Monday, June 22, 2009

Lady Bitchiness

That would be me, of course. Not limited to, but especially, on Mondays.

Today, reviewing Lady Sarcasm, aka Chica.

Lady Sarcasm is a frequent commenter, which will probably make the fanny slapping sting a bit more, for all concerned. In the spirit of fair play, though, I have to call them as I sees them.

Let's start with the homespun template.


1. The header image is fucked in IE. Since that's what we are limited to when I'm at work, and I'm not one to blog for this blog on weekends, I have no idea what the header image actually looks like.

2. The navigation buttons: Maybe they work in front of the header image, but as I can't see the header image, they are practically invisible in their existing form, and arrowing over them only slightly improves things.

3. You have the ability to make navigation buttons, so why in the fuck is your sidebar still crowded with recent post titles, recent poster comments, twittery shit, your blog roll, and other assorted skullfuckery? C'mon, Chica. Clean this shit up.

4. The order of your sidebar is buggered. Think about what will make things most easy to navigate through your blog for a user. About you, recent posts, categories, then get rid of everything else.

5. Your share/save button is all bolloxed up.

6. All the gadgets on this page (who's among us, feedburner, twitterfeed, recent viewers) make this page load slower than old ladies drive.

7. Filed under/# of comments - if you put too many labels in, it kicks in a second line of comments that looks odd.

I appreciate that you clearly took a lot of time to work on this design, but it's still functionally impaired. Given that, I'd prefer a ready-made/boring--but functional--template. The color scheme is also hard on the eyes given that you've chosen a lot of very closely related colors (mauve and plum, for instance) on top of one another. That = illegible.

I give you two flaming fingers for your template, Chica. Either fix these problems, or just go with a functional readymade.

Next up...the reaming of the writing.

Chica: EDIT. FFS, please, I beg of you, EDIT.

You fall prey to a number of sloppy tendencies:

Mixing pronouns...
But since I'm such a nice and loving person, one cannot act on such ideas.

Sloppy proofreading and overly complicating things...
This could cause potential boxes matches for the shiny pile of metal and plastic we call a PC.

General slipshodness:
start having a littering party of their toys, animals, and books?


Speaking of littering parties, there is the writing on this blog. The content is hit/miss (mostly miss), and suffers from mostly non-existent editing. There are all-too frequent typos that distract from the content and slow the flow for the reader, who has to self-contort to figure out what is being said. There is also too much emphasis on regular features like "Captioneers."

Lady Sarcasm, we love you, but your blog needs work. There is almost no depth here, and frankly, it bored me to tears.

Is this really all you have to give? I don't buy that for a second.

And, the fact that you can't be bothered to proofread your posts is a fucking insult to anyone who takes the time to read your blog. Furthermore, overly complicating your prose results in a stitled and uncomfortable read.

You need to spend some time, not on the Nintendo DS, but reading good books, learning how to capture dialogue and tell stories. Here are a couple I recommend:

The Messenger - Marcus Zusak
Hey Nostradamus - Douglas Coupland

Both of these writers do a great job of communicating internal and external dialogue, fleshing out characters, and keeping the plot of the story rolling. They also stay out of their own way (a skill you need to develop). Unless you are one of the main plot actors, you need to shut up. Just tell the story. We don't need your extra perspectives. In fact, most of the blogs we read would benefit from something similar. Stop using I. Start using simple, clear language. Describe the scene. Be visual. Let characters tell the story, through dialogue. Focus on the action and conflict between characters, not on yourself.

Right now, I give your content a . You're a fun commenter, but your blog is the internet equivalent of non-flavorful wallpaper paste.

You could be better, though. And I'd like to see your blog when you are.


  1. Two flaming fingers? One for each of my..? oops! lol You won't believe how many books I've read in my life, but my one brain cell won't do a damn thing with that knowledge. I applaud your review, and now going to go play with some flaming fingers and practice getting the "meh" outta my little blog. :)

  2. DAMN.

    I'm literally scared for my life after reading this review.

    I submitted my own blog, and I pray I do not get you. Lol.

    I'm only kidding. . . . Sort of.

  3. If you're scared, why not fix what you suspect I'm going to fuck you up about?

    That seems like the rational course of action to me.

  4. Nice to see things are equal opportunity for the flaying around here - friends and foes alike.

  5. I agree with Reluctant Housewife. I'm glad you aren't any gentler with regular commenters around here.

    Actually, they should probably get it harder than the non-regulars, cause they should know better by now. But I'm one to talk. It took me something like 8 months to take Calamity's advice about my template.

  6. I'm pretty much generically bitchy with everyone, which should be comforting, right? ;)

  7. LB - Currently doing so, trust me. But I still have a feeling you all are still going to rip me to shreds.

    Oh well.

    Have a bitchy day.

  8. It is comforting... All's right with the world (happy, contented sigh).

  9. Lady Madonna, children at your feet
    Wonder how you manage to make ends meet
    Who find the money when you pay the rent
    Did you think that money was heaven sent

    Talk about a detailed review, that Siul ruin girl would have cried.

  10. Vivian VonDoom6/22/2009 5:48 PM

    And here I was planning on stepping up my reviewing game this week.

    Now? I have to.

  11. Do you know that EVERY blog design client I have gotten has asked that I make their blog "AAYSR compliant"?

    Not that I am, ahem, pushing my services here or anything. Ahem.


    No, really.

  12. PS. Which means, I roll up their archives, two-column, side bar declutter, tabs, about me, white background with black text.

    And an awesome design around all that!

  13. "white background with black text"

    Huh, see this is what I don't understand. I read somewhere that a black background with light text is easier to read, because a white background with black text is like reading writing on a lightbulb.

    Calamity went all medieval on my previous color scheme so I had to change it to a light background (almost white) + dark text. I'm still not convinced a white background is more readable.

  14. Yeah, what Blues said. I almost stopped reading after I saw 'frequent commenter'. Way to be objective, LB. Junk is junk.

  15. Black background with light text makes me want to kill myself while reading.

    I'm guessing they still print books and every other form of publication in this way because it's preferrable.

  16. I'm guessing they still print books and every other form of publication in this way because it's preferrable.

    Right, but white pages don't emit light - computer monitors do. Hence the lightbulb analogy.

  17. Chica's blog IS busy, but it's busy in a neat sort of way.

    I think I'll submit my blog. I hope I get you to review it, ms. bites. I'm going for three flaming fingers and a fuck you Spaz.

    I hope you watch for it.

  18. Than, let's leave it at "to each his own".

    However, I think I have majority rule on this one. Just saying.

  19. I really appreciate the effort you put into this review. I used to feel nervous too about you getting to my blog and ripping it apart. As I continue to read all the reviews, I am able to pick out the "insults" and see the helpful advice. I totally dig the upfront and in your face way the things are done around here.

    No im not kissing ass. Just watch my blog get torn to shreds. Hopefully i will be able to improve it. That is my goal.

  20. I pray I get you and that you ream me up and down.

    And the blog thing too.

  21. OUCH! I love Chica. She has such a great sense of humor about your review. I could never be a reviewer.. I am too damn nice

  22. Dizz:

    Clearly you have never worked with addicts. If you had, you'd realize that sometimes the nicest thing you can do for someone is to kick them right in the box.

  23. AD: If you think your template looks "good," you're delusional. Start with that.

  24. Yeah, AD needs some serious design help, if it can even be helped.

    Besides that, just redid my whole blog. I won't dare mention that I almost like it the way it is now. Almost.


  25. Yay for Chica. Your blog looks great these days in Firefox.

  26. Wow, that was a gigantic improvement. Now if she can tackle the "Meh" as easily...

  27. You guys should hug.

    Slowly and a little too close.

  28. Hug? I hug anything that smells good. Including trees. Trees are sticky though. lmao

  29. My balls are made of potpourri.

    Can you review me tomorrow, I have the day off and I want to get the full wave of loathing.

  30. To Love Bites and Lady Sarcasm, if you saw what my blog looked like before it was renovated, you'd want to rip your eyeballs out and stick them in rubbing alcohol.

    Ahaha. You might still want to do that now, but I don't give a flying potato.


    I look forward to the bashing.

  31. AD: I saw your blog, I just got back from the hospital, for the eye transplant. Through the little wholes in my gauze, I can see that your blog isn't so bad anymore.

  32. You know what cracks me up? The reviewer uses the word "stitled" in slamming a blog on proofreading. Stitled? Could our reviewer have not proofread either? Would this be the kettle call the pot black? Bwahahaha...I think I just "stitled" in my pants...

  33. VE - As much as I wish she did make a mistake for pointing out other people's mistakes. . . the word "stilted" is a real word. It means not fluent, and her case, the word fits perfectly in the sentence.


  34. Wow, VE, that's the best you've got?

    Oh, wait. I've seen your blog. Yeah, it is.

  35. Aww jeeze VE, you just poked the tiger.

    Nice knowing you.

  36. I give props and sex if she wants to Lady for not getting all butt hurt and actually seeing the advice as constructive not all cat-fighty.

  37. VE's point was that she spelled stilted wrong. Stitled instead of stilted.

  38. Gosh, Anonymous, ya think? I'm sure glad you explained that to us. The rest of us were totally clueless until you arrived on the scene to set things straight.

  39. Well, it did seem like AD didn't realize that when they explained that stilted is a real word. Sorry. I didn't mean to point out the obvious. I'm a first time reader trying to learn more about blogging. Brandon/Anonymous

  40. Brandon, no biggie. We might be slightly rough around the edges here. And by we, I mean me.


Grow a pair.