Thursday, October 14, 2010

Misanthropic Drunkenness

The only time I watch reality television is when I visit my parents. There, I am forced to sit through hours of random shows they've saved on their Tivo. Sometimes it's kickass, like "Pawn Stars" (FYI: a kickass Antiques Roadshow, run by assholes and idiots). Sometimes it's mildly watchable and can hold my interest, like "Survivor" or "Dancing With the Stars". Luckily, my parents' tastes don't run towards the the more voyeuristic side of reality television.

I say luckily, because I would gouge my own eyes out from boredom if I was forced to sit down and watch that shit.

And now, I've been asked to review a blog which recaps the latest episodes of "The Real World". Jesus.

First off, I don't understand these shows at all. Why is it entertaining to get sucked into a stranger's fucked-up, self-destructive world? Does it make you feel better about yourself? Because your life isn't as fucked up? Do you think you're better than them?

Funny story. You're not.

My advice to THE WORLD: Maybe spend some long, hard hours thinking about your life (maybe with the help of a therapist). Because seeing fucked up people like those who pimp themselves out on reality television makes me weep for the future of our world and contemplate ever having children. If these are the type of people my precious, genius-babies would have to deal with, it makes me want to schedule a hysterectomy ASAP.

I'm not gonna wait for the unnamed, ungendered blog writer to show up in the comment section and claim they're actually making satirical commentary about the whole show. No, sirree. I'm gonna beat ya to the punch, bucko. You've invested time and effort into watching this show and recapping the events. You actually care about it, otherwise you wouldn't write about it.

Do you realize you can actually put together a sentence, have correct grammar and spelling, and can tell a story fairly well? What the fuck. Why are you wasting your life living vicariously through other people's fucked-up ones? We want to hear about YOUR REAL LIFE. If we wanted to know about the "real lives" of the cast of "The Real World", we'd just watch the fucking show.

That's another thing. Why would someone who is into that godawful show want to read about it online? Didn't they watch it themselves? And if they didn't, why wouldn't they just Tivo it or watch it streaming from some other (not quite legal) source? Or watch the 8 million reruns that MTV airs every day? I don't understand.

Writing this review has made me hate people even more. I didn't think it was possible. Congrats.

I especially hate you, Unnamed-Ungendered-Blog-Writer, because I forgot about writing this review until I was three drinks in at the bar and you've ruined my buzz.

For renewing my misanthropic side and harshing my mellow, you get a:

And now I'm going to pass out.


  1. I never cease in amazement the things one can find on the internet.

    I wonder if I can get my friends off my back by finding & reading a blog like this about some television show called "house" or something. (I can't do it. I can't watch TV.)

    Stupid television. It's just a reflection of its audience.

  2. Short, sharp and cranky. Love your work Shagnasty.

  3. What. The. Hell.

    So I actually went over to the blog. Is it actually a real live blog? Like....not just some weirdo sophisticated spam bot?

    I absofuckinglutely cannot believe such a thing exists.

    I will just sit here patiently and wait for the pumpkin muffins/crow bars and taint kicking to ensue.

  4. So is that 1000 posts thing a fucking joke? Because if so, high-larious. If not...high-larious.

  5. Not watching telly 'cause of reality programmes is like not reading books 'cause of Jackie Collins.

    On telly you can see Grey Gardens and Wayne Sleep covered in waffles and Vic and Bob and Blue Planet and Matthew Kelly saying he's 'down with the kids' and The Clangers and that Carpenters video where Karen sings in front of a picture of Miss Piggy and facts about Heligoland and Kim Woodburn in her marigolds and Our Friends in the North and David Tennant in Hamlet if you can't afford to go to Londontown and University Challenge and The Singing Ringing Tree and Heston making a Trojan Hog and Days of Our Lives and how to make Tracy Island out of shoeboxes and toilet roll tubes and sometimes my cousin's on News 24 and The Moomins and little Northern lads who've taken up cheerleading against all odds and Rik Mayall reading George's Marvellous Medicine on Jackanory and Vikings fighting Samurai and sometimes you can just eat your tea and watch another episode of The Simpsons.

    People who don't watch television don't watch life.

  6. Yeah, I didn't get the 1000 posts thing either. I could only see 52 from 2010. I didn't take the time to page back further though.

    But 1000 posts on "The Real World"? That's what someone has accomplished with their life? It almost makes me admire mommy blogs, because at least their documenting their lives and their children's lives for posterity's sake.

  7. Oi! Regular Ass-kers - where are you? Come and support your fellows with a comment or two hey? You can't tell me you all have lives.......

  8. Do I think reality TV is dumb? No, but I can't say I watch it.
    Do I think the idea of devoting a blog to reviewing it is dumb?
    Not really, but I am seriously not going to read it.
    Do I think someone who has devoted a blog to reviwing a reality TV show submitting it here for review is dumb?
    Yes, and mightily so. A fuckin' toad could read the "FAQ" page and know it is a waste of time to submit that kind of blog here.

    However, I do think Shag makes a good point - go live. If a reality TV show inspires you, go do that inspiring thing in your own life. Learn how to salsa dance, donate your time to an animal shelter, help a struggling family rehab their house, save up some money and go on a trek through a country with a culture completely different than your own, go ghost hunting for all I care.

    But that's pretty much the life I live - going and doing what I am inspired to do. Even if it's hard. Who am I to say someone can't live vicariously through their TV?

  9. As far as the crow bar and pumpkin muffins, Grumpy, the nice part is that my abilities with both ain't no reality TV show. Any person who would threaten me or mine in a serious way really will know the wrath of my crow bar. And I really do make pumpkin muffins so delicious that any self respecting human being, upon encountering them, will strip down and slather them on their naked body.

  10. I think we all need pics of this pumpink muffin orgy!

  11. I'm hopelessly addicted to the Real Housewives franchise on Bravo. Judging by the frequency of articles it runs devoted to the series, so is the New York Times.

  12. Photos of the pumpkin muffin nekkid slathering will never happen. It is a deeply personal experience that is best left in the privacy of the minds of those who have experienced it.

    Also, I lurrrrrrrrrrrve the idea of HIF being addicted to the 'Housewives' series. That's one good thing about reality TV; it always surprises me when I find out which show certain people are addicted to.

  13. I do watch Jersey Shore. BECAUSE IT IS AMAZING.

  14. Sometimes, I imagine myself waltzing into the shore house with a pocketful of magic and a bottle of gin and teaching those fucking guidos what it means to be Italian.

  15. MG--Can't watch PBS all the time. :)

  16. Indeed we cannot, HIF. Personally, I try to balance my NPR, PBS obsession with several hours of mindless disco music every week.

  17. The Wire - best series fucking EVER in history. So real it makes you realize how unreal reality shows are.


Grow a pair.