Hey, y'all, I know that you thought that I died the true blog death or something, but I'm still here, watching over you, like the dark fairy blogmother. Isn't Shiner doing an awesome job running things? I knew she would. And, I am never wrong, y'all.
Except about sociopathic men. In that realm, I've dated my fair share of them, thinking that I could heal them, fix them, or love them. At the time, it felt normal to me to have someone try to choke me, throw things at me, call me the most evil names on earth, and hit me. Love was pain for me, because that's how I was raised. However, I'm long past that long dark teatime of the soul, and bad boys on steroids have no place in my life anymore.
Being around someone who hurts themselves with impunity, hurts other people with entitlement, and prides themselves on their own mental illness is like falling through an outhouse floor into an infinity of ancient excrement, squirming with maggots, that coats your skin with a filthy lung destroying warmth. As you can imagine, I don't enjoy it.
I'd barely glanced at
Claudia Calling when I agreed to review this blog for Shiner.
My bad, y'all. Let me just give you a
sample:
If I went to confession, this is the cheat sheet I would take
--I have had unprotected sex on three different occasions with three different men (other than my husband) in the last 2 months.
--I don't do any fucking housework anymore. I just don't.
--About 7 hours of my work day is spent fucking around on the internet or staring off into space.
--I know that my drug and alcohol use/abuse will lead to a premature death, but I don't want to stop.
--Only very rarely do I drink at work.
--On one of those occasions, I actually did carry a hip flask in my garter belt, and it was pretty sexy.
--I don't consider myself a drug abuser because I only smoke weed. I'm more concerned about the drugs my psychiatrist prescribes, which don't mix well with my alcohol habit.
--I'm almost certainly going to end up hurting SkullsAndShit if I keep seeing him, and I don't want to break things off because I enjoy him. Wow for real. He's enamored. I don't get it.
--I've been leaving slightly suggestive comments on Trucker's Facebook updates just because I know it drives Trucker Wife crazy. Ah-hahahaha! She's such a narcissist. It really brings me so much joy to fuck with her. The lesson here: Narcissist v. Sociopath? Sociopath wins every time. Respect that shit.
I'm pretty sure that Claudia thinks she's being all badass and brave by blogging about her sociopathy and her need to hurt other people (and herself). Allowing herself to be anally raped and not fighting back is just
par for the course.
However, I've worked with (and loved) enough crazy fucked-up people participating in their own emotional dismemberment to last a lifetime. Thanks, but I'm full-up on crazy here, and doing my best not to fall into the abyss again. I've fought it, and clawed my way up the rocky cliff until my nails bled, and right now, in spite of everything, I'm beating it.
So, finding someone who wallows in the crazy, who glories in it, and who does damage to herself and others without caring...that shit pisses me off.
I read about 10 posts. That was all I could stand.
Claudia/Lola: You're a dual-diagnosis clusterfuck with a fatalistic outlook who wants to hurt yourself and/or die. I refuse to participate in your ritual disembowelment. Find someone else to sell that shit to, or start doing the hard work to heal yourself. And I'm not going to lie...I know, as someone who was physically and emotionally abused for years, and still bears the scars, that it ain't easy.
But it's a choice.
As Alice Sebold said, in her memoir,
Lucky,:
You save yourself or you remain unsaved.
You're not saving yourself, Claudia/Lola. You're a willing participant in your own destruction. And truthfully, your rape of yourself is far more excruciating to view, even from a distance, than I suspect your original sexual molestation ever was.
I can't rate you. I don't want to damage you further with flaming fingers, and I certainly don't want to reward you.
That's it, enough is enough. I am getting good and tired of the bad karma following me around like Jacob Marley's chain. We have tried to review earnestly, we have tried to provide unflinchingly honest feedback from and to people who really want to write. I am tapped out on being the bad cop dammit, I am going to be the fucking Tooth Fairy from now on, goddamn Glinda the good goddamn witch. So I propose we dismantle Ask, take a respite from the ripping and turn over a kinder, gentler leaf.
