A guest review from the lovely Betsy Booms.
A blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, “I guess you won't be needing a drink”. Naked lady says...
I'm not going to lie, I struggled with reviewing today's blog. Do I judge her or her blog? Isn't someone's blog just a reflection of who they are? What is the line? The truth about Candice is that at first glance it seems like we would get along. She's sarcastic, blunt and we both just might say something like neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie and think we're awesomely cool, because look at that, we just quoted a movie! We are fucking clever, dude. For reals.
And maybe we would. Maybe we'd meet at some neighborhood block party or possibly at some kid's birthday party, we'd be annoyed that we had to be there, we'd hit the booze a little too hard, which would be so fucking funny, right, and we'd probably spend the entire time people watching and making fun of everyone around us. Because, seriously? Those sunglasses are so two year's ago. What. The. Hell?
The difference though? Candice truly judges you, oh yes, she does. If you don't fit neatly into her world, you are a fucking turd. It's as clear as the nose on her giant face in her header, she loves herself.
Can Candice write? Yes she can. She held my attention and I read every single word she wrote. Even when I wanted to hock a loogie in her ice cream laden mudslide. I predict that she may even rise through the trenches of super popular mommy bloggers and have a following of fellow, superficial, look at me, I can be hip, fo' shizzle husband haters that will think she is just the tits. Although, she could do with some serious editing, her rants are generally about twice as long as they need to be to get her point across.
And what is her point? Well, she is a fucking riot, peeps. I'm also thinking it's that she's a spoiled twat. A twat that relegated being a Democrat to being a Jesus freak, skin head, ax muderer or my personal favorite, a child molester. But OMG, did you see that freak's shoes? To die for!
Read Candice's blog for any period of time and it will become painfully apparent how she feels about people who are overweight. She especially hates those fatties with the scooters in the snack aisle, who doesn't? I called her a husband hater, but do I really think that she hates her husband? No, but being mean and disrespectful to him when he is on a conference call is hifuckinglarious, isn't it Candy? I suspect her husband funds a lot of the shopping trips that provide all the outfits that she spends entire blog posts writing about as she plans for a trip to hang with "her girls" who, I have no doubt, are really deep and so Sex in the City!!! (Must have multiple exclaims!!!) However, her husband is also the same man that produces brilliant little gems like yelling at our newly elected President, "I don't need to watch a retard lie to me."
We get to read all about her manicures and pedicures complete with phonetic spellings that let us know that her nail girl doesn't speak the clearest English.
See, here is the thing about people like Candice that I can't stand. She sneaks it all in there. You have to read between the lines to be smacked in the face with her bigotry, judgment and hate. She flings intelligent words like turd and retard at you all day long, while she cleverly hides her hate for anything different like fat people, Asians and female television repair people.
It's okay though, because she doesn't really say, "Hey fatso, I don't want to sit next you and your freaking fatness on this plane, you fucking Asian Democrat." She's too cute for that. Plus! She peppers it all with clever little parodies of American Idol as well. A hater wouldn't do that!!!
Candice has just about mastered the formula for successful mama blogger. She has an unexplainable celebrity crush that she tosses around to let you know she still needs the sex in her life. She has mastered super hip vocabulary for all you biotches out there.
She's pretty much the valedictorian of her class at the School for Snarky Mama Bloggers, yo. Unfortunately, this is one case where I prefer the posts where she writes about her kids because her kids are funny. Boo-Yah!
Look, whatever the case, you can probably hang with Candice as long as you admit that her television is bigger than yours, her hair is blonder and costs more, oh and her shoes are the freaking bomb, yo!
I don't hate her writing. I strongly dislike her.
For her written ability to keep me reading and entertained I give her:
For her carefully worded, conservative, hating bullshit and linking to humor-blogs dot com:
I'm pretty sure that those fingers are actually flaming Liberals, so she is completely twitching at this point.
Just know, Candice, I've deleted at least a hundred blogs just like yours from my Reader. Someday you are going to have to find a new schtick. A schtick other than being cute, sassy, snarky and spilling your martini as you totter around in your fabulous shoes.