Comments Shmoments

And now, for shits, let's travel back to zingy comments and pick out the good ones.




From Things that go slurp in the night:

Blues said...

Oh, LB, you've still got in in you.

Love Bites said...

Really? I thought I took it out this morning. It was starting to smell.

From This is not your review...

Love Bites said...

The comments here have always been a splooge-covered nard-rending free-for-all.

Zen Mama said...

Why can't we edit when we experience premature commentation?

From Naked Eye

Love Bites said...

Seriously. Potential and a donkey dick will get you $3 in Mexico.

Shinerpunch said...

I will kickstart your taint so hard Harleys across the country will grumble to life.

Mongolian Girl said...

I'm so sorry I make your head hurt. I give you my most sincere apologies and am hopeful you will accept in good faith that I was indeed aiming for your taint.

From One Lump or Two?

Rassles said...

Like Point/Counterpoint?

"Shiner, you magnificently ignorant slut. The fact that you are willing to give even a teensy biddy little star to this pile of crack needles gives evidence to what I have suspected all along: your head is full of dogshit and cracker crumbs, and you bathe by licking your own anus. No offense to Johnny."

"Scorpio, you shady sharpee-headed virgin, I'm appalled that the words you chose to express your misogynistic regard for this woman's blog came from the same mouth you eat your mother with."

Feel free to add your own submissions.

Also, if anyone out there who has already been reviewed would like to write a review, email me. Regular reviewers are getting scarce. People have busy lives, and they take this seriously. Kind of.

Instead of a blog review I got a wicked bad sunburn.

There was this plan, you see, to write a blog review for today. And then I started watching Band of Brothers again and then there was Labor Day and I went out on a boat and got drunk and burned, so now I am very pink and very tired and salty and in no shape to pretend I'm interested in reading anyone's blogs.

So, with all the recent hilarity, COMMENT OF THE WEEK(ish):

I peed myself laughing. And that is not hyperbole, I actually peed myself.
- Miss Missives on The Chewbacca Defense


That is a picture of you, right? It's not some wrestler or Aryan Brotherhood member or something whose picture you lifted so as to make yourself look bad ass?
- Lil on Jidhu What Jighotta Do


Dude, if gay marriage is ok then I am totally marrying my cat.
- Formerly Fun on What would people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus Freak?


You know his cat-penis is spiny and hurtful, right? Fucking cat-penises and their cat-penissy-catness.
- Rassles, who is one sick fuck, on What would people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus Freak?


I hope people have good vacations even when they've just, moments before, caused me to have a spontaneous and severe headache by discussing cat dick. Does that mean I'm gay?
- Mongolian Girl on What would people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus Freak?


I'm putting part of one of my own comments up for the Quote of the Week thingy.
Praise! "You should probably know I will retract my praise if it's really true that you do not approve of dicks in butt holes." Self-promotion! Praise!
- Mongolian Girl on What would people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus Freak?


When my husband slaps me on my right bum cheek, I do in fact, offer him the other.
- Formerly Fun on What would people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus Freak?


Aaaaaaaah! You commenters are so cute with your matching shirts and learning disabilities.
- Scorpio Woperchild on That's why her hair is so big: it's full of secrets

Any more suggestions?

- Shiner

Comment of the Week

We haven't done this in a while (by "we", I actually am talking about my own lazy ass here). I keep underestimating how simultaneously slothful and busy I am over the weekends, and I never seem to get around to it. However, we can definitely play this week, because it's Monday. And, I'm insufficiently caffeinated for my current work project. And, my weekend sloth is creeping into my workweek.

Also, I spent the week in Rochester and am just now really starting to plow through the comments and reviews.

Here are a few of my favorite tidbits:

The Mutha Effa - "Your header is uglier than the backside of a hairless dog."

Not-So-Nice Calamity - "...this time, I think the Flying Spaghetti Monster had something to do with it. Because my hapless little reviewee got me -- a pro-choice agnostic with pagan tendencies who is a queer friendly, pro-gay marriage, anti-religious establishment, foul-mouthed sex fiend feminist liberal elitist."

Ghost of Keywork (resident perv) - "I just became a member of the Church of the Volcano Taco. Tastes way better than Jesus."

Formerly Fun - "I tell people to turn the other cheek all the time, and then I wax that shit off."

Rassles - "Jesus was also the first loan shark, the inventor of the smoking jacket, and the originator of the phrase, 'oh, girlfriend.' Because he was omnisexual."

Mr. Lady - "because really, Jesus makes my hoo-haa burn."

That's my picks. This review was really fruitful for creative comments, so if you haven't already, go read it. There's plenty of sex and heresy, as per the norm here.

And, in the inadvertently funny column:

SSjSid said…
Jesus freaking christ! All the other three were reviewed with clockwork precision timing! Has anyone decided to make a special project out of mine?

Now we have. By "we" here, I mean me.

Comment of the [Last Two] Week[s]

Gimmie some sugar:

And to the person who suggested I was seeking validation, you are sorely mistaken.
-Glamourpuss

It is a boring blog, but she uses her semicolons well. And she bends over to let us see her colon, so whatever.
-Calamity

You're not the boss of me, so eat a bag of dicks.
-Bitter Mistress

I've seen hieroglyphics carved into the flesh of a rat that were more readable than this.
-Nutjobber

I am now mentally scarred, possibly permanently impaired, from reading the comments above. Some of you people scare me.
-Matt Shafer

[whispers] Baby Jesus thinks you're all fuckers
-Father Gene

-Calamity is so nice that you can lick her words right off the screen and they taste like bubblegum.
-Love Bites

Here's a bandage and some literal gauze, you bleeding axe wound.
-Keywork

Canada is like Narnia, right?
-Xbox

It’s always so difficult to decide [on Comment of the Week] because I have never experienced a more talented group of complete assholes in my entire life.
-Angel

Also, in the "In Case You Missed It" file, here are the Best Exchanges of the Week, the winners of which will be sent a picture of Ol’ Nutjobber boxing a dog to a draw:

Keywork: Also, do me a fave, replace your favorite grooming product with a hornets nest.
Saskboy: How about we settle on a beehive haircut for me, and ANY grooming product for you?
Keywork: Whatever you say, Sparky. As long as you promise to keep bees in it.

Sinead: I am a bit bummed she changed the layout before I got to see what colour squirrel vomit is.
Father Gene: Sinead, it's doesn't need to be a squirrel necessarily, just force feed any small creature fruits of the forest then slit it's belly.
Sinead: Uh Father, you know I am vegetarian right?
Father Gene: Well, in my defence, I just said to split the creature open, not to eat it.

Betsey Booms: You are probably self centered and suck hard at life.
Calamity: I suck hard at life, and life likes it. It's because of that little swirly thing I do with my tongue.
Keywork: Life comes on you prematurely I would imagine.

A Microcosm of Life Here At Ask

So vote, you bastards!

There's nothing gay about cocks and caramel sauce... is there?
-Driz

I saw the incoming link from you on my site, and I almost threw up in my mouth.
-Mr. Lady

May I mambo dogface to the banana patch?
-Calamity

well it wasn't totally horrible for you Allie...you cock loving slut.
-Dirty Pirate Hooker

Natalie is too nice to be mean to. I'm bored.
-Formerly Fun

I Love Being a Filthy Mongrel

Are these choices for "Comment of the Week" not evidence enough?

Oh, he gives a shit. A hot runny one.
-Doc

I have no objections to discussions of a colourful nature, so long as you don't object to being taken up the vestry.
-Father Gene

It's just like American Idol...with fucking.
-Nutjobber

Goddamn typos. Ah well. The keyboard is covered in ice cream; I can't see what I'm typing anyways.

*shrug*
-Driz

Know what else is free? Hatred.
-Keywork

I think, however, that this is the clear winner:

I clicked on the blog before I read the review because I didn't want to be influenced by the genius that is Nutjobber.
-Angel

Flattery will get you everywhere...and by "everywhere", I mean "onto the Comment of the Week board".

I Love You Filthy Mongrels

In lieu of an actual blog to review, because the fuck who submitted their traffic-whoring bullshit for ol’ Nutjobber to review today isn’t getting even an inkling of linkage, we’re going to fire up the "Quote of the Week"-machine and churn out some serious quotitiousness.

If you happen to be one of those rebellious-types, take a look here to pick your own quote; the comments-section contains an epic strain of mean-spirited, highly-imaginative invective in response to a terrifically-unfunny blog, and I, personally, couldn’t be prouder to house such magnificence here on Ask. It’s perfectly revolting.

On to the quotes:

What a disgusting place my blog tracking service has brought me to this morning.

Your classless "review" of my blog has no value or worth as far as I am concerned.
-Rambler

Would she be willing to spit on my wife?
-Xbox4NappyRash

Cats tripping toddlers are funny.
-Bitter Mistress

I'd rather lick rat anus than listen to Dane Cook.
-Calamity

I must tell you, if you plan on acquiring your own vagina, you would be wise not to douche. I've been informed that douching is no longer considered a healthy decision. Apparently, whatever finds it's way in must independently find it's way out. Or something like that. Again, I don't have a vagina, so my I-play-an-expert-in-your-mom's-room opinion is likely less than valid.
-Keywork

I once died horrifically in a fiery car crash, and it was funnier than this blog.
-Love Bites

This blog should be smeared with mayonnaise & urinated upon.
-Nutjobber

This blog is like getting fistfucked in the ear.
with a 2 x 4.
on Thanksgiving.
gah, I fucked that up. How does one get fistfucked with a two-by-four?

This blog would write that.
-Rassles

Stay away from our blog, and you'll live a anally rapped, douche bagging piece of shit free life.
-SOGE Shirts

You are all wordy fucks

You know the drill, right? Here are my picks:

I also had to look up the word palimpsest, thinking at first it had to do with male organ flaccidity. - Mutha

Please, don't ever come back to my site nor read another word. -Matthew S. Urdan

Maybe we could change the name of the site to "Unrequested, Vitriolic Blog-Review".
Or, "I Know You Didn't Ask For This, But Now You've Got It, So Deal With It In Whatever Way You See Fit".
Or, "We've Just Secretly Reviewed Your Blog Because We're Dicks".
Or, "I Spilled A Bunch of Hate On Myself and I'd Like To Give You a Hug". -Nutjobber

Heaping moist vitriol onto someone else is one of the more satisfying things I do during the course of a day... -nutjobber

I'd like to recant on my own review, and remind you all that I did not ask for it. -Drizitche

So, who are you? Are you some sort of professional blog reviewer? Do you have credentials? I'm not getting it. -Ashlee

Find your own verbal treasure and post it here. These are just mine. Hope your week was as orgasmic as mine.

Also, this was my least favorite quote of the week:

Kissing children grow up to be fucking adults. - Keywork

Umm, yeah, Key, as the mother of a 14-year-old, I don't find this thought particularly comforting. I would like to direct your attention to the label. I don't know what it means, but I found it in our archives. It seemed to fit.

Comment of the Week - vote for your favorite

Pick your favorite or add one in the comments.

Rassles: Still, you are very depressing. Go beat yourself with an orange, jack off to Bertolt Brecht, and take your Sturm and Drang somewhere other than my blog if you hate it that much.

Drizitche: Now go get some sleep before you break that mouse clicking all through the night.

Calamity: Mom, is that you?

Professor Booty: I fucking like you, Erika, what do you want, a blow job?

XBox4NappyRash: Those book lists are like people advertising they've got STDs, people will ask when they want to know.

Keywork: Fuck it, kill your roommate and write about it. That's a post I would like to see in the future on your blog. Don't make the reader dig for it, I could have done without the filler that exists between death threats.

Ask: Now, with even MORE smartassery

Calamity and I decided, without consulting the penises (you know da womens be runnin thangs in heyah), to add a new feature. Without further ado, or adieu, here it is.

We are going to start running a weekly thread on Saturday/Sunday called "comment of the week." Win eternal glory and the sloppy worship of your peers with your enthralling wit. You know you want the adulation--ffs--you're bloggers, aren't you?

Here are my choices:

Angel:
Anonymous comments piss me off. Total fuckwits. Why be a smartass or climb onto your high horse if you aren't going to take credit for it? I don't understand the waste of energy.

Calamity:
He had me at "never miss a squirt."

Drizitche:
Self-deprecating? My balls. Please, you're woefully underqualified - let me deprecate you instead.

XBox4NappyRash:
Considering I have actually seen a real live vagina today, (ok it was the same one I've been looking at for over ten years AND it was in stirrups) this has made my f*&^ing day.

There are others, just as good, because our readers are the most schralpin', the most spank bankiest, the most freakflaggiest, the most smacktastic on the planet. So, submit and/or vote for your faves from this week on this thread.

The winner and a link to their blog will be posted on that black block above.