Hey, y'all, I know that you thought that I died the true blog death or something, but I'm still here, watching over you, like the dark fairy blogmother. Isn't Shiner doing an awesome job running things? I knew she would. And, I am never wrong, y'all.Except about sociopathic men. In that realm, I've dated my fair share of them, thinking that I could heal them, fix them, or love them. At the time, it felt normal to me to have someone try to choke me, throw things at me, call me the most evil names on earth, and hit me. Love was pain for me, because that's how I was raised. However, I'm long past that long dark teatime of the soul, and bad boys on steroids have no place in my life anymore.
Being around someone who hurts themselves with impunity, hurts other people with entitlement, and prides themselves on their own mental illness is like falling through an outhouse floor into an infinity of ancient excrement, squirming with maggots, that coats your skin with a filthy lung destroying warmth. As you can imagine, I don't enjoy it.
I'd barely glanced at Claudia Calling when I agreed to review this blog for Shiner.
My bad, y'all. Let me just give you a sample:
If I went to confession, this is the cheat sheet I would takeI'm pretty sure that Claudia thinks she's being all badass and brave by blogging about her sociopathy and her need to hurt other people (and herself). Allowing herself to be anally raped and not fighting back is just par for the course.
--I have had unprotected sex on three different occasions with three different men (other than my husband) in the last 2 months.
--I don't do any fucking housework anymore. I just don't.
--About 7 hours of my work day is spent fucking around on the internet or staring off into space.
--I know that my drug and alcohol use/abuse will lead to a premature death, but I don't want to stop.
--Only very rarely do I drink at work.
--On one of those occasions, I actually did carry a hip flask in my garter belt, and it was pretty sexy.
--I don't consider myself a drug abuser because I only smoke weed. I'm more concerned about the drugs my psychiatrist prescribes, which don't mix well with my alcohol habit.
--I'm almost certainly going to end up hurting SkullsAndShit if I keep seeing him, and I don't want to break things off because I enjoy him. Wow for real. He's enamored. I don't get it.
--I've been leaving slightly suggestive comments on Trucker's Facebook updates just because I know it drives Trucker Wife crazy. Ah-hahahaha! She's such a narcissist. It really brings me so much joy to fuck with her. The lesson here: Narcissist v. Sociopath? Sociopath wins every time. Respect that shit.
However, I've worked with (and loved) enough crazy fucked-up people participating in their own emotional dismemberment to last a lifetime. Thanks, but I'm full-up on crazy here, and doing my best not to fall into the abyss again. I've fought it, and clawed my way up the rocky cliff until my nails bled, and right now, in spite of everything, I'm beating it.
So, finding someone who wallows in the crazy, who glories in it, and who does damage to herself and others without caring...that shit pisses me off.
I read about 10 posts. That was all I could stand.
Claudia/Lola: You're a dual-diagnosis clusterfuck with a fatalistic outlook who wants to hurt yourself and/or die. I refuse to participate in your ritual disembowelment. Find someone else to sell that shit to, or start doing the hard work to heal yourself. And I'm not going to lie...I know, as someone who was physically and emotionally abused for years, and still bears the scars, that it ain't easy.
But it's a choice.
As Alice Sebold said, in her memoir, Lucky,:
You save yourself or you remain unsaved.You're not saving yourself, Claudia/Lola. You're a willing participant in your own destruction. And truthfully, your rape of yourself is far more excruciating to view, even from a distance, than I suspect your original sexual molestation ever was.
I can't rate you. I don't want to damage you further with flaming fingers, and I certainly don't want to reward you.
Oh wow. I like to take my broken (admittedly, not much there for me) and make it beautiful. She's taken her broken and made it ... I dunno, tawdry. It hurts to read it and honestly, it reads like bad fiction.
ReplyDeleteClaudia, like Love Bites mentions, save yourself. No one else is going to do it for you.
That is train-wreck stuff. Very 'look at me, look at how fucked I am.' I looked for a bit but man, couldn't read it all the time.
ReplyDeleteOkay. Fair enough.
ReplyDeleteOne point of contention, though. I don't "hurt people with entitlement." I try very hard never to hurt anyone (other than my own mental roommates) and I don't feel entitled to much at all. My entire life has been set up to serve other people, which is kind of where the blog came from. I'm trying to restructure that, and it makes me feel like a monster at times.
The bit about the Trucker's wife was a joke probably best left unsaid. I have never tried to hurt her (and, in fact, have gone out of my way NOT to hurt her), though I am sometimes amused by how bizarre she acts in response to even the most innocent remarks. Really, it's weird. I forget sometimes that readers don't know these people like I do.
That said, in the earlier posts I played with style a lot more, and that's really what I was hoping to get feedback on. The writing got derailed a bit by the suicide attempt a few months ago. The assault last month hasn't helped much either. (And no, I didn't *let* myself get raped. I've found that it's easier to cope with the violation by pretending I played a role in it. It gives me a little bit of power back, even if just temporarily.)
Anyway, thank you for at least taking a glance. I know it's not pretty. I also know it's confusing since we exaggerate and lie to ourselves, and there are two of us. That's some weird shit, no doubt.
Thanks again.
C/L
Claudia,
ReplyDeleteWhen you fuck other men without protection (i.e., risky sexual behavior), you ARE, in fact, hurting your husband.
You need to start owning your behaviors and taking responsibility for them, regardless of which personality is responsible.
Are you currently in treatment? If not, WHY IN THE HELL NOT?
You clearly are not self-managing. You are risking severe damage to yourself and other people.
If you self-destruct, do you not understand how devastating that will be to the people who love you?
GET BACK IN TREATMENT. Do it for the people who love you, if you can't do it for yourself.
I mean this in all seriousness.
It's not our job here to be mental health counselors. But, as an objective outside source who is reading you cold, you're very painfully self-destructing by degrees. You need to acknowledge that and deal with it.
ReplyDeleteAnd, as far as serving other people, you do not fix the damage by further breaking yourself. You set up the situation with Trucker as a self-perpetuating version of the same abuse.
Truthfully, I don't see you as someone who can emotionally or psychologically handle the polyamourous lifestyle. You're using it to avoid fixing the actual problems, because for a brief period of time, sex soothes you and allows you to stop feeling the pain. Sex, in this instance, is just another kind of self-medicating.
You clearly cannot do this on your own, you need to be under the care of a competent psychiatrist who can give you objective feedback on an ongoing basis.
Honestly, Claudia, having sex with someone's husband and then making fun of her for being jealous of you probably qualifies as "hurting" as well.
ReplyDeleteThere was a little more to it, Shinerpunch, than that. I approached her before ever initiating a physical relationship with her husband. I asked her to please let me know if she was uncomfortable with the situation. She assured me that all was fine, and we developed a bit of a friendship. Then she started crossing all kinds of boundaries with me, and I broke things off with both of them.
ReplyDeleteWhen I tried to resume the relationship with the husband, that's when the anal unpleasantness happened. Serves me right, I guess.
So, it wasn't just fucking her husband and making fun of her. It was more that she hurt me and I vented about it on my blog, in my clumsy pretend-sociopath kind of way. Don't be fooled. I'm a softie at heart.
But one who is terrible at writing back-story. Clearly.
1. No, you don't deserve being raped. No one deserves that. "Serves me right"? What the fuck?
ReplyDelete2. Trying to justify the reasoning behind making fun of her doesn't change the fact that it's hurtful.
3. You are blaming yourself for things that are beyond your control, and not taking responsibility for the shit you CAN control.
4. Also, um, why the fuck don't you accuse this Truckfucker of rape? What is the point of suppressing the pain and blaming yourself because you didn't have the confidence to fight back or the clarity to realize what was happening?
Bullshit.
I guess I'm not sure how it's hurtful to her that I anonymously write on my blog with, like, three readers that she annoys me. Really, I'm not seeing that. I have been nothing but respectful toward her in reality. I just need to let off some steam every now and then.
ReplyDeleteAnd, yes, I know no one deserves to be raped, self-included. I just have a bad habit of making inappropriate jokes at my own expense. You'll forgive me, I hope, if I'm not responding to the assault in the socially acceptable way right now. I don't think I'm suppressing any pain. I just don't feel it in this case. The whole thing is so stupid and absurd that I can't get that upset about it.
Honestly, it pisses me off, but beyond that I don't really care. Much like when some asshole stole my bike. I *know* that isn't the expected response for this kind of thing, and I'm not saying anyone else should feel this way, but I'm also not going to apologize for how I am personally responding to getting anally raped.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised that one post got so much attention, but I kinda am. I threw that up in about five minutes and considered it filler. Huh.
Actually, the reason your reaction is so infuriating is specifically because that is the common reaction to being raped.
ReplyDeleteThen why attach so much moral judgment to it? Gushing blood is the expected reaction to getting shot in the chest, but we don't stand over gunshot victims and demand they explain why they're making such a mess of things.
ReplyDeleteAnd by "common" I mean "expected." It's not expected by society at large, necessarily. But it's "expected" by the rapist.
ReplyDeleteI never judged your morals, friend. Morals have nothing to do with being a victim.
ReplyDeleteAnd gunshot victims usually don't sit around a go, "Oh well, so I got shot by Bill. It pretty much sucks. I just want to forget the whole thing happened, even with this bullet lodged in my chest."
ReplyDeleteWell, it's not like I still have the dick lodged in my ass.
ReplyDelete(I'd say "rimshot," but, well, yeah.)
I'm not saying it's not fucked up. It is. Rape is fucked up. It's just that any way I possibly deal could be picked apart by someone as evidence of some shortcoming of my own. I'm too much a victim. I look for trouble. I make a big deal about nothing. On and on and on. It sucks.
This ain't my first rodeo, in case it's not clear. This is what works for me.
Do you feel like I've taken the path of least resistance? Is that what's bothering you? Because I'm bothered by that, too. But in my experience, you resist you die. Despite what LB may have inferred from the handful of posts she read, I'm not quite ready to do that just yet.
Yes. Path of least resistance. That's it exactly. I don't know how to deal with complacency and indifference, whether it's natural or constructed.
ReplyDeleteIt's just that any way I possibly deal could be picked apart by someone as evidence of some shortcoming of my own. I'm too much a victim. I look for trouble. I make a big deal about nothing. On and on and on. It sucks.
ReplyDeleteThis is a classic method of deflection. How should you be dealing? You should be in treatment, dealing with these issues, instead of thinking you can fuck your way to wholeness.
This ain't my first rodeo, in case it's not clear. This is what works for me.
It's clear to anyone who reads your blog that it isn't working for you. If you think this is what "working" looks like, that further reinforces my point that you need to be working steadily with a professional instead of self-medicating with risky sex, drugs, and alcohol.
Do you feel like I've taken the path of least resistance? Is that what's bothering you?
What is bothering both Shiner and I, I suspect, is that you are an active participant in your own victimization, instead of trying to heal. THAT IS FUCKING PAINFUL TO WATCH. We want you to do something about it.
If I thought it would help, and that you wouldn't just cringe and take it, I'd kick your ass all the way to the psychiatrist's office. In fact, I'm not at all sure that you shouldn't be in-patient somewhere instead of self-harming.
You're suicidal by degrees, Claudia. That's BOTHERSOME for anyone who is healthy.
But in my experience, you resist you die.
Are these the only two choices that exist in your world? What about the option of NOT HAVING RISKY SEX?
Despite what LB may have inferred from the handful of posts she read, I'm not quite ready to do that just yet.
Maybe not, but you also aren't ready to start healing yourself, either. That's the tragic part. It's painful to watch someone choose to repeatedly injure themselves. Now I can see how frustrating it must have been for my friends and family to watch me doing the same thing.
and, for the record, it isn't just the post on anal rape. It's the entire train wreck, Claudia. You make comments on facebook to provoke a woman whose husband you are fucking. You excuse an anal rape. You drink too much, have risky unprotected sex with other men (exposing your husband to a potentially fatal or life-changing STD), and you appear to be doing nothing to work on these things.
ReplyDeleteSelf-harm may be normal to you, but it isn't normal.
I can't wait until Mongolian Girl shows up on this thread...
ReplyDeleteOoookay, let me explain the Facebook thing. You're really imagining me to be a lot more horrible than I am. She *never* comments on her husband's updates. I left an innocuous comment, she immediately commented. I thought that was a little odd, so after a few more people chimed in, I commented again. She immediately commented. I repeated this experiment a couple of times and was greatly amused. That was it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am *not* excusing a rape. I just don't feel emotionally harmed by it at the moment. Later, maybe, but not yet.
As far as the risky sex goes, I'm not proud of it. I wrote it down and published it to force myself to deal with it, which I have. One of the dudes in question slipped the condom off without my knowledge. I no longer have sex with him. Another I fucked when I was too drunk to be doing so and I'm no longer in contact with him at all, and the third is my current boyfriend. We've both been tested and cleared and it's fine. I'm not exposing my husband to anything.
You're projected a lot onto me that I really wish you wouldn't. I understand why you have the impression of me that you do, but please know that I'm a lot more stable than my blog persona would imply. In fact I selectively write the shittiest things about myself as a reminder of what I would be if I let myself slip too much.
This review has shown me that it's really not making much sense to anyone but me.
Dammit. I edited that comment and then posted the unedited version. WTF?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, the gist: I make bad decisions. I understand that and writing them out in the worst possible light on my blog helps me deal with it. Really. It does.
When I originally submitted for review, I had intended and expected the blog to go a different direction. Instead, it went the direction that should probably be left private. I see that now.
We have a troll.
ReplyDeleteLB: I'm reading the blog as we speak. Wait...
ReplyDeleteI've known more than a handful of people who lived with dissociative disorder...but not the internet version of dissociative disorder. That's a new version.
ReplyDeleteDig this --> I read the entire blog and then strapped on my muck boots, went outside and drove a fuckin' Bobcat for the first time without killing anyone. I do think, however, that I may have peed a little.
ReplyDeleteSo, Claudia, guess what? A few weekends ago one of my dearest long-term friends came to visit me. She is a big ol' vein poppin' drug addict who has been clean for 22 years. I am a big ol' drug addict too and have been clean for 21 years.
Several years ago my dear friend suffered a breakdown of the ugliest order. Out of it came one of the longest, hardest and most beautiful journeys I've ever seen another human being take. She went into therapy and started dealing with herSELVES. They were beautiful, mean, protective, abusive, crazy teenagers, sexualized, hiding, silent, chained to a wall in a basement acting like harmed animals...on and on. They were everything. They were everybody. They were all beautiful in their attempts to protect her from the reality of everything she had been through in her lifetime.
Today, because of her willingness, she is happy, joyous, thoughtful, funny, spontaneous, unafraid, hopeful and deep. She is free.
Here's the deal Claudia...you want to get clean? Bring it. You want to actually meet and begin integrating yourselves? Bring it. I've got answers, resources, people I know who've been there, and I know how to walk the walk. I'm stronger than 9 yards of garlic and know how to support a mother fucker while they deal with the dirtiest shit ever known to man. The way to get that particular party started is by sending me an email at thecusp@yahoo.com
You are also more than welcome to continue attending the party you're currently attending. The results are, without doubt, jails, institutions or death. No matter what you know, what you think you know, and how well you think you're handling this shit, the result will always be that - jails, institutions or death.
Take your pick, Claudia. For every person I know like my beautiful friend I mentioned above, there are probably 100 friends who are in prison, dead, or stuck in shitty institutions.
The only difference is that some of those people got willing and some of them didn't.
No matter what you choose, I'll be hanging out here in the freedom I know that ANY human being can have no matter what their past is like, how fucked up they are right now, and how fearful they are of the future.
Oh, and PS, don't think for a minute that I will be your response here or anything else posted on your blog. I happen to think you're writing is pretty good. But your willingness, not your writing, is what I am interested in.
Yes, Mongo I am with you. I too have seen this kind of ugly and I have walked my own path of redemption and freedom. Four out of six of my immediate family members are dead. Each were what I categorize as slow motion suicides. Too weak to just be done with it so they drag it out for years, sticking needles in their arms, jumping off 3 story buildings, diving head first into the bottle. In the end, one must assert that they chose to die by not thinking enough of themselves to put an end to the risky behavior. C/L must look herself(s) in the coldest, meanest of mirrors and recognize that the fallout, those tiny pieces of jagged shrapnel, are spilling into the universe and doing harm to humanity. It is a crime to live in a vacuum and believe your actions do not hurt those around you. You are shrouded in a cloak of denial to think you are on top of it, getting away with it or even to think you are happily skipping along the path of least resistance. The only path you are on is the slippery slope that will take you straight down the edge of a razor blade until your meaningless life will be ended and there will be nothing to have been gained from your time here.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, how many people can say they've been to the dark places you have been and they survived. And with their survival came hope and healing for other lost souls.
A purpose would be raised from the grave upon which you stand.
The choice is yours.
I was hoping you'd show up Zen Mama. You've pulled your punches with this life as well, and I knew you would know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing you wrote that I had a bit of disagreement with is that, should Claudia stay on the path she's on and die because of it, I will still wholly believe her life was full of meaning. Every moment of it, in fact. There is no doubt that there is a shine on this woman that is full of meaning, importance and beauty to all of us. So what it's all fucked up in the middle of addiction and unaddressed mental illness.
When I was in active addiction and had yet to address anything in therapy I was a beautiful and shining star. The only problem was that I had not made it to that magic combination of hitting bottom and being willing at the same time. If I would have died, the only shame would have been that I missed the beauty of seeing all the love and creativity that I am, and that the universe is truly conspiring in my favor.
Bully on, Madame Zen!
And you, Claudia, when are you going to fucking email me?
thecusp@yahoo.com
It's true, I won't be reading your blog or responding to your comments here. But I will absolutely respond with recovery if you send me an email and ask for help.
It's there, you want it, and I'm waiting.
Oh, and I will also be waiting tomorrow and next week and next year and for the rest of my days.
ReplyDeleteIt is a fact that, once I've committed to reach back if someone reaches out, it never goes away.
Deal.
Mongo - I know my words were harsh - it's my own unresolved anger with the senseless death of my family members flaring up again. One of these days, I'm gonna have to deal with dat shit.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful gift of grace you offerng C/L. I hope she can see it.
You guys are seriously awesome. If I ever needed it I would want you on my side. I dunno what else to say without sounding all gushy but you are powerful and inspirational and more than a little scary, in a good way.
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend was reading over my shoulder last night on this blog, and I know he was appalled by my bluntness. I want people to know that my intention with Claudia is not to do harm. I've just realized from working with people in similar situations that nothing is accomplished by sugar-coating what is happening. My words are purely motivated by NOT wanting to see her continue to damage herself.
ReplyDeleteClaudia is a good writer, and she's been through hell and is still surviving. She's a strong person. But she's settling for a fraction of the life she could be living. That's sad. She deserves better.
Good lord, Mongoliangirl, I love you so hard.
ReplyDeleteWhat the hell is going on here? Is there going to be no mention of the fact that I drove a Bobcat for the first time and peed myself a little bit while doing it? Come on now people!
ReplyDeleteLook, addiction and mental illness is harsh shit. No doubt about it. The worst response I've seen to either one is the one where someone turns away and pretends it isn't happening. The responses here have, in my opinion, been everything from harsh to blah. But they are better than nothing. Bottom line - there is never anything wrong with screaming your head off when you see another human being running full speed toward a cliff. I say be scared, angry and bewildered by anything that can so viciously degrade a human being.
Have no fear lovers, as long as there is breath, there is hope.
I love you too Miss Ginny. You're a true gem.
And you, Grumpy, just make sure you have some kind of degrading, debilitating and potentially fatal problem if you're going to reach out for help. This addiction and long-term recovery shit has made me a craggly ol' gal who doesn't suffer luxury problems well.
Xoxo Askers...you're one seriously fucked up bunch and I still truly love it here.
Now, everybody get off your lazy asses and comment about my Bobcat driving pee pee incident!
Nah, - I don't have any probs. I am just sayin'....if I did. I am aware chipped nail-polish doesn't count.
ReplyDeleteHey - how about that Mongoliangirl? I heard she drove a bobcat and had to change her underdaks after!
I would like to see a photo of mongolian girl peeing on the Bobcat.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear MG,
ReplyDeleteI'm not entirely sure what a Bobcat is, but I hope it doesn't have leather seats. Pee is really hard to get out of leather.
Hey--I just had a wacky idea, MG. Why don't you start your own blog? You could put up pictures of horses and dogs. You could write about pumpkin muffins and crowbars. You could call it...oh, I don't know...something clever like...ummmm...The Clasp...no...The Clash...no....The Cusp--yeah, that's perfect. The Cusp. Get on that, will ya? (I miss you.)
6/19/2010 6:50 AM
Oh, of course, here we go, someone just has to go and mention that I'm a no-bloggin' mofo. Thank's HIF, I am SO going to have to drive past your house on a Bobcat while peein' a little and givin' you the finger.
ReplyDeleteFact is, with the horse business the way it is, the only solution I've come up with is keeping notes on what I'd like to blog about and then getting them on the blog during the slow winter months.
MG--You just park that Bobcat in the driveway and come on in for some ice-cold fruit tea.
ReplyDeleteMongobaby I get the whole not blogging thing. I'm a fuckin pro.
ReplyDeleteI'm just glad you let me get my mongo dose here once in awhile. I don't know what the fuck a Bobcat is either. Is it similar to a bobsled or a house cat? Either way, quit peeing on shit.
LB - I didn't think you needed to qualify your review. Maybe it's because I've been reading your words for so long but I really find your bluntness to be a total act of generosity, especially in this case, where you left the blog unrated.
I don't know if it's because I'm on the rag right now or what but I'm just gushing with love for LB and Mongobaby right now and for pretty much all ya'lls.
I'm pretty sure you guys are the coolest people I've never met.
As to Claudia's blog, I just can't look to say. It would feel too much like telling someone that just wrapped their car around a tree and is waiting for the paramedics to arrive that their belt and shoes don't really go together.
Rape culture?
ReplyDeleteYikes.
ReplyDeleteI saw a dog get run over by a pickup truck a while back... the lady had dropped the leash, and the little thing just burst into traffic, directly in front of the speeding truck. After the dog got popped the truck stopped, its leathery-looking driver jumping from the cab and trying desperately to apologize to the dog’s incompetent leash-handling owner, who flew at him with all kinds of sobbing grief. The guy was obviously taken aback, was stammering and close to tears himself, as the woman stalked back and forth while unleashing her anguish. Then, as the tears began to dry and everybody got back to catching their breaths, there was silence, a peaceful, healing quiet that seemed to be stitching up the psychological wounds right there before our eyes... until the truck driver went back over to the grieving dog-owner to offer some parting sympathy and stepped on the dead dog’s head.
This blog sucked worse than that did.
I know I'm not supposed to be laughing right now.
ReplyDeleteShe didn't "allow herself to be anally raped" and just because a victim doesn't fight back doesn't mean this dude automatically had consent.
ReplyDeleteActually, Geo, if you'd read the post, she did. She laid there passively and let the guy fuck her in the ass, which she didn't want, and she never even said the word no.
The guy had no clue that she didn't want to do this with him. I'm not talking about fighting here. I'm talking about saying no.
How does the guy know that the woman doesn't want to do something, sexually, if she never even verbally tries to stop him?
The short answer: He doesn't.
Is the guy a dick? Sure. But, she also has a responsibility to say no, versus just passively being a recipient to sex she doesn't want.
And that's the rape culture we speak of.
ReplyDeleteJobber, where have you been all my life?
ReplyDeleteI haven't looked at these comments since the last time I commented here, but I do want to say that even in the post linked in this review, it's very clear that I DID SAY NO.
ReplyDeleteFrom the post:
And I was all, No! NO! I can't do that with you!
And he was all whaaa? I can't hear you! Because I'm old and hard of hearing! Lie down on your stomach so it doesn't hurt so much.
(And, no, I'm not making that post public again. Know what's worse than getting raped by someone you thought you loved? Having strangers pick your words apart so they can analyze whether or not you were raped *properly*. For your own good, of course. Because they care so goddamn much. Tear.)
Did he just not hear me? Did he ignore it? Did he think I changed my mind after he whispered, "Hush," and pushed me into the bed? I don't know. It doesn't even fucking matter.
But I did say no.
Even so, fellas, it's probably safe to assume that if your usual wild-in-the-sack girlfriend goes suddenly completely still and starts whimpering, maybe she's not enjoying what you're doing. Doesn't take ESP. Just a little human courtesy.
Don't bother responding to this comment. I'm not coming back. I just want it made clear -AGAIN- that I did fucking say no.