Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Behind the Beige Door

I unbuttoned his pants and tugged them down exposing the beginning of his pelvis. Just below his navel was a moon-shaped scar, long since healed it was lighter and smoother than the rest of his skin. I knelt before him, my knees bare on the hard wooden floor. I brushed my lips over the scar and looked up at him. He pulled me up as he stood and I pushed his pants the rest of the way down and he stepped out of them. I lay down on my side and he came to rest beside me. I used my hands to familiarize myself with the rest of him, the curve of his spine, the hardness of his back breaking into the soft flesh of his buttocks. He was still for awhile, just letting me touch him, watching me with curiosity and gratitude. I took his hand and pressed it into the soft flesh of my sex, I whispered, “I want you inside me.” He moved on top of me and pushed my legs apart with his own and pressed himself against me. Bliss, that moment just before, when you know something is inevitable but has not yet begun. Remember this, I thought to myself, remember how this feels. He entered me and my body gave. He let out a deep exhalation and moved against me with an unhurried rhythm. I wrapped my legs around him loosely. We watched each other for a long time, following the sighs and soft murmurs where they took us, the commands of pleasure. He ran his fingers over my cheeks, past my lips and down my neck as he kept pushing into me, hastening the momentum between us. I could feel it starting, the beginning of a wave, feeling every muscle on alert, at attention until relief came over me. I cried out and used my legs to hold him deep inside of me. He looked at me satisfied and increased his rhythm, pushing into me more forcefully as his breathing sped up. I watched his face change from serene to almost pained. I moved my hips with his, Meeting his movements with my own. I climaxed again, more vocal as the last of my self-consciousness fell away. A quiet moan escaped his lips as he pushed as far inside me as our bodies would allow. I could feel small pulses of movement, warmth and then he relaxed.

Oh, hello there. Miss Missives was just reliving last night. Just wait a second, let me get zipped back up. Sorry about that. Oh, a tissue, thank you, how kind. You came here for a review, not to witness the Miss in a moment of masturbatory mischief. Sorry, some things just get me all hot and bothered.

And some things don't.

I was excited to find I would be reviewing a sex blog but a little concerned when I read the title, OMFG Sex!!!. A sex blog begs an answer to the question of why. Why do we blog? Some of us blog to write to an audience, some of us blog to express a part of ourselves that might be hidden in plain day, some of us blog to present a carefully crafted image to the world, Perfect Mom, Clever Hipster, Train Wreck, Angsty Poet and so on. Some of us blog to connect based on common interests. I would think that one would be a big one for the sex blogs. Oh you like Naughty British girls getting spanked for their disobedience? Me too!!

Lolita Vida, the purveyor of OMFG Sex!!! gives her reason to blog about sex as,
To me what matters most besides D. and I being in love, is the fact that sexually, we are a perfect match. He has a higher sex drive than I do (and I’m blogging mainly to change that
I can think of a lot of things I would do to get myself amped up for a night of ass smackery but blogging isn't one of them. OMFG Sex!!! was nominated for freakiest blog, Blogger's Choice awards-- probably self-nominated because really, freakiest? Have you visited the internet lately? Talking about the sex you're having with your husband doesn't even get runner-up status. Now if you are talking about having sex with your neighbor's husband who is a pre-op transsexual who likes to be diapered while you re-enact Two Girls and a Cup and crush bugs with your heels, whilst dressed up like giant stuffed animals, you might qualify but you still wouldn't win. My goodness, I even found this hotter.

I like this mostly, probably because this is the most real thing Lolita wrote. It feels like her and not the pretend her she thinks she should be. I like some of her rules but take exception with this one:

If your partner enjoys being constantly groped while she cleans, changes diapers and slaves over a hot stove, more power to her and by all means, grope away. But we all know that your woman ain’t one of those gems. So, refrain from the hand assaults as much as you can. Instead, caress her leg and smile at her, Massage her shoulders and ask if she is okay or just brush her hair back with your finger and gaze into the eyes you fell in love with.
Mister Missives is a handsy guy and knows there's nothing like a playful smack on the ass, neck nibble or tittie grab to keep the home fires stoked. Not every woman wants to be gazed at deeply and please, don't ask me if I'm ok. If I'm not ok, you'll know. Now as much as I like being groped or even setting up playful power plays, being held down and yes, even being told what a bad girl I am, I have a huge problem with this. If this is a fantasy Lolita is entertaining, fair enough, however, if you are pleading no and haven't agreed beforehand that no means yes and Persimmon means no then yes, it's rape.

Lolita Vida is also an acknowledged squirter. To each their own however, I found far too many references to Lolita's lady liquid than anyone needs.

my orgasm will gush out of me like a faulty faucet, sink deep into my favorite chair and down the tiles

My seat is soaking wet from the numerous orgasms my body’s gifted me with and the car is permeated with the sweet stench of freshly produced...

Lolita dear, remind me to never sit down anywhere in your house.

There are many problems with this blog. There are the distracting errors like using costumer for customer. There are the cheesecake pictures which feel like the equivalent of crappy clip art. The About Me is absent and archives are all the way at the bottom. But the biggest problem I found with OMFG Sex!!! is that it reads like nothing more than one big pep talk to get this woman to want to have sex with her husband.

I give OMFG Sex!!

For being a giant turnoff, and basically being to sex blogs what Humor Blogs are to funny.

And these are so you can plug up that leaky hole of yours.


  1. Going to my gynecologist is hotter than this blog. I found it boring and sophomoric.

  2. Jesus, Miss Missives, where have you been all my life?

    Gazed at deeply? I'll take an ass smack over a deep gaze any day. But fuck, I certainly don't want to be raped. I'm surprised by the encouraging comments she got on that one, but you know, the internet...

    I'm not really into the female-squirting blog genre. As to sex blogs, I used to read Postmodern Courtesan which was the tales of a lady escort, but alas she probably went undercover somewhere in the blogosphere. Maybe it was all the Christian hate-mail.

    This blog is fucking weird.

  3. Persimmon, huh? Safe words are awesome.

  4. Mine's "the cops are outside."

  5. We don't have safe words. My pain loving partner has to say his multiplication tables up to 12 before I let up.

  6. jack-o-lantern, jack-o-lantern!

  7. Sex blog? I like porn better.

  8. Funny, our safe word is, "Get the fuck away from me. I'm pregnant. Happy now?"


Grow a pair.