Chronicles of Hernia

Case No. 02 of 2009
India Chronicles vs. AAYSR
Per Crowley, J.

Is it Sheer Coincidence that my first Two Reviews here are of blogs written by Sad Old Bongs* (Bongs = Bengalis, for the benefit of all non-Indians)? Or are my Brethren On The Bench trying to tell me I ought to get rid of my South-Indian Fetish and chase some Bong Tail instead? Oh well, onward, Christian Soldier.

You may notice that a lot of words in the paragraph above are unnecessarily capitalized. Well, that’s only one of the many problems that plague India Chronicles, our latest victim. In short, this blog bored me more than the 40 pounds of litigation brief currently lying on my desk.

India Chronicles is written by one Taposh Chakraborty, who claims to be a reporter of sorts. Whatever it is he reports on, he sure doesn’t do it on his blog. If you can call it a blog at all, that is. Once you wrestle your way past the ten millionth panel of his Tota-Myna (Parrot-Mynah) comic, and his tangential poetry, you realize that this gentleman of letters hasn’t written much at all and what was there wanted to make me tear my eyeballs out.

I wanted to go Timothy McVeigh on TC’s arse, but I have a headache the size of Indo-China after reading his blog, so I’ll just get down to brass tacks.
Will the Petitioner please rise?

1. Your template. Hang on, what template?

2. When you use the word ‘Chronicles’ as part of the title of a blog or any other piece of writing, you are generally expected to chronicle SOMETHING, which, in itself, is a hard enough task. But, when you decide to call your blog ‘India Chronicles’, you up the stakes all the way to Mars. Chronicling an entire country is what only newspapers can do with any amount of success, and you, my dear blogger, are not a newspaper. Not even a newsletter. I’ve seen public notices that are more entertaining and informative. So, ditch the title, because it just doesn’t stick.

3. Now that we’re past the flaccid title, where’s the writing, friend? Oh, sure, there’s a bunch of comic strip-y panels (which are roughly as funny as root canals without anesthesia), and there’s some very obtuse poetry, but nada when it comes to writing. One post on dogs, another one on patenting, and a third one that meanders from chimpanzee behavior into karma and genetics. Fun stuff. Really. Oh, and your views on international politics and diplomacy need an honorary mention at this point:

Why am I writing all this historical stuff ? This myopic eurocentricism is by now well known . After Korea , Vietnam , Iraq , even BBC openly calls its work as “embedded” journalism – not for nothing it is funded by British Foreign Office ; and brazen American`s used to schedule Iraq bombings according to CNN/NBC news schedules! No wonder America has not won any of its wars after WWII. So , why all this now ?

You call this chronicling? I call it whining. Comrade, communism died while you were writing poetry.

4. Are the readers of your blog geriatric or of failing eyesight? No? Then why are most of your posts in this font size? Come to think of it, no two posts on your blog are the same font size or the even same font. Does WordPress hate you that much? Are you aware that you can just type out the post in MS-Word and cut-paste it into the blog’s compose page to avoid these funny-sized posts? A word of advice. In the unlikely event that people do read your blog, the least you can do is make it easier to read.

5. If the jumbo font-size wasn’t bad enough, your posts never quite seem to end. For example, it took 21 punches on my laptop’s Page Down key to reach the end of this masterpiece. And this post is in, what, size 8 font? AND it’s not actually posted, it’s a JPEG! Look, if it takes an entire weekend to go through 10 of your posts, then very frankly, I’d rather read an accountancy manual.

6. It’s been said a gazillion times before on this site, and I’ll say it again – EDIT, EDIT, EDIT. Your writing is rambling, tedious, and full of typos and grammatical errors. And may I revisit the dangers of over-capitalization? As a former corporate lawyer, who’s had his knuckles rapped several times for errant capitalization, I say this – Capital Letters = The opening of a sentence, proper nouns and defined terms. Any other sort of capitalization is as Irritating as an Overdose Of Ellipses And Idiots who Wiggle Their Fingers while talking to Emphasize Ellipses. Look at this last sentence. Don’t you feel like beating me up?

7. Your poetry. In my book, if it isn’t Ted Hughes, E. A. Poe, or Ogden Nash, then it isn’t poetry. You, Sir, are neither of the above. For better or verse, if you must broadcast your poetry, why not post it on a separate page, like this young lady, and spare us the torture, eh? It boggles the mind that someone has published two volumes of your dribblings (on the other hand, J. K. Rowling managed to hook a publisher, so why not you). But is it imperative that you scan the lot and slap it on the internet? This is cruel and unusual punishment, counsel. I mean, look what poetry did to Sylvia Plath. (As you can see, I hate poetry).

8. Cairo is not a suburb, and it is certainly not an ‘Asiatic city suburb’.

9. Also, Post 1, dated 21.11.2008, and Post 2, dated 26.12.08. “Repeated with larger fonts, as asked for by readers”. This is criminal.

I have nothing further to add. This Court, therefore, grades you thusly:

Popat.
‘Nuff said.

*Ok, so the first one wasn’t old and wasn’t really sad either, but still.