Lady Bitchiness

That would be me, of course. Not limited to, but especially, on Mondays.

Today, reviewing Lady Sarcasm, aka Chica.

Lady Sarcasm is a frequent commenter, which will probably make the fanny slapping sting a bit more, for all concerned. In the spirit of fair play, though, I have to call them as I sees them.

Let's start with the homespun template.

Problems:

1. The header image is fucked in IE. Since that's what we are limited to when I'm at work, and I'm not one to blog for this blog on weekends, I have no idea what the header image actually looks like.

2. The navigation buttons: Maybe they work in front of the header image, but as I can't see the header image, they are practically invisible in their existing form, and arrowing over them only slightly improves things.

3. You have the ability to make navigation buttons, so why in the fuck is your sidebar still crowded with recent post titles, recent poster comments, twittery shit, your blog roll, and other assorted skullfuckery? C'mon, Chica. Clean this shit up.

4. The order of your sidebar is buggered. Think about what will make things most easy to navigate through your blog for a user. About you, recent posts, categories, then get rid of everything else.

5. Your share/save button is all bolloxed up.

6. All the gadgets on this page (who's among us, feedburner, twitterfeed, recent viewers) make this page load slower than old ladies drive.

7. Filed under/# of comments - if you put too many labels in, it kicks in a second line of comments that looks odd.

I appreciate that you clearly took a lot of time to work on this design, but it's still functionally impaired. Given that, I'd prefer a ready-made/boring--but functional--template. The color scheme is also hard on the eyes given that you've chosen a lot of very closely related colors (mauve and plum, for instance) on top of one another. That = illegible.

I give you two flaming fingers for your template, Chica. Either fix these problems, or just go with a functional readymade.



Next up...the reaming of the writing.

Chica: EDIT. FFS, please, I beg of you, EDIT.

You fall prey to a number of sloppy tendencies:

Mixing pronouns...

But since I'm such a nice and loving person, one cannot act on such ideas.

Sloppy proofreading and overly complicating things...

This could cause potential boxes matches for the shiny pile of metal and plastic we call a PC.

General slipshodness:

start having a littering party of their toys, animals, and books?

Wtf?

Speaking of littering parties, there is the writing on this blog. The content is hit/miss (mostly miss), and suffers from mostly non-existent editing. There are all-too frequent typos that distract from the content and slow the flow for the reader, who has to self-contort to figure out what is being said. There is also too much emphasis on regular features like "Captioneers."

Lady Sarcasm, we love you, but your blog needs work. There is almost no depth here, and frankly, it bored me to tears.

Is this really all you have to give? I don't buy that for a second.

And, the fact that you can't be bothered to proofread your posts is a fucking insult to anyone who takes the time to read your blog. Furthermore, overly complicating your prose results in a stitled and uncomfortable read.

You need to spend some time, not on the Nintendo DS, but reading good books, learning how to capture dialogue and tell stories. Here are a couple I recommend:

The Messenger - Marcus Zusak
Hey Nostradamus - Douglas Coupland

Both of these writers do a great job of communicating internal and external dialogue, fleshing out characters, and keeping the plot of the story rolling. They also stay out of their own way (a skill you need to develop). Unless you are one of the main plot actors, you need to shut up. Just tell the story. We don't need your extra perspectives. In fact, most of the blogs we read would benefit from something similar. Stop using I. Start using simple, clear language. Describe the scene. Be visual. Let characters tell the story, through dialogue. Focus on the action and conflict between characters, not on yourself.

Right now, I give your content a . You're a fun commenter, but your blog is the internet equivalent of non-flavorful wallpaper paste.

You could be better, though. And I'd like to see your blog when you are.