Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Mayor of Red Flag Town


Several years ago, I was all about the online dating. At one point, I'd lined up dates with six different dudes in a matter of two weeks. Through all those coffee dates fraught with weirdos in dad jeans and potential kidnappers/rapists/murderers, I started doing something to prevent my time from being wasted by asshats.

As soon as these dudes would contact me, I'd begin mentally tallying their "red flags". Nothing makes me lose my lady-boner faster than a couple red flags. And nothing makes me lose my blog-boner faster either.

But that's exactly what happened when I began reading The Cool Jerks, which was created to help dudes understand how to meet and date women.

BLOODY RED FLAGS ON FIRE. ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE. PEOPLE. "Twiggy" doesn't understand women, and he sure as hell doesn't know how to blog. And since he is inept at both, how the hell does this toolbag expect to give online advice about women?

Answer: He can't.

Red Flag #1 - First impressions actually matter, Twigster, and you don't seem to give a shit about the impression you're making.
  • You have two sidebars filled with meaningless shit. It's like you've dowsed yourself in Axe Body Spray. Less is more, dude.
  • You have redundant tabs and "click to read more" posts. You look messy and lazy, and in desperate need of a makeover, which is just waaaay too much work.
  • You're asking for PayPal donations. What the fuck for? You cheap bastard.
  • You have tons of paid-to-click advertisements. You're into money more than you're into self-development. Classy.
What's pathetic is all of that could have been prevented, but . . .

Red Flag #2 - You never read our online profile before contacting us.

Did you read the FAQ before submitting here? Fuck no, you didn't. Thanks for making it obvious you care more about getting web traffic, than about having respect for our time, asswipe. Really, what you were looking for here is the blog review equivalent of a "wham, bam, thank you, ma'am".

You need to sweet talk the lady, get to know her a bit, and if you're lucky enough to climb her bell tower, you need to make sure you ring her fucking bell. As of now, I feel objectified, used, and completely unsatisfied. Nice job.

Red Flag #3 - Your online profile says nothing about you.

The "About Us" tab just reiterates what's on your home page. I had to trek halfway down your sidebar and click a link to ANOTHER site, before I got a legit "About Me" page. The only reason I took the effort to figure out who the hell you are, is because I'm reviewing your site, not because I actually care.

If you make it too hard for someone to get to know you, they won't bother, genius.

Red Flag #4 - Your writing is incoherent.


Your grasp of the English language is mediocre at best. Which would be fine, since it's not your mother tongue . . .but you're writing for an English-reading audience. Your writing doesn't flow at all, because you use incorrect punctuation, grammar and spelling, on top of repeatedly misusing words. For instance, here you use the word "viscous". I do not think it means what you think it means.

Microsoft Word's grammar and spell check won't cut the mustard, cowboy. To avoid looking completely bush league, you need to actually look up the meaning of the word before you use it. And why would anyone take your advice (or date your lameass), if you can't be bothered to take the time to be professional and coherent?

Red Flag #5 - You're halfass about communication.

You have blog posts dating back to 2008, but you only have 40 posts. WTF. Your last post was a month ago, which is just an embedded video, and the post before that is from March. Maybe try a little harder, and you'd get more of attention from readers. And the ladies. Jesus.

Red Flag #6 - You have no fucking clue who you are at all.

Your posts flip-flop between "be a real man and develop yourself" and "this is how you play asshole head games with the ladies". You say your site is "dedicated to the self development of men" and your tagline is "Redefining Jerks". But then you make repeated references to being a pick-up artist, and advise men to purchase a whole slew of books on "how to play women". So which is it? Are you trying to help men develop themselves as people, or help them get laid? Because they're not even close to being the same thing, bucko.

Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, if you ACTUALLY developed yourself as a person for your own sake, cultivated some interests outside of picking up women, got over your obvious issues and got your shit together (meaning become a fucking adult who doesn't drunkenly puke on himself), you might not have to play games with women? Because all those things foster confidence, which is far more attractive than the shit you have going on now.

Red Flag #7 - I have a sneaking suspicion you're one of those "nice guys" who are actually "passive-aggressive douchebags".

These bitches have been blogging about fuckers like you for YEARS. I'll let them have at it.

Red Flag #8 - On the other hand, I'm pretty sure you're really a full-on misogynistic asshole.

Women are innately addicted to dating assholes. Women are only after money and "feeling good". Women should only be cheerleaders, beauty queens or chefs. Women are just walking tits, asses and vaginas, nothing more.

Those stereotypes exist for a reason, because there are girls out there who believe them and do nothing but live up to them. But there's a difference between girls and women, sweetcheeks.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "you attract what you are"? If you go through life believing those fucked up stereotypes, you will only attract girls who live up to them, which is exactly the type of female your site is trying to help men avoid. Do you see the vicious (not viscous) cycle?

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. The type of WOMAN you and your Cool Jerk buddies are scheming to meet would have abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING to do with you in real life. Hell, you've got a single, intelligent, smoking hot lady in her 20's writing this review. I'm your fucking dream woman, and I'm gonna tell y'all something: I've had an outbreak of vagina dentata after reading this shit.

So, I award you a nice



for using us to get website traffic, a






for not reading the FAQ and wasting my time, and a






for being a misogynistic fucktard. I hate you.

19 comments:

  1. I comment only to say: Heartless Bitch since 2002. I see you are unsurprised by that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Do you think he's the type of guy who calls a girl a whore if she won't sleep with him?

    ReplyDelete
  3. And Shagnasty, you radiant thing, this brought out the angry feminist in me like you wouldn't believe. What kind of women does this cumstain come across? I feel sorry for them.

    ReplyDelete
  4. He's just another fucking tucker max wannabe who's doing it wrong. Not that there is a right way to be a misogynistic prick who blogs about your trophy fucks, mind you. But at least Tucker Max is somewhat funny.

    And yes, I think he uses all sorts of unsavory terms in the wrong context. A girl who doesn't sleep with this whiny cunt is smart, not a whore.

    ReplyDelete
  5. "Everyone deserves the best...even women" is one of the many quotes I could take from the first and only page I opened.

    This blog is a fart in the divine silence of the universe.

    Still, glad this appalling blog inspired the reviewer to give a link to the Heartless Bitches web page, which was new (and welcome) to me.

    Also grateful to see that links now open in a new page.

    ReplyDelete
  6. "This blog is a fart in the divine silence of the universe."

    Madam, my salutations.

    This should be comment of the week. Maybe even the month.

    ReplyDelete
  7. So...this reviewer is Shagnasty? Genius.

    I want this fucking Twiggy character to show himself, and answer to us for shitting on the internet.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I think I just got spammed. I mean, that's what that was, right? The site?

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am sitting here picturing in my mind Steve Martin and Dan Ackroyd writing a blog, circa 1979.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_zPmwvQFaM

    ReplyDelete
  10. You know what pissed me off the most? Saying indifference was sexy or attractive to women. Decisiveness is far more important.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Apathy is one of my biggest pet peeves.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Posol'stvo's video hit the nail right on the fucking head.

    And I had to give a shout-out to the Heartless Bitches. Their "Nice Guys" rants kept popping up in the back of my mind when I'd read this douchebag's drivel.

    I'm also excited "vagina dentata" became a new tag for the site.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Not clicking to the blog (no traffic from this corner of the blogosphere), but I must agree with Arjun that my buddy Pueblo Girl has the best line of the day:
    "This blog is a fart in the divine silence of the universe."

    ReplyDelete
  14. Boo-yaahhh to Pueblo Girl. I'm registering another vote for her getting the quote of the week (or bi-weekly or monthly or whatever it is now).
    Also, the best part of this for me was the realization that the stand up guy I get to call my husband would instantly want to pop this cock smith directly in the mouth for some of his poorly written opinions about women.

    ReplyDelete
  15. What an utterly ghastly man. Everybody knows that the best way to catch a woman is with a lobster pot and a ripe guava. That's how I caught my Fanny.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I was going to say you catch women with puppies and case of Trois Pistoles, but you know. When in Rome.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I was caught with a plate of poorly executed spaghetti bolognesa and some flat beer.

    I'm pretty fucking easy though.

    ReplyDelete
  18. SuperPayMe is the best work from home site.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.