Hi Y’all. It’s yo’ Mutha here. You knew you couldn’t keep me away. Sucks to be you.
My victim today is April, from April’s Little Family. April has a cute little blog with lots of adorable baby pictures and, for the most part, mercifully short text entries.
I can sum this up with the following formula, where ALF = April’s Little Family:
Have you ever rented a movie and found that it was just too inane to even bother watching to see how it ends? This blog is like that movie.
April likes to Twitter. Doesn’t that sound Spring-timey? Yes, here’s her recent twitter talk:
...sleepy
kids and hubs are sleeping... house is quiet :-)
...and, it's morning againg :-)
nighty-night everyone. sleep well :-)
if you're looking for me, check the couch cushions.
every time i start to feel good about life, i look at our credit card balances. then i feel like puking. blech.
Now that last entry - I can get into that. Let us into that dark place where credit worries are making you sneak a beer out of the fridge. But she’s not going there, at least not with us. Does April have a hidden secret blog somewhere? Does she have someplace where she writes about her latest shaving mishap, her secret sexual desires, about hiding her secrets from her husband, being so pissed off that she is just about ready to explode?
Nah, she’s perky.
Too bad, I like those dark, bitchy mommy blogs. I’m perpetually in search of the Alfred Hitchcock of mommy bloggers. Still, over 50 people are following her twitteronomy, so there must be something going on. I delve in to her archives to find something substantial:
Hubby stuff
baby stuff – Dear Lord in Heaven, YES! They’re cute already, can you stop now?
stuff about her colds
stuff about her house
car stuff
Some Very Long Posts, which strike me as haikus gone terribly wrong.
I did find one nice post about April hitting a man with her car. Otherwise, I’m getting nothing here.
Who should read April? The 55 people who already follow her on Twitter.
Who should NOT read April? Anyone else on the face of the planet.
How can it sum it up in a rating? One Very Dirty Diaper. This blog stinks and it needs to be changed. That’s your job, April.
Wow, I didn't know there were any actual pictures of Jason Bateman in his diaper.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I went there.
Not everyone Twitters about Robot Vagina like me. And that is just a cold, hard fact that we have to face.
ALF actually makes the show ALF look like a snuff film. Who knew?
ALF makes me miss the television show ALF, which in comparison actually had style and substance.
ReplyDeleteBTW, I missed you, too, Mutha.
ALF had cat eating and nosy neighbors. Don't you wish April did?
ReplyDeleteI loved ALF. I hate this blog.
ReplyDeleteWow. There's something that GoK and I agree on.
ReplyDeleteIs Armageddon afoot?
Speaking of ALF, do you know the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain?
OK, this blog is the epitome of the mommyblog as seen through most people's eyes:
ReplyDeletephotos of kids? CHECK
inane ramblings about minutae? CHECK
substance akin to overdiluted formula? CHECK
appearance that sole purpose of blog is to fill nap time? CHECK
That being said, she seems to be doing something right. She can throw up a pile of shitty camera phone photos that all look identical and still get 10 comments.
At least she's connected to her audience. An audience that is clearly as boring and vapid as she is, but an audience nonetheless.
Yeah, the whole blog is a snooze. Perfect assessment. Apparently she has a nice little following, though. So good for her, I guess. I think her husband is pretty cute judging by that picture on her recent post. But that's the only positive thing I have to say about this blog.
ReplyDeleteAs crazy as it is, when I resort to pictures of my kid and stories of his possession, I always like double the comments.
ReplyDeleteThe world is a jacked up place.
Oy. If this was the real world, I think April would be the kind of mom who'd get me on a tired day, invite me for a play date. Then after the play date, I'd hate myself for going, and change all my phone numbers. And move.
ReplyDelete(To her credit, April wouldn't give a shit. The perky ones never do.)
This seems to be yet another blog where I'm not really sure why she submitted for review. I don't think she's looking to improve her writing or her blog.
ReplyDeleteDoug: no, Armageddon is more like a third nipple: the only proof of it is in movies.
ReplyDeleteApril seems like she would be someone I would never purposely subject myself to.
Those are some darling kids. And I usually just ignore those under, say, 13. But I'd totally pinch those kids' cheeks.
ReplyDeleteThe rest of the blog? Like pinching a loaf.
I shouldn't have said that.
James Bond's supernumerary nipple was hot, even if Roger Moore was past the point of being able to pull off that whole shirtless thing.
ReplyDeleteCal, the nipple wasn't Roger's. It was on the Man with the Golden Gun, remember? Mr. Scaramanga had the extra nip.
ReplyDeleteOh, don't even try to correct me on Bond, dude. Roger Moore got a fake nipple from Q and wore it to gain access to Hai Fat's house as Scaramanga.
ReplyDeleteOooooh, good call. My bad, Cal. I'm going to remove my foot from my crank now.
ReplyDeleteAlso, one of the best Bond Girl names ever: Chew Mee.
ReplyDeleteSorry. I get a little twisty about Bond. Ask LB about my tattoo.
ReplyDeleteNo, Cal, you were in the right. I would have done the same. So do I have to ask LB, or is she going to volunteer the info? I'm still not sure how this works.
ReplyDeleteOh, hell, I don't even know when she'll make an appearance. I have a 007 tattoo. There. Now you don't have to ask.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason Cal's comment about pinching a loaf has completely cracked me up today. Of course, I am regularly fascinated by crap. That being said, aren't you surprised I'm not one of April's follwers?
ReplyDeleteNow, if you will excuse me, I need to go twist a wicked cable. I wonder if it will look like ALF!?
Most turds look like ALF, don't they? I'd have to check the Bristol Stool Scale.
ReplyDeleteBeing informed of the Bristol Stool Scale is going down as one of highlights of 2009. And it's only March! Fuck, Cal! You are doin' me right today woman!
ReplyDeleteWoah! I am officially crownin'!
Should I have said that?
Uh oh...Miss Missives is here. She's the one who accused me of oversharing in my review because I talked about poop so much.
ReplyDeleteSorry Miss. Dry hump?
Yep, she's got a big following, just like Rosie O'Donnell.
ReplyDeleteOr Ryan Seacrest.
Or Hitler.
Super.
When I was a kid I had an ALF pencil topper. I shoved it up my brother's ass one day when I was mad at him.
ReplyDeleteI miss that ALF pencil topper...
Oh, and nice to see you back QM.
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't know how I survived without you people for so long.
ReplyDeleteAnd that, punk, is why Uncle B is gay.
ReplyDeleteGhost, EXACTLY!
ReplyDeleteNote to self: Never get the hooker mad. Unless you've got a jar of Vaseline handy.
ReplyDeleteNote to self: You always have a jar of Vaseline handy.
ReplyDeleteWhen purchasing Vaseline go for the tube, not the jar.
ReplyDeleteJust a little tip.
Good point Tits. Cross contamination is BAD.
ReplyDeleteDuly noted.
ReplyDeleteBut the jars are so nostalgic, aren't they? Not that I need to be nostalgic when I'm being reamed or anything, and, of course, my genital/anal health is more important than kitsch. I'm sure.
And anyway, I'm more of a "Just Like Me" girl, really.
heh, twitter.
ReplyDeleteUgh. Horrid. Unless you're making money. Even then it's hard to say twitty things. For me anyway. That's where having several personalities comes in handy. One of them is nice 1% of the time, and that's enough to get by.
This one isn't so twitty tho.
http://twitter.com/TheRudeTypist
I don't think traffic is converting over here. I looked.
But its a fun novelty and I think you all deserve my Obnoxious.
Go vote. Defeat Hilton.
As for the blog?
------------
Lust Bites,
ReplyDeleteYou enjoy ripping these bloggers a new one, don't you?
Cal is on a roll today! I vote for pinching a loaf as my fav. comment just because I haven't heard it in so long and that is the best.
ReplyDeleteDPH, I'm not sure how you got so near your bro's anus on multiple occassions? I don't have that type of relationship with my brothers.
Queen Mutha did today's review, I just posted it for her. Maybe I should fix that.
ReplyDeleteDid you really just review my Twitter account? There's a good reason I don't keep a stream on the sidebar. It's boring. I know that.
ReplyDeleteWhy did I submit? Morbid curiosity, I guess.
I'm not especially perky, so I suspect you didn't delve too far into the blog. Which is fine, I respect that you're not into the mommy-blog thing. But as for a review? Meh. Sounds like you're bored with your job. And I know, you're just going to say you were bored with my blog. Which, fine. You probably were. But that doesn't mean you should half-ass your review.
No, I'm not looking to make improvements. I know it's a glorified photo album, and I'm ok with that.
Sorry to waste your time.
Wait. No, I'm not.
Wow - someone submits a "photo-album" to a free review site and complains about the review being "half-assed"?
ReplyDeleteFuck yooooooo.
Take your "morbid curiosty" and shove it up your twitter.
No, I may be all raccoon, but I'm a purist when it comes to predator/prey relations.
ReplyDeleteI'd rather read Lisa Welchel's uber fundamentalist journal than this April person's blog.
ReplyDelete(Lisa Welchel, for the uninformed, played Blaire on the Facts of Life and is known for photoblogging the time her husband fell off the roof)
I'd love to but I'm about to get on the phone with GoK's mother and I need to save all my witty remarks for that conversation.
ReplyDeleteShort version: April, delete your blog, burn your computer and think about taking a vow of silence for a year.
Ah - THAT explains why you were so mad earlier, Key. I was, and am, completely out of touch when it comes to comment-board etiquette, evidently.
ReplyDeleteWhen Daddy Fell Off the Roof. Maybe April can fall off the roof to spice things up.
ReplyDeleteBetter yet, maybe Mutha can push her off. I'm a huge fan of aggravated assault when required to spice up a deadly dull blog.
ReplyDeleteIs it possible for someone to "accidentally" get their teeth kicked in?
ReplyDeleteNJ, you've been away too long. I will say this. April has a real pretty mouth. And by pretty, I mean it's large.
ReplyDeleteIt does make it ever so much better when someone whose blog is a glorified photo album gets her nipples in a twist and fights back about the half-assed review she received.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, in that it hasn't bothered her to do a half-assed blog for all this time. I'd think she'd feel right at home.
I have to honest:
ReplyDelete1. Key, I agree.
2. "Fuck my bowels" made me laugh out loud.
3. Something tells me we could get April off the interwebs with a really powerful bug-zapper.
I have to. Honest.
ReplyDeleteGOK: Go choke on your popcorn, douchebag.
ReplyDeleteNJ: Don't host a free review site if you don't want to read blogs that are submitted. Now, do me a favor and get GOK in the ass while he's bent over gagging. On popcorn, or my blog. I don't know or care. Baby oil works well if you don't have vaseline handy.
LB: And again, Meh. I thought this was a review site? Bring it on.
Wah wah, too many pictures. Oh, and she twitters.
At least you folks usually read the what you're reviewing. Crappy blog or not, that review looked like the cliff notes version of a middle school book report.
DPH: Really? Your last post was about texting with your future mother-in-law. You managed to make a could-be-funny story about sex *yawn* boring. At least I wrote about pissing myself and big black cocks. But, wait, you probably didn't know that. Because you didn't read the fucking blog.
Ooooh, you got me good April.
ReplyDeleteBig difference here? I got an I Fucking Love You from this site. You just didn't. Neener, Neener, I'm gonna suck my fiance's weener. Skank.
What?
ReplyDeleteHey, April: did you see how your logic got all twisted up on you there?
Like, should we invert it? Maybe we charge people to submit and then not read the submissions?
Yeah - actually, that's a super idea! Thanks for your help, April!
Oooooooooooh, DPH, maybe it's cause they don't always read the blogs and just saw your T&A header. Or, maybe it's cause you're sleeping with GOK. I don't know or care. Never expected a good review. Just an actual review.
ReplyDeleteHeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy NJ - so, all you'd be changing is the charging thing? Sounds great! You bend over first!
ReplyDeleteWait! Better idea - why don't we charge for submissions, read the submitted works, and then completely forego the review? 'Cause, let's face it, April: you didn't want a review so much as you wanted someone to tell you you're special.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, you wouldn't have dropped that pile of mule-shit on our doorstep.
This is exactly what I'm talking about. I never get the feisty ones. But, to satisfy myself:
ReplyDeleteApril, dear, you shouldn't be allowed to write your own name. That fucking bad. Shouldn't have to dig around that shit heap to find one post about black cock. Again, I see your mouth, and I would rather hear about it on some black cock than read about fucking 'baby whispering'. You can't have it both ways. You're either a degenerate, or you're the girl in the picture. Your little performance here was much more interesting than anything I have found on your autofellating felchfest of a blog.
Aaaaaaaannnnnnnddddd, it hurts me to say this, but you may be more immature than I am.
And, my logic wasn't twisted, I was just encouraging you to take advantage of GOK being bent over.
ReplyDeleteThis is great: I haven't been here in, what, three months? I'm long overdue for spending the night matching "wits" with someone who considers "bend over" a powerful epithet.
ReplyDeleteAnything else in that loose, rattling cannon of comebacks, April?
April: Does the carpet match the pubes?
ReplyDeleteOh, gee whiz, no, NJ. Guess I'm done playing with the Big Boys. This little eggshell's done-did cracked and oozed out. Off to prattle on about some more vapid nothing. Have fun on your next skewering. Best of luck getting someone with more wit and fiest.
ReplyDeleteDPH: I'm almost positive she thinks Key & I are jocks from high-school who'll become paralyzed at even the inference of gayness.
ReplyDeleteSilly girl.
You make your own luck, April. That's the theory, at least: you certainly didn't make much luck for yourself over here, though.
ReplyDeleteNJ: Good game!
ReplyDeleteJust make sure you're clean-shaven, Key - I'm up for a lot, but beard-on-beard ain't at the top of my list.
ReplyDeleteNj: Totally, I can't get down with beard on beard. Anywhere.
ReplyDeleteYes, that is a good start.
ReplyDeleteWow. I'm confused as to why April is angry. She said she expected a bad review. So then what's the problem? I'm seriously confused. She is basically saying that the reviewer didn't read her blog. But apparently the reviewer did so and found it boring. Very boring. As did I. That "History of Me" post was painfully boring. Then I saw "Beer is Good" and thought, "Well, this could be good. I like beer." But it was basically just like "I did this" "then I did this" "then he did that". I couldn't even read the whole thing. So if the reviewer didn't get very far then I can certainly understand. April just seems bitter to me. And she didn't get a bad review because her blog wasn't read; she got a bad review because her blog was read. But I guess it's easier for her to delude herself that her genius went undiscovered because the blog reviewer was lazy. Bullshit.
ReplyDeleteWhat, what?
ReplyDeleteI think the layout is neat and tidy and not unpleasant to the eye. As is her whole family.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately the actual content ie mummy blogs doesn't interest me so I wouldn't normally look at it. Again each to their own and clearly that's not a fault.
I would only question the need to 'delve' into the blog to discover the real content. I took a gander at Sept 2008 (58 posts) and there are just so many photos loading that I struggled to read any of the words in between.
In most cases they looked like they would be nothing more than explanations of said photos rather than posts about big black dicks.
I think I like April over here better than I like her on her blog. Do we bring out the interesting in people? Nah, I'm flattering myself.
ReplyDeleteAs to the Hooker's review, I'll have you know I read the entire dang-diddly thing and loved it, stem to stern. I even told her she wasn't a great writer and I STILL loved it.
Also, April? Cute husband. So you've got the genetics and the cute department nailed. That's something to cling to in the cold dark night of blog review bitterness, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteSorry. I'm being all nice again. Dammit.
LB -
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, that's the second time you've had to point out to me that I got the identity of the reviewer wrong around here. This is getting embarrassing.
Second, I'm impressed that you actually used the word "clap" - I didn't think anyone did anymore. It's only thanks to AC/DC that I know the term.
Finally, lust. I think there's an assumption that lust ranks below love on some sort of unspoken scale of value. I'm guilty as charged here, but society is to blame. I've been trying to change my attitude towards this, though. I'm giving lust a chance.
Yeah! I'm somebody's bitch. And by somebody, I mean Calamity.
ReplyDeleteThere were words to read on April's blog that weren't photo-shopped onto pictures? Is April under the mistaken impression that she writes?
ReplyDeleteHow deep should a reviewer have to go into your blog to find something you've written, you daft cunt?
If you can't hook the average browser on the FIRST DAMN PAGE, they aren't going to click any farther.
It amuses me that April would rather bitch about the "shoddy" review she received here (I agree 116% with the mutha, for the record) than fix her lame ass blog.
The template is cute. It's a shame that the content is as shallow as April's personality.
April, you're like one of those people who auditions for American Idol under the mistaken impression you can sing, and then gets tweaked when Simon rips you a new one.
We're Simon, you're fucking tone deaf William Hung.
You think you write. But you don't. Thus, what is there to review?
Lil Richard:
ReplyDeleteYou can totally lust for someone you love, and it in no way demeans them. In fact, letting a little lust into your love can really spice things all the hell up.
Do it, and get back to me on the results.
For the record, every woman wants to be lusted after.
Dick: some women even like to be lusted on. Give that a shot.
ReplyDeleteOr at least, speaking for myself, I do. I want to look across the room into my boyfriend's eye and see a hint of a knowing little leer there. If I don't see that, I'm not with the right guy.
ReplyDeleteAnd, yeah, lusted on is pretty okay, too.
ReplyDeletep.s. regarding April, her name is listed in the dictionary under "vapid."
ReplyDeleteBeing lusted on is warm and gooey.
ReplyDeleteDamnit! You distracted me from the original question here with all that talk about lust. I think I need 10 minutes in the broom closet to refocus.
ReplyDeleteOkay, that's better. Now - I have no doubt that you'd rather read good blogs rather than shitty ones, but I sense a certain delight that you take in dressing down the bad ones. I'm not saying this as an accusation - if you're into it and they asked for it, then it's all good. I'm just trying to have a "getting to know you" type moment here. Capice?
(My Italian's a little rusty. Perhaps Calamity can offer a correction on that last one).
My Italian is rusty from lack of use. I do know that capice is right, though. As is va fan culo.
ReplyDeleteWould definitely "cling" to that husband. But am wondering what the fuck possessed her to request a blog review? Has she READ the reviews on this blog? Will they make her cry? Can she send sexy hubby to spank me and cuddle me too?
ReplyDeleteFuck, getting hot. Must go find a fuck buddy and take care of business.
That must be an Italian insult, and probably one of a sexual nature, knowing this place. Speaking of which,
ReplyDeleteMia Watts - Would you grace us with a full report on that after you're done?
Anyway, I never got far with Italian, pero puedo hablar un poco de Espanol.
I might enjoy it, slightly. But, I don't kick puppies and kids in wheelchairs.
ReplyDeleteDear April,
ReplyDeleteI didn't take the time to read all 107 comments, but I wanted to respond to some of your complaints.
Not only do I review the blog, I review the links as well, assuming that they are relevant. I found that they were, because they reflect who you are. I did like that last entry, because I could relate to it. I am stressed about bills, too.
I am not bored with reviewing, this is the first review I have done in a while, maybe I was a bit overzealous, but really, the blog is just a photo blog.
Now that's fine for family, friends, that sort of stuff. And be assured, you can submit a photo blog here, but unless you are shooting like Ansel Adams, you might get laughed at.
And that is what this was. I was laughing at you. This site generates the traffic that it does because people are mean and like to laugh at others. People with lame blogs submit and thereby give us the right and privilege to laugh at them.
The cooler bloggers laugh along with us, because they know that it's true.
I didn't bother to point out the technical failings in your blog, because frankly, your blog is not visually offensive - although it is bland.
I just found it to be fluff.
Give me some substance. Shoot me some links to something that rocks. But if I have to dig through your monthly archives, I might just miss it because you are posting so much fluff that I go right into scan mode. It's like sorting the mail. If there's so much junk mail, you might accidentally trash the mortgage bill.
If you categorize your posts by category, and list your "best posts", that will draw attention to your best work. Don't fall into the trap of using a million categories. Use about ten. Just gently clarify your content.
I know that blogging can be a great way to network and to relieve stress, but don't expect everyone to love what you write. You have at least 55 solid readers. For the content that is offered, I think that's great. 55 people want to see those photos.
If you change your content, you might lose some of those readers, but you might gain others. In the end, write what you want, let the readers read it if they want to.
There. You got two reviews for the price of one. Don't be bitter or confrontational, it's just not worth it in the end.
And, if you do want to be confrontational, go for it. Whatever flips your jumpers.
Mutha.
LB - I trust that you're not a bad person. We all have our nasty side.
ReplyDeleteMia - Gracias por escribirme. I took the whine and cry route and it was fun, so go for it. But I have this alter-ego I call Charles (should be Jack) that helps me a lot with this. It's strange, I know.
BTW, is "throbbin' robbin" your dildo? Just wondering. William Burroughs wrote about one called Steely Dan (yes, like the band).
I think I got drool on me from way over here in Florida, Mia, you slavering beast.
ReplyDeleteDamn, sorry Cal. Lemme get that for ya.
ReplyDeleteDickie Whackman- Google it if you must, but most impressive when in a pinch. Lights, pumping, rotation, vibration. Wish men had such functions. But alas, it is still a poor substitute.
Would lend to GoK's ass research if believed it humanly possible to remove traces of him afterward. Think my robin will feel violated.
This site draws, by far, the most raunchy crowd of people that I have ever seen. Although, you know, I don't get out much in The Big Woods.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I need to use hand sanitizer my keyboard. But it will never be clean again...
Actually, Richard, I have to say that I am often rather pissy after a bad review. I always hope to find a diamond in the dunghill of the blogosphere, and more often, I turn up with a handful of shit. It's disappointing.
ReplyDeleteI don't enjoy an ass reaming nearly as much as I enjoy fucking loving someone.
For sheer joy, you can't beat the glory of finding someone whose words just sing.
ReplyDeleteI spent the last few minutes reading a poem written by a 15-year-old friend of my daughter, and it was brilliant, beautiful. I love that above all other things.
Except great sex. Gotta make note that great sex is better than great words.
ReplyDeleteRaunchy is an understatement. That's why you need to both stay away and be here at the same time, Queenie.
ReplyDeleteLB, great sex is better than ANYTHING!
ReplyDeleteOK, now I am getting nervous, as I find not one ounce of this whole thing raunchy. I think I should take a look at that. Seriously. I suspect I will discover it all goes back to a time I woke up and found a giant dildo going 'round and 'round over my head from where it was suction cupped to a ceiling fan.
ReplyDeleteFuck, looks like I better go into trauma therapy. Again!
Damn, I missed all the fun.
ReplyDeleteAnd I like April better with the balls she just found.
The balls were surprising and enchanting. Really. I like people with some backbone.
ReplyDeleteSo, should I review Doug at Taunt Vortex or leave him dangling for another week?
ReplyDeletePoor Doug. It's like he's been kept in a corner with a gimp suit and a ball gag, waiting to be punished.
ReplyDeletePlease do, I think I may come down with trackball induced carpal otherwise.
ReplyDeleteLB - So you're a romantic. I knew we had something in common.
ReplyDeleteMia - Do I want to know what Gok's "ass research" is?
Anyone who knows me would confirm that I am indeed a hopeless romantic cum dirty girl.
ReplyDeleteAll is explained about April by reading her profile:
I'm an Attorney gone Mommy gone Rabid Mommy Blogger commenting on my day to day life staying at home with small children, a needy dog and a self-employed-work-from-home-part-time-student husband. This blog started as a glorified photo album and, well, is still a glorified photo album. I'm sometimes funny, but often not.
My free time is spent blogging, cooking and crocheting.
All attorneys suck ass aside from Lawgirl, Crowley, and the guy who handled my divorce. Plus they all think they're smarter than they actually are. Fuckers.
LB, check your email.
ReplyDeleteJesus, look at all the pretty comments.
Rassles, dude, you totally rock.
ReplyDeleteLawyers??? How about Dentists?
ReplyDeleteQuestion: What's the difference between doctors and dentists?
Answer: Doctors think that they are God. Dentists think they are doctors.
And lawyers think everybody's fair game...even God ;)
ReplyDelete