Monday, February 09, 2009

I do, I do, I do believe in fairies

It's probably wrong that the first thing I thought when I realized that Franco is Peruvian is "chicken." But, in fact, I have peruvian roast chicken leftovers from last week in the fridge today for lunch, and I'm totally looking forward to that chicken, because it is fucking good.

Anyway...enough about my neverending appetite.

Do you remember when you were oh so very young, and the world was filled with magic? Do you remember when you kept your thoughts locked in a tinkerbell diary underneath your bed?

Franco still lives there, in Cinderella's castle. Seriously. I'm not even exaggerating here, he has one of those tower rooms that you only get if you're an 8-year-old girl with money.

Actually, Franco is an 18-year-old Peruvian immigrant who currently resides in Atlanta, Georgia, and writes under his real name (tsk, tsk). I'm hoping that this never comes back to haunt you during future job interviews, Franco, when your employers learn that you "believe in fairies, magical creatures and magic." Franco, didn't your parents ever talk to you about internet safety? I'm guessing no.

Okay, so...here are some thoughts. I love the header image, it's adorable. However, I fail to see the connection between the header and most of your writing, to the degree that your header appears to be anachronistic.

I hate three column blog designs. They look too damn busy, and generally, the users of three column designs make sure they are packed to the gills with busy little gadgets and crap that only reinforces this problem. Franco is no exception to this three column junked up blog rule. First, we have Franco's "Posie" (I'm not sure if these are his personal flower children or if Franco has simply misspelled "posse.") Then, we have Franco's I-pod playlist, contact info, blogroll, and comic book links. On the far right column, we have Franco's "about me," a photo of some random place, a photo of a random key, a label cloud, a survey, and the archives.

As is almost always the case, the crap contained in these sidebars could be distilled down to a single column without impeding the blog's readability/maneuverability, at all. And, these items only serve to distract us from the content.

As far as the content...it appears that Franco is struggling with a blog identity crisis that is currently coinciding with his teenaged identity crisis. More than one blogger (even the teenage kind) has gone through this phase, including me, and at that point, blogging becomes a chore akin to pushing an obstreperous mule up a hill.

Most of Franco's entries don't work. For one thing, I don't read blogs that link to videos of cutesy children who've been overmedicated with laughing gas. However, some of his entries show what his blog COULD be if he perhaps were willing to walk away from his blog in its current incarnation and be anonymously real:
Dear Diary:
My parents are those kind of people who married the wrong person...
(click to read the rest)

Those kinds of entries, I'd read. Most of the rest is garbage of the kind that, in ten years, when you pull your tinkerbell diary out of the boxes that you'd stored in your parents' attic during your college/young adult years, and re-read it, you'll be deeply and painfully humiliated by your teenaged stupidity.

Don't do this to yourself, Franco. In particular, dude, don't do this to yourself using your real name.

My best advice to Mr. Rivermist is that he move from his present digs, establish himself in anonymity, and start writing, not about fairies, but about his life. You know, basically, the kind of thing that happens when people stop being polite and start getting real.*

Franco, you spend so much time in a fantasy world to avoid your real life, when your real life is tangible, compelling, interesting, and painful. Stop posting filler, and start documenting your life.

It's harder to be real than to believe in fairies...but in the long run, it's worth it. You'll see, when you get out there in the Real World.*

I give you a . You've been around these parts long enough than to know better than to submit your teenybopper fairy wonder diary to us.

39 comments:

  1. That chicken must be really tasty, this review was way too nice. Though I guess you did compare him to a tweenage girl, so there's that.

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  2. Oh, this story just keeps getting better. This is the same guy that deleted his entire blog, right? Fairies? Holy LL Cool Jesus, this is too easy. Maybe, Franco, you could put the bunny back in the hat.

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  3. Beating up Franco is uncomfortably akin to kicking the kid in the wheelchair, frankly.

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  4. The best part about this blog is that Ghost left a comment using the name of my favorite messiah,LL Cool Jesus about the review.

    I'm trying to find the brightside of everything today.

    I'm really stretching here.

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  5. Um, yeah, LB. Its also a lot like laughing at retards, the elderly, and the physically handicapped.

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  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  7. haha I agree 100%, well maybe 95% with what you said, I do know my blog is garbage (so is 99% of the blogsphere) as you were able to read is this post:
    http://riverexpress.blogspot.com/2009/02/blogsphere-is-shitty.html

    I was shockingly surprised of how nice you were (not a single bad word), I already know you hate 3 column templates, so I'm not gonna get into that.
    I am trying to shift my blog content towards more real life experience stuff, so there is hope.

    also I don't remember re-submiting my blog after my blog deleting accident, but whatever.

    ps: OUR CHiCKEN ROCKS

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  8. Am I the only one who had to go look up obstreperous?

    Good review for a not-so-good blog, LB (hope I can call you that, even though I'm still new around these parts.)

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  9. Franco - your comment annoys me for some reason. It's like you're amused by your own mediocrity. If you knew your blog was garbage why submit it in the first place?

    I don't even want to go and look at your blog now. Not because of the review but because of you trying to justify maintaining a shitty blog by saying "I do know my blog is garbage (so is 99% of the blogosphere)"

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  10. And now I feel like a heartless bully since you are all saying that picking on Franco is tantamount to picking on a retarded child.

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  11. gwen: well, I submitted my blog a long time ago, but my review got cancelled because I accidentally deleted my blog, I had no intention of resubmitting again beacuse it would just be the same, you suck, you design sucks blah, blah, blah, but i guess my review didn't get cancelled after all but just posponed.
    it would be very hypocrite of me to say that she's completly wrong, that my blog is insightfull, I'm not trying to justify my pointless blogging,I'm just acknowledging it, I blog shit, i agree, you agree, so what's the problem?

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  12. Looks like we have two teams here:

    Heartless Bully VS Retarded Child

    And I'm struggling to choose. But seeing as how Ghost is Team Capt. for the HB's, I'm probably relegated to Team Tard.

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  13. Tits, what you lack in basic functions, you more than make up for with verbal brutality. It would be a pleasure to hurt retards with you. First kick?

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  14. do we really have a teams? I mean a agree with the review, so I guess I'm whichever team LB is.

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  15. Franco - I'm not saying there's a problem. I didn't understand why you submitted your blog knowing it was shitty, but after seeing your explanatation there I suppose I get it. Are you saying that your original blog, the one that got deleted, was much better? Because if not, then my question is still valid. Anyway, you have as much a right as anyone to blog away at will. If it makes you happy, write your little heart out.

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  16. Franco - regarding your blog, there don't have to be teams.

    Regarding the comments section, there are usually teams.

    My advice, Franco, is that from here on out, only post things that you are proud of. Or deeply, deeply embarrassed about. That's all we ask.

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  17. haha, no my previous blog was shittier that the one I have before,I submitted just the fun of it.
    my blog only shows 10% of me, if you met me you would never guess I'm the fairy-believing kind, in person I'm very sweet & sour and negative, I just show that side because is's the funnest.

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  18. If your blog is representative of the funniest side of yourself you have to show, ouch.

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  19. Franco - you seem like a nice kid who doesn't take himself too seriously, which is always refreshing. I don't even mind that you believe in fairies, because it's quirky. And quirky, to me, is interesting.

    I bit the bullet and went and read one of your blogs. It just didn't capture my attention. It was a snoozefest. I can't pinpoint exactly why. I'm not an expert. I'm an amateur writer, too.

    But you are young, so I guess with time AND hard work you can become a better writer. But that's the key. You have to work hard at being a good writer, from what I've heard. Maybe you don't really care about the quality of your writing and you just want a place to vent and blow off steam. That's fine. But if you want to get better and if you're serious about writing, stop acting like you don't give a shit about how horrible your blog is. That's all I'm saying.

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  20. gwen: I'm not not really serious about writing...

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  21. Then do the internets a favor and stop writing. Also, MY CHICKEN ROCKS.

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  22. So then why the hell do you do it, Franco? Why waste your fucking time, and ours, by bothering to write a shitty blog? You know what? Never mind. I don't even want you to answer that because I'm just encouraging you to do more "writing".

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  23. I don't usually comment here and I am not usually a heartless bitch. That being said I feel compelled to criticize. Becaue Franco is young I rather understand some of his writing techniques. The run on sentences are way too much for me. It reminds me of getting laid in high school by my first husband, before we married. (hmmm what was I thinking to still marry him!) The technique is fast and wordy but lacking real content. After reading it I felt like I was being screwed by the Trix rabbit (aka my ex-husband). There is something beneath the surface but I feel like you are trying too hard. Perhaps to please yourself. Maybe his writing does remind me too much of my ex and that is why I did not enjoy it.

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  24. There is a REASON that people DON'T submit their blogs for review. (THEY SUCK) Excuses, excuses of why it sucks? Not necessary. Really. You think you got a bad review, so you try to make it look like you don't care? You care. Either that, or you've got sand in your vagina.

    And yeah, the reason I don't submit my blog? You have to know better, sometimes. Thank you very much.

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  25. J: sand in the CLIT. Jesus, give me your number so I can call you up every other minute and remind you to breathe. Kidding, J, don't fuck that up again. Oh, and Allie agrees with my stance on the Phelps Phiasco.

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  26. Christ, GoK. I know you're a Marine, and you do things differently (and better *insert eye roll here*) but in the ARMY they say VAGINA.

    God.

    Just ask DPH, she's had plenty of Army cock.

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  27. What I want to know is, why is no one talking about the bandana?

    He thinks we want to pick a fight with everyone who's not perfect. This is patently untrue. Perfection has nothing to do with it.

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  28. I don't think we care about perfection. I do think we care about EFFORT. You don't have to be perfect. You do at least have to TRY not to suck.

    Or, if you're going to suck, do it with all of your heart, your mind, and your tonsils.

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  29. I wish he would accidentally write something interesting.

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  30. Do you remember the Indian blogger who talked about killing his roommate, and we encouraged him to do so, in hopes that it might spice up his blog?

    Yeah. That would work here.

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  31. Wait, does he have a roommate?

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  32. Better yet, an imaginary sibling with a very real speech impediment.

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  33. Maybe he could just stalk and kill one of his blog minions in lieu of teaching them the proper use of ellipses.

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  34. Um, apparently he did it all for the nookie. Go look at his response.

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  35. One of Franco's loyal readers posts this on his blog: eh. Blog reviewing is BS. If you don't like it, don't read it! Silly people :-)

    Um, Tanya, you're kind of missing the whole point of a review. A review that Franco asked for. I need to stop reading the comments on these blog review reviews. My IQ drops a few points everytime I read one.

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  36. Yes, Gwen, it seems he is finally getting the 'wound licking' he was after.

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Grow a pair.