Friday, March 06, 2009

Shut Your Piehole

A review from Rassles, who I for one fucking love.


Disclaimer: It is four o’clock in the morning right now. I just got home from the Watchmen premiere, and I’m predictably pleased and provoked. And pooped. So Doug, I want to apologize that you’re not getting the sassiest review. But I’m not really that sorry, because you’ve been incessantly poking people in the paunch to pull this review out of their pockets, and that gets old.

I am one alliterate asshat right now.

For the record, I just did that thing where someone clears her throat for effect, in this case to cue the commencement of the review, and I don’t know how to spell it.

About a year ago, during one of the many times in my life I ran out of money for a week or two, a couple of friends and I decided that we were going to have good, old fashioned sober fun, junior high-style.

So we rode our bikes over to 7-11 and bought some Slurpees (total lie, we drove) and headed out onto the mean streets of Chicago, armed with Sharpees and a stack of stolen napkins, hunting douchebaggy cars.

Lexus in an alley? “Behind you.”

BMW by the lake? “Open your trunk.”

Maybe not the cleverest quips, or the dirtiest, but it really wasn’t that kind of night. This was about entertaining ourselves. There were Venn Diagrams and flow charts and “sorry about your headlight.” People would stare at us with our Big Gulps, coeds in their late twenties, running around cars and giggling like sixth graders, leaving napkins under windshield wipers.

To be clear, Doug does not write like a sixth grader. It’s that I’m almost ashamed at enjoying some of his stuff, because ideally I want in-the-know wit and a grand nexus of faint metaphor and the spirit of chuckles amidst the blood and the soul and the fists. I want fucking brilliance, and now I’m giggling because he said “piehole,” which is a much greater word, I think, than people realize.

I’ll bet Doug’s family and friends get a big fat kick out of his blog, because I’m sure it reads exactly how he speaks. To a stranger however, it looks like you’re having a blast, but I really like another kind of fun.

Not the biggest fan of the snarkyfauxnewscommentary. Snarkyfauxnewscommentary is fucking tired and basically fucking never ever ever fucking interesting, unless a writer either (a) is the first to comment on whatever news issue, or (b) dexterously weaves it into a personal experience. And there’s a lot of that crap in here, without necessarily following (a) or (b). Frankly, I just skipped reading them after the first thirty-seven.

His strongest posts relate to his family. Doug’s wife sounds like one good woman. This is good fun. Nearly always, though, I hit an interesting story that you NEED TO EDIT. This is a good dialogue buried in introductory dogshit. Take out the first seven paragraphs. They are completely unnecessary. Move a couple key sentences and integrate them into the post later on. Because really, which sentence is a better opener:

“Just so she's not a stripper or something…” my lovely wife joked, because she has a wonderful sense of humor.

All 3 of our children are now over 18 years of age.
Yeah.

We all know that Doug is an avid defender of Humor-Blogs, the fucking According to Jim of the blog world. So his earlier posts end with Humor-Blogs self-pluggery, but within the past couple months they’ve ripened into just-the-tip-just-to-see-how-it-feels quips. Still there, reminding you that no matter what he’s gonna stick it where he wants, but he’s not being a hoodrat about it. It’s nearly charming.

You get a shiny single star. But stick around. Edit. Talk about your Lovely Wife more, and your son that dates the stripper. That’s good shit.

38 comments:

  1. I would like to formally apologize for not giving the clearest of reviews. Nor the most grammatically correct. But you know what, fucking whatever.

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  2. Dude - killer review.

    For the record, I believe the throat-clearing noise you're thinking of is "ahem".

    Wait! I loved your review, remember? You can't be mad at me!

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  3. Great review. I am Hoodrat, hear me stick it.

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  4. Shucks, you guys are just saying that so we can start fighting with someone.

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  5. Rass, we're lovers, not fighters. Just last night I was making out with NJ.

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  6. It's true - we're all about man love up in here.

    Well, that and fighting.

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  7. You guys should star in Mia Watt's next bromance.

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  8. How have I never heard the word "bromance" before? It is in all ways perfect. And hilarious. As is Rass-amataz.

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  9. I will, on two conditions:
    1. She uses my picture. 2. She refrains from using the phrase 'aching penis' unless one of the characters comes down with the syphilis.

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  10. I, unfortunately, will need to use a "stunt-cock" - experience tells me that mine's too mesmerizing to be of any literary use.

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  11. Ghost, how would it be if she used, "throbbing member" or "your manhood"?

    Rass, this review kicked ass. I'm a poet and I didn't know it.

    Someone fucking shoot me.

    I don't want to hear that Mia bitch pipe up either just cause someone mentioned her name.

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  12. Rass- Great review-- I like his blog-- and his wife.

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  13. Awww...I love you Rassles. You and your awesomeness amazes me. Nice review.

    I would also like to announce that the world is feeling like a much friendlier place since NJ and God have decided to get some beard on beard action going. Thanks guys!

    Also? I was cleaning up pee pee infested horse stall bedding today and thinking, "Maaaaaaan, I hope that lame ass Mia comes up with some new material tonight 'cause she's damn near bored me to tears."

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  14. THANK YOU, MG! It's like she has a fucking competition with herself to see how cool she can appear with, "oooh, if I say cock, blow job, etc. enough, they will think I am awesome". No, you're a poser!

    Suck a dick. A real one! Then, tell no one about it cause NO ONE cares!

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  15. God damn, did I have a heaping serving of bitch flakes for breakfast or what?

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  16. Kick ass review.

    And I love Rassles so much is kind of pisses me off to share her with the rest of the world.

    You're welcome world. Don't ask for anymore.

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  17. Uh oh, looks like someone piddled on your Post Toasties this morning DPH.
    ha ha ha hafuckinghaaaa! I hate it when people say chipper shit like that. Fuck you piddle! Fuck you Post Toasties! And fuck you Mia for all of that repetitive boo-ray-rah-rah-bling-blah too!

    Bestey, I know! Don't you wish you could just pay Rassles to write you letters all the time.

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  18. My worst days are the ones when my posts are so sucky that Rassles doesn't comment. I wait for her brilliance to appear in my gmail.

    And yeah... totally fuck you Post Toasties. You and my fucking pants.

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  19. I will never forget the first time Rassles commented on my blog.

    And, seriously? Post Toasties just need to go fuck themselves along with my pants, my sports bra and anyone with an extended warranty on their car.

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  20. Yes Ghost, my hubs is a tad like Cyrano in that way.

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  21. Tits, that's one of the things I like about him.

    MG: Two words.
    Preventative. Maintenance.

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  22. I agree on the Rassles love. Entertaining review and really right on the money. I do like Doug's family story blogs. It's amazing to me that Rassles apologizes for the review as if it weren't completely excellent. I wish I could write that well on the fly. Rassles is a genius of a writer and yet is so humble about it. How could one not adore her?

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  23. Thanks for the review Rassles.

    That wasn't so bad actually. For some reason I was expecting more Room 101.

    There's really nothing there that I could argue with. I should edit more. I should write more of what you liked and less of what you didn't - but it's sort of evolved in that direction since I first started last August.

    And you're right about the Lovely Wife. She so married beneath her.

    So...how was Watchmen?

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  24. I think April has a boring blog. but, her cooking part is great! Those multi-colored sugar cookies are gorgeous! I must say if I ate anything else on her food blog... I'd be HUGE.
    but, cookies yum!

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  25. Rassles, you rock.

    I don´t know about Doug, haven´t given him enough read, cause I´m a lazy bitch and can´t even keep up with my favorite blogs right now, much less snarky news commentary ones. One star around this joint looks like a fucking golden needle in the hay of meh´s though, so I won´t write him off.

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  26. You are one darkalicious and hilarsquared individual. Great review. I will check out Doug's bloggy blog.

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  27. Bluestreak - It's disappointing that you got that the blog was about "snarky news commentary". Sure, there's some of that in there, but Rassles (bless her heart) sort of misrepresented it. Over my last 28 posts, maybe 3 could be characterized as such. That's like saying Cool Hand Luke is a movie about a guy eating eggs.

    And since there aren't enough critical comments that mention body parts or copulation (yet), I also have to take issue with Rassles opening disclaimer:

    "But I'm not really that sorry, because you've been incessantly poking people in the paunch to pull this review out of their pockets, and that gets old."

    Incessantly? Perhaps she's using sarcasm again. But if she's not, then I'm going to have to completely rethink my concept of "incessantly".

    I checked. I requested a blog review in late October. Somewhere on AAYSR there's a statement that their current queue results in a 4 or 5 week lag from submission to review.

    On January 26th (first comment) I simply asked out of curiosity when I might expect a review. So of course almost three months after I submitted a request, after one query I get labelled as "impatient".

    On Monday, Februay 23rd, I was pleasantly surprised to see my blog on the list of blogs to be reviewed for that week. Of course it didn't get reviewed, and on March 2nd I had the cajones to ask "who dropped the ball" (Second comment).

    So that's two comments about my pending blog review. Two = incessantly. Sort of makes me wonder if someone's significant other has been incessantly haranguing them about having sex. And if someelse responded by saying "that gets old".

    Ok, flog away.

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  28. I think that Doug isn't all bad, but some of the posts are just hard to figure out. Like, the most recent posts about the doings on his neighborhood's online bulletin board...Dude, I have no idea what you are trying to communicate in those posts. You REALLY need to edit. It may all be clear in your head, but it definitely isn't clear in anyone else's what you are talking about half the time.

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  29. You see, Doug, the reason it seemed incessant was due to the fact that usually, people just wait their turn in silence. Obviously your blog is far more enjoyable than 80% of the other ones that are reviewed on here, so it was nothing personal.

    But yeah, the first couple months, everything was boring commentary. The most recent ones were a drastic improvement.

    But I'm just a guest, here.

    To future submitters: Don't ever suggest that the whole blog isn't taken into effect.

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  30. Yeah, Doug, two comments is incessant when compared to the norm. Seriously, are you Indian?

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  31. Well crap. Did you guys take up a 'lude habit over the weekend or something?

    I get all bitchy and whiny and point out the cherry birthmark on the baby's eyelid, and that generates four posts that have zero mention of body parts, sex toys or biscotti?

    You guys are losing your edge. But points for GoK for mentioning Indian.

    Have a great week all. Looking forward to the upcoming reviews.

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  32. Doug, I hope you get raped with a tire iron wrapped in used band-aids.

    Too late?

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  33. give Doug some credit here man, son dating a stripper.... you can't make that shit up.

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  34. Warren - Now that's what I'm talking about! Finally some one steps up to the plate.

    Kudos!

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  35. I've just installed iStripper, so I can watch the hottest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

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Grow a pair.