Monday, March 16, 2009

The death of humor

Dear nuts for brains:

Humor is dying, and you're the guilty SOB who is plunging in the blade.

An illustrative example from your sidebar:

Little known facts about the Nut Man
My favorite vowel is Y, sometimes.
Knows dyslexia is no matter laughing.
I like Hall, but not Oates.
Is sure that astroturf confuses earthworms.
When Jimmy cracked corn, I was the only one who cared.
Believes "aquarium" is just a fancy word for fish zoo.
Asian is the new black, but I'm white.

Dude, these might have been funny in 1979. Now? They are so stale that they make saltine crackers at that diner from Seinfeld look fresh.

You reach too far, work too hard, and for naught. Consider that craigslist is a gold mine of inadvertent funny. You can click on Craigslist personals, or for that matter, almost any other category in craigslist, and find a wealth of humor. In less than 2 minutes, I found the following:

Can't wait to meet a real woman

Or how about this winner?

That took virtually no effort, and yet, either of those ads, with very few tweaks or comments, are funnier than your craigslist posts. And, according to you, your craigslist posts are as good as it gets? Help me, hardcore Jesus.

Your first page has 4 lame posts. I click for older posts, and get an entire pageful of links to youtube video clips. I hope for humor involving porn, and get this snoozefest instead.

You can't edit for crap, and reviewing your site was a chore. Beyond that, it's so busy, busy, busy. You've clearly spent the vast majority of your time adding crap to your sidebars and creating a cute (but cheesy) header image, and almost no time honing your writing.

Let me toss out a novel idea for you:

Knock off the shtick, and learn to tell a story without killing it.

Ultimately, blogging is a simple thing. If you write it, they will come. It doesn't have to look good (note: I once gave an ifuckingloveyou to a blog on myspace). You don't have to promote it. You don't have to get on everyone's blogroll. You don't have to join humorblogs.com and ten million other blog promotional pyramid schemes to promote your blog.

You just have to do one thing, and do it well:

Write.

You don't write for shit, so I can't give a shit. Frankly, you're fucking retarded for submitting here with your blog in its present form of cluster fuckage.



Love,

Love Bites

p.s. As someone told you recently on craigslist, you REALLY need to get laid. But, i bet you suck at it.

129 comments:

  1. That blog skull-fucked me without even the common courtesy of taking out my eyeball first.

    Profile pic + Carrot-Top = match made in shitty joke heaven.

    "I got a rearviewmirror on my toliet seat so I can watch myself pass gas!"

    [audience applauds, Nutjobber sticks grenade in own mouth and pulls pin]

    ReplyDelete
  2. The best PS ever:

    p.s. As someone told you recently on craigslist, you REALLY need to get laid. But, i bet you suck at it.


    That's pretty much when you know that you should pack it in and call it a day.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't think this is menopause, but damn, I'm bitchy this year.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm completely in awe and sort of jealous that you can say you are bitchy this year and it's only March.

    ReplyDelete
  5. All I could think was TOO MUCH CRAP.

    Also? Whoever puts "snapshots" on their blog needs to die a slow and painful death, preferably bombarded with images of what's coming next in a little popup window.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Um, menopause. Dude deserved it. You write boring, you fuck boring, you are, well, boring.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Also:

    'This place was hidden like the batcave.'

    So, it was under Wayne Manor? Acorn King is the tight, girlie Holister tshirt of the blogosphere.

    Stop, dude, just stop.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Carriage house story could have been good.

    Which makes the badness around it so much worse.

    ReplyDelete
  9. It's almost painful to see potential that isn't being reached.

    ReplyDelete
  10. "It's almost painful to see potential that isn't being reached."

    Mom? Is that you?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ah, but he'll never learn if you don't give him an F.

    ReplyDelete
  12. No, Tits, I think that may be one of your ex-boyfriends. Zing.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Please note I say this with absolutely no emotion: Ouch.

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  14. psssst: shout out to me, what what. Just think, less than a year ago, I was pounding away on Myspace...

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  15. That layout was a tad busy and could do with some de-cluttering.

    He doesn't really say much about himself bar telling us that he's an Advertising Copywriter. Never a good idea to say what you do if you don't then provide good examples of what you do.

    I did however raise a smile at his observation of working opposite Matthew Fox.

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  16. Yes, dear, you were shouted out...for having the ugliest "blog" design in history. Heh. (but, some of the best writing)

    By the way, anyone make it through the comments on Rassle's blog revue? Whatever happened to that old wet blanket drizitche? I kind of miss his sturm and drang.

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  17. You know, sometimes I miss him. It was nice having a woman-hater around.

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  18. I knew there was a reason I quit the ad agency business.

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  19. "Is sure that astroturf confuses earthworms."

    LB? Are you sure you got that right? I think he may have actually written, "Is sure he is as humorous as an earthworm."

    ReplyDelete
  20. Rassles,

    I'm sorry my comment sounded so bitchy. Everything I say right now sounds bitchy, for some reason.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Shameless self promoters.

    I hate them.

    Even if what they are promoting is as good as they say it is.

    In this case, it isn't.

    ReplyDelete
  22. 80% of the ads on craigslist's personals section are the same 2 or 3 people, making a ton of money.

    I guess that's sorta funny.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Forget the blog, did you read his twitters? This guy might be Carrot Top.

    ReplyDelete
  24. That's scary. Is there such a thing as verbal-prop-comedy?

    [shiver]

    ReplyDelete
  25. I like Acorn King! Maybe it's because I actually responded to a Craigslist ad for dog shit, thinking it'd make the grass greener and the roses redder.

    ReplyDelete
  26. You like Acorn King, and my mom thinks I'm the handsomest guy in school.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Are you guys kidding? I love this blog! I'm not sure how anyone could read Acorn Kings posts and not laugh!

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  28. What level are you reading on, photog? Third, Fourth, Fifth Grade?

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  29. Really, this blog is like a fratboy's Madlib.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Keep in mind too, Photogsomethingorother, that it's not like we don't enjoy dumb shit... just not this dumb shit.

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  31. I didn't think it was bitchy at all, LB. Driz was a riot, and I had an ugly blog. You speak the truth.

    psssst: I hope Acorn bragging about writing for Carrot Top is a fucking joke, but either way it's hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Here's the problem, Squirrel Nut Zipper King's fanboys, he may very well have the talent to produce a worthwhile blog, but he buries it in sidebar shit and hamfisted one-liners and no editing.

    It's not that we're angry at him. We're disappointed.

    ReplyDelete
  33. You are all right, I should really be more funny. I will try harder. Sorry for letting everyone down, sorry mom.

    In addition to studying the genius C.L. examples provided for me, I will also be enrolling in classes at the Sylvan Learning Center.

    Smooches, A.K.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Wow, it seems like you guys just like to insult people. Why are you attacking me for liking it? Just because you don't appreciate the humor doesn't mean that those who do are stupid. This seems more like a site for ripping on people than reviewing blogs. I laugh my ass off reading Acorn King as do many others if you read his comments.

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  35. That wasn't an attack, photog, I was asking you a question. Which one? Third, fourth or fifth?

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  36. Uh oh, Andrea Wilson Photography. Somebody got up on the wrong side of the too sincere this morning.

    It's not about the barbs, A.W. Those are just garnish for the bigger dish of This Blog Does Not Deliver On Its Promises Brûlée.

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  37. Who attacked what?

    What?

    That's like bitching about a movie before it even starts - at least let us do something before you start fucking complaining.

    There is something wrong with the world today if I/we can hurt someone's feelings just by outlining a general philosophy, ie. "we like dumb shit".

    Good Christ, photogroggy; I can only imagine how much the entirety of existence must just get on your one, last good nerve...

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  38. You aren't the one who insulted me Nutjobber. I just wanted to state my opinion here since I am a fan of the blog.

    ReplyDelete
  39. I love the Acorn King blog!

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  40. Then don't pluralize "guys" whilst complaining, photologblogger.

    See? Now we're friends, right?

    ReplyDelete
  41. Father Muskrat, of course you like this guy. Your most recent posts are about two dogs fucking and taking a shit in the tank of someone's toilet.

    I bet YOU are the one who really writes for Carrot Top. And yeah, that really was the funniest part of this blog.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Acorn King:

    The thing about the funny is that there is no try. The people who try the hardest to be funny -- aren't. In fact, the harder you try, the less funny you are.

    Maybe you should stop trying so hard to be funny. Maybe that's the problem.

    I don't know a lot, and I'm definitely far from funny all the time, but I do know funny when I see it. And your kind of funny isn't.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Uh, I guess I'm the attacker. Look, 'upper deckers', 'Confucius Say', its all the same. This is old and played out. It's simply not funny anymore. I call it 'grandpa funny'. These are the jokes your grandfather tells, and you laugh out of respect for your elders. If you are under fifty and trying to pass this shit off as humorous, well, you might as well drag a potato on a string through South Boston, thanks for coming out.

    Oh, happy Paddy's Day, Askers.

    ReplyDelete
  44. "Paddy's" day? Are we suddeny revering Paddington station?

    "Patty" is short for "Patrick" -- although they both have two syllables, so "short" is obviously the wrong term. Maybe I mean "informal." --, "paddy" is not.

    Or am I misinformed? It happens.

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  45. 'Paddy' is short for Padraig. I caught quite the scolding last year from an Irish reader for putting t's in Paddy, and well, rightfully so. Also, did you know, that blue is an acceptable, pinch protecting color on this day? Now you do.

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  46. I really do think your intellect and reading level must be both low level and lowbrow, not to mention rather played out frat boy neanderthal if Acorn King's site appeals to you. So, I guess I will join you, Key, in being an attacker.

    If you like this type of humor, a lot, you're not very bright.

    And, that's okay. The world needs more janitors and postal workers.

    Also, if you post your (rather stupid) opinions here, you open yourself up for criticism, photog girl.

    Yes, sometimes we are assholes, but we are doing it for your own good.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Key: You wanna be uber-Gaelic? Spell it "Paidi."

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  48. I could, Rass, but I don't want to spend the rest of the day wikilinking for the ignorant.

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  49. I have been edumakated and feel the wiser for it. Thanks.

    Padraig. Go figure. I have a very good friend who is Irish, who's middle name is "Patrick" with whom I have a meeting in about 5 minutes. I shall use that little piece of trivia to one-up the son of a bitch.

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  50. An attack, photog, would have looked more like this:

    The fact that you find this entertaining explains why you push buttons for a living.

    Bear: atta boy, hit em hard. Do yourself a favor and don't wear orange.

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  51. And just so we're all clear, Acorn fans, by saying you think his blog is funny -- which I'm still not entirely convinced you're not doing just to be nice; the grandpa-effect, if you will -- you are saying you think, "When Jimmy cracked corn, I was the only one who cared," is funny.

    I mean, Exhibit A, people. And don't give me that, "It's funny because it's so stupid," shit. This isn't irreverent, this isn't Stella. This is mark-missing.

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  52. This guy's not so bad. At least he deserves some credit for trying. We can't all be uproariously funny all the time like you, Lovey B. Humor is a tough nut to crack, especially with any consistency.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Thank you, warren. Good call on the College Humor, I feel like that was what AK was shooting for. And yes, he missed horribly.

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  54. Love bites: It's called sarcasm, you're obviously as dumb as I thought you were (to come down to your level).

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  55. AK: We're very familiar with sarcasm here, Rassles recently reached a multi year agreement with Sarcasm. Seriously, go check College Humor, I think it might help you understand what we are trying to push through your skull.

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  56. No, sarcasm is like me saying I think you are really neat & funny. What you've got are 2nd rate, 2nd grade jokes. Good luck with vocabulary in the 6th grade, Sarcasm will totally catch up to you then.

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  57. Richard - Why does he deserve credit for trying? I believe that what someone said earlier is right on. The more you try to be funny, the less funny you are. If it's hard work for you to be funny, then maybe humor isn't your thing. Obviously, humor is subjective. And what's funny one day can be painfully cringe-worthy the next. I'd say the majority of the people who comment on here (read: Awesome) think that the reviewed blog is boring and unfunny. Remember in the 90's when people everywhere were mimicking Jim Carrey's "Alrighty Then!"? A lot of people thought that was funny. But it wasn't. It was horrible and it made me want to pluck out my ear drums on a fairly regular basis. This guy, to me, is like those people who thought "Alrighty Then" was the funniest response to anything. And of course there were always others who laughed at them and encouraged their "humor".

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  58. Where are the "drive on a parkway/park on a driveway" jokes?

    Or why don't we go right back to Henny Youngman: "take my wife, please."

    Yeah, baby!

    It's called sarcasm? Is it really? Don't you think, Acorn King, that the fact that we couldn't distinguish between your "sarcasm" and your actual writing is proof positive that you shouldn't do either?

    "Here at Ask, reviewers fuck blogs. In mother Russia, blog fucks you!"

    ReplyDelete
  59. Excellent point Gwen. Thousands of examples of this sort of thing. Anyone out there remember the "You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, or you can call me RayJay..." routine? Anyone?

    Right. Because it wasn't funny. Yet back in 1982(?) it was on TV all the time. Commercials. Carson show. Etc.

    Whereas something like Swift's "A Modest Proposal" is always funny -- if you can get past that language barrier.

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  60. Acorn King is Gallagher without the watermelon.

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  61. Dennis Leary without the cigarette and leather jacket.

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  62. Robin Williams without the coke.

    In fact, Acorn King is Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire.

    ReplyDelete
  63. Raise the roof. I hated Mrs. Doubtfire. Mostly because she looked so much like Robin Williams in drag. Wait. There it is.

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  64. Only Communists hate Mrs. Doubtfire.

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  65. Do you realize that your job is to review blogs? Let me repeat that. Your job is to review blogs. That's a joke right there. I'm sorry The New York Times didn't want you for their book review, or any other number of topics that actually matter.

    It's a blog, who cares. Blogs are an escape, a time waster. If you're all taking blogs this serious, then that's pretty sad. Especially for "Love Bites," I'm sorry your father wasn't there to give you a hug as a child, but it's going to be ok. We all still love you. You don't need to rip on people to make yourself feel better, just run down to Hot Topic and buy yourself a new studded choker and all will be right with the world.

    I hope everyone has a safe & fun Saint Patrick's day, go out and have fun.

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  66. Mrs. Doubtfire is the movie equivalent of a canker-sore.

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  67. Doug Henning, without the stash.

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  68. Ok, dickbag, go read the FAQ. This is for entertainment purposes. I'm not really in love with stepping in and speaking for someone, but I used that Hot Topic line on her about a year ago. Look, you aren't funny, you submitted, take your lumps. Also, this job don't pay.

    ReplyDelete
  69. I can see he deserved the little bus.

    Nice comeback, window licker!

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  70. Oh, Acorn King.

    It's too bad you're not as funny as we are because, gosh darn it, you're sure trying hard enough.

    I mean, that last bit? Where you got all "serious"? Hilarious.

    What, exactly, did you think was going to happen when you submitted your blog here? Did you honestly think we, collectively, were fans of Carrot-Top?

    ReplyDelete
  71. Also, there is a disclaimer at the bottom of this blog.

    I like saying 'read the FAQ', makes me feel like one of the people.

    The real joke here, Squirrel, is that you submitted your blog for a free review, to a blog with the url 'iwillfuckingtearyouapart.blogspot.com'
    and then got all butthurt when you got what you asked for.

    ReplyDelete
  72. You don't get paid? Even worse. Ok, and to set the record straight, I HATE Carrot Top too!

    ReplyDelete
  73. We probably should get paid with the amount of boring bullshit and fart jokes we are subjected to. You said it yourself. Your blog is a waste of time. Or time waster? Same thing.

    ReplyDelete
  74. You know who I hate? Maury Povich.

    What a cock.

    ReplyDelete
  75. and "Pirate Hooker" your favorite movies are listed as follows on your profile:

    Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby The Princess Bride Labrynth

    Windowlicker.

    ReplyDelete
  76. Acorn, the fact that I wear a helmet makes me a window licker. Not my choice in movies.

    ReplyDelete
  77. And yes Maury Povich is also a cock.

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  78. Dude, bow out. You didn't get the shiny endorsement you were expecting and now you're going to trash us because you didn't get your way. You aren't related to Janet Reno, by any chance, are you?

    ReplyDelete
  79. Don't lie, if you didn't care about your blog, you wouldn't still be here defending it in the comments section. There is a little part of you looking for our approval, and that my friend is truly sad.

    ReplyDelete
  80. Here we go.

    Listen, knucklehead - you want to go and research all the commenters' blogs and see if you can't rustle up some ammunition for that popgun you call a brain, hey, go to it.

    By the way things are going so far, you're right: you're probably going to need some outside assistance.

    ReplyDelete
  81. And no, the Hookers movie choices don't make her a window licker. It's her insistance that Australians live in the future, that the moon isn't the same in every state, shit like that makes her a tard. Remember it takes one to know one, and if she's calling you a tard, well chances are, she's right.

    ReplyDelete
  82. Can you even imagine:

    "Crocodile Dundee is Timecop."

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  83. I love it when a shitty blog writer gets all douchey and pissed.

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  84. If you want to hurt Hooker's feelings, try calling her Bridezilla.

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  85. Ghost, thanks for having my back lover!

    Death to the tards. Fuck, that includes me.

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  86. Rachie, I will punch you in your pregnant belly, whore!

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  87. Could you imagine how the world would be if Van-Damme was Crocodile Dundee, and Paul Hogan was Timecop?

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  88. Whoa. You made my brain pause for a second, Rassles. Don't get all metaphysical on us.

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  89. Oh. My. God.

    "Y'call that a knife? This is a... well, it's not a knife, really. More like feet. Killer feet. By the by, did you know I flex my ass, like, constantly?"

    ReplyDelete
  90. Sorry - Acorn King sent me that joke.

    ReplyDelete
  91. It was Jobber's idea.

    Do you think Paul Hogan could hold his leg steady enough for a roller blader to read


    "Read it."

    "Walkabout?"

    "Behtweaan the loians."

    "I should get the fuck out of here."

    "You know thate puhhrse? Doesn't loook good on ya."

    ReplyDelete
  92. Fucking Bloodsport with crocodiles? This is the best idea ever.

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  93. You know, trying to type out lines from Timecop with an Australian accent and without being able to watch Van-Damme hold his leg five feet in the air for ten minutes is just not as satisfying as I thought it would be.

    ReplyDelete
  94. Pro-wrestling with crocodiles. Imagine the possiblities. It would be like UFCC+.

    ReplyDelete
  95. If we're to believe the tenets of string theory, somewhere out there Van Damme is Dundee and Paul Hogan is Timecop. And we're all sitting in the bizzaro Ask forum wishing it was the other way around.

    So, you know, grass is greener.

    ReplyDelete
  96. Maybe he's funny when your drunk, or high on the power a full moon gives you. Probably not.

    ReplyDelete
  97. As long as you're not saying "segue," I believe you.

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  98. Wow, the humor blog curse continues.

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  99. Everything short of homicide is funny when you're drunk or high. And sometimes, even when you're not.

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  100. Funny is serious fucking business; you wouldn't let some armless zombie drifter drive you to the airport, would you?

    Unarmed people shouldn't write humour blogs.

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  101. instead they should throw their faces into the keyboard.

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  102. Agreed.

    Or, better still, they should get jobs as traffic-cops.

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  103. Data-entry clerks never looked so fucking funny!

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  104. Dude, that wasn't funny - you should be ashamed of yourself.

    If I wasn't such a prick, I'd be outraged.

    ...I believe that's called "entrapment", isn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  105. yeah, entrapment, sort of like backing that unarmed humor blogger into a corner of rusted razor blades and then asking them to do something funny.

    that's not funny either, sadly enough, but it's a comforting thought for those of us that really are not THAT fucking funny, but still appreciate "the funny."

    ReplyDelete
  106. i swear i only come here for the commentary. i can't bring myself to read any of the blogs, but the commentary here is some of the best raw humor around.

    ReplyDelete
  107. You're right - in some ways, it's shooting at his feet and telling him to dance. Still, we're all adults here, looking good in our big boy pants, and if you can't take as good as you give, you probably aren't enjoying yourself anyway... n'est pas?

    And, yes - that was a pretty dirty trick I pulled on you... no harm, no foul?

    ReplyDelete
  108. dirty tricks are still just cheap hookers...

    everyone can appreciate a ride now and again. (even if it is a diseased sickening ride filled to the brim with God knows what... let's move past this, shall we?)

    ReplyDelete
  109. It is funny to me how quickly popular humor becomes worn out and raggedy edged. It goes by FAST, motherfuckers, it's 3 gig speed.

    corn King is still stuck on dyslexia, which is so 1997, and hasn't even moved on yet to tourette's syndrome, which frankly is getting tired because its like 2007. Remember tourette's guy? Rest in peace, tourette's guy. You kicked the ass of Acorn King.

    Acorn King and his legion of 3 fans is stuck in Dane Cook schtick hell. C'mon, ya'll. Schtick is dead. It was never all that good, and thank fucking hardcore Jesus, it's so over.

    ReplyDelete
  110. Also, I prefer Corn King to Acorn King, can you fix that? Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  111. You know what's funny right now? Tartar sauce. Fucking hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  112. Tarter sauce, the "explicit" verbiage of spongebob.

    or just tarter sauce in general?

    ReplyDelete
  113. But, I actually think cocktail sauce is funnier than tartar. For the record.

    ReplyDelete
  114. Ah! That's why my niece and nephew say "Tartar Sauce" all of the time and giggle like it's a dirty word. It sounds like a dirty word. It's a shame I have the kid who actually uses the dirty words. No, I lie. I really am proud of my little devil.

    ReplyDelete
  115. funny, is not being able to spell the word TARTAR sauce twice in one fucking post.

    ReplyDelete
  116. The funniest condiment these days, hands down: Chutney.

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  117. I have to roll with hummus. Reminds me of hummer's.

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  118. body butter... sound like the right lead into a dirty sandwich.

    i never knew condiments could be so ...fun?

    ReplyDelete
  119. You pack of jackals really plowed this sad little dude.

    And I'm still sort of here, I just wouldn't know what to say.

    ~ Driz

    ReplyDelete
  120. "The more you try to be funny, the less funny you are."

    That seems to be a recurring theme here at AAYSR.

    Yeah. That makes sense. I remember reading stories about how Sam Kinison would read the obituaries before sitting down and trying not to write something funny. And Richard Pryor would hit bottom, call an ex, and plunge into a whirlpool of depression before putting a pencil to paper.

    Eh, I like the Acorn King. The piece about grandma's porn stash cracked me up. Guess I'm an idiot, or I've got a 4th grade sense of humor, or both. Golly, the attorneys, physicians, politicians,movie directors, recording artists and hall of fame athletes that visit me here at Jack-in-the-Box are gonna be bummed.

    ReplyDelete
  121. Doug:

    Consider how much funnier Grandma's porn stash COULD HAVE BEEN with 30% fewer words and some disciplined editing.

    If you want to see some disciplined editing, read this post. Or this one. Or, this one, for that matter.

    Do you know why they're funny? Because the writers didn't murder the story by smothering it under the weight of too many inactive verb tenses, that's why.

    They're clean. Polished. But, they almost feel effortless.

    That kind of effortless humor is hard to write, but IT WORKS.


    The granny porn story could have been 684% better if Corn King could learn to edit.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.