Thursday, June 03, 2010

Unless you have four fingers on your right hand, there's no excuse for you

Listen, I don't have much time today, and less to read thick, carcass-like slabs of text which suggest that I am to read without breathing.

Today's lesson will be to the point, omitting the mind-numbingly repetitive part about why I hate fugly ass templates with stupid ads about ulcers and 6 feet long sidebars with no proper About Me page.

That shit's a given.

Ed, your blog about being a dad and about your son’s ear deformity and partial deafness is an excruciating goddamn test of perseverance that I failed very quickly for one simple reason.

It is not because you can’t write and you’re not funny and you haven’t made me care about your kid; you can write and you are funny and you have made me care about Ethan. You made my hard heart laugh and you even made me happy that your kid can hear better now. You’re foul mouthed and full of attitude and introspective and your self-deprecating nature is the only thing keeping me from wanting to beat you senseless with my keyboard. You can write a decent sentence, I'll give you that.

Your problem is that you offer up solid, unappetizing hunks of visually suffocating, time-annihilating texts where I cannot discern where one mangled thought-juggernaut stops and another begins. Are you missing your right pinkie by chance? Why do you refuse to hit ENTER to help the reader visually? Do you not ever click on "View post" and see that your blog is a slop of grey matter filled with soul sucking skyscrapers of unending words? This, for example, was the blogging equivalent of someone on coke at two in the morning that won't shut up long enough to let the people being aurally trespassed upon make a lick of sense out of the jabbering.

Here's some advice:

Relax. Inhale. Exhale. Come down off of whatever it is you’re on that makes you litter your blog with parenthetical side notes in italics every ten words (which are seemingly arbitrarily thrown all over your posts and due to overuse retain none of their intended effect whatsofuckingever). Slow your hair-trigger thoughts down to a moderate hurricane, finish a thought, and then hit the motherfucking ENTER key before starting a new one.

Buckle in boy, and don't forget your helmet and when you get off you can pick up these for somehow managing to entertain the hell out of me despite your birdbrained way of presenting text:


  1. You know I would gladly spank you Miss M.

  2. He's pretty funny. But yeah, his posts look like a chore to read.

  3. Fuck that shit!

  4. Someone needs a bar of soap in their mouth AND a spanking.

  5. Fucking people underestimate the importance of recognizable paragraphs.

  6. Paragraphs aside, I like what he has to say. I think he's a keeper.

  7. Miss Missives6/03/2010 9:58 PM

    A little editing would go a long way with this one. Pretend your on a word diet and reduce by even 15%.

  8. Pretend your on a word diet and reduce by even 15%.

    Your on a diet? I think you need the spanking!

  9. Hey, you know I collect them blogging dads. Cool. And I understand what you're saying about the paragraphs. I wonder if it's a mistake or a misguided "Blogging means I get to make the rules!"

  10. We clearly all need spankings.

    I'm wondering if Anon is our beloved Ed.

    Honestly, it felt dauting every time I opened up a new post. Oh great, another giant endless block of words. And I even liked the content and it was daunting.

  11. Hey, man, you're like, all hung up on the whole bourgeois "structure" thing.
    Seriously, this was awesome. Just the right mix of constructive criticism and appreciation. Thanks for taking the time to weed through it all. I think you're spot on (and as a matter of fact my return key doesn't work. Swear to god).
    Also I'm not anonymous. My fucking headshot is on my page. I'm not hiding from anybody. Besides, while I may not know a carriage return from my swollen asshole, I surely know the difference between "your" and "you're."

  12. "you're like, all hung up on the whole bourgeois "structure" thing."

    I like Ed.


    I stand corrected.

  14. By the way, Ed, I'm sorry about your return key.

    Drop us a line when you fix it, because I might want to add you to my reader if I don't have to imagine your paragraph breaks.

  15. I think you're spot on (and as a matter of fact my return key doesn't work. Swear to god).


  16. Green-Eyed Kitty Whiskerpuss6/04/2010 7:27 PM

    "...and as a matter of fact my return key doesn't work. Swear to god."

    Sounds like someone needs to get a new keyboard. Aside from that, I like him.


Grow a pair.