Friday, February 06, 2009

I Wish This Fucking Day Would End

This isn't his first time guest reviewing here at Ask. Ghost of Keywork, lovingly referred to as Gok around these parts, probably finished having any firsts about the time he was fifteen. According to his mom he's a whore, but whores of a feather flock together and somehow he crossed starry paths with our favorite hooker and they'll be heading down the aisle pretty soon to make it official. Sure he's gone private, but if you want to get a load of the goods, you might want to ask nice and bring lots of lube. - Miss Missives

Hello, I believe we all know who I am. I won't lie, this review is rather short and to the point. I don't know anyone like today's blogger, and after reading his blog, I'm glad. Really, it is that bad. Before I dig into my next victim, go here and have a laugh. Because there is absolutely no humor to be found anywhere at A Day In The Life. Monday's post was the closest that you came to making me contemplate laughter. Seriously, dude, you've been going at this since 2003. Obviously, blogging is not your thing, stick to graphic design. I have friends that work in your field, and they are, for the most part, funny. Entertaining even. I wish they would blog. Sadly, they don't, and you do. Thanks. Ok, let us get to your journal. Tell you what, let me show the good people why you should never post again.


Exhibit A: Enthralling!


Exhibit B: Captivating!


Exhibit C: Oh, Fuck, I Can't Fake It Anymore.


Look, I'd love to know what you did yesterday, but you can't be bothered to give me any fucking details. So, fuck you. No, really, fuck you. Your template is pathetic. So is mine, but my writing more than makes up for it. The only thing your writing does is make everyone feel better about their writing. Again, you have been getting away with this spineless shit for a few years now. Stop. If you want to put your spin on the news, then fucking put your spin on it. I don't want to waste any more time than I already have, so I'm going to lay it down right now:

If I were on fire, burning to death, and you had more than enough water(I'm likening your blog to life-giving water) to extinguish me, I would pay you to take your water(blog) and go fuck yourself. I would rather die in an entertaining fashion than run the risk of living after being exposed to your boring fucking water(blog). Seriously.

Oh, get rid of the ads, shorten up your blog roll, fix your goddamned archives, and hire someone else to write for you. Here are two things that I will now address, from your blog:

This. Yeah, God really has it in for you. Look, a funny raccoon post. What? My blog is being reviewed by a dead raccoon? Fuck. Yeah, you didn't do yourself any favors by posting that lolcoon. The post was fine without it.

And this. What, I didn't link anything? That's right, I didn't. On your blog, you have a link that I can click on to donate money for 'all the work you do around here'(referring to your blog, I assume). This was the icing on your boring cake of a blog.

Please, cut off all your fingers and stay away from the internet. Can we make that a new rating?

99 comments:

  1. I love the talking flowers. Seriously.

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  2. I'm glad you went easy on him.

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  3. Well, yeah. I really wanted to tear into him, but in the end, my restraint and decency prevailed. Stupid manners.

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  4. That pearl necklace and sweater set looks great on you, GoK (aka Miss Manners). But next time, remember: a lady never crosses her legs, just her ankles.

    As for the blog, turkeys are just terrifying, so I had to click away really fast. But not fast enough to avoid seeing the shit ton of ads he's pimped himself out for.

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  5. "Hello, I believe we all know who I am."

    No, I don't actually. But I can tell you are an arrogant lout who relies more on aggressive language than compelling thought.

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  6. For all the advice you give the whole bleeding world, your blog sometimes gets a little frustrating. One can't find a review of a certain blog without delving deep into the archives and sifting thorugh months of reviews painfully.
    If I needed to browse tagwise: there aren't easily accessible tags either.

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  7. I hate when people make "scathing" remarks behind the cloak of anonymity.

    This review is awesome but also frightening.

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  8. Ghost -

    I don't usually pay mind to "Anonymous" but:

    "No, I don't actually. But I can tell you are an arrogant lout who relies more on aggressive language than compelling thought."

    I do believe this one just called you an idiot.

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  9. GoK, you mean you don't like cute pictures of raccoons? Even raccoons that have recently bitten off some manbits?

    Well, there goes my next post.

    I think I've got a picture of a wallaby around here somewhere...

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  10. Gok, you got called an arrogant lout, that's the equivalent of him? slapping you across the face with his? buttersoft leather gloves. A little gay no?

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  11. Yeah, I'm not impressed. I reviewed a blog. That's all I did. If you want to make it personal, be someone, anonymous.

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  12. For all the advice you give the whole bleeding world, your blog sometimes gets a little frustrating.

    We only give the advice we're asked to for.

    One can't find a review of a certain blog without delving deep into the archives and sifting thorugh months of reviews painfully.

    You say this like I should give a shit.

    If I needed to browse tagwise: there aren't easily accessible tags either

    Again...what gives you the impression that this blog is about your needs?

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  13. To be clear:

    We haven't asked for your advice, Anonymous.

    This blog isn't about you, anonymous.

    We do this for our own amusement. It's about US. If you choose to tag along and enjoy the party, great. If you choose to ram your head between your ass to locate your brain, that's great, too.

    Either way, don't really give a shit what you do.

    Hope that clarifies.

    And yes, I am a fucking bitch, if there were any questions in that regard.

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  14. Who says "arrogant lout"? You created perfect image for me there, Formerly Fun. It's like I stepped into a Delorian tricked out with a flux capacitor and travelled back to the days of yore.

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  15. Nobody has said anything about the fucking flowers. I'm disappointed, to say the least.

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  16. Ok, the flowers are funny but after googling cake farts, I was afraid to click on anything you linked to.

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  17. Actually, that is a very logical reply to my comment, Love Bites.

    It does make sense: you do only give advice when it is asked for.

    You guys didn't ask for advice. So i take that back. tag along and enjoy the party, it is.

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  18. Hey now, it's not so crazy that someone would say 'arrogant lout.' They're good words, you know, from back when we had broader vocabularies and all. What I wouldn't do is use them together and throw them at Gok. Arrogant, sure, why not? I happen to love and respect a little arrogance now and then. But lout? I think not.

    Oh, and I like the flowers, can't stomach the blog, can't be bothered with folks who hide behind 'anonymous.'

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  19. Apparently you can be bothered with folks who hide behind 'anonymous', otherwise you would have kept your dumb fuck mouth shut about it.

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  20. 'Dumb fuck mouth shut'

    Harsh. Retarded, but harsh.

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  21. You know what, you're right, GirlGriot. Thanks for the reminder that archaic words are words, too. I think I was just overzealous in my defense of GOK. Despite the fact that I'm sure my defense is not needed. I'm going to find a way to use the word "lout" today to make up for my mockery of it.

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  22. I enjoyed both of your responses, ladies. Thank you.

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  23. How about using it in this manner:

    "I make it a habit to lick a lout's ass whenever he writes a barrel of lame shit."

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  24. The only lame barrel of shit here is the blog I had to review. So, anon, you must be Sornie himself or his lone reader. How does boring ass taste?

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  25. Shall we have a little tit for tat, anonymous? Since I don't, actually, have a dumb fuck mouth, I've no issues about when, where or how to open it. Perhaps you should look to your own? (I thought you'd agreed to "tag along and enjoy the party," by the way.)

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  26. "(I thought you'd agreed to "tag along and enjoy the party," by the way.)"

    That was a different anonymous. That anonymous is a pussy. I'm a cunt.

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  27. Well "Fuck you" was rather unimaginative but it was my visceral response to your moronic comment. Honestly, I'm done dealing with such a coward.

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  28. I love how someone without a set to call his own, can tell someone they have a dumb fuck mouth.

    Man up, Anony.

    We go from calling someone an arrogant lout to acting like an arrogant lout.

    Perfection!

    The one thing I've always hated about this place, is all the fucking ball sucking babies. ;)

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  29. Wait, ball sucking babies are frowned upon here? Fuck.

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  30. See? Now there is the trouble with being anonymous. You get confused for the other spineless, sniveling cookie eaters.

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  31. i AM enjoying the party.
    oh the woe of being nice anonymous when there's a stupid anonymous lurking around at the same time.

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  32. Well then, nice anonymous, STOP being anonymous. We can't distinguish you from the asshole.

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  33. It's a sad day indeed when assholes can't be distinguished.

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  34. Indeed, it is. I weep for undistinguishable assholes.

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  35. Anonymouses: For the sake of all that is good for fucking, if you're going to be leaving comments make them interesting. You're both going halvsies.

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  36. And GoK: This was a crap ass review. You're losing your zing. I want more insults next time, and angry sexual analogies.

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  37. Helpful Hannah2/06/2009 1:04 PM

    Anonymous, you can select the option of "name/url" under "choose an identity," and just make up a standard nickname to use on here. And, there is no URL requirement to post a comment here.

    That might help us distinguish between aight Anonymous and wanker anonymous.

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  38. Rass: go read a few of this guy's posts and tell me how funny you feel afterward.

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  39. Aunt Chilada2/06/2009 1:06 PM

    Also, isn't it time for you people to choose an identity? It's not like you're middle-school-aged Indian emo kids, or anything.

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  40. Helpful Hannah2/06/2009 1:08 PM

    Or the asshole anonymous could just as easily use your chosen nickname.

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  41. What if bad anonymous and good anonymous got together and made little baby anonymouses, who will grow up to be neither bad, nor good. the terrible chant of
    bastard
    bastard will follow them everywhere.
    Father's name: anonymous.
    but they are neither bad, nor good. So they don't react.
    They go on with life, listlessly,anonymously.

    I'm ugly anonymous.

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  42. Archaic language, hmm?

    Good day, sir.

    I SAID GOOD DAY!

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  43. rass: I haven't lost my zing. I keep it in between DPH's legs.

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  44. I thought you laid your zing out on my chest last time? Huh...

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  45. A day without Key's zing is a day without a warm wet gooey spot.

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  46. Right you are. Maybe I have lost my zing. Either way, I think I shall take on the new title of Lord Keywork.

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  47. The only problem I have with this review is in the comments...

    The only lame barrel of shit here is the blog I had to review. So, anon, you must be Sornie himself or his lone reader. How does boring ass taste?

    I, unlike some people (ahem, anonymous) always own up to my boring bullshit and calling me out as posting as anonymous takes some actual balls which your review lacked. I get it, you didn't like anything on my blog. I put myself out there for people to rip the hell out of. I call it my own little contribution to being your personal punching bag for the day. I actually liked the review, though and will take the advice to be more harsh like you.

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  48. It would be easier to take you seriously if you were the Dread Lord Keywork.

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  49. Nice bending over, Sornie. I guess the first ass fuck wasn't enough for you.

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  50. I am turned on Anonymous. Dumb fuck mouth? Tell me that didn't make something tingle.

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  51. So anonymous is one of your readers. Thanks for clearing that up. Clearly, the review did bother you. Good. Kill that fucking thing with fire. Go full bore with that MinnPics thing, you should be getting paid for that blog. I actually want to visit Minnesota after seeing some of those pictures. But seriously, your writing is dull, lacking personality, full of 'ididthisthenthat', stop it.

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  52. Ah, the Dread Lord Keywork: a man who's primal lust for flesh is rivaled only by that of his consort, the Dread Pirate Hooker.

    Gypsy-Woman: Archaic language indeed.

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  53. "your blog sometimes gets a little frustrating. One can't find a review of a certain blog without delving deep into the archives and sifting thorugh months of reviews painfully."

    I agree with this comment. Is there an easy way to get to a soecific review?

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  54. Seriously, I gotta stop nerding out all the time.

    Natalie, at first I thought you were speaking some fancy moon language.

    "Soecific" review, or a "specific" review?

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  55. I actually like your nerding out.

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  56. Good call on the Dread Pirate Hooker.

    As you wish.

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  57. Rass, I though soecific was some word I don't know about, let's start using it to mean something, suggestions.

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  58. Soecifically, what is it anyone liked about this blog?

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  59. suggestion:
    how about we pretend soecific actually means specific.
    fun.

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  60. You know, I kinda agree about the not being able to find soecific (hah!) reviews. Do not shun me.

    But I am blogger-challenged, so I can't fix it.

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  61. soecifics=people who comment anonymously

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  62. Soecific sounds like the devil's language. Like maybe there's a record playing backwards and it's all "fuck your mother burn your tits off anus licker smegma face."

    Wait, what?

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  63. Cal, you just made me love you for fucking ever with that comment.

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  64. Cal,

    I'm open to suggestions. I will say that organizational skills are NOT my strong suit, as you all well know.

    Now, if arses need to be kicked, though, I'm your girl.

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  65. By the way, there is so much commenty goodness this week, my head is spinning. Does anyone want to volunteer to do the comment of the week thingie post?

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  66. LB: Maybe if there were a search bar thing at the top of the page people could type shit in like, "guest reviews" or whatever.

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  67. Cal, I think you mean, "fuvk ypur mothet byrn ypur titd off amus lickwr smegma face."

    (I just couldn't change "smegma face," because I'm going to start calling people that. Starting...now.)

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  68. Don't change the navigation of the blog. Stick to your guns.

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  69. My favorite is ass-faced whore (thank YOU, betsey). I just used it today, in fact. Twice.

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  70. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  71. Used to be a big fan of "cum-sucking road whore" but it got old.

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  72. Cock Gobbling Nut Muncher2/06/2009 2:30 PM

    How about Cock Gobbling Nut Muncher?

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  73. If anything Rassles, I would imagine the term became too accurate.

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  74. I'm still a huge fan of cock loving slut.

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  75. Oh, I'm so glad you caught that.

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  76. I'm getting sick of this anonymous person. Give him his IP,please.

    Appreciated.

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  77. Oh, i can do something better than that.

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  78. Anonymous idiot has been silenced.

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  79. but now I'll never know what "stde-lovler" means.

    It better mean "Biggest Fan of Teen Wolf Ever."

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  80. All hail the Dread Love Bites!

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  81. But isn't that letting the terrorists win?

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  82. I left for an hour and there's like 30 more comments. I regret that I couldn't be part of the hilarity.

    I am raising my little hand to say - Minnpics is really awesome. Beautiful photos.

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  83. GoK, if you visit us on the Tundra, wait till June. You can stay with me...I'm always looking for a willing slave...

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  84. LL Cool Jesus, I lose my internet connection for a couple of hours and I miss all the ass-faced whores and Teen Wolf references.

    It feels like not being there when your own child is born.

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  85. Checkout Freakshow with the detachable uterus. You truly are unique, Tits. Or high as fuck.

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  86. Ghost, well I do have Friday afternoons off of work... so it's anyone's guess.

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  87. Then I won't be asking you about what scientific loophole you found that allows a mother to be absent during her own child's birth. Cheezits?

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  88. I have some already. Thanks.

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  89. It's always the days I'm gone that the comments rock. Maybe someday I'll get to join in on the ass-raping of an annon.
    Until then, BB, please share how to detach myself from birthing. You could make a million, I'm sure.

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  90. I'm usually pretty disconnected to what is going on around me or coming out of me I guess...

    Life is just easier that way.

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  91. Ky, you're assistance is needed.

    See your email.

    meow

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  92. It wouldn't take me years of only a few comments a post to realize I sucked.

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Grow a pair.