Friday, March 20, 2009

Death sentence

Sometimes you find a blog called like something like 'Run of the mill' that you TOTALLY like love and stuff because it talks about all the like stuff you love like coke and daddy and I heart daddy and bikes and being able to catch the bus instead of walking when your hair has done that woohoo thing and you want to cry yourself to sleep and stuff but then you like wake up and stuff and TOTALLY realise that salmon pink is HUGELY your favourite colour and that mammy is like TOTALLY the most fashionable mammy this side of Bangalore and if you like SO didn't know better you would think that you were in like an Indian version of the Gilmore Girls and oh my God you've just realised that you haven't taken a breath in like 4 months and you can't do math anymore and you like fall TOTALLY into a deep sleep and you like dream one of those REALLY cool dreams that you like TOTALLY remember the next day and stuff and you tell mammy because she's like TOTALLY the coolest mammy and you tell her how your blog got reviewed by like this gross middle aged man who TOTALLY wanted to cry just like three posts in because you only ever wrote like you were fourteen and very blonde and like rich and spoiled and stuff and even though it was clear that you like TOTALLY had a like really good vocabulary and stuff and seemed like REALLY dedicated to writing regularly and stuff but you wrote about stuff and stuff that would like TOTALLY make fluff seem like intellectual and deep and stuff and that if the people reading the review only read the review and nothing more they would TOTALLY like know what the blog was like like and that the reviewer couldn’t really blame the you for being the way you like TOTALLY are because that was just the way you were and stuff but that the gross reviewer thought that you like TOTALLY needed a ride on the short bus and should go and get like life experience and stuff like maybe having a friend TOTALLY block you on MSN and making you cry yourself to sleep again but then it all TOTALLY didn’t matter anyway because you like hadn’t blogged for like months now and the reviewer is left to assume that you like choked to death on a TOTALLY.

69 comments:

  1. I don't know. I think you might be in trouble here. Her "about me" specifically says:

    "I don’t like it when people treat with me with scorn and contempt JUST because they’re more popular or write better or know more than me."

    So there you go. I don't think she's gonna like you, sir.

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  2. This might be a little of the pot calling the kettle retarded, but what the fuck kind of name is Posol'stvo the Medved?

    Oh, and yeah, this blog is weak.

    ~ Driz

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  3. It's Russian. Err, Russlish.

    Posol'stvo translated to english is a play on my name, or part of it. You can look that puppy up if you want to. I can't spoon feed everything.

    Medved is Russian for bear, which is what I would respond with if Barbara Walters were ever to ask me "If you were an animal, what animal would you be? I mean, other than human, because I know that humans are animals too. You know what I mean."

    So. There you go.

    What's your story?

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  4. This review was, like, totally awesome. I think if I had to read it out loud I'd need an inhaler after I was finished. As for Pos' name, it's funny how we get used to something. When I first saw it I thought "What the fuck is that about?" and now it doesn't even register as weird in my brain. Just don't ask me to pronounce it.

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  5. Yeah. I was the exact same way with "Gwen." ;)

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  6. This review is so perfect that I find myself compelled to slather a pumpkin muffin all over your nekkid body, Father Gene.

    Horse vagine? Anyone?

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  7. Actually, Pos, you'd be surprised at how many people fuck up my name. A lot of people want to spell it with a Q. Yes - Qwen. Actually, Qs are really cool so I don't mind so much. Mongolian Girl - Pumpkin muffins and Horse Vagine go hand and hand these days, don't they? I'm going to write you a poem about that one of these days.

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  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  9. That review totally rocked! TOTALLY. Unless the blog is nothing like what you describe, in which case the review sucks but it made me scared enough of the blog that I'm not going to check and see.

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  10. I've never actually read a blog that used the word totally more than I do.

    I wish I could kick Faux Teen Wolf in the nards.

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  11. Father Gene, you can't see it, but I'm totally starting a slow clap in your honor. Sheer brilliance.

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  12. ...would like to nominate Special Operations Chief Warrant Officer Jim Wright for nard of the week.

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  13. Nard of the week? Hello?!? This is Special Operations Chief Warrant Officer Jim Wright we're talking about! His nards deserve monthly honors, at least.

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  14. I said it in another comment on another review, but I think it bears repeating... (perhaps not)...

    Special Operations Chief Warrant Officer Jim Wright reminds me of Danny McBride in The Foot Fist Way.

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  15. Damn right, Qwen! Get your whorin' ass into create mode and send me a poem.

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  16. You mean Danny McBride in the Foot Fist Way reminds you of Special Operations Chief Warrant Officer Jim Wright.

    Let's not get flippant, here. This is Special Operations Chief Warrant Officer Jim Wright we're talking about.

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  17. Special Operations Chief Warrant Officer Jim Wright3/20/2009 12:23 PM

    I WILL KICK YOU IN THE NARDS

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  18. I think that's a Faux Special Operations Chief Warrant Officer Jim Wright we've got on our hands.

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  19. Uncle Harold Howard3/20/2009 12:28 PM

    Dear FSOCWOJW:

    Is that nard-kicking REALLY the fist/foot way?

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  20. First of all, Danny McBride is a pussy, and will be brought down screaming with my sinister nard-punching skills. I learned some good shit. Good shit that is learned by enlisted men, good shit that I have mastered by fighting Giant Space Glaciers in Denali up here in Alaska, where enlisted men are men and everyone else is a whiny little bitch.

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  21. Fucking whatever.

    Jim Wright is an asshole.

    There is a website.

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  22. Ah, y'all truly inspire me to new heights.

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  23. But seriously, guys, What Would Special Operations Chief Warrant Officer Jim Wright Do?

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  24. I think he'd create a special new blog award. Oh, and kick someone's ass with his knife between his teeth.

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  25. Nice layout but reading the content it seemed to come across as a complete piss take. It's so shallow that I assumed it was deliberately meant to be.

    Almost as if someone felt aggrieved by a harsh review way back in August and then wrote a blog in an attempt to either be really, really ironic or really, really moronic.

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  26. Oh. My. God. I love that review.

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  27. Payne by Name - I sort of know what you mean. The blog is really over the top, it does seem a little manufactured. But then again, can you really fake that kind of nonsense? There were just so many details to the boring narrative. If it is a fake, then kudos.

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  28. Uhm, isn't this the same "bunny" who gave us a bunch of shit about how we had to like the indian emo kid cause he went to a good university? Bunny is that you honey??

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  29. Oh, man, I hated that dude. He or she caused an international incident that almost brought us to the brink of thermonuclear global holocaust.

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  30. Is that when you threatened the whole of India?

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  31. I think that's the person who pushed me to the point where I said I hated all of India -- except for Crowley.

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  32. You know, that Thanatos ain't too bad fer an Indian neither.

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  33. I really wanted
    to say Injun. For realsies.
    Just for effect, man.

    But I held it in.
    And decided to use it
    in this 'splanation.

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  34. True Dat. I've rather warmed to Thanatos myself.

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  35. He's not emo,just fairy-lovin'

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  36. It's sad that our perspective of India has been so tainted by reading the blogs of emo teenagers.

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  37. India: Your emo bloggers are making you look bad!!!!

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  38. If I were India, I would have them all deported to Canada.

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  39. Hookay....I know it's a joke. Which one of you guys is the real author?

    This can't be a real blog.

    Can't be.

    Can't.

    Please don't let it be.

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  40. It's like this:

    http://kannonshrigen.livejournal.com/




    Sorry if this double-posted.

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  41. What a review!!!! Just drives home the point!!

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  42. I wanted to gouge my eyes out after her reading the first sentence in her profile. Blogging since 2008, 52 posts and only 6 followers.. she should give up now! I just hope you like my blog.. yes I am going anonymous..

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  43. i had this urge to stand up and speak up for my country.

    In this far-flung, unimportant-from-historical-and-or-political-point-of-view forum.

    And then i read the submitted blog. Which is of course an awful, awful unadulterated stinkfest of words strung together.

    it is unjustified though to pin the consequences of the writings of a small section of kitty-poop-for-brains-morons on a country of a billion people.

    and coming from a bunch of americans who like totally instilled like this totally awesome new vocabulary onto like all the other idiots of the world, it is like totally unfair.

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  44. P.S.

    Loved the review!

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  45. You guys hiring? 'Cause I think this guy's trying to get a job:

    http://asshatlounge.blogspot.com/2009/02/ask-ye-fucking-muppets

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  46. Missives: Yeah, this appears to be the same Bunny who was defending Parakeet.

    Rassles: Deport them to Canada? Whatever for? According to a 2006 census, there's close to a million of them in Canada. Most of the mare emo teenagers. Why. Why. WHY?!?!?!?

    Hello all.

    Oh, and hi Natasha. You're right on, girl. Are you in Delhi? Do you wanna catch up for a drink? Huh? Huh?

    SILENCE. I kill you.

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  47. I am insane with envy that I didn't think of that "death sentence" pun first... kudos, sir.

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  48. Where's Calamity gone to?

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  49. So, what - a guy goes away for a couple of days and everyone disappears?

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  50. Fine. I'll just talk to myself then.

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  51. Hey man - how've you been?

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  52. I've been good, I've been good. You're lookng good yourself there, cowboy.

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  53. Oh, you're just saying that so I'll give you some of my spaghetti-os.

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  54. Well, you can have some... just try not to make a mess this time, huh?

    You fucking slob. Seriously.

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  55. Your mother's a slob.

    Dude - total burn.

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  56. Does any one of the Ryans have alcohol?

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  57. I had a shitty day and could use the banter on this board to entertain distract me. Oh well. I'll just go take a percocet and some ativan instead.

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  58. Do people over 9 really still eat spaghettios?

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  59. My husband loves those spaghetti-o things. And he's many, many years over nine. At least physically. Mentally? Not so much.

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  60. Christ, I haven't had spaghettioes in, like, 15 years.

    Who talks to themselves, anyway? That guy's an asshole.

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  61. Ryan Lawson really isn't an asshole. As far as I know.

    No review today? And what happened to the Nard of the Month I'm just curious. It made me laugh.

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  62. Why is a dead blog being reviewed? Just curious.

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Grow a pair.