Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Dangers of Natural Juices. Or, FFS--what were you thinking?

Sometimes, people submit to us, and it just makes me tired. I get tired of saying the same damn things, over and over again. Do you ever get tired of reading the same reviews, over and over again?

FFS, what were you thinking, Pear? Your review is going to consist of the same routine stuff we harp about, week after week, day after day.

Sometimes I feel like people just aren't getting it. Sometimes I KNOW people aren't getting it.

1. Very Very Strange Title. Anyone who reads this blog regularly should realize that there is an almost infinite level of perversity that can be drawn from the phrase "In Natural Juice." If you question this, just ask Keywork. FFS, what were you thinking when you chose this title for your blog?

2. Fugly template. This template is based upon myspace tables, which makes it too narrow (see all the wasted space on each side of your computer screen?). It's a black background with lavendar text (No. Seriously, just say no to templates that make it harder to read your stuff). It has no connection to pears. FFS, what were you thinking when you chose this design, which looks like it was developed by a moody 13-year-old hot topic girl?

3. No back story, which means I have difficulty getting and keeping an interest in you and your writing. I don't know who you are, I don't know why you're blogging, and I don't get the point of it all. There is no introduction to the main characters (that I could find). Do those things, and link to them in your sidebar, if you plan to be a blogger.

4. Boring content. I don't know who you are, I don't know why you're writing, and your story is not compelling. I don't know how to say it any clearer than that. This is a journal, something to keep on your desk or under your bed. There is nothing here for someone who doesn't know you. FFS, what were you thinking, submitting this to us?

Let me give you a taste of the content:

Something that made me warm and fuzzy was when we were making dinner. We had peeled the vegetables, and the meat was on.. while the veg was steaming away, I asked M-moo if he wanted his hair cut.. "What, tonight?" "Yeh, come on!" So he came back into the kitchen, we turned the radio on and I did a little trim of his hair. M-moo's hair is starting to get the helmet thing going, so I thought I'd try and blend in the sides a little to the rest of his hair. I didn't stress out too much over it, just remembered some of the tricks I saw online, and gave it a quick go. It turned out pretty good considering I'm no hairdresser!

Another nice thing is making the desert - it's basically a tin of pears (in natural juice, of course) with a cake on the top, baked in the oven. The cake is gluten free and pretty easy, just a little messy. I've done it so many times now, I don't really have to read the recipe anymore.

Picking carrots from the garden is just brilliant. We havn't brought carrots from the supermarket for months now. Today was great, I got one orange, one purple, and one yellow variety that must have been a stowaway seed - since I didn't order any yellow ones! It tasted really quite nice, and I think I'll be ordering some of those next time. Lovely surprise.

M-moo will be home soon, and we'll eat hot yummy desert. We plan on going to bed early because we have a long drive tomorrow.. and going to bed early adds to the chance that good things will happen. ;)

It certainly beats going to bed late, being grumpy as hell and definitely not making love.. *sigh*


It's like Pear's gluten-free diet has been translated into content-free content.

Who would possibly be interested in reading this? Pear, are you actually thinking about what you're writing here? "Picking carrots from the garden is just brilliant." FFS. You didn't even give us the recipe for the dessert. And I'm not mentioning the spelling issues, ahem. Also, is M-moo your granny? Auntie? Child? Lover? Not clear, at all.

A blog is about telling stories. You're not telling your story here, you are giving a rote recitation of the day's events. The only person on the planet who cares about this stuff is your mother, and based upon this post, you two don't get along.

You have 79 total posts and have been blogging since October of 2008. That's about ten posts per month. Each of them reads something like the one above. Except the ones that are even more depressing:

Now I have what I always wanted and waited for.. a husband and a house. It sounds tacky, but it's true. Now that I have it, it's a lot different than I imagined. That's becoming the standard thought since moving-in 3 months ago. Nothing seems to be what I expected. Perhaps its everything that's going on now that is bringing out all these mood swings. Stress, change - I don't like change - responsibility, challenge.. there have even been times when I've wished we could go back to simpler times - even times and places I've disliked in the past - just because it was simpler.


This is a diary entry of a lonely 20-something. You need friends. You need a life. You need something to write about. Please get out and do some stuff, and then write about it. Or, take a concept like the one above, and flesh it out, into a story. Why did you want those things? When did you want them? What did you imagine they would be like? You don't give us any meat here. It's all very superficial. "I feel this." "I'm moody." You don't describe anything or suck us in. These words keep us at a distance and are completely unapproachable.

Your comment function is also buggered. If you change templates back to blogger standard, that might fix it as I'm pretty sure it is a problem in the code of the template you've chosen.

Pear: You list us as one of your favorite blogs. And, I'll be truthful. I don't want to beat you up, because you seem like a sweet, and rather fragile--verging on the depressed side of things--girl. I don't want you to slit your wrists, and after spending an hour or so on your blog, I don't put it past you.

Clearly your blog serves some purpose for you, for venting, or speaking your mind, or whatever. But, it doesn't serve any purpose at all for me, as a reader, and I doubt it will appeal to any of the Ask readers, either. Reading your blog, at present, is not a pleasurable experience.

So, blog away. But, ffs, what were you thinking submitting here?


p.s. Heh.

123 comments:

  1. Maybe she was hoping for a private dialogue about the Natural Juices?

    ReplyDelete
  2. First of all, yeah, weird title. It always marvels me when some people take the time to blog, or have writing aspirations, but when it comes down to it they don't really want to take any risks or truly be known. Like you said, what is missing from her content is detail. Her word choice is so generic and stale and well...lazy. And maybe that's fine with her, maybe she is content with not going deeper. But then I have to assume her only motivation for submitting here is to get more traffic or something. I don't know. I'm baffled as hell. I'm in a shit mood so I'm not even going to go over there and look. What you quoted was quite enough for me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Natural Juices was a ethinic dance troop I was in. They black-balled me because my jazz hands are fierce.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Did you tour with Anal Thunder and Taint Wallow?

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm trying to think if I've ever been compelled to write about fruits and veggies.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Golly, fresh squash is the best. One I had an apple. Baby corn is cute!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I had an apple ONCE, too.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yes, and we opened for a band called Socrates Scrote.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh. My. God. GHOST! What color???

    ReplyDelete
  10. Are you ready for this? Are ya? It was...orange! OMG! Look at my carrot!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yeah, except with out that shitty looking blog around it.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Those carrots look like deformed and discolored little penises.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Not that kind of hungry, LB.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Aww, LB's oral fixation rears its ugly head.

    Pun not indented on rear or head.

    ReplyDelete
  15. LB's oral fixation runs this motherfucker.

    ReplyDelete
  16. *shrug* Everybody got their something.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I don't mind the talk of fruits and vegetables. Just make me FEEL something about those things.

    Apples are better than carrots.

    Nothing wrong with an oral fixation, LB. I have one myself.

    ReplyDelete
  18. LB: Yep.

    I have nothing against a woman with an oral fixation, nothing wrong with that. In fact, I've been known to encourage such behavior.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Spot on, LB. This blog sounds like a diary that no one will ever care to read, not even her descendents, centuries from now.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I planted tomatoes yesterday. They're all heirloom plants because I want to protect genetic diversity. Some are yellow and others are red.

    Tomatoes are brilliant!

    ReplyDelete
  21. You know what else is brilliant? The metric system. You yanks will never know.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I like green beans. They're green and beany.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Than: Given my utter hatred of fractions, I can tell you that any positive aspect of your metric would be totally lost on me.

    ReplyDelete
  24. There has been some lovely asparagus in the store this week, very green. And all.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Still partial to baby corn. Who's a good little corn? You are! Yes, you are! Who's a good little baby corny-worny-borny-horny? Oh, I just said horny! That's so funny and bashfully inappropriate, I'm covering my mouth with my hand and giggling like a shy, coy Geisha.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Key: You know you've always secretly longed for Thanny's meter.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Rassles:

    The sad thing is that your comment on baby corn was significantly more interesting and visually stimulating than any post on today's blog.

    ReplyDelete
  28. If I have to look at a cock other than mine, at least attach it to Russel Brand.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Okay, but I'm sticking with the green beans.

    My favorite are cafeteria green beans, with the little bits of bacon in them. Something about cafeteria green beans next to some mashed potatoes, gravy and chicken fried steak...

    That should be Chicken Friend Steak, good buddy. That steak is your chicken fried friend.

    ReplyDelete
  30. A cock attached to Russel Brand - who is British - who use metric. 3 degrees of separation for you GoK.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Green mother fucking beans, people.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I read a few posts. Here is my response.

    [...............................]

    Thank you. That is all.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Touche. I now know that I am suffering from a rather serious case of sexual drought: I'm rambling about my man crush.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Betsey never talks cock. She's a lady.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Apparently, this means I've disabused y'all of the notion that I'm a lady. Bah.

    ReplyDelete
  36. PoS - suggest you visit the doctor.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Here's another response which is infinitely more immature than the first:

    ( * ) <-- supposed to be someone mooning us

    And here's another even more childish than that one:

    ( o )( o ) <-- those are boobies.

    Sorry. My inner child has been in a time-out waaaaaaay too long.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Even my husband looks shocked when I say the word cock. It kind of doesn't sound right when I do.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Oh, no, LB, I believe you are indeed a lady. Much like I am a gentleman.

    ReplyDelete
  40. We have a friend that says, "Mother fucking earmuffs!" to my daughter before he speaks.

    He also had her on his back in the middle of a river, ramming canoes with his head while he wore a drinking helmet.

    ReplyDelete
  41. If I'm quiet it's because I'm reassessing who I let near my children.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Somehow, I don't feel significantly better after being compared to you. I say cock way too much. And had to teach someone to spell taintwallow just today.

    Ladyness is overrated.

    ReplyDelete
  43. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Is now pretty sure that BB wouldn't let me near her children. >>

    ReplyDelete
  45. BB: I'm so excited that DPH and I will get to meet your kids in September!

    LB: That wasn't meant to be comforting.

    ReplyDelete
  46. LB - Entirely untrue.

    I'm completely inappropriate in my own way.

    ReplyDelete
  47. I know, Ghost, they just started their pre-therapy this week.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I'd be lying if I told you that was a bad idea, Betsey.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Everyone wants me around their fucking kids. I give them too much candy and teach them highly inappropriate jokes and lie about their true meaning.

    ReplyDelete
  50. I taught my-ex niece to tell her Biological Engineer mother that she wanted to be a rail-riding hobo when she grew up.

    They totally figured out where she got that from too.

    ReplyDelete
  51. God, I hate the sugar pushers who get them all gacked up on high fructose corn syrup and teach them things I'll have to explain to the teacher at school.

    Damn. Apparently, I hate myself.

    ReplyDelete
  52. A friend taught his brother (who had cerebral palsy) a handful of swear words. Ever see a kid spaz out shouting "fuck"? Funnieeee

    ReplyDelete
  53. "So a harelip midget wants to buy a horse..."

    "What's a harelip?"

    "It's a mustache."

    ReplyDelete
  54. "What do gay cows eat?"

    "Heeeeeeyyyyyyy."

    ReplyDelete
  55. "Like Daddy?"

    "Yes, just like your Daddy. You should tell him how nice it looks."

    ReplyDelete
  56. Um, Than, one of my friends made sexy time with a woman that has Cerebral Palsy.

    ReplyDelete
  57. My son's favorite joke, btw. His second favorite joke? Interrupting cow. My kids are doomed.

    ReplyDelete
  58. In my house it goes:

    Make the sound that daddy makes in the morning!

    My kid: GAAAAAGGGG!

    Good job! Here's a cookie!

    ReplyDelete
  59. Key,

    Did you and your friends ever have a fuck list? Aka: list of types of people you'd like to fuck before you die? That would be a good addition to someone's.

    ReplyDelete
  60. I love it when kids sing Flight of the Conchords songs.

    ReplyDelete
  61. Oh and my husband taught my kid to growl when you ask him what he thinks of Republicans...

    ReplyDelete
  62. Doesn't everyone have one of those?

    ReplyDelete
  63. My kids sing Reel Big Fish and the freecreditreport.com songs. Occasionally, some Disturbed.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Boomer, my dog does that too.

    ReplyDelete
  65. No, but with friends like mine, I have compiled a large list of types of women I don't want to fuck.

    ReplyDelete
  66. You dog and my kid are well trained.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Ghost - A list of inanimate objects doesn't count.

    ReplyDelete
  68. GoK. Ouch. Reminds of that meme of those two 'tards doing the nasty.

    ReplyDelete
  69. Rassles: I didn't. At least, not consciously. But looking back, I did a fairly good job of covering the bases.

    Asian dude? Check
    Guy over 300 lbs. who lost his erection midway through sex? Check
    In the closet gay dude? Check
    Dirty mexican? Check
    Crazy Coke-Snorting Chef? Check
    Sketchy Bartender? Check
    Football player? Check
    Soccer Player? Check
    Lacrosse Player? Check
    Frat Boy? Check, Check, Check, Check, Check

    ReplyDelete
  70. I got a nephew with autism who ends every sentence with, "But it's okay, because I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico."

    ReplyDelete
  71. Betsey: I have a separate list for inanimate objects.

    ReplyDelete
  72. Rassles:

    It's inappropriate how funny I think that Geico comment is. I'd have to get him to talk just to hear it.

    ReplyDelete
  73. Have you ever seen a midget dick? If they look anything like their fingers, I sure as hell don't want to.

    ReplyDelete
  74. I guess the harelip would be okay as long as he didn't talk or try to kiss me.

    ReplyDelete
  75. No, LB, but I have encountered a midget stripper. She had neon nipple rings.

    ReplyDelete
  76. "Have you ever seen a midget dick?"

    Um, no, but I've seen a rubber band, a vegetable stand, I've even seen a needle that winked it's eye.

    ReplyDelete
  77. No, it's totally hilarious, and he knows it, and he gets it. He's seventeen. Everyone laughs, so he just keeps on saying it. And then he'll say, "I know you're all making fun of me, but it's okay, because I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico."

    ReplyDelete
  78. I ain't never seen an elephant fly.

    ReplyDelete
  79. That's funny and now it's sad, too, Rassles.

    I'm still stuck on midget fingers and how much they creep me out.

    ReplyDelete
  80. i have a weakness for aussies.

    i would eat at her table.

    ReplyDelete
  81. When my daughter wasn't quite two years old, I taught her to say "Fuck", quite by accident.

    I was driving through Atlanta, was low on gas, and had a full bladder. And we were stuck in a traffic jam.

    It was her favorite word for about two weeks. And then she forgot about it until she was about 13. As far as I know....

    ReplyDelete
  82. Oh, LB, please don't worry. It's not sad.

    I guess you'd have to be there.

    ReplyDelete
  83. My nieces nickname is baby corn
    and the I used to breed Geisha coy.

    I'm a cut-n-paste mother trucker and I love Rassles the best!

    Suck it geeks!

    ReplyDelete
  84. Oh boy. I'll leave the reviewed blog alone. She is a reader of mine, and is quite nice. *ducks from shoes that may or may not be thrown*

    And now...
    I say cock all the time! I am so not a lady apparently.
    I grew carrots last year, and they were really deformed. They reminded me of the screaming plant things from Harry Potter.

    I like natural Juices.
    I have an oral fixation as well.
    I <3 midgets.

    and last but not least, I have a list. Its a long one.

    Thank you, that is all.

    ReplyDelete
  85. I'm sure she's very nice. Her blog is a snoozefest. The two are utterly unrelated.

    Rassles: it's a mom thing. I can't help it.

    ReplyDelete
  86. In other news, heh.

    Some things never get old for me.

    ReplyDelete
  87. Awww, man! She removed you from her blog roll!

    ReplyDelete
  88. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  89. "Regardless of the credit I'm sure they'll take, that lame-ass blog which did a review and which I removed from my blog-roll, have nothing to do with this alteration."

    Oh, I think they did. Also, I noticed you're using some complete sentences. This is a good thing.

    ReplyDelete
  90. Mia, please understand that no matter how well I woo you in the quest for the texy-changy code I will always love LB the best and to a lesser and weirder degree Ghost.

    ReplyDelete
  91. Lot of man love 'round these parts.

    ReplyDelete
  92. Texy-changy? Hm. Haven't the foggiest what that refers to but you're welcome to enlighten me.

    Sarah, I changed me blog. The point of the review, for me, was to gain insight not swap insults. Considering the class-A swapage occuring here the day before that post, I think I was fairly mild.

    Full sentences. Yup.

    ReplyDelete
  93. Mild schmild. Who cares?

    Hurray for complete sentences! And, your blog definitely looks a lot better.

    Just sayin.

    ReplyDelete
  94. Thanks, Sarah. I like it a lot better too. Now if I could just work out the damn html code for drop down menus and followers. Ah well. Another headache for another day.

    ReplyDelete
  95. Mia, there are some pretty useful demos on youtube. Search for "customize blogger" or some such, may help.

    ReplyDelete
  96. Chris, in a weird way, you may or may not have just brightened my day. A little. Maybe.

    ReplyDelete
  97. You are so coy!

    Geisha coy.


    Rassles, call me?

    ReplyDelete
  98. Shame, I was going for 'vampire' coy.

    ReplyDelete
  99. Vampire coy is WAY better than Geisha coy.

    ReplyDelete
  100. I'm gonna be completely honest, right now, when I say that the phrase 'natural juices' has had me salivating uncontrollably. All. Damn. Day.

    ReplyDelete
  101. The natural juices, are the best kind.

    ReplyDelete
  102. I'm guessing we're not talking about OJ here.

    ReplyDelete
  103. Chris, my jazz hands want to high five your jazz hands. Oh ans Rassles, you're cousin is a fucking comic genius.

    ReplyDelete
  104. Thanks Thanatos. I'll check there.

    ReplyDelete
  105. Sure we are Thanny, geez, what are YOU talking about?

    ReplyDelete
  106. Mia, I'd also recommend checking freshblog for the code for drop downs, etc. I don't have their link and am too lazy to search, but you can find it easily on google.

    ReplyDelete
  107. Short of that, another option is to put your links pages in a post early in your blog history and then link to that page in your sidebar.

    ReplyDelete
  108. If you allow me to return to the subject at hand: the reviewed blog.

    I have absolutely nothing to say about it.

    Carry on.

    ReplyDelete
  109. Late to the party, but still have twenty-nine things to say.
    1) The only food worth blogging about is pumpkin muffins
    2) If insanity = repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results, then I am insane
    3) Mostly because I keep thinking the words 'natural juices' and expecting I won't have a) a sexual thought or b) thoughts about some kind of bizarre surgery
    4) Has anyone from Ask ever read though a submitted blog told someone to fuck off without bothering to do a review?
    5) If not, why? Why? Why?

    I know I said twenty-nine things, but there's five. Right? Yes, five.
    Just checking.
    Mostly because I wish I hadn't walked around as if I had the words 'I will fucking tear you apart' tattooed on my forehead.
    I'm such an ass.
    Also? Well...nothing other than an offering of pumpkin muffins. Of course!

    ReplyDelete
  110. MG, ok thats enough. If you're going to brag about these damn pumpkin muffins, I ask that you share the recipe.

    Please and thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  111. I'm only answering #5, but the answer is yes. I didn't tell them, though. I just deleted that hot mess from the queue.

    ReplyDelete
  112. Oh wait, that was #4. And, because it sucked and I didn't feel like wading through that much bullshit, or asking anyone else to.

    ReplyDelete
  113. Did someone say 'pumpkin muffin'?

    ReplyDelete
  114. I just ate a chocolate muffin. Pretty much just an excuse to have chocolate for breakfast.

    Also, great review, LB. I do get so very tired of repeating myself.

    And speaking of carrots, does anyone watch Dollhouse? "Carrots! Medicinal carrots! Personal use medicinal carrots that were here when I moved in, and I’m holding it for a friend.”

    ReplyDelete
  115. LB, you are fucking brilliant. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  116. Back to the blog that was reviewed.

    Pear, if you've read all the comments and made it to this one, please, please, please fix your comment thingy. I've tried to leave comments many times, and I'm unable to.

    Thanks!

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.