Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.

The world of business and corporations and networking and conference calls and Six Sigma and Someone Stole My Cheese and marketing-speak and power suits is utterly beyond me. It's all so much nonsense. Which is kind of a shame, really, because I'd probably be making a lot more money if things like "branding," "market share," and "competitive intell" meant anything at all to me.

But Dot Com Mom gets it in spades. And she writes about it. Lucky me.

Blogger has, I'm guessing, something like 10 standard templates available for the 36 million (roughly) bloggers using its platform. Each of them are tired, boring, and barely functional not to mention generally ugly. Do you really identify yourself so much with the sea and nautical life that you'd use their lighthouse template to represent who you are? I know one person who can reasonably get away with this, and you aren't that person.

Look, people: a blog is, if nothing else, an expression of self (or at least it damn well should be). Sure, for us it's about the writing, and good writing is more likely to make me disregard the trappings of your blog. You can wrap a pile of dog shit up in pretty bows and lovely paper, but it's still a pile of dog shit. But if you wrap a pile of gold in used diapers, I'm not going to go digging for the gold. Appearance and accessibility matter.

That said, your blog could be gorgeous and cleverly formatted and easily navigated, but if you don't post consistently you're just taking up space. Allison's got a grand total of 18 posts. Two of them from 2003. And she hasn't written since March. This is a colossal waste of my time.

Not surprisingly there's no About page, and Allison's Blogger profile gives nothing away. So I don't know why I should listen to a thing she has to say, there's no impetus for me to be curious about her because she likes something I like or hates something I like or mentions something personally intriguing. There's nothing personal here. It's a small collection of self-important essays on politics, technology, and lord knows what all else because it's so heavily couched in tech and marketing and management terms that it loses all meaning for me.

Allison makes you work for it, and even the good stuff can be an ungodly chore to get through, with explanatory links and marginally obscure references overshadowing really quite fine writing. I didn't care enough to click on those external links. I mean, do we really need a link to a definition of "smart cookie"? No, no we don't. Those links are distracting instead of helpful; they just direct us away from your writing, which is (or could be) really rather good. I'm not denying the very real intelligence Allison displays, but it's off-puttingly lacquered with excess information while being unsettlingly devoid of heart.

I could go through and list my constructive criticism now, but I honestly can't be bothered to expend the energy for someone who hasn't updated since March and managed to eke out a dozen posts this year. Get back to me when you've decided to be a blogger.

69 comments:

  1. Gah. This is a perfect example of 'things that will keep me away from the internet indefinitely'. Fuck.

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  2. I think someone got in touch with her inner bitch this week, and I like it. I call this "tough love."

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  3. Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler...

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  4. I can be bitchy when bitchiness is called for. I don't even call this tough love. It's more exasperated annoyance than anything.

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  5. Good call on this one. Bitchiness was needed here.

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  6. And don't forget, I need those TPS reports first thing. mmmmm'kay?

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  7. Lol, a lighthouse? Gah.

    Annd did the title of this review, is that a quote from Office Space?
    :]

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  8. ah, Thanatos answered my question..


    I believe you have my stapler.

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  9. I am not kidding when I tell you I once stuck my hand into a poop filled toilet to retrieve one of my grandmother's favorite gold and ruby rings.
    Now I'm all worried I might dig through a poopy diaper pile to look for gold.
    Damn.

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  10. "I don't like paying bills either. I'm just not gonna do it anymore." Peter Gibbons is my movie boyfriend.

    I clicked on the Twitter post. I guess the writing is good but I don't understand how the beginning of her post relates to the rest of it. Am I just not smart enough to figure it out? She goes from talking about being boring to talking about Anita Hill/sexual harrassment to Twitter. I can't keep up with this thought process. Great review!

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  11. Dot Com Shitbomb. That's all I've got today. Oh, if you haven't already, check the bitchin video the Hooker and I made. Hint: It's on both of our blogs.

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  12. I am going to find my copy of Office Space, that was some good stuff.

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  13. Maybe y'all should make life a little easier on yourselves and impose a requirement of two posts per month before a blog is eligible for review, especially since your queue is so long. That way you could avoid wasting time and brain cells.

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  14. I'm sort of baffled as to why a person would submit for review with only a total of 10 posts. What is the point? Can't be to get the traffic since she doesn't seem to care about her blog that much. Did she assume she'd get accolades on what she posted?

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  15. Franklin:

    It probably is a waste of our time, unless we have an emotional need to ream someone or something out, for compelling real life reasons. And, if you have the need to read a reaming.

    In that case, such blogs meet a need. But yeah, in general...I agree.

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  16. Also, am I the only one that thinks that watching a Key y Hooker video = fast track to getting fired from my job?

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  17. I think that too. I'm waiting to get home before I view it.

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  18. Yeah, LB, the language is a tad rough I guess. There is full frontal nudity, but we found a way to censor it and make it mildly safe for work. I think.

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  19. Full frontal nudity? Now I really want to see it.

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  20. And now, I'm really convinced I DON'T want to see it. But I did leave scathing comments on your Iranian post. Maybe we can have another blog war amongst ourselves.

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  21. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  22. They've blocked video at work, bet they saw this coming. No harm done, a few hours' delay won't kill anyone.

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  23. Ah yes, I was wondering when you were going to chime in, darling.

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  24. I hereby rescind the hit this dot com woman got from me, when I clicked over from this site.

    I feel used.

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  25. GoD: I just need to know if the video will cause trouble with our horses. I mean, it IS breeding season around here and the stud horse is already more than a handful.
    Um, actually, his cock is the size of a grown man's arm, so he's WAY more than a handful.
    I've shared to much, haven't I?

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  26. I found your video charming, honestly. Ok, so there was semen talk. But I like semen.

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  27. I could only make it through 2 minutes, which is the precise length of my attention span, and that's pushing it.

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  28. MG: It's totally safe for horses, you filthy skank.

    Cal: Thanks! I'll make sure the next video has 'extra' semen. Talk. Extra semen talk. There.

    LB: It's rather long, isn't it?

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  29. You asked for it, LB: Next time we're together I'm going to hold your chin so that I can be sure you're paying attention to me if I talk for more than 2 minutes. It'll be great.

    I won't really, though. I'll just snap my fingers or whistle or something.

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  30. It's over 18 minutes. I watched through the sock reveal so far. Maybe I'll go back. Maybe I'll go outside to make sure the stud horse isn't trying to hump the gelded donkey. Even worse? To make sure he's not trying to hump Hellbilly.

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  31. It's better than twenty minutes of anything on TV that I've watched lately.

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  32. I used rather a lot of adverbs in that review. Weird.

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  33. Wait, a horse's cock is the size of a man's arm? Why have I never noticed that?

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  34. Gwen: That fuckin' thing is huge. Guys that see it get all jealous. The girls? Grossed out and further skeptical of the guy's thinking.
    Plus, our stud horse's schlong is multi-colored. Kind of like Neopolitan ice cream.
    Disgusting.

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  35. Now every time the ice cream guy dings by on his bike/ice cream rickshaw thing I'm going to think of horsecock.

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  36. I don't know why a guy would want a cock that large. I don't know a girl who would want that. My neopolitan ice cream is going right in trash when I get home.

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  37. Horsecock is just not a pleasant site, really. I'm against it.

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  38. Err, sight. SIGHT! Dammit.

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  39. I guess it could be called a "site" if it's really big.

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  40. True. It's the site of me fainting dead away.

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  41. Oh, that horsecock site is a sight alright.

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  42. can we please stop talking about Keywork's cock?

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  43. Why you gotta build him up like that, LB?

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  44. So I can tear him down later.

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  45. If I could return your time to you, I would. For those of us that possess varied lives away from the computer monitor, and are experimenting...it's true...."We just don't care Bob!" But I do appreciate the read, and parameters for improvement.Thank you. Oooh! So scathing! Good luck cleaning up the blogosphere, one clueless writer at a time. And you're write; I would never call myself a blogger.

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  46. I'm sorry Cal, I'll roll it up and put it away for now.

    LB: This is just like boot camp with more women.

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  47. Well, aside from the backhanded compliment, I think she took that like a champ.

    It's fun when people who can't or don't do something well mock those who can and do.

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  48. I guess she told you. Did it sting?

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  49. By the way, I love the insinuation that we live unvaried lives glued to our computer screens. I'll have you know, I'm going to a NASCAR race this weekend. Don't get more varied than that.

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  50. It only hurts at first. Although, I mocked the hell out of her, so turnabout is fair play.

    I have no life outside of this computer. I'm pretty sure it's my life support and if I unhook myself my vitals will fail. I don't want to risk it, since I provide such a valuable service to the blogiverse.

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  51. This is all funny to me. Would you read a blogger who lived through a computer? No. What the fuck would we have to write about if we lived chained to a computer, you stupid fuck? Jesus. I could give a fuck less about your extraordinarily varied existence because you lack the skills to properly illustrate it. Horsecock.

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  52. I don't know about you all, but I'm spending the weekend downloading some megahurtz so that I can win teh internetz.

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  53. Seriously, her comment is fucking hysterical.

    The only bloggers that are worth reading are the ones that seem the most alive outside of their blog.

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  54. Except for zombie blogs. They're allowed to be dead. And moaning.

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  55. And since her blog reads like lines copied from different textbooks, rather than letting personal opinion and philosophy just shine through stories about how she lives her life, just proves her lack of imagination.

    To me, at least.

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  56. True, Cal. And hungry for braaaaiiinnnnssss...

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  57. Please, someone, somewhere, start a zombie blog. That would be more lifelike and animated than this chick's blog.

    Signed, the Zombie who looks like Jay Leno

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  58. http://projectkickass.com/zombie-attack-plan/


    Thats as close to a zombie blog as I get.

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  59. Cal,

    Could you read my blog and moan?
    That would complete my spank bank.

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  60. I actually SAW a zombie blog at some point. Have no fuckin' clue how to find it now.
    That comment, by the way, boring. Yet another reason I shall give her blog not one click of traffic.

    GoD: Dream on. That stud horse's cock is simply.not.right. No decent, sane man would want something like that. OK. Wait. You're indecent and insane. Nevermind.

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  61. Why does Mongoliangirl call GoK "GoD" ? The horsecock?

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  62. And she spelled weirdness wrong in her really long tagline...

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  63. Allison wrote: And you're write; I would never call myself a blogger.

    Her comment annoyed me for a number of reasons. First and foremost because it just oozed with condescension. If you are going to be so condescending to a person you asked to review your blog, at least get the words "right" and "write" sorted out.

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  64. hey I have a question, when you rate blog how do you guys feel about video blogs?
    you do watch them? or ignore them?

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  65. Franco, if it's yours, it will probably be ignored.

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  66. I don't watch them. for one thing, I don't really have time to look at blogs, except when I'm working. And, if I'm reading, I can at least pretend to be working, but if I'm watching a video, it's pretty obvious I'm not working. And, two, I don't think most people know how to edit themselves on video any better than they edit themselves in print, which I find frustrating and annoying.

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Grow a pair.