Dear nuts for brains:Humor is dying, and you're the guilty SOB who is plunging in the blade.
An illustrative example from your sidebar:
Little known facts about the Nut Man
My favorite vowel is Y, sometimes.
Knows dyslexia is no matter laughing.
I like Hall, but not Oates.
Is sure that astroturf confuses earthworms.
When Jimmy cracked corn, I was the only one who cared.
Believes "aquarium" is just a fancy word for fish zoo.
Asian is the new black, but I'm white.
Dude, these might have been funny in 1979. Now? They are so stale that they make saltine crackers at that diner from Seinfeld look fresh.
You reach too far, work too hard, and for naught. Consider that craigslist is a gold mine of inadvertent funny. You can click on Craigslist personals, or for that matter, almost any other category in craigslist, and find a wealth of humor. In less than 2 minutes, I found the following:
Can't wait to meet a real woman
Or how about this winner?
That took virtually no effort, and yet, either of those ads, with very few tweaks or comments, are funnier than your craigslist posts. And, according to you, your craigslist posts are as good as it gets? Help me, hardcore Jesus.
Your first page has 4 lame posts. I click for older posts, and get an entire pageful of links to youtube video clips. I hope for humor involving porn, and get this snoozefest instead.
You can't edit for crap, and reviewing your site was a chore. Beyond that, it's so busy, busy, busy. You've clearly spent the vast majority of your time adding crap to your sidebars and creating a cute (but cheesy) header image, and almost no time honing your writing.
Let me toss out a novel idea for you:
Knock off the shtick, and learn to tell a story without killing it.
Ultimately, blogging is a simple thing. If you write it, they will come. It doesn't have to look good (note: I once gave an ifuckingloveyou to a blog on myspace). You don't have to promote it. You don't have to get on everyone's blogroll. You don't have to join humorblogs.com and ten million other blog promotional pyramid schemes to promote your blog.
You just have to do one thing, and do it well:
Write.
You don't write for shit, so I can't give a shit. Frankly, you're fucking retarded for submitting here with your blog in its present form of cluster fuckage.
Love,
Love Bites
p.s. As someone told you recently on craigslist, you REALLY need to get laid. But, i bet you suck at it.
The best PS ever:
ReplyDeletep.s. As someone told you recently on craigslist, you REALLY need to get laid. But, i bet you suck at it.
That's pretty much when you know that you should pack it in and call it a day.
I don't think this is menopause, but damn, I'm bitchy this year.
ReplyDeleteI'm completely in awe and sort of jealous that you can say you are bitchy this year and it's only March.
ReplyDeleteAll I could think was TOO MUCH CRAP.
ReplyDeleteAlso? Whoever puts "snapshots" on their blog needs to die a slow and painful death, preferably bombarded with images of what's coming next in a little popup window.
Also:
ReplyDelete'This place was hidden like the batcave.'
So, it was under Wayne Manor? Acorn King is the tight, girlie Holister tshirt of the blogosphere.
Stop, dude, just stop.
Carriage house story could have been good.
ReplyDeleteWhich makes the badness around it so much worse.
It's almost painful to see potential that isn't being reached.
ReplyDelete"It's almost painful to see potential that isn't being reached."
ReplyDeleteMom? Is that you?
Ah, but he'll never learn if you don't give him an F.
ReplyDeleteNo, Tits, I think that may be one of your ex-boyfriends. Zing.
ReplyDeletePlease note I say this with absolutely no emotion: Ouch.
ReplyDeletepsssst: shout out to me, what what. Just think, less than a year ago, I was pounding away on Myspace...
ReplyDeleteNoted.
ReplyDeleteThat layout was a tad busy and could do with some de-cluttering.
ReplyDeleteHe doesn't really say much about himself bar telling us that he's an Advertising Copywriter. Never a good idea to say what you do if you don't then provide good examples of what you do.
I did however raise a smile at his observation of working opposite Matthew Fox.
Myspace makes me poop.
ReplyDeleteYep. Me too.
ReplyDeleteYes, dear, you were shouted out...for having the ugliest "blog" design in history. Heh. (but, some of the best writing)
ReplyDeleteBy the way, anyone make it through the comments on Rassle's blog revue? Whatever happened to that old wet blanket drizitche? I kind of miss his sturm and drang.
You know, sometimes I miss him. It was nice having a woman-hater around.
ReplyDeleteI knew there was a reason I quit the ad agency business.
ReplyDelete"Is sure that astroturf confuses earthworms."
ReplyDeleteLB? Are you sure you got that right? I think he may have actually written, "Is sure he is as humorous as an earthworm."
Rassles,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry my comment sounded so bitchy. Everything I say right now sounds bitchy, for some reason.
Shameless self promoters.
ReplyDeleteI hate them.
Even if what they are promoting is as good as they say it is.
In this case, it isn't.
80% of the ads on craigslist's personals section are the same 2 or 3 people, making a ton of money.
ReplyDeleteI guess that's sorta funny.
Forget the blog, did you read his twitters? This guy might be Carrot Top.
ReplyDeleteThat's scary. Is there such a thing as verbal-prop-comedy?
ReplyDelete[shiver]
I like Acorn King! Maybe it's because I actually responded to a Craigslist ad for dog shit, thinking it'd make the grass greener and the roses redder.
ReplyDeleteYou like Acorn King, and my mom thinks I'm the handsomest guy in school.
ReplyDeleteAre you guys kidding? I love this blog! I'm not sure how anyone could read Acorn Kings posts and not laugh!
ReplyDeleteWhat level are you reading on, photog? Third, Fourth, Fifth Grade?
ReplyDeleteReally, this blog is like a fratboy's Madlib.
ReplyDeleteDude, madlib? Solid.
ReplyDeleteI didn't think it was bitchy at all, LB. Driz was a riot, and I had an ugly blog. You speak the truth.
ReplyDeletepsssst: I hope Acorn bragging about writing for Carrot Top is a fucking joke, but either way it's hilarious.
Here's the problem, Squirrel Nut Zipper King's fanboys, he may very well have the talent to produce a worthwhile blog, but he buries it in sidebar shit and hamfisted one-liners and no editing.
ReplyDeleteIt's not that we're angry at him. We're disappointed.
You are all right, I should really be more funny. I will try harder. Sorry for letting everyone down, sorry mom.
ReplyDeleteIn addition to studying the genius C.L. examples provided for me, I will also be enrolling in classes at the Sylvan Learning Center.
Smooches, A.K.
Wow, it seems like you guys just like to insult people. Why are you attacking me for liking it? Just because you don't appreciate the humor doesn't mean that those who do are stupid. This seems more like a site for ripping on people than reviewing blogs. I laugh my ass off reading Acorn King as do many others if you read his comments.
ReplyDeleteThat wasn't an attack, photog, I was asking you a question. Which one? Third, fourth or fifth?
ReplyDeleteUh oh, Andrea Wilson Photography. Somebody got up on the wrong side of the too sincere this morning.
ReplyDeleteIt's not about the barbs, A.W. Those are just garnish for the bigger dish of This Blog Does Not Deliver On Its Promises Brûlée.
Who attacked what?
ReplyDeleteWhat?
That's like bitching about a movie before it even starts - at least let us do something before you start fucking complaining.
There is something wrong with the world today if I/we can hurt someone's feelings just by outlining a general philosophy, ie. "we like dumb shit".
Good Christ, photogroggy; I can only imagine how much the entirety of existence must just get on your one, last good nerve...
You aren't the one who insulted me Nutjobber. I just wanted to state my opinion here since I am a fan of the blog.
ReplyDeleteI love the Acorn King blog!
ReplyDeleteThen don't pluralize "guys" whilst complaining, photologblogger.
ReplyDeleteSee? Now we're friends, right?
Acorn King:
ReplyDeleteThe thing about the funny is that there is no try. The people who try the hardest to be funny -- aren't. In fact, the harder you try, the less funny you are.
Maybe you should stop trying so hard to be funny. Maybe that's the problem.
I don't know a lot, and I'm definitely far from funny all the time, but I do know funny when I see it. And your kind of funny isn't.
Uh, I guess I'm the attacker. Look, 'upper deckers', 'Confucius Say', its all the same. This is old and played out. It's simply not funny anymore. I call it 'grandpa funny'. These are the jokes your grandfather tells, and you laugh out of respect for your elders. If you are under fifty and trying to pass this shit off as humorous, well, you might as well drag a potato on a string through South Boston, thanks for coming out.
ReplyDeleteOh, happy Paddy's Day, Askers.
"Paddy's" day? Are we suddeny revering Paddington station?
ReplyDelete"Patty" is short for "Patrick" -- although they both have two syllables, so "short" is obviously the wrong term. Maybe I mean "informal." --, "paddy" is not.
Or am I misinformed? It happens.
'Paddy' is short for Padraig. I caught quite the scolding last year from an Irish reader for putting t's in Paddy, and well, rightfully so. Also, did you know, that blue is an acceptable, pinch protecting color on this day? Now you do.
ReplyDeleteI really do think your intellect and reading level must be both low level and lowbrow, not to mention rather played out frat boy neanderthal if Acorn King's site appeals to you. So, I guess I will join you, Key, in being an attacker.
ReplyDeleteIf you like this type of humor, a lot, you're not very bright.
And, that's okay. The world needs more janitors and postal workers.
Also, if you post your (rather stupid) opinions here, you open yourself up for criticism, photog girl.
Yes, sometimes we are assholes, but we are doing it for your own good.
Key: You wanna be uber-Gaelic? Spell it "Paidi."
ReplyDeleteI could, Rass, but I don't want to spend the rest of the day wikilinking for the ignorant.
ReplyDeleteI have been edumakated and feel the wiser for it. Thanks.
ReplyDeletePadraig. Go figure. I have a very good friend who is Irish, who's middle name is "Patrick" with whom I have a meeting in about 5 minutes. I shall use that little piece of trivia to one-up the son of a bitch.
An attack, photog, would have looked more like this:
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you find this entertaining explains why you push buttons for a living.
Bear: atta boy, hit em hard. Do yourself a favor and don't wear orange.
And just so we're all clear, Acorn fans, by saying you think his blog is funny -- which I'm still not entirely convinced you're not doing just to be nice; the grandpa-effect, if you will -- you are saying you think, "When Jimmy cracked corn, I was the only one who cared," is funny.
ReplyDeleteI mean, Exhibit A, people. And don't give me that, "It's funny because it's so stupid," shit. This isn't irreverent, this isn't Stella. This is mark-missing.
This guy's not so bad. At least he deserves some credit for trying. We can't all be uproariously funny all the time like you, Lovey B. Humor is a tough nut to crack, especially with any consistency.
ReplyDeleteThank you, warren. Good call on the College Humor, I feel like that was what AK was shooting for. And yes, he missed horribly.
ReplyDeleteLove bites: It's called sarcasm, you're obviously as dumb as I thought you were (to come down to your level).
ReplyDeleteAK: We're very familiar with sarcasm here, Rassles recently reached a multi year agreement with Sarcasm. Seriously, go check College Humor, I think it might help you understand what we are trying to push through your skull.
ReplyDeleteNo, sarcasm is like me saying I think you are really neat & funny. What you've got are 2nd rate, 2nd grade jokes. Good luck with vocabulary in the 6th grade, Sarcasm will totally catch up to you then.
ReplyDeleteRichard - Why does he deserve credit for trying? I believe that what someone said earlier is right on. The more you try to be funny, the less funny you are. If it's hard work for you to be funny, then maybe humor isn't your thing. Obviously, humor is subjective. And what's funny one day can be painfully cringe-worthy the next. I'd say the majority of the people who comment on here (read: Awesome) think that the reviewed blog is boring and unfunny. Remember in the 90's when people everywhere were mimicking Jim Carrey's "Alrighty Then!"? A lot of people thought that was funny. But it wasn't. It was horrible and it made me want to pluck out my ear drums on a fairly regular basis. This guy, to me, is like those people who thought "Alrighty Then" was the funniest response to anything. And of course there were always others who laughed at them and encouraged their "humor".
ReplyDeleteWhere are the "drive on a parkway/park on a driveway" jokes?
ReplyDeleteOr why don't we go right back to Henny Youngman: "take my wife, please."
Yeah, baby!
It's called sarcasm? Is it really? Don't you think, Acorn King, that the fact that we couldn't distinguish between your "sarcasm" and your actual writing is proof positive that you shouldn't do either?
"Here at Ask, reviewers fuck blogs. In mother Russia, blog fucks you!"
Excellent point Gwen. Thousands of examples of this sort of thing. Anyone out there remember the "You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, or you can call me RayJay..." routine? Anyone?
ReplyDeleteRight. Because it wasn't funny. Yet back in 1982(?) it was on TV all the time. Commercials. Carson show. Etc.
Whereas something like Swift's "A Modest Proposal" is always funny -- if you can get past that language barrier.
Acorn King is Gallagher without the watermelon.
ReplyDeleteDennis Leary without the cigarette and leather jacket.
ReplyDeleteRobin Williams without the coke.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, Acorn King is Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire.
Raise the roof. I hated Mrs. Doubtfire. Mostly because she looked so much like Robin Williams in drag. Wait. There it is.
ReplyDeleteOnly Communists hate Mrs. Doubtfire.
ReplyDeleteDo you realize that your job is to review blogs? Let me repeat that. Your job is to review blogs. That's a joke right there. I'm sorry The New York Times didn't want you for their book review, or any other number of topics that actually matter.
ReplyDeleteIt's a blog, who cares. Blogs are an escape, a time waster. If you're all taking blogs this serious, then that's pretty sad. Especially for "Love Bites," I'm sorry your father wasn't there to give you a hug as a child, but it's going to be ok. We all still love you. You don't need to rip on people to make yourself feel better, just run down to Hot Topic and buy yourself a new studded choker and all will be right with the world.
I hope everyone has a safe & fun Saint Patrick's day, go out and have fun.
Mrs. Doubtfire is the movie equivalent of a canker-sore.
ReplyDeleteDoug Henning, without the stash.
ReplyDeleteOk, dickbag, go read the FAQ. This is for entertainment purposes. I'm not really in love with stepping in and speaking for someone, but I used that Hot Topic line on her about a year ago. Look, you aren't funny, you submitted, take your lumps. Also, this job don't pay.
ReplyDeleteI can see he deserved the little bus.
ReplyDeleteNice comeback, window licker!
Oh, Acorn King.
ReplyDeleteIt's too bad you're not as funny as we are because, gosh darn it, you're sure trying hard enough.
I mean, that last bit? Where you got all "serious"? Hilarious.
What, exactly, did you think was going to happen when you submitted your blog here? Did you honestly think we, collectively, were fans of Carrot-Top?
Also, there is a disclaimer at the bottom of this blog.
ReplyDeleteI like saying 'read the FAQ', makes me feel like one of the people.
The real joke here, Squirrel, is that you submitted your blog for a free review, to a blog with the url 'iwillfuckingtearyouapart.blogspot.com'
and then got all butthurt when you got what you asked for.
You don't get paid? Even worse. Ok, and to set the record straight, I HATE Carrot Top too!
ReplyDeleteWe probably should get paid with the amount of boring bullshit and fart jokes we are subjected to. You said it yourself. Your blog is a waste of time. Or time waster? Same thing.
ReplyDeleteand "Pirate Hooker" your favorite movies are listed as follows on your profile:
ReplyDeleteAnchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby The Princess Bride Labrynth
Windowlicker.
Acorn, the fact that I wear a helmet makes me a window licker. Not my choice in movies.
ReplyDeleteDude, bow out. You didn't get the shiny endorsement you were expecting and now you're going to trash us because you didn't get your way. You aren't related to Janet Reno, by any chance, are you?
ReplyDeleteDon't lie, if you didn't care about your blog, you wouldn't still be here defending it in the comments section. There is a little part of you looking for our approval, and that my friend is truly sad.
ReplyDeleteHere we go.
ReplyDeleteListen, knucklehead - you want to go and research all the commenters' blogs and see if you can't rustle up some ammunition for that popgun you call a brain, hey, go to it.
By the way things are going so far, you're right: you're probably going to need some outside assistance.
And no, the Hookers movie choices don't make her a window licker. It's her insistance that Australians live in the future, that the moon isn't the same in every state, shit like that makes her a tard. Remember it takes one to know one, and if she's calling you a tard, well chances are, she's right.
ReplyDeleteCan you even imagine:
ReplyDelete"Crocodile Dundee is Timecop."
I love it when a shitty blog writer gets all douchey and pissed.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to hurt Hooker's feelings, try calling her Bridezilla.
ReplyDeleteCould you imagine how the world would be if Van-Damme was Crocodile Dundee, and Paul Hogan was Timecop?
ReplyDeleteWhoa. You made my brain pause for a second, Rassles. Don't get all metaphysical on us.
ReplyDeleteOh. My. God.
ReplyDelete"Y'call that a knife? This is a... well, it's not a knife, really. More like feet. Killer feet. By the by, did you know I flex my ass, like, constantly?"
Sorry - Acorn King sent me that joke.
ReplyDeleteIt was Jobber's idea.
ReplyDeleteDo you think Paul Hogan could hold his leg steady enough for a roller blader to read
"Read it."
"Walkabout?"
"Behtweaan the loians."
"I should get the fuck out of here."
"You know thate puhhrse? Doesn't loook good on ya."
You know, trying to type out lines from Timecop with an Australian accent and without being able to watch Van-Damme hold his leg five feet in the air for ten minutes is just not as satisfying as I thought it would be.
ReplyDeletePro-wrestling with crocodiles. Imagine the possiblities. It would be like UFCC+.
ReplyDeleteIf we're to believe the tenets of string theory, somewhere out there Van Damme is Dundee and Paul Hogan is Timecop. And we're all sitting in the bizzaro Ask forum wishing it was the other way around.
ReplyDeleteSo, you know, grass is greener.
Maybe he's funny when your drunk, or high on the power a full moon gives you. Probably not.
ReplyDeleteAs long as you're not saying "segue," I believe you.
ReplyDeleteWow, the humor blog curse continues.
ReplyDeleteEverything short of homicide is funny when you're drunk or high. And sometimes, even when you're not.
ReplyDeleteFunny is serious fucking business; you wouldn't let some armless zombie drifter drive you to the airport, would you?
ReplyDeleteUnarmed people shouldn't write humour blogs.
instead they should throw their faces into the keyboard.
ReplyDeleteAgreed.
ReplyDeleteOr, better still, they should get jobs as traffic-cops.
Data-entry clerks never looked so fucking funny!
ReplyDeleteDude, that wasn't funny - you should be ashamed of yourself.
ReplyDeleteIf I wasn't such a prick, I'd be outraged.
...I believe that's called "entrapment", isn't it?
yeah, entrapment, sort of like backing that unarmed humor blogger into a corner of rusted razor blades and then asking them to do something funny.
ReplyDeletethat's not funny either, sadly enough, but it's a comforting thought for those of us that really are not THAT fucking funny, but still appreciate "the funny."
i swear i only come here for the commentary. i can't bring myself to read any of the blogs, but the commentary here is some of the best raw humor around.
ReplyDeleteYou're right - in some ways, it's shooting at his feet and telling him to dance. Still, we're all adults here, looking good in our big boy pants, and if you can't take as good as you give, you probably aren't enjoying yourself anyway... n'est pas?
ReplyDeleteAnd, yes - that was a pretty dirty trick I pulled on you... no harm, no foul?
dirty tricks are still just cheap hookers...
ReplyDeleteeveryone can appreciate a ride now and again. (even if it is a diseased sickening ride filled to the brim with God knows what... let's move past this, shall we?)
Also, I prefer Corn King to Acorn King, can you fix that? Thanks.
ReplyDeleteBOB SAGET!
ReplyDeleteTarter sauce, the "explicit" verbiage of spongebob.
ReplyDeleteor just tarter sauce in general?
Skippy's List never gets old for me.
ReplyDeleteBut, I actually think cocktail sauce is funnier than tartar. For the record.
ReplyDeleteAh! That's why my niece and nephew say "Tartar Sauce" all of the time and giggle like it's a dirty word. It sounds like a dirty word. It's a shame I have the kid who actually uses the dirty words. No, I lie. I really am proud of my little devil.
ReplyDeletefunny, is not being able to spell the word TARTAR sauce twice in one fucking post.
ReplyDeleteThe funniest condiment these days, hands down: Chutney.
ReplyDeleteI have to roll with hummus. Reminds me of hummer's.
ReplyDeleteBody butter?
ReplyDeletebody butter... sound like the right lead into a dirty sandwich.
ReplyDeletei never knew condiments could be so ...fun?
You pack of jackals really plowed this sad little dude.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm still sort of here, I just wouldn't know what to say.
~ Driz
"The more you try to be funny, the less funny you are."
ReplyDeleteThat seems to be a recurring theme here at AAYSR.
Yeah. That makes sense. I remember reading stories about how Sam Kinison would read the obituaries before sitting down and trying not to write something funny. And Richard Pryor would hit bottom, call an ex, and plunge into a whirlpool of depression before putting a pencil to paper.
Eh, I like the Acorn King. The piece about grandma's porn stash cracked me up. Guess I'm an idiot, or I've got a 4th grade sense of humor, or both. Golly, the attorneys, physicians, politicians,movie directors, recording artists and hall of fame athletes that visit me here at Jack-in-the-Box are gonna be bummed.
Doug:
ReplyDeleteConsider how much funnier Grandma's porn stash COULD HAVE BEEN with 30% fewer words and some disciplined editing.
If you want to see some disciplined editing, read this post. Or this one. Or, this one, for that matter.
Do you know why they're funny? Because the writers didn't murder the story by smothering it under the weight of too many inactive verb tenses, that's why.
They're clean. Polished. But, they almost feel effortless.
That kind of effortless humor is hard to write, but IT WORKS.
The granny porn story could have been 684% better if Corn King could learn to edit.