What Doesn't Itch

A reivew, by Dartboard Jones.

Bienvenidos, Amigos. It must be slim pickin's for writers these days, because one of the crazy bitches at AskAndYeShallReceive is actually going to let me review. Needless to say, I am drunk with power at the moment and I can't wait to tear into someone else's shitty website.

So who's up? Sartorially Inclined. A blog about men's fashion.

Okay, I'll give this a shot. I probably should preface with the fact that I barely know how to dress myself. I buy clothes once a year and it's usually when I pilfer from the discount rack at the Gap outlet.

I think I'd almost rather collect DNA samples from Oprah Winfrey's used incontinence pads than read a blog about fashion, but Madame Bellicose told me if I didn't do it she was going to beat me with a 9-iron.

To start things off I dig the use of a SAT word in site name.

Sartorially: adj. Of or relating to a tailor, tailoring, or tailored clothing: sartorial elegance.

You bust out that word at a Harvard bar and I guarantee you get Minny Driver's digits. How 'bout them apples?

Not much in the About Me: "How would you describe your style?" I asked. He replied, like the perfect eloquent jackass he was, "Smooth and slow burning."

That's it? Well at least I know you are a pretentious pink-shirt wearin' douchebag. Not a necessarily a negative in my book, provided you keep me entertained from this point forward.

The layout is sexy. It's stylish. It reminds of LeBron James wearing an argyle sweater and a polo shirt. You can't exactly explain why, but damn he's looking good. Simple black text on a white background with a neat and recognizable logo at the top. If only every website that is submitted for approval here was like that, I imagine Rassles anger induced hemorrhoids would go away.

So with such a leadup, what would you expect? Maybe some fashion tips for a cro-magnon dude like me who want to spruce up their look. Maybe insider reporting on the fashion industry? Some snarky writing about do's and don'ts of fashion this year?

Nope. None of that. Instead you get....well, I'm not exactly sure what the fuck this is supposed to be. He does things like posting a bunch of pictures of green things. Then he takes an album cover and posts things that have the same colors in them. Then he had a post of pictures of basketball players, recycled from a GQ list. Hey I have an idea, why don't you either post an interesting link, OR contribute something to the blogosphere, instead of repeating what someone else said. If I wanted a list of things to read that other people wrote, I'd go to Digg goddammit! I don't know, I guess for a guy who buys his underwear at Walmart and owns one suit, maybe I'm missing some inner fashion brilliance. Maybe I'm not.

Look, L.A.S., let me be clear. I don't dislike you, I just think you are boring. The frustrating thing is that he writes for Debonair and the articles could actually be contrived as interesting. Well, as interesting as Brooks Brothers loafers and Ralph Lauren cardigans can get. I personally would rather read a phonebook. But it's not like L.A.S. is bad writer. Every once in a while he'll put out a gem. I just wish it happened more often.

I've decided that reading this blog reminds me of a job I had in college once where I swiped ID cards at the campus recreation center. I would sit there staring at the wall as I swiped ID cards for hours at a time. It was safe. It was never stressful. It was also the most boring 20 hours a week I've ever had.

My advice L.A.S. ? Be more insightful than just posting pictures of clothes you want to buy, and then maybe we can talk about giving you some stars.

Because you bore the ever living shit out of me.