Beating the Meat Puppets

Hey. Haven't had enough of me yet? How the hell is that possible? But ... ah, fuck it.

While you're here, I have two questions for you.

• Do you enjoy watching people relentlessly beating the shit out of each other?


• Do you think that Jackass is really funny?

If you answered "yes" to both of these questions, then JohnnyKage.com might be right up your alley. If not, perhaps I could suggest other, more productive ways to spend your time. Like removing your own spleen with a rusty fishhook.

When I first started delving into this mess, it took me a good long time before I even knew what the fuck I was looking at, so to help you ADD afflicted types out, let me provide you with the About page that Johnny Kage never really bothers with. (Although this deeply buried "kinda-sorta" best of page might prove enlightening.)

Johnny Kage is the stage name of a real life Mixed Martial Arts (or, 'MMA' for short -- something I didn't figure out until I had read about a month's worth of material) fighter. A quick Google search will reveal to you his real name, so I feel fine telling you all that it is Frank Colcher, and that he's from Toronto. There are some YouTube videos of him, and from what I can see, I probably wouldn't try to steal his girlfriend or key his car, as he could probably fuck me up pretty good. Yeah, I know. Me. Scorpio Woperchild may have met my better in the physical arena. Go figure.

Depending on which Google search you believe, he's had a reasonably successful career. So, JohnnyKage.com is, apparently, a space where he and a few of his fellow MMA buds can promote themselves and rip on each other. There are around four or five contributors, and some are better than others, but they are all connected via their love for MMA. And belittling each other.

The resulting melange is sometimes entertaining, but usually, for me, it isn't. I don't honestly care to hear grown men and women trying to trade barbs by calling each other gay or by implying that one or another of them has aids. Truthfully, I felt like I was hanging out with a bunch of guys I don't know trade inside jokes for a couple of days.

Then there are the stories -- the fictionalized accounts of Johnny Kage's life which read a bit like The Wonder Years, if it had been Hunter S. Thompson who had created that show. And that sort of diarrhea may appeal to a few of you, but while reading it, my Give-A-Shitter snapped in two. (New parts are on order from Romania. I should have them in about ten days.)

I don't think I get it. I mean, am I the only one who sees irony in this little piece?

The fact is, in over a year, this site which started out with this gem of a prophecy -- "What is the website about? nobody involved is quite sure yet" -- has not really found a clear identity, unless it is just community building in the MMA world.

I might simply not be in the target demographic. So be it.

I am probably selling this thing short, but I get to call it like I see it. And what I see is a template that sucks to read (think first generation MySpace), too much fucking clutter, an archive designed to thwart anyone who might want to delve into it, poor grammar and spelling and punctuation, a lack of a clear-cut cohesive identity, and way too many videos that don't entertain me. This site is way too much trying to be cool, and not anywhere near enough actual cool for me. And putting this review together was a chore, not a pleasure.

As for a rating, AAYSR doesn't have one that genuinely applies. I don't entirely hate on this mess, so the Flaming Finger or Go Fuck Yourself is a bit too strong, and MEH isn't quite strong enough. Best I can do is give you a mash-up between the flaming finger, a turd, and the sentiment behind the MEH...

The result? I bring you, the Flaming Turd of Apathy!