Friday, July 16, 2010

Immortally Insane

In a series of comedies, Spielberg portrayed us as vicious bloodthirsty predators bent upon carnage. I particularly liked the part when cousin Trevor pretended to be interested in that skinny kid, in an I-will-tear-from-limb-to-limb way. The human condition is pitiable as it is (No fangs? Enjoy spinach with those molars), but a lot of them seem to pile the crapfest on themselves. Primates revel in superlatives, even in situations that don't warrant them. I'm the most normal person, I'm RANDOM, I'm hilarious-really-hilarious and so on. You say you get antsy once a week? You must describe yourself as schizophrenic, then. Salaried, married with a kid? Clearly neurotic. I'm thrilled so many inmates in my neighbourhood mental institution are avid bloggers.

After digging through piles of blogs that try too hard, one can hardly be blamed for being cynical looking at "Crazy Mom Tats
!" (thanks a lot Shiner). Crazy Friendly Mom? Implied spousal abuse? Joy. She's claims to have a "warped sense of humour" - but no tattoos. Super. James - scotch on the double, raw.

Easy stuff out of the way. Doesn't anyone read the goddamn FAQ anymore? Boring template, over-sized header, cluttered sidebar. Stop using that signature. I'm partial to the dropdown archives you sport, hang on to them. Here are some tutorials you (and oh-so-many-more) can use.

"Crazy Mom Tats!" started blogging less than a year ago. I like visiting the first post on a blog, it usually serves as a make-shift about me when a formal one is missing. I'm not a cat person (dogs are tastier), so I skipped right past that. Mommy blogger with 4 cats who lives in "La Maison du Psycho"? Must you make it so hard?

But what's this? CMT survived surgery on a non-malignant brain tumor. I guess when you get your cranium split open and brain tickled, your sense of humour changes for the better, and there's some evidence of that. There's more about her here. Southern Belle who can "drink, swear, tell dirty jokes, and play poker", and one of her kids is bi-polar. She's a doting mother, and I can see where she's coming from (Momma Raptor loves us a lot - the three she didn't feed on). CMT, combine that with your previous post, make it your "About me" and link it up.

There's a lot of posts about "tatting" and networking with other "tatters". Seeing as it is "psychotatter.blogspot", I can't say much about it. Not my blend of malt, but fun for your friends I'm sure. We're more interesting in writing in these parts, and lets talk about that. There are WAY too many full sized pictures in your posts. Spoken-style writing is not my thing. It gets annoying really fast, and can never be taken seriously.

For most part your blog reads like a day-to-day journal with the occasional "ha" moment. Paint a picture with words CMT, life's a lot more fun that way. Edit, edit and edit. Cut out dialogues, and the tiny unnecessary details. Stop using your blog as a picture wallet. I get it that you want to protect your kids' identities, but why bother with cropped photos at all? The only time I'll look at censored pictures is when they blur out the naughty bits in Japanese porn.

There are promising starts, but all those pictures make me think of you as that lady in the fast food line who won't stop yacking about her teenagers. Here's a thought experiment. Take any post, complete with pictures and captions. Cut the pictures, delete the captions and publish whatever's left. Voila, you just *wrote* your very first post!

Stop embedding pictures and videos of Mad men already, we get it that you like the show. Set yourself mental targets. If this post was half as long and twice as snarky, you'd move from the realm of mommy blogger with a hobby to family woman who writes. Stop indulging in memes, blog awards and other inane shit.

You have plenty to write about - that scar on your head, your creaking knees, diabetes, your job, your hobbies. Get cracking and concentrate on the writing. When you do, you're capable of stuff like this. I get the feeling you can write, and have great stories to share. You're a whole lot better than most mommy bloggers who turn up at I WILL FUCKING TEAR YOU APART.blogspot and expect 5 stars.

You could split what you have into two blogs. One for "tats" and that side of the world, and one for you. A brain-op survivor, family woman, southern gal - find that voice and write your ass off.

A purported "crazy mom" with hundreds of pictures on a cluttered blog would earn many a flaming finger. But for the odd redeeming tidbit, and for giving me some hope for mothers-who-blog I'll lower my claws and give you a "meh”


12 comments:

  1. Nice review Mr Raptor. You criticised constructively. I'd give you a high 5 but your arms are too short to reach.

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  2. High fives with Johnny are lethal. He's got that big raptor claw thing.

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  3. And thanks for the good - and constructive - criticism! I really DO appreciate it! I've thought about separating the Tatting part out, but my tatting buddies seem to love the rest of my blog too much. I'll see what I can do to improve. It least I'm not in mommy blogger hell.

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  4. Ho hum. I just don't get it.

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  5. I don't get it either.

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  6. This is disturbing. I am actively questioning whether I would have had it in me to be as nice as a velociraptor.

    Yo, CrazyMom:

    Are your tatting friends incapable of bookmarking two sites for you?

    I say, go with the two sites thing.

    And write your ass off. It's good exercise.

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  7. So I'm the nice guy now? Fuck, need to disembowel a human child this instant.

    Grumpy, you must have me confused with one of these clowns. Do keep your distance though.

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  8. Oh, right. So you're not doing the misunderstood raptor thing? I will back away slowly. Do I keep contact or avoid it? I can never remember.

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  9. JR--I believe you're the kindest carnivore I ever met.

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  10. Meh.

    I tried to form my own opinion.

    But, 'Meh' is just about right.

    Meh.

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  11. As a general rule, if you're describing yourself as "crazy" there's an incredibly high probability that you are, in fact, very far from it.

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  12. What the fuck. No tattoos?

    Hmph.

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Grow a pair.