that involves "back boobs," "poo," and Mexican retards. I mean really, you can't even begin to tackle that stuff without an advanced degree.

    Thanks for clarifying that for everyone.

    And Mike: me thinks the Spaz doth protest too much. If you didn't care, you wouldn't come back here to comment repeatedly.

    ReplyDelete
  39. And now I think it is YOU who nailed it, Daddy.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Actually Daddy, I came back because of people like

    Rominus T.
    Mutha
    Love Bites
    Bellicose
    Gap
    Mongoliangirl
    Don Mills

    Etc.

    If the personal attacks and vague negative generalizations weren't there, I'd have nothing here to entertain myself.

    As a matter of fact, the only person that has a modicum of rational intelligence is you, daddy. And that makes for very little entertainment value for me.

    The Ask zombies may or may not make for entertainment value to the point of the idiots of P.E.T.A and the vegetarians. We'll see ;)

    ReplyDelete
  41. So, let me get this straight, Mike. You submit your blog to be reviewed by people you think are idiots and have no respect for. Is that how it goes? Could it be that you started feeling that way upon getting a negative review?

    Fucking whiny bitches.

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  42. Your attention to detail is all there isn't it? I hope you don't work in the health care field.

    I expected this outcome and you are entertaining me. If you were intelligent you'd stop actually replying to me here and I would go away.

    Get with it, woman ;)

    ReplyDelete
  43. Oh VE, I'm hurt...really...because I obviously take this way more seriously than the reviewee (who's commented way more than me). Oh, and I've been reviewed by this site about 2 years ago...got a favorable one too. So go eat a bag of dicks, funny man.

    ReplyDelete
  44. You called me intelligent. Mike the Spaz singled me out as the smart one. YES!!!! My mom has always told me I'm smart but until you mentioned it just now, I was on the fence. You hear that Rom, LB and Gap? You dumb shits. Mike says I'm wicked fucking smart and dammit, that means something.

    I'm so calling my mom and telling her she was right all along. Thanks Mike. I totally take back all that shit I said before. We cool?

    ReplyDelete
  45. Eek. I didn't know so many people hated the Spaz blog..

    Our whole class at school read it each time it is updated. We're not particularly dumb (we're the accelerated class) but we do like to be very immature.

    It's not written the best, the jokes are not the best, but it has made a few 'in-jokes' in our class and when we get bored we get to talk about Spaz.

    Whether it's smart, politically correct, teaches us morals, is written well, does not affect how much it entertains us.

    It's an entertaining blog and we like it.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Thanks Daddy! You've redeemed yourself as entertaining!

    Atta boy.

    Your attention to detail is just as sharp as Madame Bellicose, I see ;)

    ReplyDelete
  47. You know, I think I'm going to start using winky faces. Am I the angsty blogger VE refers to? I hope so. I've been all kinds of angsty lately.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Okay, one question.... Does being a member of a network, such as "Funny Not Slutty" network count as telling people you are funny, if you have the network's badge on your blog?? Just wondering and working to "improve the blogosphere" over here. :)....Seriously sometimes I'm not even funny...maybe I should remove the thing.

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  49. Mike, you're the kinda annoying guy whose presence on my path would make me want to take the long way home just to avoid you. God, you're tiring.

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  50. Gap, you're the kinda gal that doesn't flush because you figure your refuse smells like freshly baked cinnamon buns and it'll freshen the house up, aren't you?

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  51. Mike,

    Do us all a favor and off yourself. That would be mildly interesting. Your spastic kneejerks to the anticipated ass rending got old a while ago.

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  52. Mike...I'm just drawing a conclusion based on a little evidence - whereas you're really not that funny.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Susan is so nice that I can't tell if she just cussed someone out or not.
    But she did make me think I would like to have a blog badge that says, "Slutty".
    It'll never happen. Mostly because I'm usually too busy being a complete slut with my husband.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Mongoliangirl's Mama10/27/2009 9:16 AM

    Slut!

    ReplyDelete
  55. Love Bites -

    You guys keep on replying. The smart people would just ignore me already, thereby depriving me of my entertainment and I would just go away. Like you say you want but you must not!

    ReplyDelete
  56. Gap

    I have as much evidence as you do. So I'm an annoying asshole and you think your shit doesn't stink.

    That's the way it is, eh?

    ReplyDelete
  57. Okay...remember I "ride the short bus"....Does that mean I supposed to remove the darn blog badge or not? I'm seriously asking for advice....isn't that what this site is for?? ......Maybe not. Well, I used my "good judgement" and removed it.

    ReplyDelete
  58. "My shit" has nothing do with your being annoying and immature. It also has nothing to do with your ability to write, either. According to you, an intelligent person would respond to chronic irriation by ignoring it. By that logic, people with a brain should just stop swatting flies and mosquitoes.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Susan, leave it up if you want it up there. If you like it, if it's important to you, put it on your blog.

    But a badge like that is a contradiction of itself, because the badge is not funny, it's a way of whoring yourself out.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Gap

    That review also had little to do with my ability, or inability to write. If I may state the FAQ section, and this I find most amusing of all:

    "It is our goal to give bloggers solid, constructive feedback on their blogs"

    I didn't know that meant assumptions, generalizations, and personal insults based on a blog that is entirely fiction. But this is why I submitted because I was expecting it from Ask, and the reviewers didn't disappoint. That was my validation. I would have been very disappointing to get anything less than that. Oh, and the 'ask sub culture of zombies' is too much fun to let go until you all completely ignore me.

    So, to this point, thanks for all the fun, eh? My 'douchey friends' are also enjoying all this anger and bitterness coming from all of you Ask Zombies. I hope I get more until the next review goes up!

    So from me, and from them, I give a hearty thanks.

    Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  61. Well I thought my critique was very constructive: improve your boring ass design, quit repeating yourself and talking in third person like a dumbfuck, quit telling people your funny and quit being a dick.

    ReplyDelete
  62. And ya know, that is not...too...much...to...Ask, MB.

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  63. That's real sweet Mike, your dedicatio and all. But your logic is that of a 13 year old boy with an unrequited hardon...but it's sweet Mike. Real sweet.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Mike, stop being a bitch. No, really, you're being a bitch. Stop it.

    VE: Awwwwww, you remember me! Sadly, I fear that you have been waiting for me to slip up for months just so you could lay your vengeance down upon me. Stop being a bitch. No, really, you're being a bitch. Cut it out.

    Gap: Kisses.

    ReplyDelete
  65. Mike,

    I think the constructive feedback was "off yourself." I understand that you are predeceased by your grammar skills, writing style and any semblance of a sense of humor, but maybe you'll be reunited in the after life.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Isn't funny how all the kids picked on in school who whined and cried because they were different have now got there own click.You a are all nothing but a cheap knock of of the Simpson's comic book guy, you all sit there on your little pedastools (probably watching anime porn)thinking you are so suporior to others in your little uber world, why dont you all take your falbby pastey bodis out and get a life for fuck's sake intead of eating your cheetos and whacking off! As for spas we who get it love it and for the dumbass's who have to resort to such childish highschool terms as "go fuck yourself"rember they say that because they couldnt get laid from the crackwhore down the street.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Thank you, Rassles, for addressing my concern. I can see what you mean, though I never thought of it that way before.

    Mike-
    Relax. Move on. So they didn't like it. Big wup. You obviously do... and your friends do, that's what matters, right???
    As a nurse...I'm prescribing a "chill pill."

    ReplyDelete
  68. Oh, and one more thing...to "bite me", Mike an anyone else who wants who wine and complain....if you don't like this site and the humor on it..DON'T READ IT!!!
    Yes, they say some cruel stuff....yes, they can be mean...sometimes they give constructive critism...sometimes not...get over it..get over yourself...read or don't, but SHUT UP ALREADY!

    ReplyDelete
  69. Dear Bite Me,

    A word of advice: Webster's.

    HIF

    ReplyDelete
  70. Bite me, I read your first post and I gotta tell you, I loved your story about the cops. I'm going back for some more.

    However, your friend Mike is a still a whiney little baby.

    ***

    ky, kisses back.
    PS. your writing is fading from Maui's photos. :(

    ReplyDelete
  71. Dear Ask Zombies:

    Thank you for your continued entertainment. We love it!

    Your friend

    Whiny Little Baby.

    ReplyDelete
  72. Bite Me,

    Wow. That was truly a stunning display of stupidity. Congratulations. You just made Mike look like a Mensa candidate.

    ReplyDelete
  73. What a lovely cornucopia of bullshit this has turned out to be. But you have sparked a few random thoughts.

    1. I think I want a badge on my blog that states that I am in the "Slutty not Funny" circle. Anyone care to join me?

    2. What in the name of fuckfire is a "pedastool?" An alternative name for a hassock? A child's turd?

    3. I am disappointed that I was not personally attacked by Mike/Spaz. I'm clearly doing it wrong.

    4. Standup comedy is really really really hard. People tell me all the time how funny they think I am, but here's the thing. I can only be funny sometimes and I can never ever force it. Or else it comes out not funny and desperate. Which is why I am not a standup commedian. Or a humor blogger.

    5. I think that there's a Aesop's Fable being acted out for us. The fox and the grapes, I believe. No, this is not story time. If you want to know, fucking Google it.

    6. I think mouse is really cool. He/she admits that Spaz is immature, but that is what appeals to his/her demographic. That is awesome self awareness. I am truly impressed. (Seriously.)

    ReplyDelete
  74. At this point I would like to redirect the conversation to hot girl fights.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.