Instead of a blog review I got a wicked bad sunburn.

There was this plan, you see, to write a blog review for today. And then I started watching Band of Brothers again and then there was Labor Day and I went out on a boat and got drunk and burned, so now I am very pink and very tired and salty and in no shape to pretend I'm interested in reading anyone's blogs.

So, with all the recent hilarity, COMMENT OF THE WEEK(ish):

I peed myself laughing. And that is not hyperbole, I actually peed myself.
- Miss Missives on The Chewbacca Defense


That is a picture of you, right? It's not some wrestler or Aryan Brotherhood member or something whose picture you lifted so as to make yourself look bad ass?
- Lil on Jidhu What Jighotta Do


Dude, if gay marriage is ok then I am totally marrying my cat.
- Formerly Fun on What would people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus Freak?


You know his cat-penis is spiny and hurtful, right? Fucking cat-penises and their cat-penissy-catness.
- Rassles, who is one sick fuck, on What would people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus Freak?


I hope people have good vacations even when they've just, moments before, caused me to have a spontaneous and severe headache by discussing cat dick. Does that mean I'm gay?
- Mongolian Girl on What would people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus Freak?


I'm putting part of one of my own comments up for the Quote of the Week thingy.
Praise! "You should probably know I will retract my praise if it's really true that you do not approve of dicks in butt holes." Self-promotion! Praise!
- Mongolian Girl on What would people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus Freak?


When my husband slaps me on my right bum cheek, I do in fact, offer him the other.
- Formerly Fun on What would people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus Freak?


Aaaaaaaah! You commenters are so cute with your matching shirts and learning disabilities.
- Scorpio Woperchild on That's why her hair is so big: it's full of secrets

Any more suggestions?

- Shiner

Wandering? I'll Show You Wandering.

I fucking do not understand. Please, explain to me why this poor little girl would submit her blog here. It's not even fair.

It's just...everything is presented so basely, so numb and uncomplicated, and readers are given the impression that she finds these ideas and opinions freshly inspiring...I feel sorry for her. This little fucking goblin makes me feel sorry for her because she has a lame blog about stale observations coupled with the audacity to imply she wants to be a writer and does so without a speck of pretension, and I have to ask: is this blog a joke?

There is no way a trilingual woman with an advanced degree in software engineering could think that something like this served as radical expository when it reminds me of exchanges with my junior high pen pal from Senegal, who was assigned to me in Social Studies and all of our letters were graded essays on "what I learned in class" and "things about my country" and all that bullshit. No one in class really cared; we were a bunch of little racist American brats that wanted to see pictures of bone-necklaced tribespeople riding giant hyenas or ripping roasted zebra meat from the bone. Then one time, between letters, while we were waiting for a picture of school life in Dakar, fucking Nancy Baumgarten asked our teacher if they had cameras in Africa. That, my friends, taught me two significant life-changing lies: I hate blazing ignorance and I am better than other people because of it.

This blog reminds me of that unwarranted superiority. Every word she writes elicits this reaction:

1. I judge her simplicity and unfairly blame it on Mauritania.
2. I remember that she is from Mauritius, not Mauritania, and they are two very different countries.
   
3. I am comforted by my lofty acceptance of our cultural differences.
4. I imagine people judging her for cultural differences.
5. I realize am better than other people. Because of the lofty acceptance.
6. I realize that acceptance is not the same thing as caring.
7. I feel guilty for my lack of emotional connection with the blog, even when she opens up.
8. I get angry, because that shit's not my fault. It's the fault of the wandering mind (change the title, it's horribly misleading) that never really wanders much farther than the tip of her own fingers.
9. I am such a fucking self-important douchebag for reacting this way.
   

So I feel superior to her as well as all of those hypothetical bullies that I created in my brain, and then I feel like a dick. Basically this blog made me think about me and not at all about the blogger.

Is that still the sign of a good blog? No. No it's not, I've decided.

She made me analyze myself being such a fucking simpleton that I wanted to just give her a piece of my brain to help with mental indigestion. HOW DOES THIS MAKE YOU FEEL? DO YOU FEEL ANYTHING? DO I FEEL ANYTHING? How can we relate as human beings when there are all these insipid fences everywhere that aren't even fun to climb over?








This is extremely frustrating. I hate you because you make me hate myself. And to the readers: I'm sorry you had to sit through this review.

List of pending mastication

It has been pissing rain for three fucking months where I live and it's beginning to put me in the sourest of moods. I think I'm in need of some comfort food.

Nothing cheers me up like the smell of slow roasted and then flash fried blogger served on a skewer.


For your dining pleasure, this week's menu includes:

Just Making Convo...

What's a Blog

Grumpy Granny

Late for the sky


Someone hand me a bib, cause this could get messy.

Beating the Meat Puppets

Hey. Haven't had enough of me yet? How the hell is that possible? But ... ah, fuck it.

While you're here, I have two questions for you.

• Do you enjoy watching people relentlessly beating the shit out of each other?


• Do you think that Jackass is really funny?

If you answered "yes" to both of these questions, then JohnnyKage.com might be right up your alley. If not, perhaps I could suggest other, more productive ways to spend your time. Like removing your own spleen with a rusty fishhook.

When I first started delving into this mess, it took me a good long time before I even knew what the fuck I was looking at, so to help you ADD afflicted types out, let me provide you with the About page that Johnny Kage never really bothers with. (Although this deeply buried "kinda-sorta" best of page might prove enlightening.)

Johnny Kage is the stage name of a real life Mixed Martial Arts (or, 'MMA' for short -- something I didn't figure out until I had read about a month's worth of material) fighter. A quick Google search will reveal to you his real name, so I feel fine telling you all that it is Frank Colcher, and that he's from Toronto. There are some YouTube videos of him, and from what I can see, I probably wouldn't try to steal his girlfriend or key his car, as he could probably fuck me up pretty good. Yeah, I know. Me. Scorpio Woperchild may have met my better in the physical arena. Go figure.

Depending on which Google search you believe, he's had a reasonably successful career. So, JohnnyKage.com is, apparently, a space where he and a few of his fellow MMA buds can promote themselves and rip on each other. There are around four or five contributors, and some are better than others, but they are all connected via their love for MMA. And belittling each other.

The resulting melange is sometimes entertaining, but usually, for me, it isn't. I don't honestly care to hear grown men and women trying to trade barbs by calling each other gay or by implying that one or another of them has aids. Truthfully, I felt like I was hanging out with a bunch of guys I don't know trade inside jokes for a couple of days.

Then there are the stories -- the fictionalized accounts of Johnny Kage's life which read a bit like The Wonder Years, if it had been Hunter S. Thompson who had created that show. And that sort of diarrhea may appeal to a few of you, but while reading it, my Give-A-Shitter snapped in two. (New parts are on order from Romania. I should have them in about ten days.)

I don't think I get it. I mean, am I the only one who sees irony in this little piece?

The fact is, in over a year, this site which started out with this gem of a prophecy -- "What is the website about? nobody involved is quite sure yet" -- has not really found a clear identity, unless it is just community building in the MMA world.

I might simply not be in the target demographic. So be it.

I am probably selling this thing short, but I get to call it like I see it. And what I see is a template that sucks to read (think first generation MySpace), too much fucking clutter, an archive designed to thwart anyone who might want to delve into it, poor grammar and spelling and punctuation, a lack of a clear-cut cohesive identity, and way too many videos that don't entertain me. This site is way too much trying to be cool, and not anywhere near enough actual cool for me. And putting this review together was a chore, not a pleasure.

As for a rating, AAYSR doesn't have one that genuinely applies. I don't entirely hate on this mess, so the Flaming Finger or Go Fuck Yourself is a bit too strong, and MEH isn't quite strong enough. Best I can do is give you a mash-up between the flaming finger, a turd, and the sentiment behind the MEH...

The result? I bring you, the Flaming Turd of Apathy!

This Week's Gimp Orgy

Happy Monday, Askers.

In line with the former tradition of listing the blogs up for review, here is this week's list of pain-lovers:

OMFG Sex "...where I have better sex than anyone else and brag about my orgasmic abilities." Just based on her description she needs a spanking.

Destructive Apathy "Topics include my abysmal dating life, media/technology/society observations, and strange things that happen to me on the road."

Frog Ponds Rock "My blog is where I dump all the words that are in my head." Oh joy, just what the blogosphere needs, another thought dumpster.

Nutcase 101 "It's about my thoughts, life, emotions and all the shit that rattles around in my brain." Your sanity is questionable for having submitted your blog for review.

Any predictions from the peanut gallery?