Monday, March 09, 2009

Get Smart

In front of you is a nice bowl of shredded wheat. And, imagine that you're eating this shredded wheat in a blue bowl on a hazy foggy Monday morning, with skim milk, and no sugar. There's no fat. There's no sugar. There is nothing in it that's bad for you. Sadly, there is also no taste. Here, let's add a heaping spoonful of denatonium benzoate.

Mangia tutto, motherfuckers. That's today's blog.

Let me introduce you to her, via her commenting policy:
you have an opinion to express, please do so in a courteous and respectful manner.

If your opinion involves an assertion of an other-than-supernatural nature, please ensure you either have the credibility to express your opinion (i.e., an MD discussing a medical procedure), or you provide a verifiable reference for the information you're asserting is the "truth."

If your opinion involves an assertion of a supernatural nature, please recognize that the gallery has no obligation to take your assertion as "true" just because you say it is.

When expressing your opinion, please do so in a logical manner and refrain from using the standard logical fallacies to prove your point. If you have any confusion as to what constitutes logical fallacies or bad argument, please see Michael Shermer's Why People Believe Weird Things, Chapter 3, "How Thinking Goes Wrong: Twenty Five Fallacies That Lead Us to Believe Weird Things," available through Google Book Search or Amazon.

Wow, she sounds fun, doesn't she?

I feel there are any number of reasons I should like this blog:

1. The author is clearly intelligent.
2. She's a navy veteran (I love the Navy, my boyfriend is a commander in the Navy, currently TDY somewhere in Korea).
3. She writes about science and contemporary culture and has the same disdain for the sheeple that I do.

But I don't like it. And frankly, I'm not a huge fan of the author as she currently represents herself on this blog.

Here are the issues:

1) You've been blogging since 2007, and you're clearly intelligent enough to understand quantum physics, but you've saddled yourself with this layout? WTF? That's like, beginner stuff.

And, you've got your fucking twitter feed in your header, along with an ugly paragraph of text? What in the hell? Do you find this attractive? I know that engineers are often all about substance over style, but do you think this style is user-friendly for anyone?

Let me disabuse you of this notion.

And, beyond the ugliness of the template, there is a lot of SHIT on this blog. The author has a LOOONNNGGGG blogroll. Dog photos. Comments from herself and her husband. Maps of the locations of commenters and visitors. A dragon egg. More dragons. More blogroll. More groups she belongs to. Charitable causes. More shit.

Who needs this stuff? If you are going to be so broadly condescending towards the rest of humanity, you owe it to yourself to make this blog look better. I mean, seriously. Your blog needs a "what not to wear" episiode of its very own.

2) The author apparently knows everything. About everything. And I mean, EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING.

There is nothing human or real about this blog. It's all very mechanical. Where it isn't mechanical, it's pretentious, sneery, and condescending to the rest of us lower life forms who aren't as supercilious as the author.

Her personality is as warm as a fucking meat locker. Unfortunately, that sneeriness comes through in everything she writes, tainting it with an unpleasant, bitter taste.

Apparently, Janiece thinks that she is better than every other human being on the planet, except for those working with refugees in Darfur. When she's not lecturing us about the appropriate scientific/ethical/moral/political perspective that we should all accept as dogma falling from the very lips of god (her), she's sharing her scintillating schedule. Or posting pictures of her new cell phone, or telling us about the speed of her internet connection. Or, whining about the new cell tower going up by her house.

The worst part is, she's an unrepentant asshole. And, she knows it. And apparently, is proud of it. What has happened to this planet that people think being an asshole is a GOOD THING?

You know, we mock the shit out of blogs here, that's our shtick, and people who don't know better probably think that the reviewers here are heartless bitches (plus a bastard or two). But we aren't. We actually CARE about this stuff. We try to be funny, we throw in a joke or two, and we kind of adore our commenters (awww, shmoopsies).

But this woman is a complete and utter bitch with no redeeming qualities that I can spy, whatsoever. Who then, ironically, throws in post after post about pop culture that she supposedly doesn't care about. Ever hear of irony, oh godlike one?

If this is who you are in real life, I can't imagine that other human beings can bear more than 20 seconds in your company, and I mean that with all sincerity. You are "that woman," the one that people see coming, in the hallway, and immediately turn around and flee. And, if that description isn't you, you need to seriously consider your content on your blog and revamp it.

I don't hate the posts in the following categories:

When Hillbillies Attack

Well-behaved Women Rarely Make History

But, for the record, I could have found similar or better content in another format from a different author that would have been less abrasive and full of snotty overtones.

I'd also appreciate it if you would stop misusing the term "hillbilly." I think the phrase you are looking for is "white trash." Hillbilly is a specific geographical reference to the hill people of the Appalachian and Ozark mountains. As a proud descendent of hillbillies from the Ozarks, I'd like to invite you to take your hillbilly references and shove them so far up your urethra that you start leaking urine out of your ears.

The rest of the posts on this blog need to be thrown in a hole and torched, preferably with gasoline. I don't think a permit will be required. No one will miss them.

To get you started, here's a finger:

Before you type another word on your blog, here are some smart people whose blogs you should read since they manage to be smart while simultaneously avoiding being patronizing:

Niagaran Pebbles
The Highway Hags
Honey Pie
Praying to Darwin


  1. I'm an asshole, too, but I'm not usually proud of it.

    I think most of us become some degree of asshole as we get older, but learn to use those powers for good.

  2. This woman should clearly start using her asshole powers for good, and not for evil. At present, she is playing Adrian Veidt.

  3. Hey! Janiece only volunteered to get reamed after I blogged that I had signed up for a virtual visit to the proctologist. What's a guy got to do to get some fucking abuse around here?

  4. Dude, I have no idea, but I'll make sure you get in the queue soon.

  5. Huh. I think I kind of like her. And her dogs. Should I blame the time change?

  6. Although the template is patently evil.

  7. I have to admit, there's something appealing about her blog.

    But then again, according to a personality profile I took via her site, I'm a sociopath, and she's a smartass, and we "get along" or something, so take my comment with a grain of salt.

  8. So we've got someone who's working as an engineer who discovers she's rational.

    Who would have thought?

    Although I'm still trying to figure out what she's arrogant about.

  9. Love Bites, thanks for your time, and your concrete suggestions on fixing the mechanics and looks of the site.

    I'm fixing the template as we speak - pure laziness on my part, I admit, as I kept meaning to fix it and never got around to it.

    The rest of it just...grew. Apparently when I wasn't looking, based on how much crap had accumulated.

    I'm still thinking about your other comments and that I'm evidently writing like I'm a supercilious bitch...

  10. And someone so smart really should have known that about the hillbillies.

  11. I think this woman reminds me of my co-worker, who is a Ph.D., and is so convinced of his own intelligence that he can never let the rest of us forget how smart he is. He's so rational that he has huge blind spots about how he comes across, personality-wise. I find him incredibly annoying, and it may be the similarities between the two that really grated on me.

    The thing is, the rest of us are all smart, too. That's why they pay us the big bucks, dammit.

    Although, Janiece was rather gracious here.

  12. Anecdote for Love Bites' comment...

    When I was in my first work term as a co-op engineering student, I couldn't get an engineering job and ended up pouring metal at a foundry thanks to my father's union ties.

    One day I saw an engineering co-op student and a mechanic working together doing routine maintenance. The mechanic told the student, "You go and run these tests. I'll go run these other ones, and then we'll compare the results and decide what needs repairing."

    "No, that won't work," the student replied.

    "No, here, let me explain again," the mechanic said, and he repeated his instructions, trying to explain how the different tests should give the same results, and that differences would identify needs for work.

    "I know what you meant. It won't work."

    "Look, kid, I've been doing it this way for years. You've got to trust me."

    "But it won't work."

    "What's your problem here kid?"

    "Who's got the education here?"

    And with that, the mechanic grabbed the kid and gave him a shot in the head. The guy who was fixing one of my molds jumped in and separated them. "This didn't happen," he told the student.

    "Fuck you it did! I'm going to tell the plant manager and get his ass fired!"

    "Well then, I'd better make sure you have a good story," he said as he started to back away, the mechanic still chomping at the bit.

    "Nonono... I won't say anything."

    That engineering student got an education that day.

    (woah... long comment.)

  13. LB, she's only appearing gracious because she has to make a flow chart to see how her robotic heart feels about being called a bitch.

    This woman reminds me of the Christ Loving Jew at my office. We probably all have a woman like her at the office.

  14. Her posts didn't bother me that much, except for one thing:

    Overuse of italics drives me nuts. It's a little thing, but it's enough.

  15. Yes, I like a good godcomplex. But not without humor. She's like a bitter angel. I don't mean that in a good way. Also, in my line of work, we avoid interaction with engineers as much as humanly possible. They are the human incarnation of Ambien.

  16. Yes, I like a good godcomplex. But not without humor. She's like a bitter angel. I don't mean that in a good way. Also, in my line of work, we avoid interaction with engineers as much as humanly possible. They are the human incarnation of Ambien.

  17. I liked some stuff on her blog, though that damn twitter gadget needs to burn.

    Hey, you don't suppose she did any UDT work in the Navy? Posts on that would kick ass.

  18. Thanks for warming up my popcorn with the flaming finger, Lovebites.

    I tend to like assholes that know they are assholes, but there is one caveat; they must be funny as fuck. And because I trust LB´s ability to find funny-as-fuckery from a mile away, there´s no way I´m gonna dig dig dig to find the funnies.

    Her last post about science and policy had me ok, who can argue with fucking science? Cognitive Dissonance put me to sleep. Conversations with Karma made my eyes glaze over. The post about trolls got a "ha" out of me but not a "ha, ha!", and a realization that she can write. And then a few posts with pictures or videos and minimal text and...I´m bored.

    But, you know, I probably have fucking ADD.

  19. Listen, some of the smartest people I know have ADD. I tend to think it's because the rest of the universe bores the fuck out of us. We have to have short attention spans to deal with you people.

  20. Ok, that makes me feel better. Would anyone mind crushing up a ritalin pill over my popcorn so I can give this blog a second look?

  21. Talk about supercilious. Heh! We are all, like, exhibits A-Z for that.

  22. Who wants to be the exact opposite of an emo kid?

    The emo kid that works at the McD's down the road from my house has kick ass hair.

    I can't really comment on too much, I've been pondering what her definition of hot chick must be.

    I bet it's crazy technical with a formula and everything.

  23. When I read the whole commenting thing I was thinking I might like this chick, but then reading her actual blog she reminds me of my ex-husband, which is not a good thing. So that makes me hate the blog, but I'm not sure that it's her or just her compatability with my ex.
    Good catch on Hillbillies, that is one of my peeves, since I am a true hillbilly! (from Ky and TN though, not the Ozarks).

  24. I was about to pay this blog a visit until you quoted her comment policy. Now I have an inclination go there and leave deliberately unhelpful remarks. But I don'ts be playin' it like dat. Unless I'm provoked, that is...

  25. I have a big girlie man crush on Russel Brand. Also, biscotti! Aaaaaaayyyyyyy!

  26. gok, you can´t go a day without it can you? Biscotti is better than shredded wheat though.

  27. Some of my favorite people are emo kids.

  28. I need someone to discuss the large blue translucent, obviously circumcised, penis from Watchmen. No one in real life wants to have this convo with me, for some odd reason.

  29. Also, only WE are allowed to be supercilious. And, that is only because any pretensions of superciliousness on our part are 97% campy and 3% serious.

    See, we've learned how to wield the awesome power of the supercilious for good, and not for evil. It's a weapon that can't be trusted in the hands of just anyone.

    ^see what I mean?

  30. No, Blue, I can't.
    LB: I'm not talking about any cock other than mine. Wait, was it attached to Russel Brand?

  31. it was attached to Dr. Manhattan, aka Billy Crudup. It was a nice penis, as peni go, albeit not my favorite hue. But the idea that someone so painstakingly computer rendered that in such detail bothers me. It even sways when Dr. Manhattan walks.

  32. I'd try to have that convo with you if I knew what you were talking about.

  33. I haven't seen the movie, but if you're going to draw penises, you'd better take some pains and get detailed. Otherwise you're just that kid on Superbad doodling dicks.

  34. Thank Me, I thought we were about to get verbally beat with boring genitalia.

  35. Can genitalia really be boring? I would look at ANY genitalia, even verbal genitalia. At least for a few seconds.

  36. I haven't seen it yet.

    But like I told Rassles, it's like Cool Ranch Doritos and that blue Kool-aid that came out when were kids got together and made genitalia.

    I know what I mean and she said she did too.

  37. LB - Not sure what you would have preferred. I mean, the dude's naked. Should they have emasculated him, a la Ken doll? Or should they have done what the comic book did, which was a bit of an immature doodle of a dick?

    Although a huge dangling blue penis was disturbing on the big screen, not least because I was watching the Watchmen with my daughter, I saw the artistic purpose for it. (I am grateful, oh so grateful, I chose not to see this in Imax. I suspect the feelings of inadequacy that would have stirred in me would never have left me.) At least in terms of trying to stay faithful to the source material -- which demanded that Jon Ostrander went naked whenever possible.

  38. I wasn't going to leave a comment because I don't have a blog. So I will just link to my wife's blog, "The Cusp".
    Just wanted to say thanks to Love Bites for taking a stand for Ozarkian hill people.

  39. LB: Doc's dick was a slight distraction, was it not? Because it was pretty, but Just up there, like, "Yes. These are my man-bits. They have nearly the same molecular structure both flaccid and erect, however with some fun little additions. Sometimes there are seven of me, and hence, seven blue penises. You got a problem? Because I am perfectly comfortable with this."

  40. Not to mention the fact that blue balls like that can be incredibly painful.

  41. I think the blue penis was fine. it's just that we saw so much of it. There was hardly a scene to be seen where the blue penis wasn't standing at prominent attention or swinging gently. I mean, usually if you see peen in a movie, it's a, "omg, did I actually see penis?"

    This movie, there was peen, peen, peen, peen, peen, in your face in almost every scene.

    And, yes, the cavalier attitude towards peen was unsettling. I'm not used to seeing naked cock without it creating some sort of reaction in me. And frankly, I LIKE IT THAT WAY.

    The day I get used to seeing peen day in and day out, with no subsequent rise in excitement is the day I'm headed to the fucking nursing home for good. Or, the pulse has left my body.

  42. (thanks for giving me the opportunity to get this off my chest)

  43. And, for the record, it's a magnificent cock. I sat there thinking, "I wonder if this is Billy's cock, or a stunt penis." But it is like an odd collision between kool aid blue raspberry and a gay porno mag.

  44. LB, I had no rea desire to see Watchmen until now. I think I must see the magnificent blue peen.

  45. Maybe one day, when I'm a grown-up, an incoming link from "Ask" won't make me soil myself. (Thanks for the shout out.)

  46. LB: You had a blue peen on your chest?
    Janiece: It's more fun when a reviewee fights. Alas, you've taken it up the ass with not so much as an utterance of, "Slow down!" And, yeah, that hillbilly shit? Knock it off. There is nothing smart or attractive about being what smells like biggotry to me. I love it that the Love Bites pointed to the Highway Hags. They live just an hour or so away from us and are amazingly intelligent. And Hellbilly? That is a heart and mind that is simply unbeatable. I wish you could meet him in person.
    God...I'm turning this into a husband lovefest. Oh well, I just love it when people meet my hubs and find out it might do them some good to listen.

  47. LB, good thing you didn´t go into the medical profession.

    I can occasionally see genitalia in a sort of discover channel way. Like in a porn where they just zone in on the genitalia and you lose everything that´s going on around. That shit starts looking medical to me.

  48. Seeing as how I ran around in my barefeet for most of my childhood and I actually go to the Ozarks on many, many weekend...

    Well just sigh.

    This is me and my hillbilly feet sighing.

    And drinking Kool-aid too.

  49. BB, I am actually barefoot and pregnant 99% of the time (75% on the barefoot part, but 100 on the preggo). Living the hillbilly dream. And I live in the Hill Country now, does that count for anything?

  50. Rachie - I'm pretty sure that means you rawk at keister stashing.

  51. Janiece: It's more fun when a reviewee fights. Alas, you've taken it up the ass with not so much as an utterance of, "Slow down!" And, yeah, that hillbilly shit? Knock it off. There is nothing smart or attractive about being what smells like biggotry to me.

    mongoliangirl, I'm not sure if I should apologize for being too agreeable or say thank you.

    I would like to reassure you that the "Hillbilly" title is truly not bigotry, and LB is correct that the right term should probably be "white trash." The "Hillbilly" label came up when my sister was telling me the initial story, and she called her neighbors "hillbillies." The "When Hillbillies Attack" title came directly from that, rather than any intent to offend or make generalized comments about families who originate from the Ozarks.

    So if the term offended, then you have my apology.

  52. She has obviously figured out the exact equation for making friends and it includes something about being nice in there or something.

    For the record? Don't talk about white trash or trailers either, I caught hell for that once. Oh and don't talk about the states of Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma or Texas.

    Actually, I'm going to free up Oklahoma for comment. I hate Oklahoma.

    And they totally don't even mind when you call them "Okie" as odd as that may seem.

  53. Fuck Oklahoma.

    And New Mexico.

  54. Oklahoma and Arkansas, not to mention Alabama and Mississippi are fair game for disparaging stereotypes.

  55. Fuck India. And Arkansas. And your mother.

  56. Janiece: Yeah, I've got to agree with you that taking it up the ass without complaint can leave a person on the horns of a dilemma about what, exactly to do. Gratitude? Fear? Shame? Who knows?
    Do whatever you want with the hillbilly shit. Seriously. I honestly couldn't give a shit what anyone thinks about me, Hellbilly, where we live or how we live. In the end I'm just going to continue flying my own freak flag as I wish anyway.

    Rachie & BB: My smelly bare feet send love and respect, bitches!

    Oh, and fuck Vermont!

  57. Having actually fucked Vermont and Oklahoma, I can only say that you should look for a state with softer earth. Less painful.

  58. But if you fuck Oklahoma deep enough, eventually you'll hit oil.

  59. I wonder what's going to happen when I fuck Canada.

  60. Yeah, but if you fuck Vermont deep enough you get maple syrup. Ummmmmmm...pancakes!

  61. God: You would get even MORE maple syrup. Ummmmm...pancakes!

  62. MG - Hillbilly feet don't smell because they are always in the fresh, Ozark air. Sometimes? They are in the lake too.

    Has no one hit Florida yet? Oh wait. Never mind.

  63. In Soviet Union, Florida hits you!

  64. BB: My hillbilly feet smell like fresh Ozarkian air and purple irises. And the spring pond. And sometimes dog shit if I don't look where I'm going. Ummmmm...pancakes!

  65. Medved: Didn't Ronald Reagan blow up the Soviet Union? I also think AC/DC may have helped by going over there and rockin' out to 'For Those About to Rock (We Salute You)'.
    Ummmmmm...pancakes! Floridian pancakes!

  66. Hmmm. I don't think so. But I am pretty sure that Pink Floyd tore down the wall.

  67. I didn't like this lady's blog or writing style. So I would like to feel superior. However, she's been posting since 11/2007 and has 56,700 hits and I've been posting since 10/06 and have only 30,000+ hits. So what do I know.

  68. Hits, Ari? Fuck. I'm gonna vomit. It's not about fucking hits. Medamnit, I haven't been this disgusted in quite some time. We're talking about mothafuckin hits?

  69. Today is not one of the days when I remember that I started blogging because I love to write and loved the idea that blogging was yet another venue. Today I'm marking my umpteenth month of no job, and there's nothing like being unemployed to make you feel invisible. So today I want hits, hits, hits on my blog. And lots of comments. I want popularity. I want to be Miss Big-Ass Blog Queen.

    I'll get over it.

  70. Today is not one of the days when I remember that I started blogging because I love to write and loved the idea that blogging was yet another venue. Today I'm marking my umpteenth month of no job, and there's nothing like being unemployed to make you feel invisible. So today I want hits, hits, hits on my blog. And lots of comments. I want popularity. I want to be Miss Big-Ass Blog Queen.

    I'll get over it.

  71. Keeping track of hits is like watching the People's Choice Awards and hoping that Rosie O'Donnell beats Ricki Lake for Best Daytime-Talkshow Douchebag.

    Wait, what year is this?


Grow a pair.