Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Black Celebration

Dear Nathan,

You are a tiny bit screwed today. A little because it’s St. Patrick’s Day and then again, because I’ve been solidly in the middle of purchasing Depeche Mode tickets while reading your blog. Mostly, you are screwed because Calamity could not do today’s review, and that placed you in my shiv-wielding reach.

The good news is that I got tickets, which could be a little of your own Personal Jesus. The bad news is that I can’t really afford them and that makes me irritable. Unfortunately, you also took one of my very favorite subjects and made it lame. Really? Zombies, you fucked up zombies?

Reach out and touch faith, Nathan.

Yeah, that just happened.

Sorry.

I had short notice, but I dug in and started with your ‘About Me’ (which should be like the Cliff's Notes for your blog):

Who Me? I'm a Location Manager for Movies, T.V. Shows and Commercials. I've worked all over the U.S. with a couple of forays into Canada since I started in the mid-80's. I'm also a wannabe writer. Sometimes, this is a Film-Crew blog. (Sorry, not too much dirt gets slung, since I'd like to remain employable.) It's not a Personal Diary. It's not a Humor-Blog. It's not a News-blog, a Political Blog, or especially a Mommy-Blog. It's the blog I decide it is on any particular day. If it's not the blog you want today, check back in tomorrow. Odds are it'll be something different by then. A couple of notes: I rarely watch my language here, so you've been warned. You may also feel free to respond accordingly. And I like comments...they prove somebody's out there. Don't wait for an invitation. Join right in.


Gee, Nate. Thanks for clearing it up. So then I looked at his ‘best of’ and it consisted of random quotes from other people that I’m guessing you had to be there to think is amusing.

I’m really glad that you tell us right up front that this is not a humor-blog. People are either funny or they aren’t. People who are funny can write about absolutely nothing and make you laugh. People who aren’t,shoot the breeze about Facebook while using LOL language.

Hey Nathan? Do me a favor. Just stop this shit. If you don’t have anything to say, then don’t say anything. When you do say something, you tend to be nit-picky, whiny and vague.

Great, I’m sick now. And, I’m sighing like my mother. Basically, you were a big, fat disappointment in the middle of my awesome day.

I’m just going to wrap this up with shit you should know if you’ve ever spent two minutes on this site, which I’m guessing you haven’t. Your giant header that means nothing is atrocious, you need to edit yourself (might help with the book too), eliminate your thought process from the posts, quit with the posting stupid pictures from other sites and don’t give promises of profanity unless you plan to deliver.

Oh, and grow a set, would you?

Love,
Betsey

P.S. Meh!

93 comments:

  1. Oh how dearly I love my Tits McGee!!!

    Badass review woman!

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  2. So, is this Corn King's brother?

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  3. DAMN, Nathan needs someone to scribble him to death with a red pen. Nobody can strangle a story with too many words like he has here. Unless maybe it's his retarded younger brother, Corn King.

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  4. He made zombies lame!

    How the hell is that even possible?

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  5. Tbe annoying thing about this blog is that this guy does have some stories to tell, and he buries them in like 12 million words.

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  6. And also, he took the awesome potential of zombies and made it tawdry and mundane. NO! Some things are sacred!

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  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  8. Let's try this again:

    A good percent of his blog was filled with a lot of nothing or was like wading through tar.

    Zombies are the most brainless, yet entertaining subject around.

    It's an art form to shit on that.

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  9. Basically, you were a big, fat disappointment in the middle of my awesome day.

    So glad I could be useful!

    (Edited for brevity)

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  10. Nathan,
    Being useful would be writing something worth reading.

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  11. C'mon Nathan, grow that pair and defend yourself! I need some entertainment this afternoon.

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  12. Nathan - I wanted to love your stories, but digging for the point gets tiresome.

    And I was channeling my mother. Don't worry, it heals with time and therapy.

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  13. "big, fat disappointment"

    with words like that, i cannot imagine why more people are not compelled to read classic children's fables about brain eating zombies.

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  14. Look, he's already changing! He edited his comment! Atta boy, big fat boring Nathan!

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  15. And, yet somehow that was disappointing too.

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  16. Way to take constructive criticism and run with it Nathan.

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  17. Nathan is being defended in his comments by Eric who has declared that I'm a faux goth with a zombie fetish.

    Wow, how transparent am I?

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  18. Nice review Booms, glad you stuck to a policy of truth.

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  19. Well, you're NOT goth, so maybe he's on to something. Today, Eric gets this: idiot.

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  20. Oh Miss, I had taken out the Policy of Truth line, how did you know?

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  21. I think Eric is actually begging in his comments to be reivewed here without actually submitting. We are actually passive agressive bullies because we make people sign up first before we kick 'em. Uh, sure. But he did use chicanery correctly so at least he'd get an I Fucking Love You for his vocabulary.

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  22. Betsey, the heart just knows. God, I want you now:)

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  23. I don't think there was much that could be considered passive aggressive in my review.

    Evidently, asking him to grow a set was not taken kindly? However, accurate it may be?

    It's just a question of time.

    Yeah, I did that.

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  24. Maybe they would have been happier if I referred to Mr. Kenny Loggins.

    Or Foreigner...

    Or Journey...

    Because I can do that to.

    Hey Nathan, don't stop believing.

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  25. He should rename his blog Poo(h)'s Corner.

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  26. As long as he keeps the Braveheart quote.

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  27. Hey, question for the masters and servants. I want to use shiv in a sentence, can I say shiving, as in

    "freedom from random shiving"

    is this an acceptable form of shiv?

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  28. Miss M, I'll say it's acceptable.

    Also, you should refer to yourself as "shiv master" as much as possible.

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  29. No, you have to say shanking.

    A shiv is the noun, to shank is the verb.

    Sorry to disagree with you, DPH.

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  30. so freedom from random shanking then?

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  31. Don't be sorry Tits, tell me I'm a window licker.

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  32. or perhaps,

    freedom from the random shiv shanking

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  33. You got it MM. Tell me? Are you writing for inmates now?

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  34. Freedom from the Grand Master Shankster.

    Rolls off the tongue nicely.

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  35. BB- My new beaus in prison and I just want to get it right. I wouldn'twant to offend his sensibilities by misusing prison jargon.

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  36. Prison jargon can be a bitch to tackle.

    Make sure to offer to keister stash any necessary supplies for him.

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  37. Hey Betsey,

    I can take whatever you tossed at me in the review. But now you've gotta start accusing me of Hair-Band mania.

    That's just hitting below the belt.

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  38. I think that Eric's psychobabble analysis of our site is way funnier than anything that Corn King has written in the past 3 years.

    There is nothing passive aggressive about what we do here. It's 123% aggressive.

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  39. Wow, the dude is prolific. The problem is there's a fine line between regular and sweet mother of god why did I eat that fourth bowl of Super Colon Blow?

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  40. Seriously, Eric must have missed my review last week.

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  41. Nathan, Loggins would kick you down the danger zone should you insinuate he's hair metal.

    Smooth rocker extraordinaire, soundtrack enthusiast, perhaps even a cohort of Winnie-the-Pooh, but never hair metal.

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  42. When do i get to be a guest reviewer?...

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  43. Between his "about me" section and the post from today I'm speechless... and wish he was too. I would love to know why his retarded brother is called the Corn King. What a wordy, wordy man.

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  44. I don't mind the header and layout seems ok, though it is a little crowded in the sidebar.

    I'm sorry to bang on about one post when there are so many others but the zombie stories really were quite bad.

    I didn't really understand the point behind them. They didn't have funny or even surprising punchlines or payoffs.

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  45. Thanks for a great review BB!

    I think it is kismet that you pointed out a boring post where he goes on and on just to make a point about the proper use of the word 'tertiary' and then gave him a ranking of 'MEH'.

    It's like you said, 'Hey Mongo! Don't waste your time. It's just some tertiary blog; not so important and easy to avoid.'

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  46. Man, that whole group of commenters (from Nathan's blog) is a bunch of whiny pansy asses. He's far better than his peers.

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  47. Nathan is infinitely more graceful than his readers.

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  48. I thought your response on the comments section of his blog was well written Love Bites.

    I noticed your reference to italk2much and confess that a smile did cross my face when I saw a good few months back that it been shut down.

    Nothing wrong with a review site (and I managed to get two from them!) but it certainly was a coven of acidic bile.

    Saying this though I did get a good 'internet' friend from it and the retaliatory exchanges were amusing when looked at again without the red mist.

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  49. Nathan took his review far better than his commenters for sure. He didn't even get that bad of a review. There have been far nastier reviews on here. By the way, I thought it was a good one Betsey.

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  50. Sorry, can't let this slide:

    Nothing says 'dark and gothy' like an apron maker with platinum blonde hair and surgically enhanced tits.

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  51. I'm rewriting stereotypes every day.

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  52. I'm making friends with Eric, he's a touchy fellow.

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  53. Ghost, you are nothing if not a modern-day Dale Carnegie, the ambassador of Ask to places far and wide in the vast and intricate digital dance of the blogosphere.

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  54. I think I just got a hard on.

    Thanks, LB, you know how I pride myself on my abilities as a diplomat.

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  55. I have to admit, I like the UCF wankers even less than I like the humor blogs folks.

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  56. Tourette's Cat writes:

    ...it became clear that that medium was largely taken over by a mostly unobtrusive cast of characters who made sure to spend a cute little part of every day visiting each other's islands and agreeing with everything being said. Together. Every day. Without fail. Until what developed was a herd of self-actualizing sycophants who repeatedly told each other how great and smart they all were, what a great writer everybody is, repeatedly reassuring each other that they A. Did the right thing B. Are a really good person or C. Were God damn right about everything.

    Having slain and de-balled every slow driver, spat coffee out on every available piece of technology because "you're just SO funny", and exploring every last aspect of the societal ramifications of being PMS, the blogosphere then decided - to repeat itself again. So another round of self-actualizing affirmations and fluid spitting ensued.

    And it continues unto today.


    Nathan syncophants, are you paying attention? He's talking about you, and you, and you.

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  57. Ask is really easy to explain: if you're clever and can take a punch, you'll probably love it here; if you're defensive and overly sensitive, you won't.

    And Eric? Well, he just can't... quite... get it.

    Just out of reach.

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  58. Very nice, LB. I left them a little bit of clarity. I'm still hopeful that we can look past our differences.

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  59. Also, NJ, you may want to go over there and assure the good people that you don't have a bleeding penis. I couldn't speak for you on the matter, I don't have the intel.

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  60. I'm pretty sure that my shitastic review is not worth the drama that ensued.

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  61. But Tits, it totally was worth it.

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  62. Oh, awesome. Did you see he's going to review the review.

    That's my favorite.

    I'm going to go poke my own liver.

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  63. You know when you do someone a favor and then it ends up with you in the hospital, hung-over and missing organs?

    Yeah, I feel like that.

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  64. A review of a review? Awesome.

    Well, for a guy who made zombies lame, this can't be much of a surprise, can it?

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  65. Evidently? I picked the wrong week to cut out the caffeine.

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  66. I'm excited about it. Really, I am.

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  67. Tits, I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

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  68. Perhaps I'll take it up for you, DPH.

    Seriously? What is the haps with the drama associated with this review?

    This is by far, one of the most tame reviews ever put out around here.

    What's with the angry villagers routine?

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  69. Booms, he personally attacked ZOMBIES! That's the problem.

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  70. LB, I think Tourette's was talking about US, or nearly every online community.

    It's like he's poking, with fire in his eyes. So great.

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  71. Yes, but we fight all the time, and burn each other in effigy, and mock each other's religious traumas and shit.

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  72. Well, because nothing is sacred.

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  73. Maybe that is our shared masturbatory blind spot.

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  74. You may be on to something there.

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  75. Y'all, it has been months since someone reviewed a review here. It's always good for some good clean fun.*




    *further opportunities for schadenfreude and mockery.

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  76. I wonder if Nathan will eventually turn off comments, or if he's self-aware to be embarrassed by his regulars. Only time will tell.

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  77. Oh, I think they drove right past 'embarassing our favorite blogger' and are headed straight for 'embarassing our parents'.

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  78. Dude, Nathan's commenters are like an organized group: UCF. And, one of their primary methods of enjoyment is attacking and baiting scientists who don't agree with their positions. They're the nerdy, verbose and boring version of us.

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  79. Thus, the idea that Eric, et. al, are attacking anyone for writing snarky blog reviews is HI-LARIOUSLY ironic.

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  80. I like how they're trying to bait me with their 'patriotic' and 'conservative' statements.

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  81. Gotta tell ya, LB, they certainly do remind me of sailors. No offense to your boyfriend, but wow.

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  82. If it's any consolation, I don't know what the fuck we're talking about over there anymore either. But that's really not that unusual.

    BTW, I have no idea who "my retarded younger brother, Corn King" is. Anyone care to shed some light on that one?

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  83. The Corn King would be the "Nuts For Brains" that was reviewed right before you were, Nathan.

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  84. sdf;JKL;klfjasdfl;ajs9'p awufr' opwj' wejfr'sdkl;asdjk f'pup r';peojkf'; sdklfj;kls

    (Sorry. Uproarious laughter. They are an organized group of bullies? Love that.)

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  85. Ironically enough, these bloggers are an organized group of bullies calling us out for being a disorganized group of bullies.

    They just use big legal/scientific jargon instead of profanity and cum references.

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  86. Just for fun, you all might want to peruse the original text of the "LHCFacts" entry.

    It's good for a laugh.

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  87. I got called an asshole by one Jim Wright and I still have no idea why. I guess my reading of this blog and my reminder that Nathan asked for a review and took the review rather well qualifies me as such. It is just bizarre to me.

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  88. Actually, Janiece and the rest of the ragtag band of washed up naval personnel, you aren't nearly as witty, sparkling, or astute as you think you are. So, frankly, you're entertaining today, in a car accident sort of way, but by tomorrow, we'll have someone else to mock.

    You're not special, pumpkin.

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  89. Oh LB... Don't you think you're being a bit harsh?

    I mean, stick up the ass humor just isn't for everyone, I guess.

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  90. Guess I just prefer my humor sans stick.

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Grow a pair.