Oh, I tell you, it was going to be beautiful; an ass-ripping like has never been seen. There would be pumpkin muffins, crow-bars, ‘praise’ and sharts flying hither and thither in the comments. You would have been proud to be part of the Ask and Ye Shall Receive Mutual Admiration and Procuring of New Bum-hole Society.
I even had my first line worked out. It went ‘No, no, no, no, no, no, no!’ in the vein the Fairy Godmother in Shrek 2 when she is flipping through her fairytale library trying to find a story in which the Ogre has a happily-ever-after with a Princess.
However, alas, alack, and woe is you, the imminent reviewee got cold feet and made her blog private. And then in the words of our fearless leader and word maker-upperer, Shiner, she ‘unprivateded it’. Well fuck me if I can be bothered by that shit. In the meantime I was given a different blog to review.
Unfortunately I didn’t hate this blog nearly as much. It was neat and clean in, what my uncultured eye would peg as, an art deco style. It had a classy selection of badges and thingamebobs in the side-bar and....
Okay. This is where you find out I am real person rather than a gory cartoon avatar; my internet at home pooped itself, only coming back on line the day before the review was due. I will now regale you with my quickly put together notes on a thoroughly read blog. Keep up if you can:
From the shadows of the comments, to the limelight of the reviewee’s position, I introduce to you, Miss Ash.
- She is rather thorough here, we like that round these parts.
- Dear Lord, you have to be shitting me! Perhaps it will get better. She has been doing this for a while and we all need to find our feet in the early stages.
- Interesting, lacking in context. Is it supposed to be metaphorical? I want more sauce.
- Still dry.
- Ooh, getting juicier. (I was going to say wetter, but well, we all know where you lot will take that)
- There seems to be a LOT of caps lock going on to EMPHASIZE certain POINTS.
- This is cute, though still elusive. I am not really getting enough of a picture of her yet.
- Who is Amber to Miss Ash, if anything? I was confused at Miss Ash’s role in this drama and who was speaking. (Ah, further on – a glimmer, a glimpse!)
- This is indulgent, only in that it is interesting but could have been fleshed out more, and she left us high and dry.
- Why so much ‘she’, ‘they’, ‘you’? I feel like she is holding me at bay. Give people some names; own them, their actions and emotions, even if pseudonyms are used.
- Fuck – really? Then this sombitch is in a whole world of hurt, if I could muster up the energy to give a shit.
- I guess I pictured this, like you asked, but the clumsy ending was a spit bubble in the corner of my smile.
- Controversial – I like what you don’t say here.
- Cute – even though cats are evil, evil animals.
- I like the ‘light’ touch of this.
- Wholeheartedly I agree we all need these types of relationships. But show it to me – make me jealous or wistful or happy that I too, have this.
- I can totally get on board with this – are you in my head, Miss Ash?
- Nice imagery.
- Oh, I am all about the air biscuits lady, but you didn’t even raise a smile here. Shame. Love a good fart story. (Did you know, that the sort of thing you find amusing is supposedly indicative of your intelligence level? Shit.)
- Short and not so sweet – evocative.
- Again, you seem to say what I feel at times. I recognise it.
- This is lovely, but in a WHOLE four year blog, I have only had flashes of her situation, so when it comes down to it, I think ‘Aw, how sweet!’ when really I should be wiping away a tear, shouldn’t I? I don’t know, you tell me Miss Ash - the kid could be the next Damien.
- Hilarious first paragraph here.
Now, dear reader and armchair reviewer, I would like you to get off your metaphorical date-hole and do some work for once. (Geez, I am making free with the holes this review)
1) Go to Miss Ash’s archives.
2) Select the month of your birthday, in any year available.
3) Find a post closest to your birth date.
4) Give it a read.
5) In the comments here, give a seasoned opinion on said piece, perhaps providing a link if you have the technological aptitude, and even a score out of 10 if you feel so inclined.
Here. I will do one for you. (By the way – if I was clever I would be able to make it actually look like a comment box here etc etc but you know the drill. I am a writer daaahling, not a fucking IT specialist)
On March 18th 2008, Miss Ash wrote this post, about decision making, consequences and such. I give it a 4 out of 10 because it was preachy and boring. Instead of saying this: “I could name a thousand different things I learned, and I do feel confident that when I acknowledged a behavior that wasn’t working,” she should have manned up and told me some of the juicy stuff because I wanted to identify with her, rather than get lectured.
Okay, so maybe that was a bit more complicated than the game I want you to play but you pick up what I am putting down, yes?
As you can see, my birthday is not terribly far away – enough for a savings plan to be put in place. Feel free to send presents; Shiner will undoubtedly pass them on after they have been rifled through.
Miss Ash, you write well – you are more than literate but I feel that even though you have this mystic, spiritual thang going on, you hold me at arm’s length, when in order to benefit from your thoughts and wisdom, I need to nestle against your breast.
Let us in, Miss Ash.
I grant you,