Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Love Bites: Render, Tearer, Gnasher, Slayer

Today is not your lucky day, Travis J. Morgan, Philosopher, Artist, Poet and Musician.

Let me give you a tip: Titling yourself, in this way, gives off a strong odor of douche. The review is going to go downhill from here.

Frankly, dude, I think that you were either born in the wrong era, or had a traumatic head injury during your service (though, I do indeed salute you for serving). After listening to fingers and thumbs, I'm leaning toward the latter.

I actually think that this is the first true "hipster" blog that we've reviewed. I can visualize this guy, performing his poetry on a darkened stage in some smoky lounge, while overdressed twenty-somethings with artfully messy hair and hiphugger pants and white belts listen quietly while raising glasses of expensive beer to their lips. And if they like him, they snap their fingers, in unison.

What can you say about a guy who thinks he's coined his own phrases and wants to be quoted? You want to be quoted? That isn't a process you can force. You have to do the work on the inside, and say something real, for people to want to repeat it. Glibness isn't enough.

I'll give you this. The ink blot art is bad ass. But who paints a roll of toilet paper? Were you inspired during your last drinking binge whilst hugging the cool goodness of a porcelain bowl to sketch what you saw on your handy i-phone?

There are a few things I like. I like the site map button at the top of your page that gives us quick access to all your posts, by category.

I like the blog design, it's clean and uncluttered.

As far as your posting, though, you aren't saying anything that Henry Rollins didn't already say better, and before you even arrived on the scene.

In fact, you could learn a lot from Henry Rollins, now that I think about it. And, failing him, try Robert Ingersoll or Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Let's compare, shall we? This is you:
I am a cynic in the sense that I think that people intrinsically have underlying selfish motives whether they be conscious or unconscious. I have doubts in pure altruism, meaning that I think that most if not all acts have a selfish motive. While some acts may have been acted on in the interest of another, I doubt that those acts do not also have a selfish motive. To me, this can even be the “good” feeling you get from helping another. People will argue that when they perform such an act (which they call an “altruistic” act), they were only concerned about the others well-being. Yet, these same people have high regards for performing altruistic acts, and they get a high from attempting to do so. To me, this is yet another selfish motive that renders the act altruistic-less or at least not purely or only altruistic. - TJ Morgan

What is that, like a term paper for your ethics 101 class? Couldn't you have said that in ten words or less? Even Jesus put it in far simpler terms. I'm not a big fan of Jesus, but at least he wasn't a wordy fuck.

Compare your quote to this:
If abuses are destroyed, man must destroy them. If slaves are freed, man must free them. If new truths are discovered, man must discover them. If the naked are clothed; if the hungry are fed; if justice is done; if labor is rewarded; if superstition is driven from the mind; if the defenseless are protected and if the right finally triumphs, all must be the work of man. The grand victories of the future must be won by man, and by man alone. --Robert Ingersoll
Do you see how clean, how spare, how wonderfully unfuckedwith the prose of Robert Ingersoll is--in comparison to your thesaurus vomit?

Your blog needs two things. First, you need to lose your sense of having figured it all out, and your godawful sense of self-importance, and you need to cultivate wonder. Why are you blogging? Why do you think anyone would want to read this blog? What are you doing here? What do you hope to accomplish? Aside from feeding your huge ego, your blog doesn't do much. And, there is no wonder to it.

Secondly, you need to stop intellectualizing and start living. Start putting your flesh and blood on the fucking page, man. This calculated pose, this superficial philosophy, it sickens me. No one is going to recite a quote simply because it has big words in it.

There is nothing real on your blog. You want to be quote-worthy? Say something real. Real things resonate with all of us and are worth repeating.

Henry Rollins once said:

I think about the meaning of pain. Pain is personal. It really belongs to the one feeling it. Probably the only thing that is your own. I like mine.
See how real that is? I love that fucking quote. And it applies to you, too. Find your pain. Embrace it. Write about it. That might be worth reading about.

What you have on your blog right now--isn't.


For now, I give you for having the ability to write, but not the heart. And, for wasting my fucking time while you jacked off your brain.

132 comments:

  1. Ugh. Couldn't agree more. I need to get me one of those pretty photos like the one on his about me page. I don't trust people that hide their eyes. In my photo, I want garbage hanging from my mouth. And some naked bitches in the background. Holla.

    ReplyDelete
  2. He says he's a computer specialist. What's a computer specialist?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Vivian VonDoom5/26/2009 12:13 PM

    I love Henry Rollins.

    I hate TJ Morgan.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This guy isn't a hipster. Didn't you know? 31-year old mother's from the Mid-west who drink camp ground beer are the new hipster.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanny: Someone that specializes in computers, duh.

    He'd be better off labeling him self as 'my artwork is on a book.' I like the artwork, I can buy the 'artist' tag. But TJ, it's so much cooler when you let others label you. Or something.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I would like to say, in defense of my people: This guy is no fucking hipster. He has no concept of irony and uselessness.

    Hipsters would just pass over him with their dull, lifeless eyes.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm probably not a good judge of whether or not this blog is good. I want to read...well, writing when I look at a blog. The first few pages are just pictures he drew on his I-touch or whatever with some commentary. I don't hate this guy. But I don't really want to get to know him either.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Also, Zoolander. That's all I'm saying.

    ReplyDelete
  9. SERIOUSLY - this dude is the bloggy zoolander.

    ReplyDelete
  10. But, wait, Key, y'all are brothers from the corps. What happened?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Vivian VonDoom5/26/2009 12:21 PM

    Great, we now have the blogging equivalent of Blue Steel.

    ReplyDelete
  12. GoK : I guess that makes me a breathing specialist.

    Fuckin A, iphones rule. Only if you jailbreak them and do cool illegal stuff. Not install brushes.

    Unless.

    ReplyDelete
  13. None of my brothers ever served in Quantico. Nothing personal, a Marine is a Marine, but that doesn't mean I have to like his blog. Or the GlamourShot.

    ReplyDelete
  14. The entire concept of being a hipster is this: try to look and act like you're really not fucking trying. You're above the bullshit, because you know you're not better than anyone: this makes you totally better than everyone.

    Deliberate nonchalance.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oooohhhhh...that's GOOD.

    ReplyDelete
  16. That's my phrase of the day.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Key: What I meant was...your blog is almost too real. His isn't real, at all. Somehow, i thought the corps made men manlier. That apparently didn't happen here.

    ReplyDelete
  18. You know what? That little blurb about altruism having selfish motives is almost the ver batim transcription of a "Friends" episode.

    Take that, hipster douche.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Dude: You're an overworked, redundant repeat of a Friend's episode.

    Bam! Pow!

    Round bombs pwn you.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Seriously, this guy is a fucking stroke.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I don't know, LB, I can't speak for him. I don't know what happened. One thing is for sure: one of us is an anomally.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Fucking round bombs is RIGHT.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I mean, if you're going to pass off someone else's profound thoughts as your own, pick someone really fucking obscure.

    That's the hipster way...

    ReplyDelete
  24. TJ Morgan : philosophy :: Humor Blogs : comedy

    ReplyDelete
  25. Loved this review. This is some serious effete hipster douchebaggery. I went to grad school with guys like this and I just wanted to smack them out of their self-important, navel-gazing artsy-fartsyness. And I generally like artsy-fartsy.

    Also, ditto Gwen: I didn't get past the first page.

    "The blogging equivalent of blue steel." Perfection!

    ReplyDelete
  26. I have determined that Mr. Morgan's creative process involves taking hallucinogens and then blogging. That's the only explanation for someone to fingerpaint that much on their iPod and then spew circular logic arguments.

    ReplyDelete
  27. That paragraph looks as if the guy pulled out a dictionary, looked up the words "cynicism" and "altruism" and then imagined that the words were 69-ing each other and then he came all over his keyboard.

    He's a word fucker.

    ReplyDelete
  28. But TJ, it's so much cooler when you let others label you. Or something.Even better when people are led, ala Dean Martin, to the label.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Also, I'm so glad LB got this one.

    ReplyDelete
  30. So my theme music is done by Dean Martin?

    ReplyDelete
  31. I couldn't put my finger on what bugged me about this blog when I first commented, but it occurred to me as I was working on something else.

    This blog feels like, reads like, he wants you to think he's brilliant and creative and a SNAG (sensitive new age guy). It's like a blog that some guy would put on a card that he'd hand out to women he was trying to pick up. That is what makes it a shitty blog.

    A good blog is one where you have to pause for a second (or more) before giving the address to someone you already know, because there's stuff in there you're not sure you want to share.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I think I've found my new favorite quote.

    ReplyDelete
  33. SNAGs (love it!) remind me of Holistic Harry from Playboy. Anyone?

    ReplyDelete
  34. Does anyone else feel like they may have cornered by this guy in your friend's living room during a bad acid trip?

    ReplyDelete
  35. I'm pretty sure I slept with a beefier, more 90s dance club version of this guy in 1996. It was not a bad experience once he shut up.

    ReplyDelete
  36. He actually reminds me of a person I dated for a year or so in 2006. And this is not a flattering thing.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Do I know this person? And does he have delicate wrists?

    I pretty much hate philosophy, except for the Monty Python variety.

    ReplyDelete
  38. He has slender, delicate hands of death. You should fear them, but you don't. And, now that I've reminded you, can't you see the resemblance?

    ReplyDelete
  39. Wow... when you said you'd found a quote you liked, I thought it was coming from his blog, not my comment.

    Thanks, LB.

    (btw: new Neglectimommy comic inspired by Ms. Gottlieb coming Friday)

    ReplyDelete
  40. Yeah, I can. In a less attractive, more misanthropic coke-addled way. I'm sure Gargamel thought he was a Renaissance man, too.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Gargamel truly believed he was the renaissance come again. I should quote some of his latest poetry on here.

    It's almost as bad as Blue Steel's.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Sci Fi: My rending and rewarding are quirky and unpredictable.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Calling yourself a philosopher? Ok, fine, we all kind of are just by having blogs, which makes that one obvious and redundant. Artist? Alright too, I accept that one, but only in it's pejorative sense. Like, "the guy is a fucking artist". Sort of how you would describe someone that just tried to rip you off and failed. But musician and poet? Dude, you just shot yourself in the foot. Why ya gotta go and handicap yourself like that?

    ReplyDelete
  44. 90% of poetry is just sheer garbage. You have to work so fucking hard to write a decent poem that it's mostly not even worth it.

    p.s. I put gargamel's latest scribblings on my (private) blog for your amusement, Calamity.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Vivian VonDoom5/26/2009 2:22 PM

    I'm glad we've dubbed him Blue Steel.

    PS - SciFi Dad, mess with Ms. Gottlieb and you are playing with fire. Really unrational, aggressive, piss in your face fire.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Vivian VonDoom5/26/2009 2:23 PM

    Unrational = irrational for those that don't speak VonDoom

    ReplyDelete
  47. I concur, Blue Steele is entirely accurate. Round bombs? FACE.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Vivian - thanks for the warning, however I doubt my little piss-ant blog is on her radar

    ReplyDelete
  49. Maybe SciFi likes watersports, Vivian.

    ReplyDelete
  50. LB gets an e-foot rub for a sweet Gargamel reference and for "Artlessly insouciant".

    I love/stalk you more by the day.

    ReplyDelete
  51. I've always loved waterskiing, personally. Also, I doubt Sci Fi is a tweeter.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Actually, I must give credit where credit is due. The term Gargamel, as a descriptor of my coke-addled ex-boyfriend, is entirely of Calamity's coinage.

    However, artlessly insouciant is all mine.

    I think credit should go to the nickname coiner, though. Today's blog is soooo blue steel.

    Free, with your review--an unflattering nickname.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Vivian VonDoom5/26/2009 2:28 PM

    Ghost, I suspect that is why he wears that Storm Trooper mask in public.

    SciFi, Her radar stretches far. She's like Doppler on crack. For a pothead she's wily.

    Blue Steel - I think Rassles wants to have a walk-off. Cue David Bowie.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Unflattering Nicknames: Just another service we provide.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Vivian VonDoom5/26/2009 2:30 PM

    I'm all about giving people unflattering nicknames. It's an art.

    Oops, I may have just narrowly missed calling myself an artist.

    ReplyDelete
  56. LB, look at all you've lost: http://www.smurf.com/images/meet_us/gargamel.jpg

    I just chortled.

    ReplyDelete
  57. ghost: Not into watersports, although I did watch two girls, one cup.

    LB: I have not used, nor do I intend to use the tool of the destruction of thought (twitter) for any purpose other than mocking it.

    ReplyDelete
  58. Im all about nicknames. I have a few frew at work, whom I like and hang out with, that I dont remember thier real names.

    Dumptruck, beardo and Meci-cant.

    ReplyDelete
  59. VV, your new nick is Artista

    ReplyDelete
  60. Hobo names are really the best, ain't that right, Unicorn Jenkins?

    ReplyDelete
  61. Unicorn Jenkins likes nicknames, too.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Cal:

    I think I miss the shitty poetry and tiny precious gems the most.

    ReplyDelete
  63. wait... when did we switch to darts?

    (google unicorn jenkins to understand wtf I am babbling about)

    ReplyDelete
  64. WTF? I give someone a hobo name and it already exists?

    How does that happen?

    Especially something as strange as Unicorn Jenkins?

    ReplyDelete
  65. I miss hearing someone correct him and order him around.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Ok, no fucking way. Booms, how do you do that? Now I need a new name.

    ReplyDelete
  67. I wish I would have heard him bowing down to your man. THAT would have been enjoyable.

    Suck it, Trebeck.

    ReplyDelete
  68. Suck it geeks!

    Felt like the right time to say it.

    ReplyDelete
  69. ME TOO! I want a hobo name of my very own, and I will love it and hug it and kiss it and squeeze it.

    ReplyDelete
  70. Cal - We could always go to the ol'standby, Unicorn Jones, but it's just not the same.

    Perhaps Unicorn Wilson. Or just the full on hobo-esque Unicorn Bojangles.

    ReplyDelete
  71. Don't be a stranger, anon. Grow some stones.

    Love,

    anonymous blog reamer

    ReplyDelete
  72. LB - I'm thinking you are Shakey. Shakey Cunningham. Of the park bench Cunninghams.

    ReplyDelete
  73. If Anon doesn't stone up, I'm going to give him an anonymous nickname.

    ReplyDelete
  74. It was me, a forgot to list my url and name.

    Poncho is fine, ty for asking

    ReplyDelete
  75. Well, we've got to continue with Unicorn. I mean, the unsightly forehead growth is still there.

    ReplyDelete
  76. Yeah, if you ever get that lanced off, we're going to be out of business.

    ReplyDelete
  77. I will not bestow it upon anyone, but I think Shoetree Carmichael is a good hobo name.

    ReplyDelete
  78. I offer Fuck Pumpkin and Shiv Mcleary up as possible names.

    ReplyDelete
  79. As long as he doesn't get confused with Shoehorn Flannigan.

    ReplyDelete
  80. The Carmichaels and the Flannigans have a long and sordid history; one could never confuse one for the other.

    ReplyDelete
  81. That's true story.

    So I'm thinking that some kind of hobo justice league should be formed. New heroes, new uniforms, new powers, villains beware!

    They can meet at the bus station. I know, I've been to one now.

    ReplyDelete
  82. Thanks for the the review! I really appreciate the constructive critism and comments. Bad reviews are the best reviews. I have a lot to improve. I find it hilarious at how bad "quote me" comes off as. I'll probably be changing that at least.

    ReplyDelete
  83. Just so you know, Blue Steel, it's not your thoughts that are garbage: it's the way you present them.

    ReplyDelete
  84. I understand and agree with that. I love this review.

    ReplyDelete
  85. Vivian VonDoom5/26/2009 3:30 PM

    Wow, you really are Blue Steel.

    ReplyDelete
  86. Dear Blue Steel:

    Thanks for accepting your reaming like the man we all hope you will someday be.

    Also, what is up with that color themes nonsense. Are you gay?

    (Not that there's anything wrong with it, in fact, if you were gay, that might add interest for me)

    ReplyDelete
  87. Yeah, the real mark of genius, TJ, is making your ideas and thoughts important to someone that isn't you.

    ReplyDelete
  88. It appears that some bloggers are, in fact, able to bend over and take it like men.

    ReplyDelete
  89. I bet he learned that in the Corps...

    ^.^

    ReplyDelete
  90. I don't know, I keep looking at that jacket and thinking 'is he Japanese?' or 'does he just love apparel that makes him appear to be one of those hellians on motorbykes'.

    Oh, and LB, shame on you.

    ReplyDelete
  91. Vivian VonDoom5/26/2009 3:34 PM

    Isn't it strange that those who dish it can't take it, but then here comes Blue Steel and teaches the world to sing.

    ReplyDelete
  92. I get the feeling that he actually wanted a review, not a seaman's sendoff.

    ReplyDelete
  93. I have no shame, Key. ;)

    You should know that by now.

    And yeah, I think that he was seeking a reaming, and not a rimjob. That's a rarity, and I like him better for it.

    ReplyDelete
  94. Turns out he's the anomally. I like rimjobs.

    ReplyDelete
  95. I like anomalies. And rimjobs.

    ReplyDelete
  96. Do you know, we didn't have comment threads about anal sex and salad tossing when you weren't here, Key. It was like an estrogen festival.

    ReplyDelete
  97. while he jacked off his brain?

    God, I swear I'm marrying you someday.

    ReplyDelete
  98. That's what I'm sayin'. This place was lacking it's perverted element.

    ReplyDelete
  99. Ugh, I know. I watched some of it. Well, because I like girl on girl. And I'm a pervert. The salad bar is open and operational again.

    ReplyDelete
  100. I'm the Sixth Element: Perversion.

    ReplyDelete
  101. Also, let's have the Punctuation Police rather than the Hobo Justice League, okay? All we need is sharpie and a car. We can run around correcting all the grammatical errors on hobos signs....


    No costumes necessary.

    ReplyDelete
  102. You act as if hobos should live within the rules of grammar and punctuation.

    Hobos don't live within any sort of law.

    ReplyDelete
  103. That sounds great, Mr. Lady. I unvolunteer myself to deal with all the periods.

    ReplyDelete
  104. Love Bites, No, I am not gay, sorry. As far as the color pallets, they come in handy when designing.

    ghost of keywork, many geniuses are not recognized until they are dead and gone. Also, a genius isn't concerned with impressing people. I don't claim any genius status anyways. If my ideas and thoughts move or touch even just one person, that is good enough for me. Even bad material has it's influence.

    Yea, I didn't want any sugar coated fluff review. That is why I submitted to your fine services. Fluff reviews are BS and nobody gains much from just being told how great they are. This seemed like the perfect place to get a real review, of not only my blog, but how my blog reflects my character. Thanks for keeping it real.

    ReplyDelete
  105. Um, yeah, TJ, I think that's pretty much what I already said.

    ReplyDelete
  106. Whatever, I had fun nerding out while the cool kids were in hiding.

    ReplyDelete
  107. I gain immeasurable satisfaction from being told how wonderful I am. Aaaaaand... GO!

    ReplyDelete
  108. Calamity is wonderful because she likes bad movies.

    ReplyDelete
  109. And they are loved with sincerity, not irony. So much better to love things sincerely.

    ReplyDelete
  110. Calamity is all things awesome because she may just have an alter ego that pisses in their own shoes and sleeps covered up in a trash bag.

    ReplyDelete
  111. And she may/may not kick ass at darts.

    ReplyDelete
  112. Or at least one of her tits kicks ass at darts.

    ReplyDelete
  113. Hobo darts is the all the rage sweeping the country right now.

    ReplyDelete
  114. Hobo darts result in eye gouging and that unsightly growth on Unicorn Jenkins' head.

    ReplyDelete
  115. Or at least, hobo darts is sweeping the back alleys and train cars.

    ReplyDelete
  116. Hobos are just really good at darts because of their fingerless gloves.

    ReplyDelete
  117. That's the secret. Don't keep all at power pent up under the constriction of fingered gloves.

    ReplyDelete
  118. Um, hello, Buttdart Elephant.

    What about Unibrow Jenkins? Maybe you could paint the horn pink and be Dildo Jenkins? No? Ok.

    ReplyDelete
  119. They're also essential for breakdancing.

    ReplyDelete
  120. Hobos are so the new pirate.

    ReplyDelete
  121. So the story goes, Dean Martin spent his life hamming it up pretending to be a hopeless drunk. "Drunk" was his given label, though his close friends revealed he rarely touched the stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  122. Next up? Hobo pinups!

    ReplyDelete
  123. That's prolly because Dean kept on playing the drunk in movies like Rio Bravo.

    ReplyDelete
  124. Dean Martin: Poser I'd Have Fucked. WIth glee.

    ReplyDelete
  125. I read this post this morning and have been snapping in unison with myself all day in celebration of this lovely review.

    ReplyDelete
  126. Oh, and Calamity is so awesome that I am, in this very moment, so struck with her awesomeness that I am incapable of rendering awesome words that would achieve an awesome enough description of her awesomeness.

    ReplyDelete
  127. My awesomeness almost always renders people dumb, Mongo.

    At first I typed "dump." Same general idea.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.