Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Beating the Meat Puppets

Hey. Haven't had enough of me yet? How the hell is that possible? But ... ah, fuck it.

While you're here, I have two questions for you.


  • Do you enjoy watching people relentlessly beating the shit out of each other?

  • Do you think that Jackass is really funny?



If you answered "yes" to both of these questions, then JohnnyKage.com might be right up your alley. If not, perhaps I could suggest other, more productive ways to spend your time. Like removing your own spleen with a rusty fishhook.

When I first started delving into this mess, it took me a good long time before I even knew what the fuck I was looking at, so to help you ADD afflicted types out, let me provide you with the About page that Johnny Kage never really bothers with. (Although this deeply buried "kinda-sorta" best of page might prove enlightening.)

Johnny Kage is the stage name of a real life Mixed Martial Arts (or, 'MMA' for short -- something I didn't figure out until I had read about a month's worth of material) fighter. A quick Google search will reveal to you his real name, so I feel fine telling you all that it is Frank Colcher, and that he's from Toronto. There are some YouTube videos of him, and from what I can see, I probably wouldn't try to steal his girlfriend or key his car, as he could probably fuck me up pretty good. Yeah, I know. Me. Scorpio Woperchild may have met my better in the physical arena. Go figure.

Depending on which Google search you believe, he's had a reasonably successful career. So, JohnnyKage.com is, apparently, a space where he and a few of his fellow MMA buds can promote themselves and rip on each other. There are around four or five contributors, and some are better than others, but they are all connected via their love for MMA. And belittling each other.

The resulting melange is sometimes entertaining, but usually, for me, it isn't. I don't honestly care to hear grown men and women trying to trade barbs by calling each other gay or by implying that one or another of them has aids. Truthfully, I felt like I was hanging out with a bunch of guys I don't know trade inside jokes for a couple of days.

Then there are the stories -- the fictionalized accounts of Johnny Kage's life which read a bit like The Wonder Years, if it had been Hunter S. Thompson who had created that show. And that sort of diarrhea may appeal to a few of you, but while reading it, my Give-A-Shitter snapped in two. (New parts are on order from Romania. I should have them in about ten days.)

I don't think I get it. I mean, am I the only one who sees irony in this little piece?

The fact is, in over a year, this site which started out with this gem of a prophecy -- "What is the website about? nobody involved is quite sure yet" -- has not really found a clear identity, unless it is just community building in the MMA world.

I might simply not be in the target demographic. So be it.

I am probably selling this thing short, but I get to call it like I see it. And what I see is a template that sucks to read (think first generation MySpace), too much fucking clutter, an archive designed to thwart anyone who might want to delve into it, poor grammar and spelling and punctuation, a lack of a clear-cut cohesive identity, and way too many videos that don't entertain me. This site is way too much trying to be cool, and not anywhere near enough actual cool for me. And putting this review together was a chore, not a pleasure.

As for a rating, AAYSR doesn't have one that genuinely applies. I don't entirely hate on this mess, so the Flaming Finger or Go Fuck Yourself is a bit too strong, and MEH isn't quite strong enough. Best I can do is give you a mash-up between the flaming finger, a turd, and the sentiment behind the MEH...

The result? I bring you, the Flaming Turd of Apathy!

34 comments:

  1. Is it wrong that after that review, I want to have the Scorpio WoperLoveChild??

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  2. Oooooooooh Scorpio! That's quite the offer from Miss Missives. She only offers the ladies a quick dry hump on her tights. Even then? Only if they are not new.
    I agree...wonderful review. Not great enough for me to offer a love child or anything. But still wonderful.
    I actally like seeing people beat the shit out of each other and think Jackass is hilarious. But that's because they are both bottom of the barrel debauchery and completely lacking in giving a shit.
    I could not agree more with finding irony in the post calling another sport 'white trash' while, at the very same time, trading barbs about 'gay' or 'AIDS' which is nothing short of trash no matter what color said trasher may be.
    As much as I preach about human beings needing to embrace that we are multi-motivated, sometimes you better damn well live your truth or forever be hard to believe and completely unattractive to follow.

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  3. Indeed. That is quite the tantalizing offer, but I am afraid that it would only end in frustration and disappointment. For you -- not me, I assure you.

    Were I to have offspring, physicians have informed me that, owing to my formative growth occurring in the shadow of Chernobyl, my children will make the Elephant Man look like a runway model. Not sure that's a legacy I'd want to leave behind.

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  4. You're linking to Johnnycage.com, which is a parked page. Personally, I find the parked page more interesting than Johnnykage.com.

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  5. I actually like MMA, but clearly not enough to spend more than 45 seconds on this blog.

    You know what really annoyed me? That this guy can't even figure out how to properly post a youtube.

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  6. I don't want to have sex with scorpio, though. He's not dirty enough for me.

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  7. LB, I'm with you, because I am all up in MMA. I love it.

    I mean, have you seen Anderson Silva? His shit's like straight outta movies. Ridiculous.

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  8. But Scorpio, the big about guys you don't know trading inside jokes? That's fucking perfect. Exactly.

    I did like that Strikeforce post, but just because of this:

    "As both women stand in the cage waiting to fight, a female friend of mine asks 'who is going to beat Cyborg?' The answer is there are some men that may have a chance. I recommend she leave Strikeforce and challenge Urijah Faber."

    It's funny. I don't even know if it's meant to be funny, but I thought it was hysterical.

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  9. Well done Scorpio. Honestly, I wouldn't have known where to begin with that hot mess.

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  10. I originally thought this post was going to be about the meat puppets the band. They were awesome.

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  11. Or about Tango and Cash. "Come on, meat puppet, WHO PULLS YOUR STRINGS?"

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  12. Or maybe about Nirvana. Didn't they beat the Meat Puppets by covering all their songs but better?

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  13. Even though the only reason I know that is because on Nirvana Unplugged, Cobain goes, "This is a song by the meat puppets. All these song are off their second record."

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  14. I freaking love that album.

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  15. Agreed. I'm way more connected to that album than Johnny's blog.

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  16. Did anyone tell Johnny he's been reviewed? I tried to leave a post comment but it wouldn't let me.

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  17. I did not tell him.

    As for the Meat Puppets, the band, they're pretty good, but not good enough to entice me to buy any of their records/cds/cassettes/8-tracks/mp3s.

    The concept, though, I love.

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  18. I told him, but it looks like he uses comment moderation. So, perhaps he'll be inundated with notifications.

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  19. JohnnyKageDotCom did get your review in our mangled comments box.

    Congratulations on reading the whole thing, it sounded very painful for you. Just the fact that you read all we wrote proves that you really do your job well and we commend you for that.

    We loved your review so much that we will post it on our webpage...

    Of course we will spin it so that we come out looking awesome but that's just what we famous celebrities do.

    Don't worry you are safe to key my car and steal my girlfriend anytime you should want. You are a writer and that turns her on so you have an advantage there.

    Thanks again for the review and the great suggestions to make the site even better.

    Today... The Flaming Turd of Apathy... Tommorrow... The World.

    And the day after that... An Oscar.

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  20. An Oscar... For writing?

    Anyway, I don't understand MMA. Every time I flip channels and tune thru a match I see 2 men locked in a tight embrace rolling around in a cage. Not for me I guess.

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  21. There's definitely some story-telling talent in there, but it's just not my mug of beer. And the click "more" is too much work for my lazy ass. Still, if you're into MMA, I can see how this would be entertaining.

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  22. Mmmmm...no thanks. But thanks for asking.

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  23. Uh yeah... People get oscars for writing. And Acting, and all sorts of stuff.

    You don't think I meant for blogging I hope. I mean I'm pretty delusional but not that delusional.

    BTW Thanatos is a cool name, I used to use it pre-internet for all kinds of writing.

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  24. I love it when you say the word ass, HIF.

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  25. Yes, the Strikeforce post was intentionally funny. Thanks for the review. We are flattered and honored and disturbed. Oh and I hope you DIE a peaceful death when your time comes.

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  26. Just for you Fontaine...mmmmwahhhhh.

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  27. Thanks HIF. Do you happen to wear tights?
    As far as these apparently happily reviewed people...I am utterly bored by their comments. Utterly.

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  28. mongoliangirl2/18/2010 9:51 AM

    I wonder if a crow bar is MMA approved? Not that I really care if anyone approves of it. Just wondering how offended they will be when they see it.

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  29. Don't know about crowbars, but I bet they'd love some pumpkin muffins. Maybe they could fight in pumpkin muffin batter instead of jello? Is jello fighting in MMA?

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  30. mongoliangirl2/18/2010 11:54 PM

    If the MMA allows fighting with pumpkin muffins, I'm beginning training immediately.
    Oh nevermind. Honestly? I always get so fuckin' high on eating too many of those that I would only end up stumbling around in the ring like a drunken fool.
    Kind of the way I do with them here at home in my own front yard. Only nekked.

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  31. Rass: YOu need to come to Florida, drink your ass off, say funny shit, and watch mma with me.

    Re: the reviewee...

    I have to admit it that I like it better when the reviewees whine and twist and bleat and scowl. These people are way too well-mannered to have any cauliflower ears.

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  32. Love Bites, I am way too technical to have any cauliflower ears.

    Scorpio, your review of my review will be up on the greastest website of all time www.johnnykage.com in about a week.

    Plus we will review your website as well. It will take that long because we plan on reading all your content, not just the two previous months, and the first couple posts as you did for us.

    Interesting what can happen when you save a nerd from getting pushed into a locker back in high school. Free magic internet hackery for life.

    We'll let you know when it is up.

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  33. I'm confused. You're going to review MY site?

    What site is that?

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Grow a pair.