Monday, May 11, 2009

Chronicles of Hernia

Case No. 02 of 2009
India Chronicles vs. AAYSR
Per Crowley, J.


Is it Sheer Coincidence that my first Two Reviews here are of blogs written by Sad Old Bongs* (Bongs = Bengalis, for the benefit of all non-Indians)? Or are my Brethren On The Bench trying to tell me I ought to get rid of my South-Indian Fetish and chase some Bong Tail instead? Oh well, onward, Christian Soldier.

You may notice that a lot of words in the paragraph above are unnecessarily capitalized. Well, that’s only one of the many problems that plague India Chronicles, our latest victim. In short, this blog bored me more than the 40 pounds of litigation brief currently lying on my desk.

India Chronicles is written by one Taposh Chakraborty, who claims to be a reporter of sorts. Whatever it is he reports on, he sure doesn’t do it on his blog. If you can call it a blog at all, that is. Once you wrestle your way past the ten millionth panel of his Tota-Myna (Parrot-Mynah) comic, and his tangential poetry, you realize that this gentleman of letters hasn’t written much at all and what was there wanted to make me tear my eyeballs out.

I wanted to go Timothy McVeigh on TC’s arse, but I have a headache the size of Indo-China after reading his blog, so I’ll just get down to brass tacks.
Will the Petitioner please rise?

1. Your template. Hang on, what template?

2. When you use the word ‘Chronicles’ as part of the title of a blog or any other piece of writing, you are generally expected to chronicle SOMETHING, which, in itself, is a hard enough task. But, when you decide to call your blog ‘India Chronicles’, you up the stakes all the way to Mars. Chronicling an entire country is what only newspapers can do with any amount of success, and you, my dear blogger, are not a newspaper. Not even a newsletter. I’ve seen public notices that are more entertaining and informative. So, ditch the title, because it just doesn’t stick.

3. Now that we’re past the flaccid title, where’s the writing, friend? Oh, sure, there’s a bunch of comic strip-y panels (which are roughly as funny as root canals without anesthesia), and there’s some very obtuse poetry, but nada when it comes to writing. One post on dogs, another one on patenting, and a third one that meanders from chimpanzee behavior into karma and genetics. Fun stuff. Really. Oh, and your views on international politics and diplomacy need an honorary mention at this point:

Why am I writing all this historical stuff ? This myopic eurocentricism is by now well known . After Korea , Vietnam , Iraq , even BBC openly calls its work as “embedded” journalism – not for nothing it is funded by British Foreign Office ; and brazen American`s used to schedule Iraq bombings according to CNN/NBC news schedules! No wonder America has not won any of its wars after WWII. So , why all this now ?

You call this chronicling? I call it whining. Comrade, communism died while you were writing poetry.

4. Are the readers of your blog geriatric or of failing eyesight? No? Then why are most of your posts in this font size? Come to think of it, no two posts on your blog are the same font size or the even same font. Does WordPress hate you that much? Are you aware that you can just type out the post in MS-Word and cut-paste it into the blog’s compose page to avoid these funny-sized posts? A word of advice. In the unlikely event that people do read your blog, the least you can do is make it easier to read.

5. If the jumbo font-size wasn’t bad enough, your posts never quite seem to end. For example, it took 21 punches on my laptop’s Page Down key to reach the end of this masterpiece. And this post is in, what, size 8 font? AND it’s not actually posted, it’s a JPEG! Look, if it takes an entire weekend to go through 10 of your posts, then very frankly, I’d rather read an accountancy manual.

6. It’s been said a gazillion times before on this site, and I’ll say it again – EDIT, EDIT, EDIT. Your writing is rambling, tedious, and full of typos and grammatical errors. And may I revisit the dangers of over-capitalization? As a former corporate lawyer, who’s had his knuckles rapped several times for errant capitalization, I say this – Capital Letters = The opening of a sentence, proper nouns and defined terms. Any other sort of capitalization is as Irritating as an Overdose Of Ellipses And Idiots who Wiggle Their Fingers while talking to Emphasize Ellipses. Look at this last sentence. Don’t you feel like beating me up?

7. Your poetry. In my book, if it isn’t Ted Hughes, E. A. Poe, or Ogden Nash, then it isn’t poetry. You, Sir, are neither of the above. For better or verse, if you must broadcast your poetry, why not post it on a separate page, like this young lady, and spare us the torture, eh? It boggles the mind that someone has published two volumes of your dribblings (on the other hand, J. K. Rowling managed to hook a publisher, so why not you). But is it imperative that you scan the lot and slap it on the internet? This is cruel and unusual punishment, counsel. I mean, look what poetry did to Sylvia Plath. (As you can see, I hate poetry).

8. Cairo is not a suburb, and it is certainly not an ‘Asiatic city suburb’.

9. Also, Post 1, dated 21.11.2008, and Post 2, dated 26.12.08. “Repeated with larger fonts, as asked for by readers”. This is criminal.

I have nothing further to add. This Court, therefore, grades you thusly:

Popat.
‘Nuff said.

*Ok, so the first one wasn’t old and wasn’t really sad either, but still.

78 comments:

  1. This man, for all of his posturing against Eurocentrism, wants very badly to be e.e. cummings, and fails miserably in reaching said goal.

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  2. I made it 3 pages back before I quit. To much scrolling to be done. Bah. And those little cartoon thingys, annoyed the shit outta me.

    Great review though.

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  3. Top notch review, Mr. C. Chalk it up to whatever you want, cultural differences, age differences, whatever, but this fellow's humor was nearly as funny as cancer.

    I did think it may have been unintentionally ironic that in one of his super high quality cartoons, he depicts what looks like a golden retriever picturing him/herself as a howling wolf.

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  4. I wasn't able to see this blog as my internet filter at work blocked the site.

    I find this odd as the filter is very tame and I can see most of the sites I wish go to.

    I can only assume that that this filter is coded in a particular way as not to allow me to view crappy poetry.

    Thank you boss!

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  5. Ugh. Just ugh. Great review, Crowley, I really fucking hated this shitpiece. Not as much as the last one that subjected me to the Assrock, but a close second for sure.

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  6. Just drink your coffee Ghost, it'll be okay. You dont ever have to go back there again.

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  7. You're right, I don't. I need to have another Space Marine dream.

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  8. Another what? Did I miss something about space Marines?

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  9. How's the coffee, GoK? Black? Or did you put a little something else in there?

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  10. The way this guy butchers his blog and the English language in general...I can expect that from a teenager corrupted by textspeak, not from a middle-aged alleged reporter. That's unacceptable.

    Oh, and for an important lesson on grammar, I wonder if any of you've read the Preacher comics?

    Preaching Grammar

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  11. I love a little Mister Crowley litigation on a Monday; makes me giddy.

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  12. Tangential and gazillion - two of my favorite words.
    Calling someone a bird brain (aka-popat) - one of my favorite things to do.
    I dare say, Mr. Crowley, if you life to be 40 I shall be giving you a very sound blue nylon whipping!
    Excellent review. You are simply brilliant!

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  13. Pos: I don't recycle. But I know someone who does: Christian Weston Chandler. Really, go check his sweet video: http://minx.cc/?post=287068

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  14. life? How about 'live'?
    This, after a review about butchering the English language. Oy vey.

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  15. Also, that video is safe for work. I promise.

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  16. I have a very liberal work environment. Basically, I am the boss. Sure, I work for the two owners, but after ten plus years of making them oodles of money, they let me do what I want as long as the customers are happy and we don't get sued.

    Still - somehow, I am worried about that link. Perhaps I should save it till after everyone has left?

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  17. Well, Pos, it's a fully clothed dude talking, you have to listen to what he's saying. It's surreal. No cussing, still dirty.

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  18. Ghost: "Spanking is, uuhh, generally, uuhh, a popular thing among adults".

    Now I've seen it all. Mongo, where art thou, cherie?

    Pos: Oh, the video's safe to watch at work. It's your lunch you should be worried about. Oh, your sanity too.

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  19. That was disturbing. On a few different levels.

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  20. I don't know if it's just because it's Monday or if it's because I'm an idiot, let's go with that, but I didn't understand a lick of today's blog.

    Is there a point to it?

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  21. Omg, Ghost! I cannot get those 6 minutes back, ever. I think my soul died a little. Why do such videos exist on the internet.

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  22. No BB, I dont think there is a point.

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  23. Six minutes and four seconds Fox, six minutes and four seconds...

    I think I threw up a little.

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  24. Sarah: You got that right. This is gonna play havoc with my insomnia. Fuck.

    Boomer: I asked myself the same question with every word I typed into that review.

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  25. Dont think about it anymore Crowley, find your happy place.

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  26. Sweet Home Marijuana all summer long...

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  27. I was trying to forget about those extra four seconds. It hurts too much. I don't know what's worse. The fact that he recycles semen so that he doesn't become a potential baby killer, poops his pants or the fact that under all of his disturbing comments he logged his video in Star Trek format...I'm going to hide in a dark cave somewhere now.

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  28. Dude reminds me of one of my cousins. Also, I share because I love you guys. If I didn't, I would make you guys check out the rest of the shit that gets sent to me. Trauma? You don't even know how to spell that word until you look at the last five picture mails I received on my phone. Besides, this is fun, right?

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  29. Also, his other videos on youtube are WAAAAAYYYY more fucked up.

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  30. Ghost you are right. I made the error of looking him up on Youtube...I heard him sing Rick Astley. That is much, much creepier. I don't think I will ever stop crying.

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  31. And as I leave for home, I leave all the nice people here with these gems (may or may not be work-ok. you choose):
    First, watch This .

    Then This .

    Then, read This .

    LB, are you watching.

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  32. Something's amiss. Hey, where's Rassles?

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  33. I will not go to youtube. I will not go to youtube...

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  34. Well played, Crowley, well played.

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  35. God, y'all, I leave to do some work this morning, and you have a comment fest involving youtube.

    Crowley: not hitting any links until I get home tonight.

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  36. Ahh! Those teeth, that hair. I cant un see those videos. Bah!

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  37. The second video is borderline NSFW. If you work at a kennel, it is definitely NSFW. If you own a dog, don't watch it. If you have a grandfather, well, I wouldn't watch it. Other than that, I'm impressed, Crowley, disturbing stuff.

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  38. Forget work...those arent safe for normal people. Ew, a toilet brush...really?

    Those teeth will forever haunt my mind.

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  39. Crow, you fucking made that review your bitch.

    (And - scary toothless pedophile letting the dog nurse his potbelly needs to seriously consider sexually abusing the guy who drinks his own semen. It's a win-win.)

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  40. Rassles, you should work for E Harmony or something.

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  41. This blog stands,
    on the dark silent internet
    letting parrot shit slide down its face.

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  42. I don't know shit about poetry.

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  43. I don't think, strictly speaking, that what I wrote is a haiku. It's more an ode to Chronicles of India with flair. And parrot shit.

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  44. Yeah, it definitely was not. I enjoyed it more than I probably should have.

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  45. GoK -- That was just sad. I was much less disturbed by the content than I was by his harelip lisp delivery. And the shit strewn throughout the background. It is a testament to the American education system that this genius thinks that his spermies are swimming back down to his testicles rather than being digested and shit into his diapers.

    Crowley -- Those videos made me want to hunt down and kill Grampa Munster.

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  46. Yeah, if you take away the lisp and the toys, the video isn't worth your time.

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  47. Posol'stvo: he's more Mr Herbert from Family Guy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13pCHb62kvQ&feature=related

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  48. That guy is like Steve Buscemi's uglier molester uncle. Happy birthday to Marissa, the girl that got away? That's kind of sinister.

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  49. He slo kind of looks like the moster and Igor from Young Frankenstein had a .love child

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  50. Oddly, I heard a guy on the radio today who I swore was Mr. Herbert. Same voice. Exactly.

    As for Marissa, the girl that got away, I can only assume she gnawed her way through her wrists and slipped her stumps out of the cuffs in his basement. How she climbed the sheer walls of the old cistern and got the basement door open, I'll never know.

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  51. Well, at least she never had to pay for another manicure.

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  52. Sorry, FF, I'm still waiting to hear about the Wesson Lesson.

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  53. I mean, really, FF, you can't just drop a line about you and some Wesson Oil and expect everyone to just drop it.

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  54. I think Marissa, was the dog.

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  55. Wait! What? Did I hear the term 'Wesson Lesson'? Seriously, I may have just found the E Harmony match for my pumpkin muffins.

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  56. Exactly why I don't own a dog. Cats may lick themselves, but I have yet to see a cat grub down on some old belly. Fucking dogs.

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  57. The poor dog. I cant imagine what goes on when the camera isnt rolling. Its not her fault.

    Gross, I just threw up in my mouth again.

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  58. Be still my heart! I just found Nellie Oleson on twitter. Yes this has nothing to do with the review but worth mentioning.

    Viva la Nellie!

    @Arngrim

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  59. Blue/Gok, It is in fact a good story but I this is an instance of too many people reading my blog. It's oepn to everyone but my MOL because I really try to just put it all out there but I don't need my husband's coworkers, my grandma or kids knowing about a specific whorish instance.

    I'll have to write it and guest post it on one of your blogs and then you can list me as you know that girl that used to be fun, rather than ff so it's not googleable.

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  60. Jeebus I cannot type today.

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  61. I think that would fit nicely on my blog, FF.

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  62. Yeah I'll work on it, just be forewarned there's no anal in my story, sure you still want it?

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  63. That's fine, FF, the last thing I need is someone stealing my anal thunder. Let me know when you have it put together.

    Anal Thunder? Yeah, that just happened.

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  64. Anal Thunder. Sounds like a super hero name.

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  65. With his trusty sidekick, Thunderbutt the Pungeant...

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  66. Damn, Key beat me to it. That would have been just the thing to add some sex to my blog, since I don't seem capable of blogging about sex.

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  67. unless it involves old men.

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  68. I loved the old man sex story. That was primo.

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  69. I wonder if that guy uses the toilet brush as not only a back scratcher, but as a toothbrush. I mean, he could fit that thing through the gap in his face and get right in behind his teeth. Then he could switch and scratch his back again only now, he could use the toothpaste as a lotion. I can see he is a man that thinks in combos. I bet he uses a spork too.

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  70. I had hoped that, like Chris, my employer would have blocked this site. Alas.

    Also? Anal thunder is the best thing I've read this week.

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  71. Anal Thunder and Super Taint.

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  72. I'm so late, here. Fabulous review Crowley. I love that you acknowledge the eminent Mr. Ted Hughes and his mad poetry skills. How ironic that he was married to Ms. Plath, though. And that he drove her and his second wife to suicide. I don't think it was the poetry that did her in, is all I'm saying.

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  73. Crowley,you are a shallow , self -centered , windbag . So ,not surprisingly , you are also a careless reader . F... you.
    Taposh
    India Chronicles

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Grow a pair.