Thursday, July 02, 2009

Don't bother with the new tricks, just shoot him

I had two choices yesterday evening, sit and watch more Michael Jackson breaking news, or write up this review of a 'Gringo in paradise'.

(Is that one choice, or two?)

Anyway, I went with the gringo, because he has more life in him. Barely.

Gringo doesn't put himself forward very well, he describes himself as 'an average 50 something who has retired early'. If you haven't slid off your chair in excitement, let me add that the blog is visually terrible.

I think Blogger are having a chuckle amongst themselves by offering it as a template, but seriously gringo, do YOU like the too-much-fibre shade of brown your efforts are decked out in?

You live a life of leisure on a Mexican island, why not brighten it up a little?

Onwards and er...upwards. You bored the hell out of me. Really. I went back as far as March and had to stop because from a starting point of just being bored and feeling a little sympathetic towards you, you ended up making me bored and irritated.

You are fixated on the act of blogging (and bloggers), and not any art that may accompany it. You meticulously churn out posts without putting an ounce of effort into crafting them.

You nearly made me cry when I saw you write this:
'Normally I spend Sunday afternoons putting together my five posts for the week. All neat and tidy, ready to go at 6:05 AM every morning.'

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. If you spent that afternoon writing one post with a bit of heart or spirit instead, it would be time much better spent.

Whether you live in Rome, or New Jersey, or Tbilisi, or Mexico, it will never make interesting reading to dedicate a post to how you got some cheap limes.

You wrote the only account of civil disturbance in existence that is FDA approved for treatment of insomnia. Bullet holes do not equate to bullet points.

I lost all hope when I spotted a glaring contradiction when you moan about kids not wearing shirts in town, or 'gasp' a woman's bra strap showing, yet you have no problem in perving on the topless beach and posting individual's pictures on the internet.

Dirty old man. Dirty boring old man.

46 comments:

  1. He's not a terrible writer, but yeah: boring. I can see where it would be interesting to other expats down that way, and I know he'll value having kept track of his experiences like this, but for passerby like me? I'm not going to stick around for more.

    Also, I can't imagine prepping five posts in one day. It seems, I don't know, sterile. Preplanned and packaged. I prefer a little off the cuff (well-edited off the cuff, though).

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  2. Heh. Gene calling him a dirty old man made me giggle like a school man.

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  3. What is it with ex-pat blogs? I have yet to find one that is worth visiting twice.

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  4. Just because you're a retiree doesn't mean you have to be boring. I think blue streak's blog is a good example of an ex-pat blog that's interesting.

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  5. Vivian VonDoom7/02/2009 9:59 AM

    His whole rant about the bra strap, shirtlessness and saucer sized nipples made me want to throat punch him.

    A really dull and boring throat punch.

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  6. Yeah, this guy is that uncle I never call or ask about. Go bore someone else, fuckbag.

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  7. Dear Sarah,

    For fucks sake, please read your comments before posting them.

    That was supposed to say 'school GIRL' and yet I wrote MAN. Ooops.

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  8. Sarah, you're the filthiest school man I've never met.

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  9. You're more than welcome, Sarah.

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  10. I saw that Sarah and thought, "well that's different. A school man. Hmmm. Are they given to giggling?" I think way too much about some of these things.

    The thought of you dressed like a school girl though, well that sort of makes me smile. I'm not a lesbian, per se, but it interests me.

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  11. Um, you two should totally make out now. Thx.

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  12. Heh, thanks Gwen! Not a lesbian per se huh? So, only part time then?

    And Ghost, I'd totally make out with her.

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  13. I'd totally make out with both of ya. Mmmmmm, Sarah and Gweny.

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  14. I really hate it when bloggers think that posting an okay picture of a beautiful place is a "blog." First, photos are meaningless without some kind of explanation. And, photos have to be pretty damn good for me to want to look at them. Lastly, this blog has all the personality of sand. Wait. Sand has more personality.

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  15. I want to stab this old fuck bag with dried cat poop.

    Just waiting for the post where he bemoans those "damn kids and their rock n roll".

    That was the first act in my over reaction theater.

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  16. A threesome with DPH and Sarah and myself? That would be divine. I'm having a little reaction just thinking about that, truth be told. I'm really not a lesbian, though. I love men to a sick degree. Maybe I'm bi?

    I'm talking about threesomes with women because I need something to stimulate my brain after even hearing about this snoozefest of a blog.

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  17. Everyone else shut up.

    Ladies, do go on.

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  18. Yeah, expat blogs suck.

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  19. Actually, I should watch myself, turns out the reviewer is an expat himself.

    P.S. Thanks LB

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  20. Yum! Gwen and DPH. Now thats sounds fun!
    Truth be told Gwen, I myself love men a little to much. Nothing like a big hard cock to put a grin on a girls face. But, women are so soft and pretty. Best of both worlds I call it.

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  21. Oh, and Chris...the dried cat poop thing? Fucking hilarious!

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  22. I usually like expat blogs. Blues, of course. A Free Man. A Florida Girl in Sydney. I enjoy them because I've never really been anywhere so I can sort of live through them. Sad, but true. Also, the writing on those blogs is superior. So, even an ex-pat blog can be boring if the writing sucks.

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  23. Sarah - I so agree. I can really enjoy a cock. I could also enjoy a pussy, on the right girl.

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  24. #3 on google!

    http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rlz=1T4GGLL_enUS308US309&q=groin%20falling%20asleep

    Suck it geeks!

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  25. A sleepy groin is not helpful in this situation.

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  26. Sad, just sad. I was hoping to get some constructive critism and maybe some tips, not just snarky comments. I won't be changing a thing though. My stats show that over 1000 people a day are reading my blog. I will be working on healing the new asshole you ripped me though.

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  27. Gringo: Dude, this is the Snarky Comment Generator, you know that. Also, if you're blogging for hits, well, I'm sorry.

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  28. Well, if your stats say that, then you must be a far better person than people who think your blog is boring and lame.

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  29. By the way, Gringo, the blog advice given was:

    brighten your template
    put effort into crafting your posts
    write with heart and spirit

    ...which is basically said in every single review on this site.

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  30. Since when is 'you bore the fuck out of me' not constructive criticism?

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  31. That just means that there are at least 1000 boring ppl out there with an ISP. I get 1700 hits a day an Im 8/5 retarded.

    You didnt want consructive critism you wanted ppl to confirm the fact that you are not a dirty of master of douchery.

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  32. Millions of people read Twilight and all its shitty sequels. I still think it sucks. Popularity does not always indicate quality.

    I haven't read the reviewee's blog and now I don't want to. Anyone who would throw out stats like that is just not someone I'd be interested in learning more about.

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  33. I get like 90 hits a day.

    PWNED.

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  34. Here's some helpful advice:

    If you're retired, on a beautiful Caribbean island, and all you can think to blog about is the price of limes, just do yourself a favor and skip to the ending.

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  35. A million people a day could read it and it wouldn't change MY opinion.

    Which is what you asked for when asking for a review, and got.

    Boo hoo.

    Incidentally, getting 1000 hits a day when you post topless photographs of women, doesn't make you a good blogger, it makes you a lousy pornographer.

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  36. Gene is mean.

    I made a rhyme.

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  37. 1000 hits a day could mean that you are somehow linked to Billy Idol's fan site and they click over and spend exactly less than a second looking at your shit.

    I mean, not that I would know or anything.

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  38. The Meritocrat7/02/2009 4:48 PM

    I always like to read people's review of their review on their sites.

    But I guess we'll have to wait until he composes it on Sunday and then read it at 6.05 on Monday for that joy.

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  39. A thousand hits a day? Then why aren't there more comments? I bet he's linked into Alpha Inventions or something similar.

    Also, in the post about the drunk man--he takes the police to task for not helping the man, but doesn't mention if he took the time to help him. Nice guy.

    And one other thing--if that's the view from his home (the shot with the drunk guy), it looks more like he lives in a third world trailer park, not paradise.

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  40. I totally agree with Gene..I couldnt read more that 3 posts. Please tell me that life will get better when we retire. Reading his blog makes me want to work the rest of my life.

    Sarah, Gwen & DPH..is there room for one more :-)

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  41. I tried to read all of the comments, but admit I lost a lot focus after the 'dried cat poop' comment from Chris. I then lost it completely after Blues said, 'A sleepy groin is not helpful in this situation.'
    Oy vey.
    Also? Even though I love Blues and A Free Man immensly, I must say that I think I've got the best expat blog around. I mean, you don't think living in the Ozarks is something 'local' do you? Really?

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  42. I thought you said: " will never make interesting reading to dedicate a post to how you got some cheap lines."

    And I was all excited for a sec about a weird old man on an island purchasing cocaine.

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Grow a pair.