Friday, September 10, 2010

Naked Eye

Heads-up : Today's website is NOT WORK SAFE. Don't sue me if you little perverts get into trouble.

Humans are characterized by an unending quest for betterment, a passion for innovation, hunger for progress - all to get their porn faster. Sure Edison was the "Wizard" of Menlo Park, but he was also keen on delivering the nasties in moving form. Dial-up, broadband, fiber optic - the internet has come a long way to deliver kinks no one knew existed. Hell, rule 34 has porn for my kind covered, too.

So when I visited today's reviewee, I was presented with gallery upon gallery of female primates exposing their privates. Still pictures of not-at-all attractive ladies? What is this, the 90s? I truly am appalled, and that's not just because the blog is called "Hate and Anger". We get all kinds of blogs to review, but this is new. Since when were we in the business of critiquing pornography? It doesn't even look like the blogger takes these pictures, so it's not like I'm expected to appreciate "art" in pictures of annoying TV hosts.

Skipping right past the fugly template, and the annoying sidebar, I followed up on the tabs. Peter Parkour is a 39 year old trucker(!) who idolizes a certain red suited wall crawler. Although a tad on the verbose side, his profile page was the most complete I've seen in a reviewee, and it gave me some hope for my assignment. A Me 101 tab (guess your profile wasn't enough?) carries more info. than I care about, but got me interested in a series about his niece who was shot. Following up on the story, I found myself listening to Peter, an adult with stories, a trucker with intelligent thoughts.

Digging deeper, if you can stay on his blog long enough to skip past the silly thumbnails you'll find a an ex-con with a plan B, a 39 year old who's back in college. Just that one post told me more about you than other tab or silly list did, Peter. Sure you're sharing space with teenagers, love geek shows and Olivia Munn, but why behave like a horny undergrad? The best part about youth is that it's a one time affair. Your blog is "Hate and Anger". What hate and where's the anger? Just this one tiny piece?

You depend very heavily on the "I am" meme you've picked up from somewhere. I don't like the length of the posts, and hate the idea of formulaic writing, but you come across as guy I'd drink a beer or 27 with. It's not like you're short of things to say. You turned vegan 6 months ago, and as much as that thought repulses me, you clearly have material to work with. Cut out the graphs and blunt facts, talk about how your life is different. Get creative with words and sentences. I'd much rather have you say "I wake up ready to assfuck 14 virgins" than "I don’t wake up feeling swollen and sluggish".

Thing is Peter, you may not have a double masters from Cornell, but you have been on the road. You've been breathing for 39 years. You have thoughts and moments. Some good, some silly. You repeat yourself, but yours is a tale I'd read. You've been very active with your posts, but I found only a handful of writing in the 25 pages I looked at.

I started with the review annoyed at what I saw, and I'm wrapping up pissed off at what I read. Space trucker, here's the deal

1) STOP POSTING PORN. END IT. DELETE IT ALL. STOP.
2) Just stop it.
3) Start over. Get a fresh blog.
4) Use a clean template, no sidebars, no cock sucking assholes.
5) WRITE man, WRITE.
6) Stop using the "I am" meme as a crutch. Use all the material you have for free flowing verse.
7) Work on the length of your posts and your story telling style. Save some for the next post or two.

I would have given this review a one line "FUCK OFF AND DIE" and 10 flaming claws of doom, but I'll restrict myself to just 2.









If I've been a bit harsh, it's only so that you do something better with your hate and anger. For having something to show for years of "blogging", and showing potential, 1 star.




PS : Look, my people!

54 comments:

  1. Seriously. Potential and a donkey dick will get you $3 in Mexico.

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  2. Hmmm. I always thought it was the other way around.

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  3. I can't fucking stand that template, by the way. It makes me want to throw glass shards on Not-Spidey.

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  4. Donkey dick, potential, $3.

    Potential, donkey dick, $3.

    Now I'm all cornfused.

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  5. But Shiner, throwing glass shards does not seem to be up to your greatest potential.

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  6. I'm pretty sure I have the potential to knock his ass out with a whisper of force.

    More importantly, Olivia Munn is a fucking talentless cockswallow who uses words that she does not understand. Stupid cow.

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  7. Shiner: If you're going to potentially end up making sense, it is a potentially better idea that you potentially tell how you actually potentially feel about Olivia Nunn.

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  8. Olivia Munn is an ugly talentless bitch.

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  9. I just get mad that she's all "I'm a nerd, fuckers!" No, you're not. You're just good at posing for circle jerks. Drives me fucking nuts.

    You know who I like that gets all hate? Megan Fox. I just plain like her. Always have.

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  10. Hysterical!
    I read JR's comment as,
    "Olivia Nunn is an ugly TAINTLESS bitch.
    Can I just tell you how disturbing it was to consider a woman not having a taint? I mean, what's missing? Puss? Bung hole? What?
    It is seriously important to have both if one is going to be able discuss one's taint.
    "Taint pussy, taint ass."

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  11. Oh, and who is Megan Fox? Someone please say something that will allow me present another comment about taint.

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  12. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat was I thinking? I need no help when it comes to working the word taint into a comment.
    See?

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  13. Pumpkin muffin? Anyone?
    (Baked by hands that have been washed since last touching taint!)

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  14. All I know is, it's pumpkin season and I gots me some muffins on the brizzain.

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  15. "Sure Edison was the 'Wizard' of Menlo Park, but he was also keen on delivering the nasties in moving form."

    I am big fan of everything in that sentence.

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  16. Rass: I'm going to be in Chi-car-go in November. I should bring some pumpkin muffins just for you.

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  17. Taint-free pumpkin muffins at your service!

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  18. What, no one likes Dino-car porn?

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  19. Only if there is taint and/or pumpkin muffins involved. Or a crow bar.

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  20. "Man, the only thing hotter than driving that car would be if a dragon were fucking its tailpipe."

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  21. Or the sound of brain cells frying as a woman realizes she has either no puss or no bung hole and, therefore, can have no taint.

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  22. So ANYWAY.

    I used to read 'Hate and Anger' when there was more writing, less porn. Mr PP was nice to me when I was a grumpling blogger. But now I can't go over there because I have to look at that template.

    Taint no wonder that it makes Shiner wanna smash things.

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  23. I thought only men had taints. I'm pretty sure I have a vagina where the taint is supposed to be.

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  24. Was it: "Potential and $3 will get you donkey dick in Mexico?"

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  25. LB: I never thought of a guy having a taint. How would it be said?
    "Taint balls, taint ass."
    Aaaaaaaand there we have it!
    Indeed ultimate goal with $3 and potential in Mexico would be donkey dick. I don't know why, but there's just some kind of natural flow to the whole thing. Thanks for clearing that up.

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  26. Also? I would like someone to clear up why the FUCK I put all of that shit on my calendar for tomorrow. Seriously. FUCK.

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  27. Can I just get back to this...

    "I'm pretty sure I have a vagina where a taint is supposed to be."

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  28. Mongo, I know you're coming to Chicago soon. Bring me some of those taint free pumpkin muffins please. I'll gladly make the drive down to see you. I'll even bring all my potential along with $3 and we'll see what we can get in Chicago.

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  29. Love the template.
    Hate the potential.

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  30. Have you ever tried to comment after drinking 1.33 bottles of red wine? it's harder than you'd think.

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  31. Thank you, Senior Raptor, not too harsh at all. I would have been foolish to have expected the over sized boxing gloves when I know damn good and well that you guys are straight up MMA style around here. I just wanted an over all opinion of my place. I figured there would be some flaming fingers of death in there, but I was totally blindsided by the smiley star. Very heartwarming and inspiring. There must be hope for me yet.

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  32. Well, you weren't too harsh on me, but on the ladies, that's another story. Referring to them as unattractive primates smells a bit of racism. I'm going to assume that wasn't your intent, but even so, please remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I find them quite attractive; that's why I posted the pics, duh. Not every nude model can live up to your high standards of muscle-car mounting dragons. If and when that day comes, I promise to quit posting such pics.

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  33. You don't seem to be a big fan of Olivia Munn either. I respectfully have to disagree with you again here. I don't think she's the most beautiful woman in the world, but I love her none the less. I think it's her personality more than anything. If it weren't for her (and Ninja Warrior) I probably wouldn't even watch G4. Long live the Munns!

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  34. I'm not really sure what you have against the template other than the semi-nude green chick in the background. I think it's one of the most kick-ass templates WordPress has to offer, not that that's saying much. I guess if you don't like sidebars you don't like sidebars, but I still don't really understand why. Why, Mr. Raptor, why?

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  35. Where's the hate and anger? I addressed that way back in the beginning of my blog. It's inside me, just below the surface, always trying to get out. When trying to come up with a blog title that's all that kept coming to mind. It's something I've been dealing with for most of my life, but I don't really find it a pleasing topic to write about, but hey, thanks for asking.

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  36. I've only used the “I Am” meme three times so far, but you're right. I shouldn't depend on it. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it's warn on me already. If you scanned through the last installment I left a lot of it blank. I'll agree with you on the length of some posts too. Way too long; couldn't agree more. I'm working on my writing technique; I hope to have some better posts in the near future, but no promises.

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  37. As for the graphs and blunt facts in my “Weights & Dates” posts, there's no way I would give up my graphs. They're there for me more than anything. I won't be giving them up, sorry. The blunt facts on the other hand; those were just thrown out there in place of an actual written post. I was short on time and behind on getting that posted and it was in dire need of filler. I'll try to do better in the future. Either that or I'll start informing everyone of my shitting habits. How cool would that be?

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  38. As for the repeating myself, I'm guessing you were referring to my prison guard mentions. Those two posts were over two years apart. Had they been one year apart would you have accused me of stuttering? Give a guy a break, would ya? Still, not too harsh. You were pretty accurate on most points. A little less shooting from the hip would improve your accuracy. I'm just saying.

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  39. You also suggested shutting this blog down and starting from scratch. That has crossed my mind, but I was actually considering focusing more on the porn. You mean to tell me you think that's a bad idea? Don't tell me, I don't really wanna know. Not if it's gonna consist of crazy comments about ugly monkeys and sexually confused mythical reptiles. Whatever I end up doing I'll be sure to run it by you, but please, no more dragons. I said please.

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  40. Wow, your comments section is becoming quite the spectacle. Not very on topic. Well, not the topic of my blog anyway. Mongo Girl makes my head hurt. You guys really shouldn't encourage her. Just a suggestion. Do what you will.

    Thanks for the review. I really do greatly appreciate it. I don't fully understand it, but it is appreciated. Thanks again.

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  41. PoohPooh: I'm so sorry I make your head hurt. I give you my most sincere apologies and am hopeful you will accept in good faith that I was indeed aiming for your taint.

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  42. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  43. LB: No, but I once tried to walk after dropping two hits of acid and drinking a fifth of Jim Beam and ended up breaking my nose for the third fuckin' time.

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  44. ZM: WTF? Seriously? You're on! We'll email and figure it out.

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  45. I love how Peter thinks of comments as paragraphs breaks.

    That template is fucking horrendous. It may be one of the worst I've seen ever.

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  46. Blues: Go easy on PoohPooh, I feel positive he is unable to do much about his "header" right now due to the pain he claims I've caused it. Also? I wouldn't plan on any improvements in the near future due to him being busy coming up with ways to prevent me from kicking him in the taint. Poor lil' guy.

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  47. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, you need an eye exam.

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  48. I'm astounded that Peter P would have wanted any commentary from the talentless hacks around here.

    Hey Mongo Girl; you've proved that a galloping dose of syphilis kills the mind. You should have had that pox seen to earlier.

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  49. AJ: Astound away, 'cause apparently he did.
    Pumpkin muffin? Kick in the taint?

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  50. I will kickstart your taint so hard Harleys across the country will grumble to life.

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  51. Shiner: Oh thanks! Now I'm laughing so hard that I'm probably going to get accused of having the monkey pox again or something. Jeezuhcrist! You know how sensitive I am about being disliked by anyone.

    Pumpkin muffin?

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Grow a pair.