Monday, March 15, 2010

Are Your Parents Siblings?

Sometimes I have an irritable bowel that acts up. When my irritable bowel doesn’t act up I am a charming little sweet pea. When it does act up, (and I consider acting up three trips to the bathroom in less than thirty minutes because I need to expel huge volumes of diarrhea) I get mighty dehydrated, crampy, and bitchy. But other than that, I am an easy going kind of girl. B-u-b-b-l-e-girl made me feel the same way my irritable bowel makes me feel sometimes—dehydrated, crampy, and bitchy.

When I made my way to Bubblegirl, I saw this title and thought, "oh goody. I love sex and bendy people!" But then I read on and realized it was a colossal let-down. There wasn’t anything really sexy about it.

Bubblegirl has a disease, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome is a group of inherited disorders that affect your connective tissues. Some of the more prominent symptoms of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome include flexible joints that extend beyond the normal range of movement. Oh, and you have skin that is especially stretchy or fragile. Not that you would know any of that from Bubblegirl’s blog.

The title of the blog is Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome: Deal With It. The rest of the title should say, "If you like married hypochondriacs that have absolutely nothing interesting to say."

About Me sections are for giving the reader pertinent info that will help them learn about you and your lame ass blog. All I got from your About Me section is that you are from Canada and you like karaoke. If you want people to deal with the fact that you have this disease that no one has ever heard of, write about something other than this fucking disease. It is very hard for others to not define you by this god-awful affliction if that is all you have to say. And unfortunately for me, this is all you have to say. Over and over and over again.

Bubblegirl doesn’t even post enough to actually warrant a review. At the time of this review she has posted 52 times in 2 years. If this is a way of keeping friends and family informed of the latest round of tests or whatever bullshit is going on with you, I have a brilliant suggestion. Get your family and friend’s e-mails together and send them updates. Please do this so that others who want to write and can’t imagine their existence without words in a row don’t have to share space with you on Blogger (which is the only thing you are doing right at the moment). This is going to hurt, but am saying it anyway. While I was trying to find a morsel of redeeming quality about your blog I found myself popping back over to WebMD and the Mayo Clinic website because their info on your particular disease was way more interesting than the mundane bullshit on your blog.

When I saw this or this, I was constantly screaming, "Tell me why in the blue fuck I should care about this litany of ailments?" If you thought having Ehlers-Danlos was shitty, try having to read about all these boring ass things you go through. It is excruciating.

Here is where you have to make a decision. Tell me why you are using a vibrator, how it really makes you feel that you are the real life inspiration for the movie Unbreakable, and explain just what kind of dumbasses stumble across your path as a secretary or just stop. And by stop, I mean end your blog. But I wonder if you want your blog to be anything more than medical updates. If that is the case, why would you ask to be reviewed? You need to read this review, and this hint and then give your final answer. There are about 37 other things I wanted to tell you to do but until you reconcile the content/writing issue, there really isn’t a point to even bringing those up.

I bet you are a nice girl. I bet you are fun to be around for like the first five minutes until you start complaining about your sprained finger from washing dishes. I bet I would have a beer with you if you didn’t post pics of this.

Having a shitty disease and maybe being nice doesn’t make me be nice. Dame Chisel doesn’t like to waste time. And your blog is a waste of time. A long, boring, mind-numbing waste of time. This review was my first for AAYSR. I am almost pissed that my reviewing cherry was popped on this gigantic turd. But everyone’s first time can’t be perfect. Now I can get back to something really worthwhile, like dealing with my irritable bowel.

I wanted to give you this

But instead I gave you this because you do have this awful disease and it’s obviously the only thing you’ve got going for you.

13 comments:

  1. OUCH! I'm afflicted with middle-aged lesbian disorder. When I have a hot time in bed, I just turn on the fan and hope that flash will pass. Fortunately, it's not the only thing I have going for me. My girlfriend gets them too.

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  2. Nobodys first time is perfect.

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  3. I started thinking about my first time the other day. It took me a while to remember a last name and location.

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  4. Good review, Noobs. ;)

    My first time involved a guy named Rod and the Sigma Nu house. I doubt I'll ever forget it. Not that it was good, but for the sheer campy badness of it.

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  5. Mine was scandalous. Student teachers are a no no. If I had sex with him now I think I would be saying something like "oh for fuck's sake nevermind, I'll do it myself."

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  6. To be fair, when you've got EDS and you're as broken as Bubble girl, it takes up all of your energy and time and truly, it's a fucking shitty disease. It's not hyperchondria or 'spraining' your finger, it's actual dislocations, multiple times a day. Bendy is sort of the understatement of the universe.

    I like Bubblegirl, she leaves lovely comments and because EDS is rare, it's nice to know someone else is putting up with the same shit as you.

    Off my soapbox now.

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  7. I don't doubt that it is a hellacious disease. My head couldn't even wrap around what it must be like. I am not reviewing her disease or even her as a person. I am reviewing her blog. And she asked...nevermind. You know the name of this blog.

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  8. Mentioning hypochondria though, that hits a bit close to the bone, especially with EDS, but that is from my personal experience.

    To be clear, I'm not taking issue with the review, not at all. You do ask and you put your big girl panties on for the receiving.

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  9. I couldn't tell if this was a review of the blog, or a review of whether or not the reviewer actually believes Bubblegirl has EDS and, if so, how much it actually affects her life.
    There are some good hints about cleaning up the About page and using email (instead of her blog) to update family.
    Otherwise, ???

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  10. Not really 'meow'.
    Just my take.
    Which is often wrong, but never in doubt.

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  11. Here is where you have to make a decision. Tell me why you are using a vibrator, how it really makes you feel that you are the real life inspiration for the movie Unbreakable, and explain just what kind of dumbasses stumble across your path as a secretary or just stop. And by stop, I mean end your blog. But I wonder if you want your blog to be anything more than medical updates. If that is the case, why would you ask to be reviewed? You need to read this review, and this hint and then give your final answer. There are about 37 other things I wanted to tell you to do but until you reconcile the content/writing issue, there really isn’t a point to even bringing those up.

    If you spend five minutes on the site in question, this is the feedback that the author needs to hear. The review, IMO, was dead on.

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  12. Good point, LB.

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Grow a pair.