Thursday, May 07, 2009

Body of Evidence: Musician Mommy v. the English Language

This week's victim is really more of a perpetrator if you examine the evidence. Instead of finding a crime scene teeming with torn bloodied appendages, corpses strewn about and epithets penned in blood, you have morbid amounts of random capitalization, ellipses scattered about like shotgun shells left behind after a bank robbery, and more medical talk than an episode of House.

So if MusicianMommyMayhem is the crime scene than I guess today I'm Dr. Fucking G. Nothing like a good autopsy no?

The suspect in question is Larissa, a twenty-something mom who has recently returned to school to pursue a degree in criminal investigation and I hope that's going well for her because the blog? Not so much. Larissa says that,
this is a place for me to spill, unfiltered and untamed
Unfiltered and untamed fine, but you can edit, no? The ellipses, asterisks and gratuitous use of caps nearly drove me to felonious assault. Seriously Larissa, what is it with the asterisks? As for the ellipses, for the love of Charles Manson, I plead of you, finish your thoughts. Much like most serial killers have rituals they employ over and over again, is excessive punctuation your modus operandi, your signature? Larissa I know this is supposed to be your space but you have committed a serious crime against the English language.

This blog is more repetitive than the Law & Order franchise. It is replete with talk of Larissa and her husband's medical problems. Now in fairness, Metallidad has diabetes and Larissa has Fibromyalgia so yes, illness for them is probably front and center. Still, does anyone actually want a breakdown of how well you've slept or haven't slept the past few days? Do I really need to know that you need to see a podiatrist? I know this is your place to unload but is this fodder you really need to reflect upon? I actually read a post entitled The Back of My Head is Numb. Thank you Larissa, that was five minutes of Miss Missives life she'll never get back. A blog is not a place where you wax on about picking up your prescriptions, stopping at Walmart or getting a reservation at Red Lobster. If you are submitting here and expect any kind of praise, it had better be about the writing. I know diabetes is serious but when your husband gets a toe amputated and you cannot even make that interesting, there is a problem.

As for the design, I actually like your header but it's aligned strangely and the tremendous widgetry has got to go. No one is going to MusicianMommyMayhem with the expectation of finding out when the new moon is and the live traffic feed is beyond unnecessary. If you want to keep the music quotes and behemoth blogroll, put them on a separate page. The graphic signature screams amateur scrapper, get rid of it.

Here's the positive. Greyson, your son, is beyond adorable. This post is getting a thumbs up if for nothing more than its brevity. This is the best thing I read. It has a point and a chronology that makes sense. Please note, not every post has to be serious or heart-wrenching but clear, coherent, non-medical ailment related, finished thoughts are a good start.

Yes, I'm levying some pretty serious charges here. When Musician Mommy offers her services as a proofreader, I just about accidentally discharged my weapon right in my mouth. Another post finds Musician Mommy posting lyrics. Nothing says fourteen year old's diary like lyrics people. Nearly everything I read was stream of consciousness, the stuff that belongs in your head, background noise, an internal to do list. Yes, you can brain dump all over the Internet but then don't leave your little corner of the web looking for a review.

Other than that, the indictment is as follows:

ADW, assault with a deadly weapon, the weapon here being a keyboard.
Aggravated assault on the English language.









I sentence you to blogging oblivion and issue you three of these beauties.

51 comments:

  1. What *is* the deal with the asterisks?

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  2. Maybe it's a code that we have to break?

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  3. I think it means the word is stuck between her breasts. Those are like nipples, right?

    Did I break it?

    I hope so, I really don't want to put anymore thought into that theory.

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  4. You know how some people use air quotes? Maybe it's like that but jazzhands.

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  5. Yeah. That particular word is said in a "Just Jack!" kind of way.

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  6. Jazzhands. You just made my day!

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  7. Asterisks are for those who can't afford a bold font. That's what it is supposed to be used for, to emphasize when in an ASCII text editor that doesn't support bold or italic.

    Of course, in Blogger and in Wordpress, I believe that little "B" button comes in pretty handy. No?

    As long as I am pontificating forth, I believe that _underscores_ before and after a word are supposed to indicate "This would have been underlined if that were a motherfucking option in this piece of shit editor." I have forgotten how to indicate italics. Maybe #pound signs#? As good a guess as any.

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  8. Yeah, I actually got what the asterisks were used for.

    I just thought it was silly.

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  9. The thing *is* that *if* you actually read her stuff, most of *the* thing asterisked don't actually make *much* sense.

    *JAZZ HANDS*!!!!

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  10. I'd also like to step forward and declare a blog moratorium on the use of the term "stalkers" for people who read your blog.

    It was once almost clever. Now it's stupid and pathetic. And having been actually stalked (twice - long and sorta funny story, since I'm a guy and it never quite went all Fatal Attraction or anything), I think I know the difference.

    Also -- she says she is "crazy by design". Which means she is faking it. Real crazy, the right kind of real crazy I should say, is fun and interesting. Faked crazy, that's just sort of sad.

    Larissa may be a great person. I don't know. But from here, I felt like I was reading something my sister would have written. And that is not a compliment. Sorry Larissa. You have been judged and have been found wanting.

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  11. Turn. Off. Music. Oh my fucking God. I clicked on one story and got More Than Words and I almost slit my wrists.

    I'm sorry, I have nothing to contribute to today's review because I couldn't stand to listen the fucking music long enough to read her butchery of the English language.

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  12. Blue-I had my volume off the entire review, shite, I didn't even realize there was music. I amend my review and add one more flaming finger.

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  13. I forgot about that! I shut it down as soon as it started, but ummmm yeah, don't assume anyone wants to hear your playlist without asking for it. I don't care if the widget's on the page, but for the love of Rasputin, don't have it start playing automatically.

    Ever.

    And yes, I am feeling a tad bit contankerous today. So what?

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  14. "I'm a musician by heart"

    WTF?!?! Is that a percussion instrument? Or does that mean she memorized what it's like to be a musician? It sounds like she's trying to say she has the heart of a musician, but that's not what it says.

    Or is she actually a musician?

    GAAAAAAAH!

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  15. This blog reminded me of high school, not that I went to school with blogs. I am referring to the mentality and the great *blah* welling in my being.

    Double *jazzhands*, you just want be stalked FF.

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  16. I didn't even have the patience to turn the volume down on my laptop. It was quicker to close the window to get away from the torture.

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  17. I thought the live feed was kind of creepy. As I was browsing her blog, didn't really read much. I saw the asterisks and ran. I was more distracted by the widgets. Then I saw the live feed. It showed my city and how I linked from this site to hers. Creepy. Or is that just me?

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  18. I just wonder if she SPEAKS as *animatedly* as she WRITES.

    And, what is the real emphatic difference between the * and the CAPS? All randomly placed.

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  19. I hate caps and jazzhands. I love italics.

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  20. I cracked the asterisk code!

    The whole blog is in BOLD, so the first time she tried to bold something inline, it didn't bold properly, so she switched to asterisks.

    That makes sense. Admit it.

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  21. SFD - you're probably right. I saw that too. But it doesn't excuse it.

    Unless two wrongs do make a right.

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  22. I wasn't excusing; I was explaining the inexplicable.

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  23. I was never successful at convincing my past girlfriends that Thursday was suckday.

    I did, however, get handjob Sunday into the lineup.

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  24. Reviews like this are why I don't request a review. Well, that and the conflicting inner voices would unbearable.

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  25. Why Gap, cause you don't want a review filled with criminal justice jargon and police cliches?

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  26. No, that was hysterical.

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  27. Why thank you. Ps. Missmissives loves crazies and cats so you might fare better than you think.

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  28. "Your blog's URL:*"

    More like its coffin.

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  29. Ok, that music...fucking ruined my day.

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  30. Done.

    That "Time" BS is some sort of test. I'm surprised some people make it past that field.

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  31. More Than Words???? Blues, you're a doll for saving me from Ronan Bleating fuckwittage...was just about to click on the bloglink.

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  32. Yargh. More than words is that crap Extreme song, innit? This fucking cold is killing my brain cells.

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  33. Crowley, it's better than Mr. Big's 'Be With You'. Yeah, that's what was playing when I clicked over.

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  34. It's criminal, I tell you...Metallidad AND Extreme and Mr. big on the same blog??? Somethin' ain't right in dicksylvania....

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  35. Be wit you? haaaaaaWait, I mean *haaaaaa*!!!

    By the way, I was playing music videos for the bebe yesterday because she's sick and cranky and it keeps her from biting my face off and you know who's totally underrated? Queen. Fucking Queen is way more awesome than I remember.

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  36. Ok, I got the Devil Went Down to Georgia, this is fun, it's like bad music bingo.

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  37. It was more like four words that nice. Wesson Oil Oh Yeah.

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  38. I am not a Bon Jovi hater or advocate but isn't Bon Jovi doing Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah just a little sacriledge?

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  39. that night, typing is hard.

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  40. I know, FF, stupid multitasking. Heh, there's a tit in there.

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  41. FF, I am waiting for the Wesson Oil. I hope you are cooking up a good one.

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  42. I am so glad I read these comments before clicking over to read her blog. I dont know that I would have been able to handle More Than Words...

    Volume off. Its still meh.

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  43. So I got lucky. I got to hear the only Buckcherry song I like (Too Drunk...nice and Aerosmithy).

    Metallidad looks way cool, I wish she'd write more about his onstage antics.

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  44. Devil Went Down to Georgia is perfection. It, along with Paul Revere, are probably two of the only songs I know all the words to. Well, except the ABBA opus.

    I've said too much.

    Miss M, stellar review. "Tremendous widgetry" was awesome, but jazz hands/asterisks was my particular favorite. That made my week.

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  45. Ok, I just totally spit my coffee out after reading the jazzhands comment. That's fucking great. You know what's not great? This blog. But, even though I'm sure I'll get made fun of for saying this, I fucking love More Than Words. Can't help it. Always have.

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  46. DPH - Everyone likes something that sucks balls. If more than words is as bad as it gets, you should be fine. But I'd practice more discretion in confessing that if I were you...

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  47. Since when do you need a reservation for Red Lobster?

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  48. She uses *to* *highlight* when she should use bold. She can't use the *bold* option since she writes everything in bold already.

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  49. This post kind of just made my day. It made my day in an OH CRAP I NEED TO EDIT SOME CRAP kind of way--namely ellipses. I'm going to start watching them the way I watch my mouth around my six year-old son. And then I think I should perhaps ditch the "Best Days" (refs to Farmer's Almanac best days for doing stuff like digging holes and stuff)...I thought it was funny at first but then forgot all about it eventually and meant to remove it. I stand convicted. You're a great editor. No mean comments, please.

    Lori@
    hintonrae.wordpress.com

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Grow a pair.