Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Things that go slurp in the night

I just returned to my habitation on the redneck riviera after watching a sum total of 11 hours of NASCAR racing in Atlanta this weekend. If you think that Ask is a cultural panoply of bloggers from around the world, you should try out some NASCAR. That's a cultural display that will make you sumbitches sit up and take notice. The intrinsic humor of NASCAR and its fans never ends.

Today's blog is also a cultural experience, it's written by Essie from South Africa. It is a cultural panoply of a few of my favorite things: online dating, zombies, prom, and that's just on the first page.

I suppose that one might classify this as a humor blog, and be somewhat accurate. The humor is hit/miss, but more hit than miss. Sometimes, though, there is hit/miss within the same post. Zombies are awesome, they don't need an intro. The dating walkers part is just extraneous, and should be excised like dead flesh.

I like Essie, I like her blog. Probably not enough to read it daily, because I don't read ANY blogs daily these days. However, I don't want to set Essie on fire, so that's a good sign.

So, here are a few brief pointers that would improve my Loch Ess Monster experience.

1. Clean your sidebar. Gadgets are unnecessary, get rid of them.

2. Who is Essie? Your reader wants and deserves more than you've given us. Some background, even if you want to keep us at a slight distance, is required. Who are you, where do you live, what are you doing here, and why?

3. If you plan to have a cast of characters, they need an introduction so we can keep them straight in our heads. Otherwise, the stories fall flat and are just a muddle. So, who, for instance, is DW, and why do I care that she took a priest to prom?

4. You live in South Africa, that has to be interesting, so you might want to spend a sentence or a paragraph on how you got there, and why. After all, you can't always post about online dating and zombies.

5. Exercise some discretion. Your longer posts would be more punchy if they were also more concise. Set some outer boundaries on how much you will include. This has potential, but is too much. Be more scrupulous about what you post. If it's a near miss, don't post it. Let it age in your drafts like the rotting flesh in your refrigerator for a few weeks while you consider if you really want to expose it to the world.

Just remember, with humor: less is more. The quality posts are there, but they can easily get lost in the dreck.

I give you 1 star, and no flaming zombie fingers, with the possibility for more if the blog improves.


  1. Oh, LB, you've still got in in you.

  2. Really? I thought I took it out this morning. It was starting to smell.

  3. Good to have you back, if only on loan, LB. Good review.

  4. Why do all Americans think living in a non-first world country must be "interesting"? Or any country that isn't America, for that matter? Human life is pretty much the same everywhere.

  5. Be fair, Anon, not just Americans. Australians think it too.

    And there is nothing wrong with thinking it would be 'interesting'. Interesting is good. It fascinates, piques the curiosity. Makes us want to learn more.

    But fine. Have it your way. Human life is the same everywhere. It isn't interesting at ALL that my family in Tanzania carry guns around, have monkeys in the backyard, go to school from 7am-12pm, have workers that iron their underwear and drink milk straight out of the goat. Who wants to know about that boring old shit because they have the same jobs and emotions and stuff like you know, everybody else. Human life. Go figure.

  6. LB - your celebrity status seems to have caused the peanut gallery to pay homage to you instead of actually reading the blog you reviewed.

    I love Essie. I adore her but that's because I've read her blog damn near from the beginning. I was intrigued by her spontaneous insanity combined with wit and intelligence beyond her years. And I was the one who insisted she submit her blog for review here.

    Granted, I made it my mission to find out more about her. I emailed her and asked questions as part of my project to understand what women like me, intelligent women who lead from their heart, are doing these days. She is 20 years my junior. I'm coming up on a 30 year high school reunion - she on her 10. There is a dichotomy there that taunts me.

    She reminds me of a young Mongo. She's seen a lot in her years. A religious cult, two divorces, waking up one day as a young girl to find everything she was taught to believe in was suddenly unacceptable, i.e., apartheid.

    How many of us can tell THOSE kind of stories. Yet, she doesn't tell them and that's what LB has so keenly observed in her review. Something is missing.

    I've watched her blog devolve into a pandering to the masses of young girls who delight in trivialities. They revel in her ability to take minutia and make it funny. Within a few weeks, she had more followers than I could imagine; yet her writing is not anywhere remotely close to her potential.

    She is hiding and I can only guess, it is out of fear. She is not ready to embrace her true power, but I still fucking love her (my own AAYSR rating). Let it flow Estelle, let it out now before you end up trying to sort this shit out in your late forties. Start a new blog where you can stop being goofy and random and tell us about this life of yours as only you can do. The world deserves that because you have been gifted with the talent and gutted with the experiences.

    Keep Loch Ess Monster for your fans and for the easy laughs but start a new blog for humanity, heartache and healing. Do it now, please.

  7. Oh, and I should add a praise here.

    Praise because I'm gettin' all up in it now.

    Praise Love Bites.

    Praise Essie.

    Praise Grumpy, though I'm certain folks in the good ol' USA iron their underwear and drink milk straight from the goat as well.

  8. Fuck you anon, I agree to a small extent, but every place hads its own feel and energy to it. BRGIN THAT SHIT OUT. Saying you live in south africa doesn't mean we believe you. I could live in fucking antarctica, but if I can't show readers what its like there my location is fucking irrelevant.

  9. Also: FUCK YEAH LB

    And: DRUNK

  10. Zen Mama, you are a wonderfully eloquent writer but everything you wrote just validated LB's review.


  11. essie is one of the first blogs i followed when i started my new blog :)

    kudos to her

  12. ps: I have had a lil mosey through Essie's blog and there is some rather amusing stuff in there.

  13. I personally don't iron underwear. In fact, I think underwear is a myth that most folks created in their spare time.

    And I don't have goats. Yet.

    Buuuut, Zen Mama, it's all good.

  14. I like Ellie, and not just because Zen Mama said she's like a young Mongo. But, then again, that could be it. Anyone who gives cooking tips that includes becoming violent, dead bodies in the fridge and seeking sex is always fine by me.

    And, Anon, you're just the kind of person I'd like to drop off in the middle of this backwoods holler for a few days just to see how UNinteresting a place can be.

    I've missed you LB. Especially...

    "Really? I thought I took it out this morning. It was starting to smell."

  15. Zen Mama,

    I can only review the blog that Essie actually HAS written, not the one she has the potential to write. I'm sorry you are so emotionally invested that you failed to grasp that.


    I find many places in the U.S. interesting, as well, if that place is different from where I live. My curiosity is not limited to to the 3rd world. But thanks for playing.

  16. And mongo, we still need to have that hookup we've always talked about. ;)

  17. LB: Now THAT would be something that goes slurp in the night. Yowza! Let's invite FF along so I can get warmed up by giving her thigh a little dry hump, shall we?

  18. LB - I gots it. That's why I said you so keenly grasped that something was missing. I knew you were not tasked with finding that something, but merely to review the content in place.

    I thought you did an excellent job with what you had to work with. But I also wanted the readers and Essie to know she is much, much more. It was inside intel.

  19. Me likey 'inside intel', ZM. I thought you and LB were on the same page too.
    I actually think it's great when we tap into a blogger we like and encourage them to tell us more.
    Well, except that part where someone kept finding my blog by way of the search words "man fucks donkey". Really? Shut up and go away, sick fucker.

  20. "Well, except that part where someone kept finding my blog by way of the search words "man fucks donkey". Really? Shut up and go away, sick fucker."

    Holy hell, that's what should be the new comment of the whenever. Or maybe a one-two punch of donkey fuckers and cat penises. Bestiality at its best!

    Good review as always, Ms. Bites. Figured I should at least make some attempt at relevancy here.

  21. Thank you Lil, for spelling it right - bestiality!

  22. Fuck me - and I didn't think I was gonna learn anything today. Bestiality you say?

    So Shiny me love, how do I make my pic come up when I comment eh? Yeah, I know. Captain Retardo here shoudl have no business commenting if he can't figure out that shit but watchya gonna do?

  23. Bestiality!

    RedPen: Create or update a profile at Google or Blogger, add a little photo, and then come out of the shadows to post like the beastly freak that we all know you are.

    Beastly freak!

  24. Beastly bestiality freak!


Grow a pair.