Friday, February 06, 2009

I Wish This Fucking Day Would End

This isn't his first time guest reviewing here at Ask. Ghost of Keywork, lovingly referred to as Gok around these parts, probably finished having any firsts about the time he was fifteen. According to his mom he's a whore, but whores of a feather flock together and somehow he crossed starry paths with our favorite hooker and they'll be heading down the aisle pretty soon to make it official. Sure he's gone private, but if you want to get a load of the goods, you might want to ask nice and bring lots of lube. - Miss Missives

Hello, I believe we all know who I am. I won't lie, this review is rather short and to the point. I don't know anyone like today's blogger, and after reading his blog, I'm glad. Really, it is that bad. Before I dig into my next victim, go here and have a laugh. Because there is absolutely no humor to be found anywhere at A Day In The Life. Monday's post was the closest that you came to making me contemplate laughter. Seriously, dude, you've been going at this since 2003. Obviously, blogging is not your thing, stick to graphic design. I have friends that work in your field, and they are, for the most part, funny. Entertaining even. I wish they would blog. Sadly, they don't, and you do. Thanks. Ok, let us get to your journal. Tell you what, let me show the good people why you should never post again.


Exhibit A: Enthralling!


Exhibit B: Captivating!


Exhibit C: Oh, Fuck, I Can't Fake It Anymore.


Look, I'd love to know what you did yesterday, but you can't be bothered to give me any fucking details. So, fuck you. No, really, fuck you. Your template is pathetic. So is mine, but my writing more than makes up for it. The only thing your writing does is make everyone feel better about their writing. Again, you have been getting away with this spineless shit for a few years now. Stop. If you want to put your spin on the news, then fucking put your spin on it. I don't want to waste any more time than I already have, so I'm going to lay it down right now:

If I were on fire, burning to death, and you had more than enough water(I'm likening your blog to life-giving water) to extinguish me, I would pay you to take your water(blog) and go fuck yourself. I would rather die in an entertaining fashion than run the risk of living after being exposed to your boring fucking water(blog). Seriously.

Oh, get rid of the ads, shorten up your blog roll, fix your goddamned archives, and hire someone else to write for you. Here are two things that I will now address, from your blog:

This. Yeah, God really has it in for you. Look, a funny raccoon post. What? My blog is being reviewed by a dead raccoon? Fuck. Yeah, you didn't do yourself any favors by posting that lolcoon. The post was fine without it.

And this. What, I didn't link anything? That's right, I didn't. On your blog, you have a link that I can click on to donate money for 'all the work you do around here'(referring to your blog, I assume). This was the icing on your boring cake of a blog.

Please, cut off all your fingers and stay away from the internet. Can we make that a new rating?

71 comments:

  1. I love the talking flowers. Seriously.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm glad you went easy on him.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well, yeah. I really wanted to tear into him, but in the end, my restraint and decency prevailed. Stupid manners.

    ReplyDelete
  4. That pearl necklace and sweater set looks great on you, GoK (aka Miss Manners). But next time, remember: a lady never crosses her legs, just her ankles.

    As for the blog, turkeys are just terrifying, so I had to click away really fast. But not fast enough to avoid seeing the shit ton of ads he's pimped himself out for.

    ReplyDelete
  5. "Hello, I believe we all know who I am."

    No, I don't actually. But I can tell you are an arrogant lout who relies more on aggressive language than compelling thought.

    ReplyDelete
  6. For all the advice you give the whole bleeding world, your blog sometimes gets a little frustrating. One can't find a review of a certain blog without delving deep into the archives and sifting thorugh months of reviews painfully.
    If I needed to browse tagwise: there aren't easily accessible tags either.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I hate when people make "scathing" remarks behind the cloak of anonymity.

    This review is awesome but also frightening.

    ReplyDelete
  8. GoK, you mean you don't like cute pictures of raccoons? Even raccoons that have recently bitten off some manbits?

    Well, there goes my next post.

    I think I've got a picture of a wallaby around here somewhere...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yeah, I'm not impressed. I reviewed a blog. That's all I did. If you want to make it personal, be someone, anonymous.

    ReplyDelete
  10. For all the advice you give the whole bleeding world, your blog sometimes gets a little frustrating.

    We only give the advice we're asked to for.

    One can't find a review of a certain blog without delving deep into the archives and sifting thorugh months of reviews painfully.

    You say this like I should give a shit.

    If I needed to browse tagwise: there aren't easily accessible tags either

    Again...what gives you the impression that this blog is about your needs?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Who says "arrogant lout"? You created perfect image for me there, Formerly Fun. It's like I stepped into a Delorian tricked out with a flux capacitor and travelled back to the days of yore.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ok, the flowers are funny but after googling cake farts, I was afraid to click on anything you linked to.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Actually, that is a very logical reply to my comment, Love Bites.

    It does make sense: you do only give advice when it is asked for.

    You guys didn't ask for advice. So i take that back. tag along and enjoy the party, it is.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hey now, it's not so crazy that someone would say 'arrogant lout.' They're good words, you know, from back when we had broader vocabularies and all. What I wouldn't do is use them together and throw them at Gok. Arrogant, sure, why not? I happen to love and respect a little arrogance now and then. But lout? I think not.

    Oh, and I like the flowers, can't stomach the blog, can't be bothered with folks who hide behind 'anonymous.'

    ReplyDelete
  15. You know what, you're right, GirlGriot. Thanks for the reminder that archaic words are words, too. I think I was just overzealous in my defense of GOK. Despite the fact that I'm sure my defense is not needed. I'm going to find a way to use the word "lout" today to make up for my mockery of it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I enjoyed both of your responses, ladies. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  17. See? Now there is the trouble with being anonymous. You get confused for the other spineless, sniveling cookie eaters.

    ReplyDelete
  18. i AM enjoying the party.
    oh the woe of being nice anonymous when there's a stupid anonymous lurking around at the same time.

    ReplyDelete
  19. It's a sad day indeed when assholes can't be distinguished.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Anonymouses: For the sake of all that is good for fucking, if you're going to be leaving comments make them interesting. You're both going halvsies.

    ReplyDelete
  21. And GoK: This was a crap ass review. You're losing your zing. I want more insults next time, and angry sexual analogies.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Anonymous, you can select the option of "name/url" under "choose an identity," and just make up a standard nickname to use on here. And, there is no URL requirement to post a comment here.

    That might help us distinguish between aight Anonymous and wanker anonymous.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Rass: go read a few of this guy's posts and tell me how funny you feel afterward.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Also, isn't it time for you people to choose an identity? It's not like you're middle-school-aged Indian emo kids, or anything.

    ReplyDelete
  25. What if bad anonymous and good anonymous got together and made little baby anonymouses, who will grow up to be neither bad, nor good. the terrible chant of
    bastard
    bastard will follow them everywhere.
    Father's name: anonymous.
    but they are neither bad, nor good. So they don't react.
    They go on with life, listlessly,anonymously.

    I'm ugly anonymous.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Archaic language, hmm?

    Good day, sir.

    I SAID GOOD DAY!

    ReplyDelete
  27. rass: I haven't lost my zing. I keep it in between DPH's legs.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I thought you laid your zing out on my chest last time? Huh...

    ReplyDelete
  29. A day without Key's zing is a day without a warm wet gooey spot.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Right you are. Maybe I have lost my zing. Either way, I think I shall take on the new title of Lord Keywork.

    ReplyDelete
  31. The only problem I have with this review is in the comments...

    The only lame barrel of shit here is the blog I had to review. So, anon, you must be Sornie himself or his lone reader. How does boring ass taste?

    I, unlike some people (ahem, anonymous) always own up to my boring bullshit and calling me out as posting as anonymous takes some actual balls which your review lacked. I get it, you didn't like anything on my blog. I put myself out there for people to rip the hell out of. I call it my own little contribution to being your personal punching bag for the day. I actually liked the review, though and will take the advice to be more harsh like you.

    ReplyDelete
  32. It would be easier to take you seriously if you were the Dread Lord Keywork.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Ah, the Dread Lord Keywork: a man who's primal lust for flesh is rivaled only by that of his consort, the Dread Pirate Hooker.

    Gypsy-Woman: Archaic language indeed.

    ReplyDelete
  34. "your blog sometimes gets a little frustrating. One can't find a review of a certain blog without delving deep into the archives and sifting thorugh months of reviews painfully."

    I agree with this comment. Is there an easy way to get to a soecific review?

    ReplyDelete
  35. Seriously, I gotta stop nerding out all the time.

    Natalie, at first I thought you were speaking some fancy moon language.

    "Soecific" review, or a "specific" review?

    ReplyDelete
  36. I actually like your nerding out.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Good call on the Dread Pirate Hooker.

    As you wish.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Rass, I though soecific was some word I don't know about, let's start using it to mean something, suggestions.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Soecifically, what is it anyone liked about this blog?

    ReplyDelete
  40. suggestion:
    how about we pretend soecific actually means specific.
    fun.

    ReplyDelete
  41. You know, I kinda agree about the not being able to find soecific (hah!) reviews. Do not shun me.

    But I am blogger-challenged, so I can't fix it.

    ReplyDelete
  42. soecifics=people who comment anonymously

    ReplyDelete
  43. Cal, you just made me love you for fucking ever with that comment.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Cal,

    I'm open to suggestions. I will say that organizational skills are NOT my strong suit, as you all well know.

    Now, if arses need to be kicked, though, I'm your girl.

    ReplyDelete
  45. By the way, there is so much commenty goodness this week, my head is spinning. Does anyone want to volunteer to do the comment of the week thingie post?

    ReplyDelete
  46. LB: Maybe if there were a search bar thing at the top of the page people could type shit in like, "guest reviews" or whatever.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Cal, I think you mean, "fuvk ypur mothet byrn ypur titd off amus lickwr smegma face."

    (I just couldn't change "smegma face," because I'm going to start calling people that. Starting...now.)

    ReplyDelete
  48. Don't change the navigation of the blog. Stick to your guns.

    ReplyDelete
  49. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  50. How about Cock Gobbling Nut Muncher?

    ReplyDelete
  51. If anything Rassles, I would imagine the term became too accurate.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Oh, I'm so glad you caught that.

    ReplyDelete
  53. I'm getting sick of this anonymous person. Give him his IP,please.

    Appreciated.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Oh, i can do something better than that.

    ReplyDelete
  55. but now I'll never know what "stde-lovler" means.

    It better mean "Biggest Fan of Teen Wolf Ever."

    ReplyDelete
  56. All hail the Dread Love Bites!

    ReplyDelete
  57. But isn't that letting the terrorists win?

    ReplyDelete
  58. I left for an hour and there's like 30 more comments. I regret that I couldn't be part of the hilarity.

    I am raising my little hand to say - Minnpics is really awesome. Beautiful photos.

    ReplyDelete
  59. GoK, if you visit us on the Tundra, wait till June. You can stay with me...I'm always looking for a willing slave...

    ReplyDelete
  60. Checkout Freakshow with the detachable uterus. You truly are unique, Tits. Or high as fuck.

    ReplyDelete
  61. Ghost, well I do have Friday afternoons off of work... so it's anyone's guess.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Then I won't be asking you about what scientific loophole you found that allows a mother to be absent during her own child's birth. Cheezits?

    ReplyDelete
  63. I have some already. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  64. It's always the days I'm gone that the comments rock. Maybe someday I'll get to join in on the ass-raping of an annon.
    Until then, BB, please share how to detach myself from birthing. You could make a million, I'm sure.

    ReplyDelete
  65. I'm usually pretty disconnected to what is going on around me or coming out of me I guess...

    Life is just easier that way.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Ky, you're assistance is needed.

    See your email.

    meow

    ReplyDelete
  67. It wouldn't take me years of only a few comments a post to realize I sucked.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.